Tag Archives: gun nuts

Confused Man Searches For His Penis Inside Atlanta Airport

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cooley

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – A disoriented 50-year-old man wearing an AR-15 rifle around his neck entered Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport today and wandered around aimlessly looking in rubbish bins and behind newspaper stands, according to reports from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

When approached by airport security personnel he reportedly said that he was “searching for his penis.”

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Before moving to Atlanta Mr. Cooley was the winner of the Chicagoland Small Penis Competition for three years running

The man, Jim Cooley, lives with his wife and daughter in an abandoned hunting shack located in a wooded area north of Atlanta. He regularly shows up in parks and public buildings around the city and asks passers-by if they have seen his penis and testicles.

Although originally from Chicago, Illinois, Cooley came down south in attempt to get away from people who ridiculed his paranoid fantasies about the federal government coming to take away his guns and sexual organs. Cooley is said to have settled in Georgia because of its borderline-insane firearms laws.

While many passengers were terrified at the gun-carrying man walking freely around the airport, Cooley was breaking no law because the State of Georgia actively encourages mentally unstable residents to arm themselves to the teeth and wander around aimlessly.

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Mr. Cooley lives with his wife Ethyl and their daughter Chloride in an abandoned hunting shack adjacent to a toxic waste dump

“He wasn’t hurting anyone and did not act threatening,” said Edward Dimbulb, a security guard at the airport. “We all kind of felt sorry for the old bastard. I mean it’s a hell of thing to have a dick so small that you can’t find it.”

Sergeant Robert Dogkiller of the Atlanta Police Department told the Journal-Constitution that although it was perfectly fine that Cooley was in the busiest airport in the fucking world with a loaded assault rifle, the APD had to remove Cooley when he stuck his hand down his pants and began weeping in front of a group of schoolchildren in route to North Korea to study civics.

“We southerners don’t want our kids exposed to anything that might lead them to believe that touching their own sexual organs is OK,” said Dogkiller. “If they need to examine something they can examine their Bibles.”

Cooley was removed without incident from the airport and transported to the edge of the woods where he lives. His dark red ’75 pickup was impounded but will be returned to him as soon as he coughs up the $5000 fine for parking in a handicapped zone.

 

 

Progressive Texas Law Helps Provide Firearms For The Mentally Challenged

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opencarry7

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A law that just went into effect last month in Texas provides funds for a new statewide program called “Cannons for Cretins.” The pilot program assists Texas residents who are illiterate or otherwise too mentally challenged to successfully complete the necessary paperwork for owning a firearm.

From now on, every firearms dealer will have a state employee who graduated from at least sixth grade on premises at all times to guide applicants through the approval process. The form consists of a single sheet of paper and requires the applicant to declare his or her age, sex, and most recent felonies. The applicant may sign with a simple “X” if that is all he can manage.

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“Cannons for Cretins” helped Warner V. Numbnuts III get the assault rifle he always lusted after. Shunned in high school because of his poor taste in attire and malodorous emissions, Warner now suffers from low self-esteem. Ownership of an AK-47 with a thirty-round clip and depleted uranium ammunition has seemed to help. Here he is seen shopping for hydrocortisone cream to help relieve the pain of genital sores he picked up while working on a goat farm last summer.

The program also helps the less fortunate purchase higher-end assault rifles and sidearms that they would not otherwise be able to afford. Volunteers are being sought to drive those who are too poor to own a truck or who could not pass their driver’s license exam to gun shows or weapons dealers so that the critical purchases can be made.

“The mentally challenged make up a large percentage of our population here in Texas, and it’s high time we did something to help them realize the dream of gun ownership,” said Representative Joe “Scrotum Face” McConnell of Muleshoe. “This new program will help dim wits, dullards, fruitcakes, pin heads, and imbeciles get the weapons they deserve.”

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“Cannons for Cretins” helped Gertie “Ma” Barker buy a huge, deadly sidearm along with thousands of rounds of hollow point ammunition. Before she got help from the new program she could only afford a rusty Revolutionary War blunderbuss. “You don’t know how heartbreaking it is to tell your kids they’ll get no supper because Mommy has to buy ball bearings and black powder. I’m in debt to our brave politicians,” said Barker, seen here shopping for bread and water at Walmart.

