Tag Archives: gop

CIA To Hire Homeroom Teacher For Trump’s Intelligence Briefings

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teacher

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of the CIA John Brennan announced this morning that the agency will be hiring Gladys Ironfist, a homeroom teacher at Stonewall Jackson Grammar School in Lynchburg, Virginia, to give classified intelligence briefings to presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump after the Republican convention in July.

Under a longstanding bipartisan tradition, presidents allow their would-be successors to receive classified intelligence briefings to bring them up to speed on emerging threats around the world. The briefings usually begin immediately after the party conventions, and do not include the top-secret sources and methods.

Mr. Brennan told reporters that the agency believed that Mrs Ironfist would be able to explain the information in terms Mr. Trump could understand.

“We wanted someone who had experience in dealing with insecure, immature individuals without upsetting them or hurting their feelings,” said Brennan. “Mrs Ironfist has proven herself capable handling class clowns, brats, and self-centered little shits over a long an illustrious career.

“We believe she has the patience to deal with someone as clueless and thin-skinned as Mr. Trump, and she’ll throw cold water on any conspiracy theories he may come up with as a result of receiving information that is intended for adults.

“After all, we don’t want the crazy son of a bitch to nuke Luxembourg on his first day in office, do we?”

 

Priebus Still Unable To Locate His Testicles

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reince1

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has still not found his testicles, according to a report released from the Associated Press this morning.

“We’ve pulled out all the stops to try find his scrotum,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “I  mean we’ve looked everywhere. At first we thought the Democrats had stolen them, then we searched the offices of everyone in the Freedom Caucus. We even asked the FBI and CIA for help. But so far, no results.”

According to a press release from the RNC, Priebus’ testicles have been missing since last fall, when it became apparent that Donald Trump would be a real contender in the race for the Republican nomination. Without them, Priebus has been powerless to do anything to prevent the GOP from being taken over by a neo-fascist lunatic bent on destroying the Party and the country as a whole.

“It’s getting really frustrating,” said the aide. “Some of us are beginning to think the asshole had no balls to begin with.”

Priebus has vowed to continue the search as long as he is chairman, which won’t be long if things continue as they have been.

Trump To Choose Running Mate With Some Sort Of Knowledge

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trumpdumb

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a phone interview on MSNBC’s Morning Joe today Donald Trump told host Joe Scarborough that he planned on choosing a running mate who had some knowledge of something.

Trump said that the potential vice president should have at least some understanding of a wide variety of subjects that he knows nothing about, such as civics, foreign affairs, domestic policy, science, and history.

“A running mate should complement the nominee and make up for any deficits he may have,” said Trump, in an attempt to sound presidential.

“I want to find someone who will be loyal to me but at the same time will be able to provide me with information about things that I’ve never thought about before, like governing.

“For example, I’d like someone who knows what a bill is and how to get it passed, what form of government we have, and the functions of the five branches of government we have in this country. I just don’t know much about that kind of stuff.

“I’m much better at acting like a lunatic and spouting crazy conspiracy theories that I read in the tabloids. That’s fine for fooling idiot Tea Party voters in the primaries, but in the general election and if I win the White House, I’m gonna need someone who can actually engage in critical thought if I’m going to get anything done.

When Scarborough asked if he had anyone in particular in mind, Trump was evasive.

“It’s too early to tell at this point. This will more than likely be a long process because we don’t know of anyone crazy enough to accept the job at this point.

“I’d love to choose a current Republican senator or representative, but they’ve proven to the entire country they have no fucking idea how to govern, so I’ve crossed them off the list.”

Family Of Killers: Father Of Zodiac Linked To Kennedy Assasination

Posted in politics by

cruz66666

 

DALLAS – (CT&P) – Now that Rafael Cruz, father of Ted, the notorious Zodiac Killer, has been positively linked with the assassination of John F. Kennedy, it seems that the entire Cruz line is an unhinged pack of vicious killers.

Early Tuesday, Donald Trump exposed the elder Cruz’s part in the JFK conspiracy, calling him the “mastermind” behind the brutal murder of our beloved president.

Trump alleged that Rafael was with John F. Kennedy’s assassin shortly before he murdered the president, claiming that he was pictured with Lee Harvey Oswald handing out pro-Fidel Castro pamphlets in New Orleans in 1963, rock-solid proof that Cruz might as well have pulled the trigger himself.

