Tag Archives: gop

Cheeseheads Choose Cheesedick

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ted_cruz6

 

MADISON – (CT&P) -Senator, cheesedick, and all around despicable human being Ted Cruz romped to victory Tuesday in the Wisconsin primary, dealing a setback to fellow miscreant Donald Trump and complicating the front-runner’s efforts to win the delegates he needs to secure the GOP nomination without a fight at this summer’s Republican convention.

The primary contest offered just 42 of the 1,237 delegates needed to clinch the nomination before the party convenes in July.

But with the count expected to be very close, every delegate has come to matter and Tuesday’s win helped Cruz slice Trump’s delegate lead, albeit narrowly.

Speaking to cheering supporters in Milwaukee, Cruz declared his primary win a turning point.

“It is a rallying cry,” the Texas senator said. “It is a call from the hard-working men and women from Wisconsin to the people of America. We have a choice. We have a real choice.”

For one of the few times in his life, Senator Cruz was correct.

Republicans can choose between a giant bipedal orange dick and a subhuman monster that should have been ripped from his mother’s womb during the first trimester of pregnancy.

Exit polls in Wisconsin indicated that Wisconsin Republicans were not so much voting for Cruz but voting against Armageddon at the hands of a 12-year-old egomaniac from the bowels of Hell.

When asked what they thought of Ted Cruz as a human being, 38% of Cruz voters said that he was an “extremely dangerous religious kook who wants to institute Christian sharia in America,” while 27% said that he was an “odious cretin hatched from an egg in a former Eastern Bloc bio-weapons lab.”

18% of respondents said that they were convinced that Cruz was in fact the Zodiac Killer, 12% said he was the Antichrist, while 5% said that they had no clue what the fuck Cruz was, but he was better than Donald Trump.

100% of those polled said that they had no desire to vote for Cruz, but because the Republican party was so fucked up they felt they had no choice.

Cruz campaign manager Herbert Mephistopheles told CNN that he hopes the Wisconsin victory will propel the senator into the convention in July with enough delegates to wreak all kinds of havoc and wreck the Republican Party for generations to come.

 

Bentley Elected President Of Prestigious Governors Association

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MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been elected president of the prestigious Horny Republican Governors Association, edging out former governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford in what pundits have called a ‘nip and tuck’ race between two swollen and distended southern politicians.

Sanford had long been considered the favorite to win the position because of his creativity and yarn-spinning abilities, and he held double-digit leads in the polls for most of the race.

However, Bentley made a big comeback towards the end of the contest and won the election going away in large part because voters were so impressed with his prowess, performance, and doggedness when faced with situations that would make most men his age run for the prescription bottle.

“Bentley is one of the horniest motherfuckers I’ve ever seen,” said Milton Schlongstein of the Birmingham News. “I think it was that sex tape that really gave him the inside track and lubed his way to victory.

“That old coot may look like a funeral director, but let me tell ya, he can bang away all night long in every imaginable position. He’s a real stud.”

Bentley told journalists that he’s honored to be taking over the reins of the organization and looked forward to helping it grow in length and girth.

“I think I can engorge the HRGA with new blood and significant cash donations from our allies in the business world,” said Bentley at a press conference outside the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Opelika.

The HRGA was originally created to give political cover for Tea Baggers who run as ‘family values’ candidates but who in reality will fuck anything with a pulse.

However, over the years the group has become a multi-faceted organization that has done a great deal to help out embattled right wing politicians by paying legal fees stemming from sexual harassment lawsuits, delivering bags of cash to pay off blackmailing bitches and the parents of adolescents, and finding lawyers willing to defend state officials brought up on bestiality charges.

Governor Bentley is slated to take over as president just as soon as the people of Alabama throw him out on his shriveled white hypocritical ass sometime this spring.

North Korean Leader Urinates On Demilitarized Zone

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kim333

 

SEOUL – (CT&P) – This morning North Korean Dear Beloved Large-Bladdered Vivacious Leader Kim Jong-un began a mission to “mark his territory” as a “show of strength and endurance” after launching another series of malfunctioning rockets and missiles into the sea this week.

The thoroughly unbalanced pudgy cretin who leads a country of starving peasants and nervous-as-fuck totalitarian generals vowed to walk along the entire length of the 160 mile-long heavily militarized border with South Korea, urinating as he went.

Kim told a cadre of shaking, sweaty reporters that he intended to show the American and South Korean “pig dogs” just who was boss on “this God-forsaken peninsula.”

