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Ann Coulter Vows To Feed At Least Twice In July

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LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – During an appearance on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher last night, conservative writer and ambulatory corpse Ann Coulter announced that on the advice of her physicians she would be consuming at least two meals during the month of July.

The announcement by Ms Coulter signals a radical departure from her normal diet, which consists of one feeding per month at most.

“My doctors told me that if I wanted to live and continue to spew the vile hatred that so many people on the right-wing have come to adore, I needed to up my calorie intake to at least that of a small child,” said Coulter.

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Ms Coulter appeared on Maher’s show to promote her new book, Why I Hate Poor People, and to show off photos from her upcoming spread in Playboy.

Ms Coulter’s long-time team of physicians, doctors Faustus, Mengele and Kevorkian from the international organization Doctors Without Morals, recommended the change during her check-up in early June.

“Eating is problematic for Ms Coulter for a variety of reasons,” said Dr. Anton Phibes, spokesman for the group.

“Ms Coulter must first envelope and suffocate her prey before she regurgitates a corrosive compound on the victim. Then she has to wait for up to 24 hours before the tissue breaks down and softens up enough for her to swallow the unrecognizable mass of protein. It’s a long process and she would much rather be spending her time making vicious attacks on the children of immigrants or poor people who don’t have health insurance.

“In the past Ms Coulter has come dangerously close to turning into some kind of mummified pupae of hatred. However, she’s assured us that she will make the recommended changes to her diet so she can continue to be the inhuman monster that so many conservatives worship.

Ms Coulter also told Maher that she was advised by her physicians that she should try to get laid every once in while because they felt it might help her improve her attitude and reduce the level of toxic bile residing in her dark soul.

 

Actor Ben Affleck To Undergo Surgery On Thursday

Posted in humor, politics, religion by
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A pensive Affleck reflects on what it must be like to be as intelligent as Sam Harris

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ben Affleck is scheduled to have major surgery on Thursday to have his head removed from his ass in what doctors are calling “a last-ditch effort” to save the actor’s credibility. Affleck’s affliction, Colonhead Syndrome, has been spreading rapidly throughout the liberal landscape and has perverted the normally progressive and enlightened thinking of its victims.

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Affleck’s condition is said to extremely grave. Doctors are hopeful that he can be cured, as he is normally a lucid defender of liberal ideals and values.

Other prominent personalities currently suffering from the syndrome include journalist Glenn Greenwald and scholar Reza Aslan, author of the book Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, an insightful work he completed before falling victim to the dread disease.

Symptoms of the syndrome include an inability to think clearly, failure to grasp nuanced arguments, and violent knee-jerk reactions when anyone criticizes any religion other than Christianity or Judaism. Irrational reactions have been observed to be particularly virulent when anyone dares to criticize Islam, with sufferers accusing the offending party of being a Neolithic Islamophobe, or a “genocidal fascist maniac.”

No one realized the extent of Affleck’s grave condition until his appearance on Bill Maher’s show Real Time last week. Affleck got into a heated debate with his host as well as Sam Harris, Maher’s featured guest, over the tenets of Islam and how the U.S. should deal with the murderous thugs from ISIS as well other bands of religious freaks who are bent on slaughtering all those who disagree with their interpretation of the Quran.

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Colonhead Syndrome is in the same family of afflictions as Horse’s Ass Disease, an ailment most commonly suffered by Fox News pundits.

Harris had little time to respond to Affleck’s ponderous criticisms because one symptom of Colonhead Syndrome is diarrhea of the mouth, which Affleck displayed during the entire show. Maher did his best to convince Affleck that Islam is as Harris put it, “the motherload of bad ideas” in the modern world, but he was having none of it, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Dr. John Bigboote and Dr. John Smallberries of Yoyodyne Laboratoris will lead the surgical team who will attempt to remove Affleck’s head from his colon on Thursday.

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Sadly, medical science has yet to come up with a treatment for many other diseases, such as the aptly named Dumb-As-A-Stump Disorder making the rounds on the far right.

“The team is hopeful that the surgery will be a success,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Greenwald and Aslan are clearly beyond all hope, but we think Affleck has a chance to lead a relatively normal life after we operate. We have had success in similar circumstances last year when we removed the entire upper torso from one climate change denier’s ass.”

“It would be a damn shame to lose Affleck, as he is normally so articulate and passionate when it comes to righteous causes,” continued Bigboote. “After all, to paraphrase Bill Maher, we are all liberals, and not a bunch of ignorant Tea Baggers. We should be able to debate the issues without resorting to their patented brand of intransigence and hysteria.”

The surgery is scheduled to take place at Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems’ headquarters in Grover’s Mill, N.J. at around 3 PM Eastern. It will be televised on MSNBC and the program will be hosted by Katie Couric, an expert on all things colon.