Tag Archives: gop

Ben Carson To Star In New X-Files Episode

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epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

 

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Retired neurosurgeon and fantasy presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson will have a starring role in Episode 4 of the X-Files revival, which begins airing on Fox in January.

According to series creator Chris Carter, Carson will play a charismatic but criminally insane Seventh-day Adventist minister who plots terror attacks on abortion clinics, gay night clubs, and university science departments.

The episode in which Carson stars revolves around Molder and Scully trying to prevent a rumored attack on the U.S. Supreme Court.

“Originally we had written a much more complex role for Dr. Carson,” said Carter. “We had assumed that he had acting experience because we didn’t think that anyone could possibly believe the crap that comes out of his mouth. Boy were we wrong. The guy is a fucking fruitcake! So we got together and re-wrote the episode and gave him something he could really relate to. I think it’ll turn out just fine now.”

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In the much anticipated episode, Molder discovers that a mild mannered minister played by Carson is actually a Red Lectroid from Planet 10 bent on instituting a Christian version of sharia law in America. Blowing up the Supreme Court is just the first phase of his evil plan.

During an interview on CNN Variety editor Peter Bart said that Episode 4 is probably the most realistic scenario in the whole miniseries.

“The working title is ‘Idiot from Planet 10,'” said Bart.

“Basically it’s about a group of gullible white people who worship Carson and believe anything he says, no matter how ridiculous. They’ll do anything for him, including sacrificing their lives in an effort to turn America into a Christian theocracy.

“I don’t want to give away the whole thing, but I will say that Molder discovers that Carson’s church and compound is built under high voltage power lines, thus making the white folks highly susceptible to suggestion and even dumber than they normally are. It’s pretty realistic.”

Many pundits believe that the added exposure could help Carson boost his poll numbers with what can only be described as the unhinged batshit crazy base of the Republican Party.

The episode is scheduled to air in late February.

 

Sarah Palin Declared Legally Dead

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BALTIMORE – (CT&P) – A team of distinguished physicians and Ph.D’s from Johns Hopkins who examined Sarah Palin during a recent trip to Baltimore has declared her legally dead.

While at Hopkins, Palin was subjected to a wide variety of tests including functional MRI, PET, EEG, and CAT scans, as well as a whole battery of other tests on her body and brain.

The leader of the team, Dr. Jay Baraban, a professor specializing in MicroRNA regulation of synaptic function, told CNN that the scientists found almost no electrical activity within Palin’s skull, indicating that Palin is basically a zombie.

“What we found was truly amazing,” said Baraban. “Ms Palin is basically a walking turnip. I’m amazed she has the ability to wipe her own ass.”

The team also found that Palin had little or no blood flow through her brain.

“The fMRI scan revealed that Palin’s brain is basically a fetid swamp,” said Dr. Jeremiah Cohen, an Assistant Professor of Neuroscience specializing in neural circuits for reward, mood, and decision-making. “I really don’t see how the woman can function at all. It’s no surprise to me that the bitch never makes any sense.”

The team’s findings are not legally binding, so no one should get their hopes up that Palin can be detained and placed in a facility where she can be studied for the freak of nature that she is. However, the proper authorities have been notified of her condition so she can be monitored until all her systems shut down or someone drives a spike through her head.

Glenn Beck’s Sanity Reaches “Tipping Point”

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LOS ANGELES -(CT&P) – A team of psychiatrists, psychologists, and graduate level researchers from UCLA tasked with keeping tabs on right-wing nut jobs has released a statement saying that they believe talk show host Glenn Beck has reached the point where he could snap and break with reality at any moment.

Beck, a historical revisionist, conspiracy theorist, and all around delusional fuckwit, runs his own media company, and has long been a magnet for weak-minded members of society.

Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team at UCLA, told CNN that the mere fact that Beck has so many followers in the United States is alarming and does not bode well for the future of the country.

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Beck has long been haunted by the idea that a space alien or Satanic demon has taken over his soul and is directing his actions. He has to constantly remind himself that he is indeed a human being.

“Beck is one crazy fuck,” said Bigboote. “He thinks the world is run by a combination of the Illuminati and some unnamed dark force that lurks just beyond the asteroid belt. He has a massive messiah complex, and when you combine that with his multiple conspiracy theories and fucked up interpretation of history, well, it makes for a volatile mixture.”

