Tag Archives: humor

Dickerson Renews Vows To Self (Again)

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vows1

 

MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – In what has become somewhat of a Valentine’s Day tradition, 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson reaffirmed his vows to himself in a touching ceremony just off an old logging road near his cabin in rural Cherokee County.

Attending the ceremony were his dogs, two dozen chickens, several scorpions who interrupted their mid winter slumber for the event, and an incompetent survivalist asshole who happened to be wandering by.

Dickerson told the Murphy Plain Dealer that he usually tries to renew his vows at least once per year just to assure himself that no one else will ever get in the way of the deep and abiding love he feels for the person who is most important to him.

An Armenian military scout eats a live fish during a performance devoted to the celebration of the 20th anniversary of formation of the reconnaissance troops of the Armed Forces at Qanaqer military unit in Yerevan on November 10, 2012. AFP PHOTO / KAREN MINASYANKAREN MINASYAN/AFP/Getty Images

Ducktown resident Gilbert McScrotum, an unemployed fry cook and amateur survivalist, happened upon the ceremony and congratulated Dickerson on his successful long term relationship, something that has always eluded McScrotum despite having fathered 11 children.

“There’s really no one else who even comes close,” said Dickerson.

“I came to the conclusion years ago that I made myself happier than anyone else ever could. I try my best to think of myself first in any and all situations, and I try not to deny myself anything.

“I just don’t see anyone ever breaking us up.”

Jerry’s mother Charlene and sister Kathy, reached by phone in Blue Mountain Beach, Florida, agreed.

“Jerry’s devotion to himself is really something to behold,” said Charlene. “He’s been that way ever since he was a little boy. He used to mug other kids on Easter so that he could hoard all the eggs and chocolate bunnies. It was really cute.”

“I’ve really never encountered anyone who loves himself more than Jerry does,” said Kathy. “He thinks very highly of just of about everything he does, says, or thinks, and you’re wasting your time trying to tell him any different.”

After the ceremony the guests were invited to a small get-together at Cabin Anthrax, where the dogs were treated to peanut butter flavored biscuits, the chickens a loaf of bread, and the scorpions a variety of live insects.

Since Dickerson eschews human contact at all costs since it tends to interfere with his narcissism, the starving survivalist was sent to a nearby pond where he devoured an unfortunate trout that swam too close to shore.

Dickerson told reporters that he intends to redouble his efforts to satisfy himself in every way in the coming months, and looks forward to a happy and rewarding relationship with himself for many years to come.

 

12 Dead At RNC Headquarters Building After Rubio Fails Voight-Kampff Test

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Marco-Rubio2

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting at least 12 dead and 27 injured today inside the RNC Headquarters building in Washington, D.C. after presidential hopeful Marco Rubio went berserk during a Voight-Kampff test.

The test, which measures bodily functions such as respiration, heart rate, blushing and eye movement in response to emotionally provocative questions, was ordered by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus in an attempt to determine if Rubio was human or some form of advanced robot.

“After Marco’s performance in Saturday night’s debate, we felt we owed it to our voters to determine whether Marco was indeed a human being or some kind of malfunctioning replicant,” said Priebus. “I guess we got our answer.”

Rubio reportedly answered a series of questions about his part-time senate job successfully before the examiner moved on to questions about tortoises and Rubio’s supposed mother.

According to an eyewitness, when the examiner asked Rubio if his mother was a reptile with a protective shell, the candidate leaped over the table and snapped the examiner’s neck like it was a toothpick.

“Then he went on a rampage, overpowering security guards and slaughtering half the staff,” said the witness, on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it. He had this childlike grin on his face as crushed the skulls of our employees with his bare hands. He kept demanding to know when he was made, and when no one could answer, he just slaughtered them. It was horrific.”

According to Priebus, SWAT teams reportedly have Rubio cornered inside a janitor’s closet where he’s holding several volunteers and lobbyists hostage. A FBI hostage negotiator has been called in.

So far Rubio has refused to give up and keeps repeating the phrase “Obama knows what he’s doing” over and over again. An RNC insider is telling Reuters that assault teams will give the negotiator a few hours to reason with Rubio before they move in.

“We hope we can resolve this without further loss of life, but if push comes to shove we’ll blow that closet all to hell,” said Priebus. “We can’t have robots going berserk and killing our people willy-nilly. We don’t care so much about the volunteers, but lobbyists are another thing entirely.”

 

Area Man Takes First Shower In Over A Week; Pets Grateful

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Jerry666

 

MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson took his first shower in over a week today, sources say. The reclusive oddball was said to have been as ripe as garbage dump when he finally broke down and cleaned himself up early this morning.

Banjo3 (2)

Banjo was so revolted by Dickerson’s stench that he ran him off the sofa and into the master bedroom

The unfortunate Dickerson reportedly had been suffering for days from food poisoning contracted at a Turtletown drive-thru.