“His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Kennedy’s being — you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is obvious,” Trump said Tuesday during a phone interview with Fox News. “What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. They don’t even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about it.

“I think that most media personalities are just too terrified of the Cruz family to bring it up. They’re scared Lyin’ Ted or his religious kook Dad might go ‘off the reservation’ and take them out with a high-powered rifle or fill them full of lead while they’re trying to get some on Lover’s Lane.”

Trump’s hypothesis was bolstered later the same day when a video of Rafael ranting and raving about God, the constitution and what he called Second Coming of Jesus Christ in the form of Ted, his only obnoxious son, was aired on Fox News.

“Anyone this unstable is perfectly capable of assassinating a president, and God knows his drunken child abuse probably led to Ted’s murder spree on the west coast during the late 60’s and early 70’s. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to do it. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to say it,” Trump said, before touting his support from Jerry Falwell Jr. and other evangelical leaders.

Trump continued, “At least the religious kooks that support me, like Jerry Falwell and Franklin Graham, have their hearts in the right place. They know how to line their pockets while preaching the gospel, unlike like that lunatic Rafael Cruz.”

Although the Cruz campaign has yet to formally respond to the charges, surrogate Glenn Beck told Fox that Trump was clearly out of his mind, because everyone knew that the Freemasons and the Illuminati were behind the assassination of JFK.

“As usual Trump is just spouting nonsense,” said Beck, who was dressed in a suit made entirely of aluminum foil.

Trump Accuses Cruz Of Playing Dildo Card

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cruzdildo

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a press conference this afternoon GOP front-runner Donald Trump accused rival Ted Cruz of playing the “dildo card” in order to boost his chances of becoming the Republican nominee.

After taking a few questions regarding his nearly incoherent foreign policy speech made earlier today, Trump went postal on senator and subhuman monster Ted Cruz.

“Lyin’ Ted is running around telling everyone he has what it takes to be president, but I’m here to tell you, he doesn’t have it where it counts. He thinks that because he’s a prick he’s gonna get the prick and asshole vote. He’s wrong.

“I call Ted Cruz Lyin’ Ted because he’s a liar, and the only thing he’s got is the dildo card. That’s all he’s got, and it is pandering. It’s a weak card in his hands. In another person’s hands it could be a powerful card. I’d love to see a dildo as president, but he’s the wrong dildo.”

“Frankly, if Ted Cruz was a real man and not dildo, I don’t think he’d get 5 percent of the vote. The only thing he’s got going is the dildo card,” he said. “And the beautiful thing is, other dildos don’t like him. Look how well I did with trouser snakes, spawn hammers, and groin ferrets last night. Why, I’ve practically cornered the market on the skin flute vote.”

“The weird thing is that as big a dick as Ted is, he has really small genitals, and I mean really small. Ted’s genitals are so small that his entire package would fit in the palm of one of my unusually small hands.

“Listen up, Vibratin’ Ted, you’re a liar and a loser. I’m in the process of crushing your tiny balls like a couple of walnuts.

“If America really wants to be great again, I advise everyone to vote for me, Donald Trump, a man equipped with a huge one-eyed wonder weasel, and if you don’t believe me just ask Melania.

 

Ted Cruz Arrested Outside Public Bathroom In Pennsylvania

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zodiac

 

SCRANTON – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that GOP presidential candidate and subhuman bigot Ted Cruz has been arrested after terrorizing several people at a rest area in eastern Pennsylvania.

According to the report local law enforcement in Gouldsboro, a small town outside Scranton, arrested Cruz after he threatened a group of potential Trump delegates with a nine millimeter pistol.

The delegates, who are all running in Tuesday’s primary, were apparently returning from a retreat and strategy session in Mt. Pocono.

Magda Goebbels, an uncommitted delegate leaning toward Trump, told reporters that although Cruz was wearing a “ridiculous disguise,” she knew it was him because she had met him at campaign rallies and recognized the stench.

“He can wear any fucked up costume he wants, but there’s no mistaking that odious asshole,” said Goebbels.

zodiac2

Recent surveys indicate that up to 30% of Republican primary voters believe that Ted Cruz was the Zodiac Killer.