Dr. John Yaya and Professor John Small Berries, other members of the prestigious research team, agree.

“Beck spent an entire hour of his radio program interviewing Jonathan Cahn, a huckster of the highest order, about his “Mystery of the Shemitah” theory, which postulates that some massive calamity — possibly an economic meltdown, possibly a terrorist attack, possibly a natural disaster — is going to strike the United States on September 13,” said Dr. Yaya. “This kind of crap is better suited for some kind of steam punk comic book than serious television. It shows just how close Beck is to losing it.”

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Beck, considered by most reasonable people to be a raving lunatic, became too unstable even for Fox News.

“That’s right,” said Professor Small Berries. “Beck thinks that America has reached some kind of ‘tipping point’ that will push us over into certain doom. The term is taking the dim-witted, weak minded evangelical crowd by storm. You can’t swing a cat without hitting the term ‘tipping point’ on the internet. These people truly believe that civil rights for all, marriage equality, and progressive ideas such as health care for the poor are going to lead to our destruction. They’re truly delusional.”

The UCLA team is set to publish their findings in next month’s edition of Psychology Today.

“Hopefully people will listen to us this time,” said Bigboote. “We accurately forecast Urban Meyer’s break with reality but University of Florida officials ignored our warnings, and look what happened; the Gators are having trouble defeating high school caliber opponents.

“Our sincere hope is that Beck can be institutionalized and get the help he needs so badly before something horrible happens to him or his loved ones. The sooner we get this fucking lunatic off the air the better.”

CNN Uses Affirmative Action To Include Fiorina In Debate

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) –CNN is amending the criteria for its Republican presidential debate in September, opening the door for Carly Fiorina to join the other top-tier candidates on the stage.

The cause: a lack of national public polling following the August 6 debate has so far provided only three new polls to determine the lineup for the Reagan Presidential Debate, according to a  CNN statement. CNN also expressed the desire to place Fiorina on stage “because she is a woman and women deserve an equal chance to look stupid on national television, just like the men.”

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It’s hoped that the second debate will force the cream to rise to the top of the crowded Republican field.

As a result, CNN reevaluated its criteria and decided to add a provision that better reflects the state of the race since the first Republican presidential debate in August, the network announced Tuesday.

Now, any candidate who ranks in the top 10 in polling between August 7 and September 10 will be included.

The adjustment may result in additional candidates joining the top-tier debate, but the final podium placements will not be known until the eligibility window closes on September 10.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, who was named after a rare urinary tract disorder, called a press conference and said the GOP was pleased with the decision.

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Although Fiorina has entertained running for veep on a Trump-Fiorina ticket, pundits hope that she will still give the cretinous bigot hell on stage.

“We are delighted that Carly will be given the opportunity to look like an idiot along with all the other clowns we have running in 2016,” said Priebus.

“Now we have a real businesswoman in the mix who knows how to fire thousands of people and wreck a tech company while at the same time negotiating a golden parachute for herself. She really knows how to exploit and deceive the weak, and that’s always a plus with a Republican candidate.

“I think she’ll make an excellent addition to our group of religious kooks, conspiracy theorists, doofuses, and power mad megalomaniacs that are currently leading the field.”

The debate will air in prime time on CNN on September 16th.

 

Daleiden Loses Virginity Four Years Ahead Of Schedule

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IRVINE, CALIFORNIA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show last night, 26-year-old propaganda filmmaker and insecure dweeb David Daleiden announced that he had lost his virginity a full four years ahead of his intended target date.

Daleiden told Hannity that he had given up hope of having sex before he was 30 and the encounter was completely unexpected.

“It just happened Sean, no one was more surprised than me,” said Daleiden, who had a huge grin on his face. “No woman has ever been interested in me before now.”

“In high school I was considered a loser, and girls treated me like radioactive waste. Nothing has really changed since then, but let me tell you, these films I patched, edited, and glued together from conversations taken out of context has made me a rock star with young Christian women. It’s great!”

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Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had taken a month-long leave from her job in Atlantic City and they planned on really getting to know each other over the next 30 days. “I may be in love,” he said.

