Tag Archives: hamas

Hamas Leadership Approves Plan To Strap Infants To Outgoing Rockets

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – At a press conference today held at the Yasser Arafat High School and Rocket Storage Facility in Gaza City, commander of the “moderate” wing of Hamas’ military forces Abdul Mohommed Buttplug Skyhook announced that his forces will go ahead with a plan to strap infants, toddlers, women, elderly Alzheimer’s patients, and other non-combatants to outgoing rockets bound for Israel.

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Kids from the Yasser Arafat School for Ignorant and Disillusioned Youth take a break from classes to display advanced level firing positions for the double-jointed

“We are suffering from a decline in numbers of Palestinian civilians volunteering to be human shields,” said Skyhook. “We feel that this step is necessary in order to show our resolve during this crisis.”

The latest flare-up in the continuing dispute between Israel and Hamas has claimed almost 1500 Palestinian lives, many of them women, children, and other non-combatants. The current conflict heated up after Israel finally had enough of daily rocket fire emanating from the Strip.

“There is only so much a people can tolerate without taking action,” said a spokesman for the IDF. “If some idiot were lobbing Molotov cocktails at your house every day would you sit there on your ass and do nothing?”

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In addition to his duties as military commander, Skyhook is a regular on Al Jazeera’s hit television show “Real Dumbasses of the Gaza Strip”

The most recent cease-fire agreement broke down today when the Hamas brain trust decided to kill two IDF soldiers and kidnap a third, resulting in heavy shelling of Rafah by Israeli forces and a renewed aggressive ground attack.

“We have to prove just how vicious and inhuman these Jews are,” said Skyhook. “We think that strapping our own children to our rockets so their dead bodies will be seen inside Israel will help us with our public relations effort around the world. The truth about these power-mad Zionists just has to be told.”

Skyhook achieved his high current position in the military wing of Hamas by blowing up several children’s holiday camps in Tel Aviv and murdering two of his own brothers who were ahead of him in the line of succession.

Hamas Leadership Rejects Cease Fire In Favor Of A Thorough Ass-Whipping By The IDF

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GAZA CITY (CT&P) -In response to renewed rocket attacks and an attempt by 13 heavily armed Hamas dim wits to infiltrate Israel via tunnels under the border, Israel has launched a ground offensive into Gaza. IDF tanks and armored personnel carriers supported by infantry units crossed the border yesterday and immediately began to kick some serious Hamas ass.

Speaking to reporters from a well-appointed luxury bunker deep beneath the Gaza City Misguided Martyr Middle School and Rocket Depot, Deputy Chairman Abu Marzook, of Hamas’ political bureau, told reporters that “We are not willing to stop our rocket attacks anytime soon. So far only civilians have been killed in Gaza, and we have plenty of them to spare.”

Explosions lit up the sky in the early hours of Friday and residents in several areas of the densely populated strip of 1.8 million Palestinians said they saw numbers of Israeli tanks that had crossed the border from Israel.

A statement from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s office late on Thursday said he had given orders to destroy tunnels that militants use to infiltrate Israel and carry out attacks.

An Israeli military spokesman said Israel was not out to try to topple Hamas.

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Hamas spokesman Sami “The Baby Crusher” Zuhri spoke with reporters from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty

“Our goal is not a new, more insane Palestinian leadership,” said the spokesman. “We just want to make one thing clear to these dullards: If you know what’s good for you, don’t fuck with Bibi.”

 

Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri, speaking from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty and Nerve Gas Production, responded with defiance to Israel’s invasion announcement, telling Reuters: “We warn Netanyahu of the dreadful consequences of such a foolish act. We will turn Israel into a wasteland with our endless supply of deadly rockets. Granted, they seem to be suffering from some kind of software glitch that has made 95% of them absolutely harmless, but we hope to clear up this problem sometime next week.”

Although a multitude of diplomats from all over the world are trying to broker some sort of cease-fire or truce in Cairo, there is little optimism for an early end to hostilities in the conflict.