His pets and only neighbor within a mile of his cabin were among those grateful for his decision to pay a little attention to his personal hygiene.

“I’m eighteen years old and I used to consume decaying raccoon carcasses on a regular basis, and I can honestly say I’ve never smelled anything so foul,” said Banjo, Dickerson’s world champion Treeing Feist.

Auda, Dickerson’s Black Giant rooster, said, “Listen, we poultry eat and poop in the same place and I have to tell you that we wanted him nowhere near our coop. He was downright rancid!”

“I’m somewhat of an expert on excavating odoriferous crawlspaces full of all sorts of indescribable filth, and I can tell you, that dude was rank,” said Millie, an English Cream Golden Retriever.

Dozer, Dickerson’s Pit-bull/Husky mix, told the Ducktown Plain Dealer that his owner smelled so bad that he refused to bite him.

Neighbor Roger Wills said, “I felt sorry for the bastard because he felt so bad so I went and got him some Gatorade from the store down the street. But let me tell you, the fumes coming from inside that cabin were so bad I had to leave it on the doorstep. No way I was walking into that hell on earth.”

When asked if her owner didn’t have a legitimate excuse for being so malodorous having contracted such a dread disease, Millie told reporters, “Sure, but that doesn’t explain last month.”

 

Rubio Pulls An Ohio State; Claims Victory After Finishing Third

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rubioiowa

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – In a scene that no doubt reminded Alabama and Clemson supporters of petulant Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about their wonderful 2015 season, Marco Rubio climbed the podium Monday night to declare victory in the Iowa caucuses, a contest in which he finished third behind Antichrist Ted Cruz and up-and-coming fascist Donald Trump.

“For months, they said we had no chance,” said the part-time senator from Florida. “They told me I had no chance because my hair wasn’t gray enough and my jackboots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line, that I needed to be proven against tougher competition. But tonight here in Iowa the people of this great state have sent a very clear message, that we are the national champions!”

Despite being defeated by real men when push came to shove, Rubio droned on for hours about how he had defeated cupcake establishment rivals in a long and glorious season during the campaign in Iowa.

“This victory is unprecedented in the annals of politics, and will go down as one of the greatest comebacks in coaching history!”

On Tuesday morning political pundits wondered aloud just what type of drugs Rubio has been ingesting, but speculated that they are the same type readily available throughout the State of Ohio.

Rubio faces an uphill challenge in his next gridiron battle, taking place in a matter of days in New Hampshire, where the Coaches Poll has him a distant second behind Trump, 36 to 15. But hope springs eternal, and Rubio has confidence that his newly hired offensive speech coordinator will help pull him through.

“Our win in Iowa will give us the momentum we need to pull off this thing in the 4th quarter,” said a thirsty Rubio. “We’re going all the way to number one!”

Rubio is scheduled to meet with Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer on Friday to get some tips on how to spin a second defeat in a row just in case things don’t go according to plan.

 

 

Children Of The Corn Choose Son Of Satan

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SATAN_CRUZ

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Senator and Antichrist Ted Cruz, powered by a surge of support from fanatical evangelical Christians, dealt a humbling loss to Donald J. Trump in the Iowa caucuses on Monday, throwing into question the depth of support for Mr. Trump’s unconventional candidacy.

In the first contest of what so far has been more a populist revolt against the political order than a traditional Republican primary, part-time Senator Marco Rubio of Florida finished a strong third, bolstering his case to consolidate the support of Republicans uneasy about the two top finishers and so desperate that they will back a man-child with the mind of a teenager instead of face the reality of a Trump or Cruz candidacy.

Mr. Cruz had nearly 28 percent of the vote, Mr. Trump 24 percent and Mr. Rubio 23 percent.

Children-of-the-corn-1984-movie-4

Christian organizations all across Iowa celebrated the Cruz victory by crucifying gay couples in remote cornfields and sending their adopted children to Jesus, Inc. reeducation camps run by Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-A

“To God be the glory,” Mr. Cruz told jubilant supporters. “Tonight is a victory for religious kooks all across this great nation. Tonight is a victory for both naive fools that actually believe what I’m saying, and brain-dead Tea Party hayseed twits all across Iowa.”

Chairman Necromancer McSnead of the popular Iowa Christians for a Violent Overthrow of the Federal Government, a splinter group of the American Taliban Association, wholeheartedly agreed.

“When Ted gains power we can go back to executing gays, negroes, and poor people in the village square just like in the good old days of the Middle Ages,” McSnead told Katy Tur of MSNBC. “That’s what Jesus would want.