Daleiden relayed to a bemused Hannity that a young God-fearing fan had approached him after a speech he made outside the trailer that serves as international headquarters for his sham organization called the Center for Medical Progress.

“She said she admired me for what I was doing and wanted to share some of God’s love,” said Daleiden.

“She told me her name was Chastity McTart from Beaver Falls, New York and she had hitchhiked across the country to meet me and thank me for the good work I was doing for women’s health issues. I just couldn’t believe it. I really hadn’t been thinking too much about sex because I didn’t know anything about it, and I’ve been too busy for the last decade trying to sink an organization dedicated to the well-being of low-income women across the United States.

Daleiden told Hannity that although he had been obsessed with controlling women’s vaginas and their personal medical decisions for most of his life, he had never really thought about how babies are made in the first place.

“But let me tell you Sean, this fucking stuff is really where it’s at!” Had I known how fun it is I wouldn’t have wasted my time with all this bullshit I’ve been involved in for so many years. In fact, I plan on fucking a lot from now on!”

In the closing segment of the show Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had promised give him something called a blowjob tonight and he was really was looking forward to it.

 

 

 

Fester Addams Joins Republican Field For President

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference yesterday afternoon, state senator Fester Addams (R-FL) announced that he would be joining the already crowded field vying for the Republican nomination for president.

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Fester said his first priority as president will be to formulate some sort of coherent energy policy.

From his mansion at 0001 Cemetery Lane in Panama City, Fester told reporters that it was high time a serious candidate with a firm grip on the issues joined the race.

 

“I saw that train wreck of a debate Thursday night, and watched in horror as candidate after candidate spewed the same tired rhetoric we’ve heard for decades,” said Fester.

 

“I just could not believe the bullshit I was hearing. It’s almost as if these guys are stuck in some sort of 1960’s sitcom.”

 

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Fester told reporters that he finally made up his mind to run after he saw how well Senator Ted Cruz was doing despite making a fool of himself on a regular basis

Fester, affectionately known as “Uncle” to his colleagues in Florida, is well-known for his antics on the floor of the state house, which include sticking light bulbs in his mouth and moving metal objects around the room with his mind in order to distract Democrat speakers.

 

Fester said that he had been considering a run for quite some time but the straw that broke the dragon’s back was the nonsense that came out of Senator Ted Cruz’s mouth during the debate.

 

“If that lunatic can spout the crap he does and actually climb in the polls, well then I ought to have a legitimate shot at the nomination,” said Fester.

Fester told the assembled reporters that the bulk of his campaign will be financed by his brother Gomez, but a kickoff fundraiser will be held this week in the fetid swamp bordering his home.

“Everyone is invited,” said Fester.

 

Trump Asks Carly Fiorina To Be Running Mate

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – This morning Donald Trump told the couch tumors on Fox and Friends that he has asked Carly Fiorina to be his running mate in the upcoming 2016 presidential election.

Confident of victory over the “bunch of losers” running against him for the Republican nomination, Trump told Brian Kilmeade that he wanted to go ahead and get a veep on board as early as possible so the two of them could get down to some serious Hillary bashing over the next 12 months.

After Steve Doocy explained to Kilmeade what a “veep” was, Kilmeade asked Trump if he wasn’t “jumping the gun” a little.

“Listen Brian, I’m rich, and that’s all anyone needs to know,” said Trump. “If America is to survive the wave of diseased Mexican rapists that our Kenyan Muslim socialist dictator of a president has allowed to enter this country then I’m the only reasonable choice.

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Fiorina accepted Trump’s offer after seeing her latest polling numbers, which indicate that she is about as popular as an intestinal parasite.

“America still has a chance to be great again, but only if I’m elected. My secret plans to defeat ISIS and Iran are rock solid, and my economic policies are the greatest that mankind has ever devised.”

When Kilmeade asked Trump why he chose Fiorina over all the other raving lunatics in the GOP field, Trump answered, “Well, she’s a woman, which means she’ll be easily intimidated and do exactly as I say, and I admire the way she negotiated a golden parachute for herself as she ran Hewlett-Packard right into the ground.