“The Hamas leadership is just having too much fun launching all those rockets,” said Swiss official, on the condition of anonymity. “Zuhri told me that Hamas intends to keep firing rockets ‘until the camels come home.'”

A Hamas militant in charge of a rocket team told Reuters that “I haven’t had this much fun since Dad took us kids to Crazy Muhammad’s Fireworks and Explosive Vests in Rafah. This is great!”

Meanwhile, religious leaders around the world continued to offer up prayers for a swift and peaceful resolution to the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians.

“One thing that this conflict makes perfectly clear is that religion is our only hope of lasting peace on earth,” said Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, an organization that promotes fundamentalist Christian values.

“We just have to persevere and believe that this senseless slaughter is the will of our benevolent and omniscient Creator, and God’s plan will become evident in time,” said Fischer.

Bryan Fischer is not exactly renowned for ability to reason.

 

 

 

 

Religion Of Peace Continues To Blow Shit Out Of Israel With Rockets, Hamas Leaders Puzzled By IDF Response

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX MURPHY, N. C. (CT&P) — Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel said Friday that his forces were fighting Hamas with “increasing intensity” to quell its rocket barrages from Gaza, ignoring outside criticism and calls for restraint in the increasingly deadly Israeli aerial assaults. Even as he spoke, Palestinian militants fired salvos into central and southern Israel and said their arsenal had barely been dented.

Palestinian deaths from four days of Israeli aerial assaults surpassed 100, with hundreds wounded. As of Friday, no Israelis had been killed by Gaza rockets, although one caused the first serious instance of multiple injuries on the Israeli side since the hostilities intensified.

Israel has been criticized for the lopsided death toll in the conflict, as if she should somehow let the terrorist wackos catch up by letting her civilians be slaughtered in their beds.

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In an attempt to explain the terrorists’ poor aim, an IDF spokesman told our reporter that “the terrorist talks big, but frankly, we think he’s short of know-how. I mean, you just can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a rocket like some of our boys. And that’s not meant as an insult, we all know how much guts these folks have, judging by the intestines splattered everywhere after a suicide bombing.”

“It’s not our fault these idiots don’t know how to aim their rockets,” said Bibi. ““No international pressure will prevent us from operating with full force against a terrorist organization that calls for our destruction,” he said in remarks broadcast from a news conference at the Defense Ministry in Tel Aviv.

“Even those dim wits at the U.N. should be able to figure it out. The difference between us is simple,” Mr. Netanyahu said. “We develop defensive systems against missiles in order to protect our civilians and they use their civilians to protect their missiles.”

The Israeli military says it has struck more than 1,100 locations in Gaza such as rocket launchers, weapons stores and, more controversially, what it describes as command and control centers run by Hamas and Islamic Jihad operatives in private homes. Israel says it first advises the occupants to vacate, using telephone alerts and unarmed missiles that strike the premises in a warning of the destruction to come.

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Abu Marzook Skyhook spoke with reporters while safely ensconced in a bunker nine stories below Gaza City

For their part Hamas leaders told U.N. officials that they were “totally baffled and puzzled” by Israel’s response to the hail of rockets launched from Gaza since the current flare up of hostilities began.

“We were just celebrating our holy month in the usual fashion, by attempting to kill Jews in large numbers,” said Mousa Mohammed Abu Marzook Skyhook, deputy chairman of Hamas political bureau and CEO of Rockets Are Us in Rafah.

“I don’t understand why Bibi got so pissed off, and it really hurts my feelings that Israel is fighting back,” he said.

Skyhook told reporters that Hamas was ready to sacrifice “as many of its women and children as necessary to make its point. “We will make Israel a lake of fire in the ‘mother of all’ rocket attacks,” he said. However, Skyhook did not explain just what the fuck Hamas’ point is.

Skyhook spoke with U.N. officials and reporters during a gala swimsuit fashion show held in a reinforced bunker nine stories below the surface.