“The imperialist swine are conducting military exercises intended to frighten us and prepare the way for an invasion so they can steal the vast riches we have worked so hard to amass,” said the murderous dunderhead.

“We will not be intimidated,” said the porcine imbecile as he slurped up an extra-large lard smoothie.

Korea watchers and Pentagon officials told CNN that Kim probably felt like he had to initiate the “pissing contest” when two more of his missiles went awry yesterday during yet another test of North Korea’s inferior weaponry.

“They were attempting to test two of their new medium range missiles, the Longdong II, which was designed to hit targets in the United States,” said Air Force General Buck Turgidson.

“But one just fell into the Sea of Japan, which is practically overflowing with their fucking low tech gadgetry from earlier tests. The other streaked straight up into the stratosphere and according to NASA is on its way out of the solar system. Will these idiots never give up?”

According to General Turgidson the hapless North Koreans also tested a new “super secret” rocket called the Vulgarian I, a short, stubby weapon shaped like a Vienna sausage which, according to the general, is all bluster and no substance.

“The Vulgarian I is completely full of shit,” said Turgidson. “Its only purpose is to scare and intimidate the poorly educated into doing the launcher’s bidding.”

Mr. Kim is expected to complete his journey sometime next month, by which time the joint U.S.-South Korean military exercises will be over, and the dehydrated dictator can get back to eating cheese and executing extended family members with Alsatians and anti-aircraft guns.

 

 

Ancient Aztec Snake God Endorses Fascist For President

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rickscott777

 

TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and all around despicable human being Rick Scott endorsed Donald Trump for president today. “With his victories yesterday, I believe it is now time for Republicans to accept and respect the will of the voters and coalesce behind Donald Trump,” Mr. Scott said in a post on Facebook.

rickscott33

Governor Scott said he would have liked to endorse Trump in person but was feeling lethargic after devouring an illegal Mexican agricultural worker from central Florida and two infants left on the steps of the governor’s mansion to try to placate the climate denying tyrant.

 

 

The governor lamented the fact that he could not address the press directly on this matter, but said he was unable to do so because he was feeling lethargic after suffocating and devouring an infant this weekend during his once per month feeding session.

Scott, known to his intimates as Quetzalcoat, or “feathered serpent,” made clear his rationale: that the party will rip itself to shreds trying to stop someone with a clear path to the nomination.

“Ripping people to shreds is an activity that should be limited to state houses and governor’s mansions, and should only be done under the cover of night,” said the reincarnated Aztec deity.

“If we spend another four months tearing each other apart, we will damage our ability to win in November. It’s time for an end to the Republican on Republican violence and concentrate on tearing out the hearts and livers of minorities, illegal aliens, and their small children,” he wrote.

“It’s time for us to begin coming together, we’ve had a vigorous primary, now let’s get serious about taking over this country and turning it into a hell on earth.”

rickscott77

Human sacrifice of political opponents has been one of the more effective strategies Scott has used to consolidate power in Florida.

Scott responded to several comments that were critical of the governor backing a fascist asshole for president.

“Fascists have always gotten a bum rap as far as I’m concerned,” stated Scott.

“There’s a great deal to be said for intimidating a nation’s population through the use of concentration camps, perpetual war, and human sacrifice.

“I think if we all work together we can elect a man who will be universally despised by both the citizens of the United States and all the countries of the world. I can’t wait.”

Ben Carson Exchanges Soul For Seat In Trump Cabinet

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Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, presidential candidate, and person with a good reputation Dr. Ben Carson unwittingly traded his soul for a seat in Donald’s Trump’s cabinet yesterday when he endorsed the insecure fascist lunatic for President of the United States.

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Biblical scholars were quick to point out that Carson was probably visited by Satan himself and he just mistook him for a messenger from God. “Now Carson will more than likely spend eternity in Hell,” said one bishop. “Republicans make this mistake all the time.”

Carson told a reporter “I prayed about it a lot, and I got a lot of indications, people calling me that I haven’t talked to for a long time saying, ‘I had this dream about you and Donald Trump’ — I mean, just amazing things…”

Carson said that a friend he had not talked to since he performed brain surgery on him called and told him that he had a dream about Carson, Trump, and a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman eating Trump steaks in the White House.

Carson immediately interpreted the dream using the Holy Scriptures as a guide, and determined that he was meant to serve in a future Trump administration.

Ministry_of_Silly_Walks

Carson is expected to be put in charge of the planned ‘Ministry of Silly Walks’ should Trump be elected president. “We can’t afford to put that idiot in a position where he has to make important decisions,” chuckled Trump.

