GOP’s New Pen Pal Dr. Javad Zarif Sends Gift Certificates To U.S. Senators

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TEHRAN – (CT&P) – Iranian Foreign Minister Dr. Javad Zarif dropped by the Revolutionary Guards Memorial Martyr’s Post Office in downtown Tehran this morning to mail 47 letters to Republican senators, according to a source inside the Iranian Foreign Office.

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A well-placed Republican insider told the Post that watching the Republican leadership in action was like watching Wile E. Coyote demonstrate how gravity works. In response, a perpetually confused Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) said “That’s silly. Gravity is nothing more than a giant hoax perpetrated on the American people just like evolution, climate change, and homosexuality.”

The source, who wished to remain anonymous lest he be thrown into a pit full of starving dingos, told the Tehran Somewhat-Free Press that Dr. Zarif was pleased that the senators were taking an interest in foreign affairs looked forward to educating them regarding the U.S. Constitution and political system.

Dr. Zarif, who has a masters and PhD in international relations from the University of Denver and two other degrees from San Francisco State University is considered much better educated and knowledgeable than just about any current Republican officeholder.

The letters are said to contain a copy of the U.S. Constitution, a brief overview of the unintended consequences of the Iraq War (the worst foreign policy blunder since the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution), a coloring book featuring countries in the Middle East, and gift certificates for McDonald’s ‘Happy Meals.’

“Dr. Zarif hopes that this info packet will help educate the senators and allow them to make more informed decisions before they start undercutting their president and allies in the middle of nuclear negotiations,” said the unidentified source. “Dr. Zarif included the gift certificates so the senators would be rewarded for learning new things. It’s a method we use in Iran to encourage kids to become better educated, and we thought it might work for Congress as well.”

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In his spare time Senator Cotton satisfies his blood lust by slaughtering innocent deer and water fowl.

Senator Tom “Go Hawgs” Cotton’s letter to Iranian leaders, signed by 46 other Republican senators, initiated the historic exchange of correspondence.

Cotton’s letter, written in purple crayon, complained that President Obama would not let GOP senators borrow his toys or let them “play with him and his foreign friends,” so anything that Obama told the Iranians was just “made up stories.”

The letter also claimed that Obama was a “real meanie” who sometimes called the senators names, and threatened that if the President didn’t start playing nice, Senator Cotton would call his friend Bibi who would “beat him up.”

Cotton had hoped that the letter would cement his position as leader of a group of politicians that are hell-bent on starting a war with Iran. To his dismay however, the letter was met with shock and disbelief by almost every adult in D.C. and across the nation, and was seen by most pundits as another blunder made by a group of petulant children masquerading as statesmen.

A Republican insider told the Washington Post that “If these idiots will stop shooting themselves in the foot every five minutes we just might have a shot at winning the White House in 2016, but at this rate no one in their right mind will vote for any of these kooks. It’s depressing as hell.”

 

 

GOP Continues Minority Outreach Program By Sending Some White Guy To Selma

Members Of The Cast From Movie Selma March Over Edmund Pettus Bridge

SELMA, ALABAMA – (CT&P) – Republican leaders continued their efforts to appear human and recruit minorities into the party by sending a white dude down to the 50th Anniversary celebration of the Selma to Montgomery march this weekend. The last-minute decision to send a representative “shows just how committed the Republican Party is to the civil rights of all Americans,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).

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Speaker Boehner told reporters that the GOP leadership hesitated to send anyone important because they did not want to irritate their racist base, who still pines for the “good ole days.”

“It was tough call,” said Boehner, who spoke to reporters this afternoon from the 19th Hole Grub ‘n Pub at beautiful Trump National Golf Course.

“We want to appear as progressive as we can to delusional black and Hispanic voters so we can grab a few extra votes here and there, but we sure as hell don’t want to upset our bigoted backwoods base. So we finally decided to send Kevin down there to have his photo taken at that damn bridge so we could say we were represented at the event. We felt like it was a good compromise since almost no one would know who the fuck he was.”

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of decent people joined to commemorate the “Bloody Sunday” march of 1965 and take stock of the struggle for equality.

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No one was able to identify the Republican dude who traveled to Selma but Boehner told journalists that he is well-known by several dozen white folks in D.C.

