White House Appoints Brick Top New Surgeon General

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a meeting with health officials at the White House this morning, President Obama has announced that Brick Top will be appointed to assume the post of Surgeon General of the United States.

The last appointee, Dr. Vivek Murthy, failed to be confirmed by Congress after a smear campaign organized by the NRA and right-wing propaganda outlets such as Fox News. However, the White House apparently feels that Brick Top will sail through the confirmation process because he has files on every member of Congress and knows “where the bodies are buried.”

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Brick Top told reporters he had been “taken aback” by the poor quality of Ebola reporting on cable outlets. “In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary…come again? Did you guys even pass a 6th grade science class?”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that Brick Top was chosen because of his innate ability “to get things done in a timely and efficient manner, regardless of the situation.”

“Brick Top knows how to cut through red tape…and flesh and bone for that matter,” said Earnest. “The President is frankly sick to death of all the hysteria being spread by imbecile pundits on cable outlets regarding the Ebola situation, and he wanted to appoint someone who could silence the critics and put this thing to bed.”

“Did you know there is even a conspiracy theory making the rounds that the CDC is lying to the public regarding transmission of the disease? I tell you guys, there is no shortage of stupid in this country. After he takes care of this crisis, the President is thinking of putting Brick Tip in charge of a complete overhaul of the Department of Education so we can at least come up to Third World standards.”

After Earnest was finished Brick Top came to the podium to make a few remarks.

“I want everyone in this room to understand who is in charge now,” said Brick Top. “I don’t want any criticism from you or your ilk about my methods or how the CDC is handling this matter. If I hear one more muttonheaded story on Fox News or CNN, I can assure you that you will be paid a visit by one of my boys. For you new guys, crossing me will win you a tour of my pig farm.”

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Brick Top made it quite clear that anyone trumpeting any more hysterical conspiracy theories would be a “guest of honor” at his pig farm in rural Maryland

The new Surgeon General then gave a detailed description of just what a tour of his pig farm meant…

“You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.

For the first time in history there were no follow-up questions from the White House Press Corps.

 

GOP Congressman From North Carolina Advocates A Return To The Middle Ages “Because Everything Just Made More Sense Back Then”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P)—At a recent town hall in Charlotte’s suburbs, North Carolina House Republican Robert Pittenger compared the right to fire LGBT workers to the right to smoke cigarettes on private property.

After assuring ThinkProgress that he “respects everyone” and “loves people,” Pittenger said he believes companies should have the right to fire or refuse to hire someone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

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Pittinger is an outspoken member of the “Know-Nothing” wing of the GOP, who believe that businesses are independent living entities whose civil rights should be respected over those of mere human beings

“You need to respect the autonomy of somebody running their business,” he said. “It’s like smoking bans. Do you ban smoking or do people have the right to private property? I think people have the right to private property. In public spaces, absolutely, we can have smoking bans. But we don’t want to micromanage people’s lives and businesses. If you have a business, do you want the government to come in and tell you you need to hire somebody? Why should government be there to impose on the freedoms we enjoy?”

Though North Carolina is one of 29 where bosses can still fire someone for being LGBT or merely perceived as such, Pittenger asserted: “I believe people are already protected.”

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Like many of his supporters on the Christian Right, Pittinger believes that gay and lesbian lives should be spared, but that they should be encouraged to change their sexual preference

The freshman congressman said that’s why he is opposed to passing the Employee Non-Discrimination Act, known as ENDA for short, which would make it illegal for companies and unions to hire, fire, promote, or compensate people differently based on sexual orientation or gender identity. The protections in the bill—which passed the Senate around a year ago—would not apply to religious organizations, members of the armed forces, or companies with fewer than 15 employees.

Pittenger is also a strong advocate of abolishing the child labor laws, which would allow children to be put to work as soon as they are able to walk.