He also said that he while sleepwalking through a wooded area over five miles from his home, he suddenly woke up and saw stars in the sky. “That was a clear indication from God that I needed to endorse a guy who has no love or respect for anyone but himself,” said Carson, as he tried his best to keep his eyes open.

Carson said that the real clincher was when Joseph, disguised as Lucifer dressed in a Technicolor jacket, came to him in a dream and told him to endorse Trump. Later in the dream Joseph gave him plans for nuclear pyramids that would power the United States forever and ever and ever.

“I knew then what I had to do,” said Carson.

 

Trump praised the decision and told Carson how much he appreciated the endorsement despite having previously called him a “Somnambulant religious kook with pathological tendencies who would be a danger to himself and everyone around him if he could stay awake long enough to do any damage.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Republican Base Bewildered By Last Night’s Debate

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redneck2

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – Interviews conducted by Fox News today indicate that last night’s presidential debate has left most of the Republican base confused and bewildered.

Although most of the candidates’ statements were outright lies or feeble attempts to mask a desire to return to the Middle Ages, the debate mostly featured policy issues and little of the name-calling and childlike behavior of earlier contests.

“The debate was much more civil than the others,” said Chris Mathews of MSNBC. “For the most part the candidates acted like adults, albeit dumb ones.”

This change in behavior and shift towards arguing about policy issues has apparently stunned GOP voters and left them wondering who to trust.

redneckrap

Cyrus Buttplug of Panama City Beach, Florida told Fox News that he “Didn’t understand what the fuck the candidates were saying last night” and wished they would stick to the “important shit” like they did in earlier debates.

“I didn’t understand a God damn thing they said up thar last night,” said Cyrus Buttplug, a longtime Trump supporter from Panama City Beach, Florida. “Just how the hell we gonna make ‘Murica great again talkin’ ’bout social security and fern relations? I don’t know who to vote fer now.”

Reverend Billy Bob McSneed, a kooky religious zealot and pastor of Our Lady of the Malfunctioning Scrotum Baptist Church in Putrid Springs, Texas, has been a supporter of Ted Cruz since he first announced his candidacy.

“I’m disappointed in Ted,” said the pastor. “I didn’t hear him mention the Baby Jesus one time. Not once! Just how in the hell are we gonna run this country without consulting the Baby Jesus? Tell me that!”

After the interview segments ran on Fox today campaign spokesmen have been scrambling to get on the air with the major networks to assure voters that the candidates will be back to name-calling, gutter humor, and mindless insults at the next debate, so the poorly educated base of the Republican Party has nothing to worry about.

“I think the potential nominees have seen their mistake and will do their best to correct it,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “With so much at stake in 2016, we just can’t afford to start making sense right now.”

 

 

 

 

GOP To Offer Michigan Governor Rick Snyder As Human Sacrifice As Part Of Stop Trump Campaign

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LANSING – (CT&P) – The RNC has announced that it will be offering Governor Rick Snyder of Michigan as a human sacrifice to the Republican patron saint, the demon Balthazar, in a last-ditch effort to stop Donald Trump from getting the GOP nomination for president.

Chairman of the RNC Reince Pribus told Fox News that he hoped that Balthazar would intercede on the GOP’s behalf and convince Lucifer that Trump would destroy the party and the country as well if he were elected.

“The Republican Party has had a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Our Lord Satan, and we feel sure that the Prince of Darkness will hear our plea and send a swarm of locusts to eat Donald Trump alive or some such thing,” said Priebus, as he donned a black robe and removed a set of stilettos from a glass case.

“We realize that Mephistopheles almost always supports fascist candidates, and that’s one reason we’ve done so well in recent years. But we feel that Trump speaks a little too honestly about our goals and ideals and could wreck our long-term plans.”

The chairman said that a date for the ritual had not yet been set, but the method and location had already been determined.

“We plan on nailing Snyder to a cross in the town square in Flint and letting him hang there for a few hours before slowly lowering him into a vat of molten lead,” said Priebus.

“We plan on inviting the media and making it a family friendly event with hot dogs and ice cream for the kids. We’ve also made sure that there will be plenty of bottled water on hand so none of our supporters will have to drink that poisonous sludge all those poor folks have to drink on a daily basis,” Priebus chuckled.

 

 

 

 

El Chapo Offered Immunity In Return For Trump’s Head

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SCARFACE, F. Murray Abraham, 1983. (c) Universal Pictures.