In the crowd stood Madeline McCloud of Gainesville, Florida, who traveled overnight with a group of NAACP members from central Florida and marched in Georgia for civil rights back in the day. “For me this could be the end of the journey since I’m 72,” she said. “I’m stepping back into the history we made.” Also in attendance was Peggy Wallace Kennedy, a daughter of the late George Wallace, the Alabama governor who once vowed “segregation forever.”

Selma’s fire department estimated the crowd reached 40,000. Former President George W. Bush  was able to share the platform because he has no intention to run for office again. Other Republican congressional leaders were mostly absent but one, whom no one could identify, joined the walk.

The walk progressed under the bold letters on an arch, identifying the bridge named after Edmund Pettus, a Confederate general, senator and highly respected Ku Klux Klan leader.

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The GOP representative, later identified as Kevin McCarthy, had to leave the proceedings early to attend a fundraiser for Ferguson cops and their families

 

President Obama attended the event and made a moving speech that was later ridiculed by the cretins on Fox News.

Although no one at the event was ever able to determine who the lone Republican congressman was, the AP later identified him as House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

McCarthy was seen leaving the Jubilee early in order to catch a flight to St. Louis, Missouri, where Ted Nugent was hosting a party and fundraiser for members of the Ferguson police force, who are widely believed to soon be in the unemployment line.

Gowdy To Reporters: ‘Missing Email Proves Hillary Behind Benghazi Attacks’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Representative Trey “Numbnuts” Gowdy (R-SC), Chairman of the House Select Committee to Investigate Investigations Related to Prior Investigations of the Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi terrorist attacks, told reporters today that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s missing emails will prove “beyond the shadow of a doubt” that she masterminded the operation start to finish.

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Known as “The Shrew” on Capitol Hill, Gowdy is well-known for his Trumpian hairdo. He is believed to be the only virgin serving in the U.S. House of Representatives

“We will show that Mrs. Clinton not only planned and organized the attacks, but was on the ground in Libya that night and provided transportation for the terrorists to and from the compound,” said Gowdy.

The attack, which has been the subject of endless investigations by a variety of nitwits in both houses of Congress, occurred on the evening of September 11, 2012.

Islamic militants attacked the American diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Lybia, killing U.S. Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and U.S. Foreign Service Information Management Officer Sean Smith. Stevens was the first U.S. Ambassador killed in the line of duty since 1979.

Several hours later, a second assault targeted a different compound about one mile away, killing two CIA contractors, Tyrone S. Woods and Glen Doherty. Ten others were also injured in the attacks, but some of those folks were not white, so they don’t count.

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Gowdy’s office released this photo supposedly showing Mrs. Clinton, her driver, and a carload of Islamic terrorists in route to the diplomatic compound in a 1972 Plymouth Satellite. However, an aide to Mrs Clinton claims the photograph came from the archives of the Andy Griffith show.

“We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton used her email account to procure a 1972 Plymouth station wagon and a driver to transport the killers from downtown Benghazi to the compound and then on to the second target,” said a profusely sweating Gowdy. “We have a witness that has provided photographic evidence to this effect as well.”

Gowdy also told reporters that Mrs. Clinton hosted a gala alcohol-free reception for the killers just after the attacks to celebrate the deaths of the four Americans.

“It’s just horrific,” said Gowdy. “I don’t see how the woman can live with herself. This is bound to ruin any chance she has of becoming president, which is of course our only goal behind pursuing this ridiculous bullshit.”

When asked if Mrs. Clinton is concerned about either the emails or the continuing Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi probe, an aide to Mrs. Clinton replied, “Not really, haters gonna hate…what difference does it make?”

Recent Polls Suggest Up To 50% Of Registered Republicans In Need Of Legal Guardians

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Two recent surveys taken by Public Policy Polling indicate that up to fifty percent of registered Republican voters may be in urgent need of legal guardians. The polls were taken of 1000 registered GOP voters between February 20th-25th.

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The two polls strongly suggest that almost all members of the Tea Party are so inept that they need legal guardianship

In the first poll, which asked the simple question “Do you believe in evolution or not?” a 49% plurality of Republicans said that they do not. The second poll found that a breathtaking 57% of Republicans want to establish Christianity as the official national religion. Only 30% of respondents rejected the idea.