“That’s right,” said Representative Charles Whitman Jr. of Fort Worth. “No one can say that we don’t care about our ‘less fortunate’ citizens here in Texas. Morons, idiots, simpletons, retards, and even ignorant twits all across the state will now have their self-esteem boosted by gun ownership.”

Opponents of the bill argued that since most of the citizens the new law was supposed to “help” did not have the sense to come out of the rain it may not be such a good idea to arm them with assault rifles and high-capacity magazines.

Governor and part-time presidential candidate Rick Perry, who supported the bill, brushed objections to the law aside and called them “nonsense.”

“We take the 2nd Amendment seriously here in Texas and we are gonna arm every son of a bitch we can with the most modern firearms available. We have to prepare for the coming race war and defend ourselves against the evils of the federal government. They’ve already shoved equal treatment for negras and Messicans down our throats. We aren’t going to stand by and let ’em make gay marriage and abortion legal in Texas. We intend to fight!”

Politicians in several other “Bible Belt” states are discussing similar programs and have sent aides to Texas to observe the effects of the new law and to get advice from the bill’s sponsors.

 

 

New Bill Will Provide Grant Money For Hunters And Gun Nuts

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gun-nut

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A new bill introduced in the U.S. House of Representatives will make grant money and guaranteed federal loans available for men infatuated with guns and obsessed with inflicting pain on innocent wildlife. The bill, H.R. 6666, will provide funds for cosmetic surgery and enhancement of genitalia for men considered too poor to pay for the changes themselves.

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Scientific studies have shown that male obsession with firearms and killing is linked to feelings of sexual inadequacy caused by a shorter than average penis or shrunken testicles

Representative John Conyers (D-MI) and Eliot Engel (D-N.Y. ) introduced the bill in a desperate attempt to try to at least slow down the number of mass shootings and gun related deaths in the United States.

“In 2015, gun related deaths are projected to surpass the number of traffic fatalities for the first time in our history,” said Conyers, at a press conference on Capitol Hill. “We know from many scientific studies that the insecurity caused by having a short penis or small testicles is the driving force behind many of these guy’s blood lust and fascination with firearms, and we want to help these guys out.”

“That’s right,” said Engel. “We now have the technology to attack the root problem, and we would be remiss if we didn’t provide funds for men who are just too poor to seek help on their own. Everyone with any sense at all knows that any individual who enjoys watching animals writhe in pain and succumb to their wounds is lacking something not only upstairs, but downstairs as well.”

“We realize that most of our recent mass shootings have been carried out by psychotics who should never have been sold guns in the first place, and they are beyond help. However, there are other groups that could benefit from treatment, both physical and mental. After cosmetic and genital enhancement surgery many of these dudes will regain the feeling of security and self-confidence that they lost early in life. These guys will be walking around feeling like they have a couple of bowling balls in a marble sack, which should help to eliminate their sense of self-doubt.”

The bill, dubbed “The Male Genital Enhancement Act of 2014” will also provide funds for the design and production of flak jackets for deer, bear, raccoons, and a variety of other wildlife.

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If the new bill passes and is signed by President Obama, Modular Advanced Armed Robotic Systems (MAARS) units will patrol national forests and wildlife sanctuaries

In a controversial move, Carolyn McCarthy (D-N.Y.) has added an amendment to the bill that would place Israeli-manufactured robotic machine guns like the ones used along the Gaza Strip in strategic locations in national forests and in areas where wildlife is threatened. The amendment would also provide money for MAARS systems to patrol wildlife sanctuaries. Both systems would be fully armed and set up to return the fire of any hunters in the area.

“These guys are always yapping about how they love a challenge, so let’s see how many of them will go out on a weekend hunt when there’s a possibility that something is going to shoot back at them,” said McCarthy, in an interview with Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who has already had one minor stroke over the bill.

The bill will no doubt face rabid opposition from the NRA and various right wingers, but then again any attempt to do anything at all about the senseless slaughter of humans and animals alike in this country has met the same oppugnancy.

“We are the only country on earth that suffers these mass shootings on a regular basis, and there is a growing consensus out there that something has to be done,” said McCarthy. “This bill will be a good start. We’ll be helping out both needy men and innocent animals.”

No word yet on when the bill will actually be introduced.