“Also, she understands the Republican economic philosophy, which dictates that business owners should lay off tens of thousands of workers, cut benefits, and pay subsistence wages while politicians destroy the social safety net and give tax breaks to huge corporations and the wealthiest 1% in this country. That way, economic prosperity will trickle down to the oppressed masses and we’ll create a whole bunch of new low paying dead-end jobs. It’s a time-tested successful formula that’s worked every time it’s been tried, and it has the wonderful side benefit of destroying the middle class.”

The three Fox and Friends abnormal tissue masses congratulated Trump on his logic, and after wiping saliva from their chins, moved on to interview Dr. Ben Carson, another GOP candidate and insane person who believes that the Ark was real and dinosaurs once walked the earth with man.

Scott Walker Vows To Be ‘Education President’

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa last week, Wisconsin governor and presidential candidate Scott Walker promised a fawning crowd of over 3000 supporters that if elected, he would finally find time to get an education.

“I want to be known as an ‘educated president,’ not some dumbass who has no clue what the fuck he’s doing,” said Walker. “I’m sure that once I’m elected I’ll be able to find time to take some courses in remedial English, civics, and even a little history. Bob Jones University has even offered me a scholarship!

“It’s important for the president to be the leader of the entire country, not just a bunch of hicks that want to do away with the entire federal government. I’d like to be able to say that I can lead the enlightened as well as the idiotic.”

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According to aides, Governor Walker spends a great deal of his free time reading children’s books so he can boost his comprehension level past that of preschooler with encephalitis.

Walker, who has conducted an all-out war on higher education since becoming governor of Wisconsin, has been criticized for his lack of understanding of complex issues.

“Walker shows almost no grasp of any concept taught past the 8th grade,” said Wisconsin Education Association Council president Betsy Kippers. “He doesn’t know if he believes in evolution, he doesn’t know if homosexuality is a choice, and he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. The bastard barely knows his right from his left. He’s an idiot.”

Governor Walker stirred up controversy in February when he stupidly compared protesting teachers and their supporters with terrorists threatening to ‘blow up America.’ But lately he’s been trying to soften his image and appeal to Americans who actually graduated from high school.

“I want to do more than just bust up teacher’s unions, abolish abortion, and deny health care to the poor,” said Walker. “I want to learn how to play checkers, for example.”

When asked by reporters whether he would take any courses in science so he could tell the difference between weather and climate, photosynthesis and Photoshop, a blastocoel and a blast radius, and a zebra from a zygote, Walker replied, “Oh no, we Republicans are Christians and don’t practice the ‘black arts.’ We leave that to Satan and his minions.”

 

 

 

Trump Replaces Bill O’Reilly As Nation’s Most Prominent Asshole

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll conducted just this morning has found that a majority of Americans now believe that Donald Trump is the most obnoxious asshole they have ever heard of. Trump edged out Bill O’Reilly, Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Jim Inhofe to win top honors.

The lightning poll of 100 million adults asked participants to rate each individual in terms of obnoxiousness, pomposity, lack of empathy, stupidity, and blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance.

“The results were stunning,” said Michael Dimock, President of Pew Research. “65% of those polled rated Trump the ‘largest walking anus’ they had ever seen, with the former champ Bill O’Reilly dropping to a distant second place.”

When asked if they could describe Trump in one word, participants in the poll used adjectives like “vile,” “heinous,” “disgusting,” “loathsome,” “repugnant,” and “odious” to describe the Republican front-runner.

When asked why he thought there was such a shift in public opinion, Dimock said that the almost unfathomable amount of bullshit pouring forth from Trump’s mouth in recent weeks probably had something to do with it.

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Although O’Reilly is no longer considered “king of the assholes” by the American public, he retained his title of “Biggest Horse’s Ass on Television.”

“When you go around saying that 17% of our population consists of a gang of diseased rapists and start bad-mouthing a war hero when you yourself got a deferment for an ankle sprain, people naturally start to regard you as some kind of hideous parasitic worm, which is exactly what Trump is,” said Dimock.

Dimock was less decisive as to whether the change in attitude would affect Trump’s campaign for the Republican nomination for president.

“Most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Dimock. “I mean we’re talking about the Tea Party wing of the GOP; these people can’t even spell moron or constitution correctly on their protest signs.