 

MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Notorious drug kingpin “El Chapo” Guzman has been offered blanket immunity from prosecution by the Mexican government if the criminal mastermind is able to bring Donald Trump’s orange head to Mexico City before the Republican Convention begins in July, according to an article to be published next week in the German magazine Der Spiegal.

According to the article, the offer was made after extensive negotiations between the Mexican government and shadowy Republican establishment figures who traveled to Mexico after the results of the Super Tuesday primaries and caucuses became clear.

The talks were brokered by former president of Mexico Vicente Fox at an exclusive resort on Mexico’s west coast.

Gerhard Merwerdichliebe, author of the article, told CNN that Fox, along with high-ranking members of the GOP, were the driving forces behind the deal.

“President Fox reached out to friends in the GOP establishment early last month after becoming completely fed up with Trump’s plans to build a wall along America’s southern border,” said Merwerdichliebe. “His appeals fell on receptive ears and the rest is history.”

When reached by phone for comment, former president Fox told CNN that he knew nothing about any plans regarding the murder and dismemberment of the GOP front-runner.

“I never like him,” said Fox, as he was counting out tall stacks of hundred-dollar bills. “But I don’t know nothing about no plans to chop off that cock-a-roach’s head, place it in a bowling ball bag, and bring it to a restaurant in Mexico City before noon on July 18th.

“Fuck the Tea Party, fuck Donald Trump, fuck that fucking wall, and fuck the fucking Diaz brothers. Fuck, fuck, fuck!” said Fox as he ended the phone interview.

RNC Warns Candidates “Don’t Drink The Water” While In Michigan

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flint

 

DETROIT – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that an emergency RNC memo has been circulated to all the Republican candidates participating in tonight’s debate in Detroit. The memo purportedly warns the candidates and their staffs against drinking any tap water during their visit to Michigan.

“We wanted to warn all the campaigns about the dangers of drinking water processed anywhere within the State of Michigan,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “The fiasco in Flint has been well documented, but what people may not know is that Tea Bagging bastard Snyder has wreaked havoc all over Michigan. He’s an environmentalist’s nightmare.

“We’re mainly concerned about Trump and Rubio. Those two dummies can ill afford to lose any more brain cells. Kasich already knows better, and we’re led to understand that Cruz only drinks human blood.”

The report from the AP has raised eyebrows with pundits across the country, particularly since only last week all the Republican candidates for president signed a pledge to abolish the EPA, repeal the Clean Water Act, loosen restrictions on the dumping of carcinogens and radioactive waste into rivers and streams, and to generally screw poor people whenever they get the chance.

 

 

Poorly Educated Voters Choose Giant Penis To Lead Republican Party

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teaparty1

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Businessman, megalomaniac, and fascist prick Donald Trump was chosen overwhelmingly over other candidates by poorly educated idiots in Super Tuesday primaries all across the country last night.

Morons from all walks of life flocked to the polls to give the giant bipedal penis wins in seven GOP primaries, and delegates from each of the other four states in play.

The seven state sweep virtually guarantees that Trump will go into the GOP convention with a majority of delegates. Historians and political pundits believe that this is the first time a reproductive organ has been chosen to lead a major political party.

“It’s unprecedented”, said MSNBC’s Chris Mathews. “I don’t remember an election in which a giant dick has had so much success.”

Mr. Trump held a press conference in Miami to thank the simpletons, imbeciles, and half-wits that came out to vote for him.

“With the help of all you numbnuts, cretins, and chowderheads, we’re going to make America great again!” said Mr. Trump, as he gestured wildly with his undersized hands.

The few supporters allowed to attend the press conference acknowledged the abominable piece of human garbage with a Nazi salute before they were given cheese sandwiches and escorted out of the building by armed thugs.

Billy Joe Scrotumface, a Trump supporter and fucking idiot from Panama City Beach who was a special guest at the presser, told CNN that he loves Trump because he “tells it like it is.”

“It’s about time we threw out all the Messicans and Mooslims in this country,” said Scrotumface, as he oiled and cleaned an automatic rifle outside the building. “I just can’t wait to sign up for the deportation force.”

After the results of the primaries and caucuses became clear late last night, Republican establishment figures were sent scrambling for new ideas on how they could stop the hideous ghoul from New York from seizing the nomination.

“We’ve considered all types of plans, from exploding cigars to poisoned Perrier water,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “All I know is this asshole has to be stopped before he completely destroys our Party.”

If all else fails and Trump wins the nomination, cyanide-laced Kool-Aid has been prepared for Republican senators in blue states.