Not surprisingly, the polls found that most of those who rejected evolution and supported a national religion also supported the quasi-intellectual Dr. Ben Carson for president, a lunatic who believes the earth is only 6000 years old.

Tom Jenson, director of Public Policy, was disheartened but not surprised by the results of the polls.

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Pundits have suggested that Dr. Ben Carson, who many of those surveyed support for president, may be a Red Lectroid in disguise. “No one who graduated from medical school can be as stupid as this guy appears,” said Chris Matthews. “I think the dude could be an alien.”

“Look, we knew ahead of time what kind of folks we were dealing with here,” said Jenson. “I mean a good portion of these people believe that Obama is Lucifer in disguise, for Christ’s sake. What do you expect?”

“But this level of idiocy is beyond anything I’ve ever seen. These people reject science in any form, until they get sick or need to make a phone call, that is. Furthermore, they are apparently unable to either read or understand the Constitution, a document they purport to hold sacred. They want to return to some kind of pre-Enlightenment theocracy. They’re nuts!”

Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute went even further.

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Professor Hikata recommended that improvements in elementary and secondary education might help solve some of the problems we now face from voters on the right

“These people pose a threat to themselves and all those around them. We don’t think they should be allowed to drive, raise kids, or vote in national elections. They really need constant supervision. I just don’t know if we will be able to recruit enough sane people to keep an eye on them and make sure they don’t hurt themselves. I haven’t seen this kind of threat to the Republic since Red Lectroids from the 8th Dimension by way of Planet 10 tried to takeover back in the mid 80’s.”

Public Policy promised an extensive analysis and follow-up on the results of the polls and plan on making some recommendations to the Obama Administration on how best to avoid the situation in the future. At this time the advice centers around improving elementary and secondary education in the United States particularly in the areas of science, history, and civics so in the future we won’t have to have to deal with a large portion of the public that does not know its ass from a hole in the ground.

 

 

Republicans Prove That They Are Ready To Govern By Funding DHS For An Entire Week

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – House Republican leaders proved that they are ready to lead America on Friday by putting together a historic compromise that funded the Department of Homeland Security for an entire week. The House voted 357-60 to keep the DHS open by extending funding for a whopping seven days.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) was forced to turn to Democrats to pass the bill, because the kooky Tea Party members of the caucus refused to vote for it on the grounds that Hispanic people are inferior to whites and should not be allowed to stay in the country.

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Boehner told reporters that he was proud that most of his caucus overcame its hatred of poor brown children long enough to consider the security of the United States

Boehner had hoped to fund the DHS for even longer than a week and indeed the Senate had approved a three-week extension earlier, but conservative Tea Baggers rejected that compromise hammered out by the Speaker because it didn’t go far enough in blocking President Obama’s executive orders on immigration.

Nevertheless, Boehner was ebullient when interviewed over the weekend at his favorite watering hole in Georgetown, the Rogue Elephant.

“I’m very proud that at least some members of our caucus managed to overcome their hatred of minorities long enough to consider the security of the United States,” said Boehner, as he swirled a brown substance around in his glass.

“This week we hope to patch together an even more momentous compromise which will fund the department for an entire month! That way we’ll have some time to vote on another repeal of Obamacare and get down to work putting together some important tax breaks for the Koch brothers and other members of the 1%.”

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Mitch McConnell said that Boehner could count on his full support as long as Kentucky Romaine growers received federal farm subsidies for the upcoming year

Mitch McConnell, who was one stool over from the Speaker eating a salad, agreed.

“Uh…yeah…well…I just hope we’re able to slide that provision for those Romaine lettuce growers in there as well,” said McConnell, and then retracted his head inside his shell to take a nap.

“All in all I think this bill has shown just how concerned we are about the American people, and proves that we are mature enough to govern the country,” said Boehner. “I really look forward to the primaries so Americans can see just how great a Republican president would be.”

Pundits were not as optimistic as Boehner, however.

“You could not pay me enough to be in Boehner’s position,” said Chris Matthews. “Half of his caucus looks and acts like it just fell off the turnip truck. This group of idiots could not find its ass with both hands. God help us all if one of those clowns gets elected president. We’d all be doomed.”