The police report stated that Cruz approached his victims on the pretense that he was a bathroom monitor and anyone entering the bathroom had to expose their genitals so he could be sure no “hanky-panky” was going on inside.

Once Cruz had individuals off to the side Goebbels and other victims reported that Cruz whispered, “I’m the Zodiac, support Ted Cruz or die.”

The effort seems to have backfired on Cruz because Trump supporters don’t seem to be easily intimidated.

“I don’t care what that cretin from Texas does, I’m with Trump,” said R.W. Scrotum, a plumber from Wilkes-Barre. “I told him to leave me alone or I’d take that pistol and shove it up his ass.”

Cruz was released on $100,000 bond. He faces charges of threatening assholes with a firearm, malicious mischief, and being a religious kook obsessed with other people’s genitals.

“It’s a damn shame,” said Goebbels while being interviewed by 11 Dead or Alive in Scranton.

“I really liked some of Ted’s ideas, but all that dildo stuff really soured me on him. No one comes between me and my vibrator.”

 

 

Mississippi To Force All Children To Be Right-Handed

Posted in politics, religion by

red devil

 

JACKSON – (CT&P) – Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed a bill this morning that will force all left-handed kids to begin writing with their right hands. The legislation, called the “Jesus Hates Left-Handed Children Patriotic Religious Freedom Obama Is The Antichrist Act” was introduced as part of a series of new laws designed to guarantee Mississippi’s status as the most backwards-ass state in the Union for decades to come.

The new law also requires all left-handed adults to attend one of the many Christian re-education camps being built around the state, where sinister allies of Satan will be taught to write and worship with their right hands.

Adults who refuse to change their ways will have their left hands surgically removed in hospitals in adjacent states that possess the requisite medical expertise for such a procedure.

“It’s high time we closed this loophole that has allowed evil to dwell among us,” said Governor Bryant, during a press conference attended by journalists and other residents of Mississippi that could write.

lefthand

Yes, you little servant of Satan. Jesus cries every time you write your fucking name.

“Recently we’ve made great strides towards maintaining our Third World status by denying rights to women, minorities, and the LGBT community, but we can’t afford to let our guard down. We’ve got to stay on our toes and continue to act as a sea anchor for the rest of the nation if we’re going to make the Baby Jesus happy.”

Other bills included in the package of legislation include new initiatives to condemn atheists to death by hanging, forcing liberals into labor camps being built by Hobby Lobby where they will manufacture evangelical knick-knacks, a ban on the use of electricity and indoor plumbing, and a special scholarship fund for students wishing to major in exorcism and the burning of witches.

Perhaps the most creative new law is one changing the Mississippi state motto to “The Land That Time Forgot.”

Response to the sweeping package of legislation has been mixed. The leaders of other morally and fiscally bankrupt states run by dumb ass Tea Bagging governors and legislatures have expressed their support for the new laws.

However, politicians in the rest of the United States, which pumps five fucking dollars of federal money into the Confederate black hole for every dollar that comes out, have expressed disgust.

Senator Chuck Schumer of New York summed up the attitude of the enlightened when he said “I’m all for that hell hole seceding along with Texas, Kansas and any other state whose residents want to live like a bunch of serfs. To hell with them. I step on those cock-a-roaches.”

 

 

 

 

Ted Cruz Proposes Ban On Consensual Sex Until He Gets Some Too

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Cruz-cLit-1.2-620x264

 

PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – “It’s just been so long since I’ve had any,” lamented Ted Cruz as he addressed a crowd of supporters at a campaign stop at Lucky Spa Massage with Happy Ending in Hershey last night.

Cruz was referring to the fact that he had not had sex with anyone but himself in many years.

“Heidi hasn’t had anything to do with my penis since we did our Christian duty and reproduced; all she wants to do is lock herself in the bathroom with that vibrator. I’m telling you, hearing the purr of a five horsepower Tecumseh engine when you’re horny as hell is pure torture!

“I’ve tried intern after intern and I can’t even get a blow job. I’m better looking than Bill Clinton aren’t I? I don’t see how he did it.

“I can’t even buy a lay. All the prostitutes I’ve tried say that I’m too dirty and smell bad, but I take a shower at least once a week like all Texans do. It’s just not fair!”