“Who is the federal government to tell a businessman that he can’t use ‘little people’ to mine his coal, or work in his sweatshops?” queried Pittenger, who graduated from the Jay Gould College of Unfettered Capitalism with a major in Plantation Systems.

“The founding fathers were wise enough not to make a big stink over things like slavery and dangerous working conditions, so why should we?” said Pittenger, while nervously fiddling with his trademark bullwhip.

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Pittenger warned his audience that until America “wised-up” and abolished the silly and restrictive child labor laws we would never be able to compete with the rest of the world

Pittenger—who is running unopposed—isn’t likely to have the chance to cast a yea or nay vote on the legislation anytime soon, as House Speaker John Boehner has said there is “no way” he will bring it to the floor for debate.

Earlier this year, President Obama signed an executive order extending employment protections to LGBT workers for all companies with federal government contracts. The new regulations will reach over one million LGBT workers across the country, but millions of people in North Carolina and across the country remain unprotected.

As many as 43 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people and 90 percent of transgender people have experienced some form of harassment or discrimination in the workplace, but what else would one expect in our “Christian” nation?

GOP Candidate Warns Of ‘Homosexual Reign Of Terror’

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) –  Gordon Klingenschmitt, a Republican nominee for the Colorado state house, sent out an e-mail alert over the weekend that stated that Rep. Jared Polis (D-CO) wanted to execute Christians, reported Right Wing Watch.

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The photogenic Klingenschmidt was featured on the cover of the children’s book “How To Recognize Pedophiles From A Distance”

The alert warned Coloradans and all U.S. citizens that Polis and his pals in the “international homosexual cabal” represented a “clear and present danger” to our representative republic and to Christians all over the globe.

“The openly homosexual Congressman Jared Polis (D-CO) introduced a revised bill to force Christian employers and business owners to hire and promote homosexuals with ZERO RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS for Christians who want to opt out.”

Heath Campbell who gave his children Nazi-inspired names including Adolf Hitler lost custody after a state appeals court ruled that a history of domestic violence puts the children at risk of abuse and neglect.

Klingenshmitt is the eldest son of Joseph and Magda Klingenschmitt of Munich, as seen here in this colorized photo from their wedding album

“Polis ‘wants sexual orientation and gender identity treated the same way as race, religion, sex, and national origin, when it comes to employment protections,’ claims the Advocate, under the headline ‘Polis trims ENDA’s religious exemption.’”

“The open persecution of Christians is underway. Democrats like Polis want to bankrupt Christians who refuse to worship and endorse his sodomy. Next he’ll join ISIS in beheading Christians, but not just in Syria, right here in America,” the email said.

Because he was unwilling to face journalists and actually answer embarrassing questions about the email, Klingenschmitt released a five-hour video that explained his theory concerning the worldwide gay conspiracy to execute anyone who does not approve of sodomy.

The video went into great detail about how a shadowy group of male stylists, interior designers, and producers of Broadway musicals got together after the faked lunar landings in the late 60’s and early 70’s and laid out a long-range strategy for world domination.

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In his spare time Klingenschmitt entertains children at birthday parties held in the crawlspace under his home

In the video Klingenschmitt explains that now that it is legal for openly gay individuals to hold office, phase one of the heinous conspiracy is complete.

“Phase two of the their nefarious plan calls for a ‘Reign of Terror’ on Christians that would make Robespierre’s efforts look like child’s play,” said Klingenschmitt. “It is only a matter of time before we see the faithful’s heads on pikes up and down main street America!”

The video did not explain how a nation in which 77% of the population considers itself Christian will be overwhelmed and terrorized by the less than 2% of the population that is openly gay, but Klingenschmitt said it would be similar to the atheists’ successful obliteration of the once popular Christmas holiday we all remember.

Republican and Democratic leaders in Colorado, along with anyone else who has an IQ over 55 denounced Klingenschmitt’s email and his video, which was distributed less than a week after Islamic State jihadists released a film that showed the beheading of kidnapped U.S. journalist James Foley.