 

Yoga Instructor Admits To Being Servant Of Satan

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WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – Thanks to a timely seminar at CPAC, or as it is commonly known A Confederacy of Dunces, an extensive nationwide network of Satan’s minions has been exposed. The henchmen from hell come from all walks of life but appear to be concentrated in the health and fitness, rap music, climate science, and thrift store industries.

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The Right Reverend Anus McGregor taught the seminar at CPAC while handling a variety of venomous reptiles. He compared the snakes to bureaucrats in the Department of Education

The meeting was led by the Right Reverend Anus McGregor of Our Lady of Incessant Nonsense Cathedral in Paranoid, Texas. The seminar, titled “Three Easy Ways To Recognize and Stamp Out Satan in Your District,” detailed how GOP representatives could blame Lucifer for just about any concepts or ideas they were unable to grasp or understand.

McGregor gave full credit to Pat Robertson, the multimillionaire servant of Jesus and thoroughbred racing fanatic, for inspiring the seminar.

“Reverend Robertson let us know on his television program how Satan uses his vassals in our everyday lives,” said McGregor. “Pat told us that yoga instructors make you unknowingly pray to Hindu gods, and we all know that Hindus are satanic demons bent on the destruction of all we hold dear. He also told us about how demons could be attached to clothing we buy at thrift stores. All this got me thinking and I came up with some easy solutions.”

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Yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower lured unsuspecting students into her class by offering free instruction. All the while she was attempting to snatch their souls for the Beelzebub

Reverend McGregor advised those present at the seminar to instruct cops to investigate and harass every yoga instructor and thrift store manager within their districts until the suspects admitted their connection with the Prince of Darkness.

The investigations bore fruit over the weekend when, after three days of “enhanced interrogation techniques,” yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower and her transcendental life partner Jack Straw, a thrift store manager in Wichita, Kansas, confessed that they were indeed employed by the Prince of Darkness.

Ms Sunflower admitted that she was actively trying to “snatch Christian souls for Satan” by making her students unknowingly pray to Ganesha, an elephant-headed Hindu deity that is usually pictured riding a mouse.

“I know it was the wrong thing to do,” said Sunflower, “but Satan can be so persuasive, and he promised a 15% increase in Jack’s thrift store traffic. I just couldn’t turn him down.”

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Next year CPAC will be held at creepy Ken Ham’s Creation Museum, a place where reason takes a backseat to religious superstition. The CPAC attendees should feel right at home

Although no charges have yet been filed, Ms Sunflower and Mr. Straw have been detained and taken to a “black site” for further interrogation.

“We just can’t let Satan get a foothold in our communities,” said Reverend McGregor. “Everywhere I look I see servants of the Antichrist.

“Rap singers, homosexuals, climate scientists, archeologists, atheists, liberals, Democrats, yoga instructors, history teachers, environmentalists, Disney employees, just about everyone in New York and California, and even Beyonce- they’re all in league with Mephistopheles!”raved the fruitcake minister.

CPAC organizers were so impressed with the seminar that they invited the unhinged minister back for another speech at next year’s conference. The working title for that meeting is “How Satan Uses Fossils to Lead Us Into Hell.”

 

 

 

God Denies Having Had Any Contact With Scott Walker

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Supreme Being God (I-Palestine)

 

VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – This morning on his daily talk show Jehovah and Friends on Vatican TV, God categorically denied having had any communications with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker for at least two decades.

“The last time I remember hearing from Scott was during exam week just before he dropped out of Marquette,” said God. “I really can’t remember what he was begging for at the time, as I was busy fielding thousands of requests concerning the basketball team, but I think it had something to do with a political science class.”

God’s remarks came after articles surfaced last week about Walker’s “close relationship with the Lord” and his propensity for letting right-wing audiences know that he carries on conversations with the Almighty on a regular basis.

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Governor Scott Walker (R-Wisconsin)

Governor Walker has never been shy about flashing his religious credentials, regularly telling audiences about the nondenominational evangelical church he attends, the Baptist preacher who raised him, and his belief that he only runs for office when “called” upon by God to do so.

His reliance on the role of the Lord in his political decision-making process goes back to his aborted college years, when in an interview published in the Marquette University yearbook, he said that “I really think there’s a reason why God put all these political thoughts in my head.”