Cruz’s proposed legislation, dubbed the Abstinence Until Ted Get’s Himself Laid Act of 2016, would go into effect immediately and apply to every citizen of the United States, regardless of sexual preference.

“I don’t want to inconvenience anybody but I’m hoping this will force some bitch to step up to the plate and make a sacrifice for God and country,” said Cruz, as he gently massaged his testicles.

“I’m just sick and tired of banging all these goats, although I must admit they have lovely eyes and their horns provide excellent leverage,” said the deranged senator from Texas.

The bill calls for a complete ban on sex until Cruz enters the White House, when he can force women to have sex with him by executive order.

Congress is scheduled to take up the bill just after it votes on whether or not to launch Cruz into space along with spent fuel rods from our nation’s nuclear facilities.

 

Cruz Says Path To Nomination Still Wide Open

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skulls

 

PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Miscreant senator from the bowels of hell Ted Cruz was upbeat today as he campaigned in rural Pennsylvania despite the fact that he was all but eliminated from contention by Donald Trump in the New York primary last night.

The hapless Cruz came in third behind John “I’m Still Our Only Hope” Kasich in a Trump landslide victory.

Standing next to a pool of toxic waste leftover from a fracking operation near Hershey, Cruz told more than two dozen bleary eyed religious kooks that he still had a “path to victory.”

“The road may be narrow, and paved with the skulls of Republicans from all over the country, but I’m sure you agree with me that once I’m in the White House, it’ll all be worth it,” said Cruz, who then paused and looked around the audience like a monitor lizard seeking his next meal.

“Once we crush the dream of health care for the poor, equality for women and minorities, stop the wholesale persecution and murder of Christians in America, and most importantly make this country a theocracy like the founders intended, we can get on to more serious issues, like banning the sale and use of sexual aids in the United States.

“I look forward to eliminating unconstitutional entities like the Supreme Court, NASA, the National Institute for Health, the CDC, the Departments of the Interior, Education, Agriculture, Transportation, and Energy, along with any agency that threatens the mandatory worship of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

“I alone have been chosen by God to lead this country into a primeval fever swamp of ignorance and hate, and I’m uniquely qualified to do it,” concluded Cruz.

The “crowd” applauded the speech halfheartedly and dispersed but not before one member suggested that Cruz go ahead and commit suicide so we could all get on with “making America great again.”

Cruz Proposes Nationwide Ban On Sale Of Dildos

Posted in politics, religion by

cruz6666

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Earlier today during a phone interview on CNBC’s “Squawk Box,” presidential candidate and sexually frustrated deviant Ted Cruz proposed legislation that would institute a nationwide ban on the sale of dildos, vibrators, and any other sex toys designed to entertain or satisfy women.

The legislation, dubbed the “Compensating for a Small Penis Patriotic Religious Freedom Act,” would make the sale of sexual aids illegal in the United States. Anyone attempting to purchase such articles would be faced with “stiff” fines and jail time.

“The Bible says that sex should be restricted to married couples who wish to produce offspring according to God’s plan,” said Cruz.

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Cruz is not exactly considered an expert on sexual matters because of his ignorance of the female anatomy. Here he asks senate colleagues to help him differentiate between a woman’s anus and her clitoris.

“A dildo or vibrator inevitably becomes a third party in any relationship, and it’s no different from bigamy, which was outlawed when God changed his mind about all that ‘multiple wives stuff’ and wrote the New Testament.”

Co-host Joe Kernen asked Cruz if he had been smoking something before the interview and implied that he believed that he had clearly lost his fucking mind.

“I’ve long believed that a woman’s place is in the bed or in the kitchen, and because she is the ‘weaker vessel,’ she should always follow her husband’s instructions and do her best to please him, no matter what his perversions may be,” said Cruz.

“God made woman as a helpmate, not an equal, and if a man’s dick is too small to get the job done, then his wife just has to live with it.”

Kelly Evans, co-anchor of “Closing Bell” who happened to be present during the call, abruptly ended the interview by hanging up on Cruz saying that the candidate was a “Neanderthal religious kook who doesn’t stand a chance in hell of ever becoming president, and thank God for that.”

Heidi Cruz, long-suffering wife of the lunatic senator from Texas, issued a press release shortly after the interview that stated that she and Ted would be having a long talk this evening after his appearance in Rochester.