“We understand that Ted has to bide his time and actually pretend to be reasonable while running his campaign, but we all look forward to him seizing power and turning the federal government into an oppressive theocracy that smothers all progressive ideas and jails all dissenters. Anyone with any sense knows that’s how the ultra right-wing Christian founders wanted it to be, and if we have to make a pact with the Son of Satan to achieve it, then so be it. We just can’t wait to live in the Saudi Arabia of the West!”

Meanwhile, almost every decent human being in the United States and around the world hopes that Cruz will fall flat on his ass in New Hampshire and Trump or Rubio will come out the victor.

Even elected Republican officeholders are lining up against Cruz.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told Fox News that he would rather see “a diseased goat” as president rather than Cruz. “Ted Cruz redefines what it means to be an asshole. He’s a walking, talking hemorrhoid. He can’t assume room temperature soon in enough if you ask me.”

With the New Hampshire primary only days away, we won’t have long to wait to see who comes out on top, the fascist, the  man-child, or the Antichrist himself.

 

 

Jesus Really Pissed Off With Comparison To Pandering Politician Who Can’t Manage His Money; Vows To Lay Waste To Iowa

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jesusshotgun

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a brief, hastily called news conference outside Ames, Jesus of Nazareth expressed his extreme displeasure with Iowans who believe that Marco Rubio is the Second Coming of the popular religious figure.

“That man-child from Cretinville couldn’t manage a rest area on the interstate, much less a universe,” said an angry Prince of Peace. “He may have pulled the wool over the eyes of a bunch of ethanol-crazed hayseeds, but as we move on to other states, that kind of shit just won’t fly.”

Rubio, a part-time senator from Florida and candidate for the GOP presidential nomination, has been called many things in the course of his ascendance from state senator to potential loser to Hillary Clinton: youthful, energetic, a lawn sprinkler, “his party’s best hope,” and the “dud” from the old board game Mystery Date.

Time magazine even called him “The Republican Savior,” as Fox News’s Bret Baier reminded him during Thursday night’s G.O.P. debate, during part of a pointed question about his fall from polling grace. But make no mistake: the presumptive front-runner-in-waiting does not think he’s Jesus.

Rubio, who appeared at the debate with a cross strapped to his back and wearing a crown of thorns, said that he did not want to give the impression that he thinks he is a savior, lord, redeemer, or anything of the sort.

“It’s close, but I’m not the Lamb of God,” said the famously modest Rubio, as sweat poured from his forehead. “I’m just a normal guy with the ambition of a rabid honey badger and the intelligence of a bivalve. Believe you me, if I was Jesus, I’d turn this water I’m chugging into Gatorade,” chuckled the perpetually dehydrated charlatan.

Jesus has apparently not been too pleased with the comparisons and promised that Rubio would wish he had never been born by the time he was finished with him.

“I don’t know who he thinks he’s messing with, but he won’t be smiling when he finds himself standing next to Fred Phelps while getting a pineapple shoved up his ass every ten minutes,” said the visibly irritated King of Kings.

“As for the residents of Iowa, they better get their asses down to Ken Ham’s insane asylum down in Petersburg, Kentucky, and board that lifeboat he’s building to scam money from all those gullible religious kooks. I plan on kicking off the festivities with a tsunami that’ll make the one in Japan look like a kiddie pool. Then it’s gonna be fire and brimstone time. It’s not smart to screw around with the Son of Man.”

Monsanto Finalizes Plans To Destroy All Life On Earth

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monsanto-hero

 

ST LOUIS – (CT&P) – Monsanto Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant announced at a press conference this morning that the company’s long-awaited master plan to annihilate all life on earth had been finalized.

The company hopes to use a combination of carcinogenic weed killers, toxic fertilizers, and genetically altered plants and animals to wipe out all life on the planet.

“I know it’s been a long time coming, but we’re finally on the verge of killing every living thing on this miserable rock,” said Grant, as blood from an early morning feeding dripped off his chin. “We’ve already done one hell of a job on the bees, bats, and amphibians. Now we’re going to go after the base of the food chain and then graduate to larger reptiles and mammals.

“We’ve also been rapidly buying up every heritage seed company we can get our hands on so desperate survivors of the initial cataclysm won’t be able to grow their own food,” said a chuckling Grant.

When asked just when he thought Monsanto would accomplish its goal of worldwide apocalypse, Grant said that it should only take about three generations.

“Originally we planned on 200 years,” said Grant. “But our partnering with Koch Industries has changed all that. With the help of the Koch brothers poisoning the groundwater through fracking, and accelerated global warming from our dear friends in the oil industry, we think we can wipe out millions of years of evolution in no time flat.”

One reporter asked Grant if he didn’t think that environmentalists might object to large corporations laying waste to the entire planet and push for tighter regulations in congress.