After the governor made another reference to God “speaking to him” in a speech before bankers in January, Freedom From Religion Foundation member Edward Susterich made an open records request of his office for evidence of his communications with the Master of the Universe.

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God told Vatican TV viewers that he rarely gets involved in politics because, “No matter what I do, you talking monkeys always fuck it up.”

Susterich requested any transcripts or a copy of any communication Walker may have had with “God, the Lord, Christ, Jesus, or any other form of deity” while in office as governor of Wisconsin.

The Governor’s Office replied, officially, that it could find none, saying “pursuant to the Public Records Law, we are responding to let you know that this office does not have records responsive to your request.”

“There’s a damn good reason for that,” commented God. “It’s because I haven’t talked to the son of a bitch. He’s full of shit. Do you really think I’m gonna waste my time with an idiot who doesn’t even believe in evolution?”

“I’ve got a few more important things to do than help some numb nuts who talks to himself bust unions and attack higher education,” said God. “And I’ll tell you something else, I don’t put thoughts in people’s heads. That’s what I gave you that huge brain for, you twits.”

“If the moron wants to run for president then let him,” said the exasperated deity. “I just wish he would keep me out of it. Besides, I’ve always thought the dude was an asshole.”

 

 

 

 

 

Republican Leaders Heartbroken Over Government Shutdown

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) broke down in tears today as he recounted to reporters the tragic events leading up to the government shutdown on Tuesday.

“It was just a case of being beaten to the punch,” said a tearful Boehner. “How were we to know that winter storm Octavia would hit D.C. that hard? Now we have to face the fact that the weather, and not the GOP, caused the first government shutdown of 2015. I just don’t know how we’re going to live with the shame.”

The government was closed Monday for the Presidents Day holiday, so the snowstorm gave most federal employees (called “non-essential” in bureaucracy-speak) an extra day at home.

U.S. Senator Cruz reacts as he answers questions during the Reuters Washington Summit in Washington

The shutdown rendered Senator Ted Cruz speechless for the first time in his political career. An aide remarked that he had never sounded so intelligent.

Conditions on the main roads in the Washington metro region ranged from fairly clear to totally snow-covered. Many downtown streets have not yet been touched, USA TODAY Washington Bureau Chief Susan Page reports.

Of course, White House operations pretty much keep rolling no matter what, although the daily press briefing was canceled.

However over on Capitol Hill, Congress was shut down, thus delaying critical meetings of GOP lawmakers set to discuss new methods of obfuscation and gridlock.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was particularly upset, as his committee had scheduled an important brainstorming session on how best to temporarily defund the Department of Homeland Security in order to derail President Obama’s immigration orders.

“It truly breaks my heart that some stupid snow and ice is gonna get the credit for the first government shutdown of 2015,” said an emotional Cruz. “Everyone knows it’s my job to screw up Washington.”

The day was not a total write-off however.

House Majority Whip Steve Scalise used the spare time to write a new bill repealing Obamacare and in the afternoon visited a tailor’s shop down the street from his house to be measured for a new set of brown shirts.

Alabama To Reconsider Sharia Law

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MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA (CT&P) – A group of Alabama state senators backed by religious zealot Judge Roy Moore and unhinged racist congressman Mo Brooks (R-AL) have introduced a bill in the Alabama legislature that would effectively overturn a November ballot initiative that banned Sharia law from being used in Alabama’s court system. The November initiative was passed by an overwhelming majority of 72% of voters.

Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa), the idiot who introduced the original amendment, told the Birmingham News that recent events have caused him to change his mind about the ballot initiative. “The decision by a federal court judge to overturn our ban on gay marriage, and the horrible measles outbreak across our dear country have made me think that we may have been a bit too hasty,” said the imbecile from Tuscaloosa.

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State Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa) is one of the most conservative members of Congress. He is also a passionate xenophobe who wears his feelings on his forehead.

“Judge Moore and Representative Brooks have convinced me and several other senators to introduce the ‘Sharia Ain’t So Bad’ bill early next month,” said Allen. “The bill will overturn the ballot initiative and introduce our own version of Sharia into the court system, although our version will be called Chriria, and will be based on the Bible instead of the Quran.”