“I think Trump will continue to poll pretty well among those Neanderthals. They think he’s ‘telling it like it is’ when he has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about. He’s still got a shot.”

When Trump was asked about the poll during a press conference this afternoon, he told reporters, “Yes, that’s right. I’m the richest asshole in the United States.”

Bill O’Reilly, who held the top spot for many years, claimed the poll was a conspiracy hatched by White House officials and their friends in the liberal media.

When reached by phone for comment, O’Reilly told New York Times reporter Emily Steel that the poll was wildly inaccurate and he was still the biggest asshole on the public stage. He also threatened to kill anyone involved in the poll or any employee of Pew Research that he could get his hands on.

 

Planned Parenthood Linked To Benghazi Attack

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman Trey “Curt” Gowdy (R-SC) of the House Select Committee for Investigating Benghazi for the 5th Time told reporters today that the committee had heard testimony this morning that indicated there was a link between executives at Planned Parenthood and the plot to kill Ambassador J Christopher Stevens hatched by Hillary Clinton and other members of the Obama White House.

“We heard testimony from a 15-year-old girl who, when visiting a Planned Parenthood  health center in Sandy Springs, Georgia, was recruited to participate in the raid on our consulate in Libya,” said Gowdy.

A protester reacts as the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi is seen in flames during a protest by an armed group said to have been protesting a film being produced in the United States in this September 11, 2012 file photo. Ahmed Abu Khatallah, a key suspect in the 2012 attack on the U.S. diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya, is being held on a U.S. ship following his capture over the weekend by U.S. special operations forces, a U.S. official said on June 17, 2014. The official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the suspect was apprehended on the outskirts of Benghazi in a secret operation. He will be brought to the United States, the official added. REUTERS/Esam Al-Fetori/Files (LIBYA - Tags: POLITICS CIVIL UNREST)

This man, who participated in the attack on our consulate, was previously identified as Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi Jr. According to Gowdy, the committee has discovered that his real name is John Small Berries of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. Gowdy claims he was employed by Planned Parenthood as a janitor and fetal parts delivery boy at the Baltimore, Maryland branch.

According to Gowdy, the girl, who was only 12 years old at the time, had visited the health center when she was 35 1/2 weeks pregnant in order to get an abortion. Gowdy said that after the abortion was completed the fetus was cut up and shipped off to various eugenics and reanimation labs around the globe.

“That was when the real lawbreaking began,” said Gowdy.

According to Gowdy, after the operation when the girl was sitting around drinking wine with the staff, she was approached by an aide to Hillary Clinton who offered her fifty bucks plus expenses to fly to Libya and participate in the attack. Gowdy said the girl declined because she had a date that night with a particularly hot member of her church.

“We consider this whole episode an outrage, and we have video evidence to back up this poor girl’s story,” said Gowdy.

Gowdy told Fox News that an organization called “Christians United Against Providing Health Care To The Poor” happened to be in the waiting room that day on a sting operation. The clandestine team, posing as buyers from the retail chain Baby Parts R Us, filmed the whole episode with cell phones.

“I think this is straw that breaks the camel’s back on this whole conspiracy,” said Gowdy. “These revelations are going to bring down the Hillary campaign and will probably mean jail time for everyone involved.”

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Despite the Libyan government’s best efforts to put it out, this vehicle is still burning three years after the attack.

When reached for comment on the testimony and video, the ranking Democrat on the committee Elijah Cummings (MD) told CNN that as usual Gowdy was full of shit.

“They dragged this poor chick before the committee and she read from a prepared script written on Darrell Issa’s stationary,” said Cummings.

“Then they show this shaky video of people talking and smiling in a waiting room. It was hard to make out who said what because the audio was obviously dubbed in later. I mean it looked like an old Godzilla movie. Gaps in the video are filled in with old Bugs Bunny cartoons. It was a ridiculous waste of time and taxpayers’ money, but what the fuck else is new with these clowns?”

Gowdy told Fox News that, although there were a few holes in the story, the entire Republican Caucus would be viewing film at a gala reception planned for the unfortunate young woman next week in Georgetown, and after that a decision would be made about what to do.