“What, are you an idiot? Between us and the Kochs we own almost every politician now serving in office. We hope we can get a Republican in the presidency this time around so we can really get to work decimating what’s left of our water, air, and wildlife so we can come in under budget and right on time!”

When asked why Monsanto and Koch would want to make the earth a sterile rock incapable of supporting life of any kind, Grant said “For the money you moron! I won’t be around when all the shit hits the fan, so who the fuck cares?”

 

 

ARMY OF THE TWELVE CRETINS

Posted in politics by

gopdebate

 

NOT YOUR USUAL HORROR FILM

BANNED IN ALL OTHER WESTERN DEMOCRACIES

SEE: THE FACES OF MODERN FASCISM!

SEE: CANDIDATES WITH A TOTAL LACK OF EMPATHY!

SEE: THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF RIGHT WING BLOOD LUST!

SEE: THE LIVING DEAD TRY TO DRAG US BACK TO THE MIDDLE AGES!

SEE: BRAIN DAMAGED CANDIDATES TRY DESPERATELY TO MAKE SENSE!

SEE: RELIGIOUS KOOKS ATTEMPT TO QUENCH THEIR INSATIABLE THIRST FOR A THEOCRACY!

STARRING: THE PUTRID REMAINS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

Jeffrey Schlongstein of the Washington Post writes: “This is one movie you don’t dare miss. Our very way of life may depend on it.”

NOW SHOWING IN IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE

SOON TO COME TO A PODIUM NEAR YOU

RATED R FOR RACISM

Dickerson Loses It After Three Days Without Satellite Dish

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jerryshocked

 

MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Lee Dickerson was found wandering the woods along the Tennessee state line late last night suffering from exposure and dehydration, according to authorities from the North Carolina Wildlife Commission.

Wildlife Resource Officer John Small Berries found the man around 11 P.M wearing nothing but a tie-dyed Speedo with the words “Chavez-Dingo” sewn across the posterior area.

“I’ve been working this job for twenty years and it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said Small Berries.

“The dude was running around howling like some kind of animal and mumbling something about Barcelona and the Messiah. He was totally incoherent. At first I thought he was speaking in tongues.”

With the help of Dickerson’s neighbor Roger Wills, authorities were able to patch together what most likely led to the wilderness rampage.

It seems that Dickerson lost his Dish service sometime late Sunday during the playoff games. Officials believe it had something to do with the ice and snow that hit the area over the weekend. Dickerson’s problems apparently began when he was told it would be Thursday before a technician could be scheduled to come repair the damage because of his remote location and the Dish employees that had disappeared in the area in recent years.

“He just became more and more agitated as the days went by,” said Wills. “I know for a fact that he hasn’t gone more than four hours without watching a soccer match over the last two years. He’s kinda of a kook if you ask me. I always thought he was a weird son of a bitch, but have to admit I never expected this kind of breakdown just because he couldn’t watch the Premier League.”

Dickerson was checked into the Cherokee County Mental Health Unit in Murphy to undergo a battery of tests to ensure that he poses no threat to the public or wildlife in his area. He is expected to be released sometime Thursday afternoon in time to meet the Dish repairman who will be escorted to the site by a Cherokee County deputy sheriff.

Weather Channel Warns Viewers Not To Loiter In Front Of Snow Plows Like Some Idiot

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snowplow

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising those viewers who have poorly functioning frontal lobes due to head injuries, strokes, or frequent trips to Flint, Michigan, that they should avoid wandering aimlessly in the streets in front of active snow plows, particularly in blizzard conditions when the driver can barely see where the fuck he’s going.

Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion made it clear that although it’s fun to play in the snow and enjoy the unusual conditions, one should try to stay alive while doing it.

“Just because there are no cars on the roads doesn’t mean that your life is not in danger when you walk around in the snow-covered streets,” said Champion. “Snow plows are large, heavy vehicles often piloted by underpaid employees whose only qualifications for the job are the fact that they are breathing and have a valid driver’s license.

“Many drivers take advantage of the conditions to get drunk or high before plowing the streets and are totally unaware  of what is going on around them, and during a blizzard they may not even see your sorry ass. So if you are going to go risk going outside in these deadly conditions, then don’t walk around or lie down in the street.”

Champion also suggested that anyone going outside their home when one inch or more of snow was on the ground should wear a goose down mountaineering suit, huge, unwieldy boots with crampons, full body armor, a football helmet, and carry supplemental oxygen in a massive tank on their back. He also said that for even a short journey out-of-doors, you should carry enough food and water to last a week in case you’re trapped in a snowdrift or engulfed by an avalanche pouring off your neighbor’s roof.

“You just never can be too careful, and we at the Weather Channel want everyone to stay safe while we celebrate the number of road closures, premature deaths due to exposure and car accidents, and the billions of dollars lost to the economy by Winter Storm Jonas,” concluded a breathless Champion.