Judge Moore, famous for his religious zealotry that most Americans thought we left behind in the Middle Ages, set up a series of meetings with the senators when it became apparent that the federal government was going to attempt to drag Alabama kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

“If we allow these fags and lesbians to marry, it will be the end of the world as we know it and God will take back the coal, deer, and other natural resources that he bestowed upon us at the Creation,” said the sexually insecure homophobe.

Representative Mo Brooks joined the fray because he is convinced that the measles outbreak has been caused by illegal dingoes crossing the U.S.-Mexico border. The dingoes in question are said to be seeking political asylum after years of oppression in Australia.  The wacked-out right-wing kook is also against abortion in any form and thinks that stem cell research is the work of Satan.

“Chriria law will help us keep subhuman Central American kids and diseased dingoes out of America,” said the bigoted freak from the 5th District. It’ll also help us to keep women where they belong, in the bed or in the kitchen.”

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Judge Moore argued that many Alabama residents have been complying with Sharia law for decades.

Senator Allen told the Montgomery Advertiser that in the end it was a pretty easy decision to introduce the bill.

“When we all sat down and really thought about it, we decided that we really have a lot in common with those Islamic savages from the 7th century. We both think women are our property, we both think that a nation should be governed by a set of archaic religious laws, and of course we both fear homosexuals and think they should be thrown onto concrete from a great height.”

As of yet there are no polls to indicate how the residents of Alabama will respond to the flip-flop, but most pundits think that as long as the politicians say that the new law is based on the Bible, it will pass without too much trouble.

“You can convince these idiots to pass just about anything if you say that Jesus wants them too,” chuckled Senator Allen.

On another note, Alabama is currently ranked third behind Florida and Texas as the most idiotic state in the Union, but it appears to be rapidly gaining ground.

“In recent years Florida and Texas have really been kicking our ass,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. “But it is my sincere hope that the recent actions of Judge Moore, Representative Brooks, and Senator Allen will boost us back to our rightful position as laughingstock of the entire country.”

 

 

 

“Typhoid” Tillis Shocks Supporters By Refusing To Wash His Hands Before Devouring An Infant At Fundraiser

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CHARLOTTE, N.C. (CT&P) – Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) shocked a group of his supporters last night at a fundraiser in Lizard Lick, just outside of Raleigh. The fundraiser was held Joe Bob’s Pit Barbecue, a fine dining establishment famous for its pulled pork plates, lip-smacking ribs, and tender smoked toddler.

In an apparent attempt to make a point about deregulation of hand-washing requirements for restaurants,Tillis refused to wash his hands before devouring a newborn child fresh out of the smoker.

“The government has no business telling me how clean and sanitary I ought to be,” said Tillis, as he chewed on the tasty infant. “It’s high time we got public officials out of the business of public health!”

Supporters and employees stared in disbelief as he continued to consume the child before having made sure his hands were clean.

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Senator Tillis’ next fundraising stop is at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina

“I could not believe my eyes,” said Myrtle Mulesweat from Bat Cave. “I would never eat a baby without first washing my hands. It’s disgusting!”

Billy Bob Bullsmegma of Syphilis Falls agreed: “He shore as hell ain’t gettin’ my vote no more. We may not have ‘lectric at my cabin but we always go down to the crick and wash up before dinner. Otherwise Mama would tan our hides!”

Tillis stirred up controversy earlier in the week by recounting a story from 2010.

“I was having a discussion with someone, and we were at a Starbucks in my district, and we were talking about certain regulations where I felt like ‘maybe you should allow businesses to opt out,'” he said. When the conversation turned to restaurant regulations, Tillis recalled saying, “I don’t have any problem with Starbucks if they choose to opt out of this policy as long as they post a sign that says ‘We don’t require our employees to wash their hands after leaving the restroom.’ The market will take care of that. It’s one example.”

Since recounting this exchange Tillis has become the butt of jokes all over the internet and television, but he has taken all the criticism in stride.

“I firmly believe that people have the right to be as filthy as they want, and that goes for whoever is serving you your food as well,” said Tillis. “The free market will take care of it, just like it does in West Africa. You don’t see a bunch of stormtrooper health officials interfering with people’s lives over there, no sir!”

Tillis’ next fundraiser is scheduled to be held at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, owned and managed by Norman Dahmer. Norm’s specialty dish is human heart tartare.