Tag Archives: humor

METEOROLIGISTS GONE WILD: Weather Channel Takes Delivery On 55 Gallon Drum Of Astroglide

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astroglide4

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that a 55 gallon drum of Astroglide has been delivered to the Weather Channel headquarters building in Atlanta in preparation for the annual Weather Channel Winter Storm Orgy that occurs during the first major frozen precipitation event of the season.

Wolf Blitzer told viewers today that unnamed sources within the Weather Channel “family” had phoned him and said that this year’s party celebrating the widespread panic and destruction caused by Winter Storm Jonas promised to “blow all the past orgies away.”

The sexual marathon is infamous in Atlanta and has been responsible for multiple unplanned pregnancies and vicious divorce proceedings in the past.

“I can’t begin to count the number of kids that have been conceived during this annual no-holes-barred (literally) sexual romp,” said Blitzer. “They get so excited and out of control over there that Coke bottles aren’t safe.”

“This year the office manager has apparently gone hog-wild and ordered enough lubricant for a herd of elephants,” said a visibly aroused Blitzer.

“They also bought out the entire stock from Tower liquor store on Piedmont and Green’s over on Buford Highway. There are rumors that Inserection and the Love Shack made deliveries early this afternoon. It’s meteorologists gone wild!”

The introduction of erectile dysfunction drugs a few years back turned the party from a one night fling into a test of endurance for the participants. In recent years the drug and alcohol fueled moral abomination has lasted anywhere from 24-48 hours, depending on the length of the blizzard and the number of road closures and casualties.

However, with the epic snowstorm now brewing in D.C. and along the Eastern Seaboard, no one has any idea how long this one will last. A memo from Weather Channel management obtained by Blitzer stressed the need for all employees to remain properly hydrated for the duration, but as a precaution emergency medical personnel from nearby hospitals have been put on alert.

Blitzer closed the segment by wishing all the Weather Channel employees “the very best of luck,” but lamented that this marks the fifth year in row he was not invited to the event.

 

 

Weather Channel Advises Elderly In Path Of Storm To Commit Suicide Now

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frozendead

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising all elderly or weak individuals in the path of Winter Storm Jonas to go ahead and commit suicide before the storm hits.

Weather Channel stalwart Jim Cantore, reporting from the nation’s capital, told viewers today that suicide would be preferable to a slow, agonizing death at the hands of the blizzard.

“If you are elderly, weak, or disabled, and unable to flee the path of the storm, it would be much better for you to go ahead and end it all now while you still have power,” said Cantore, after shooting up half a gram of methamphetamine.

“You certainly don’t want to slowly freeze to death in your home surrounded by cats, who are sure to devour your bloated corpse in the days to come. In fact, I advise even young adults who are depressed or have bleak economic futures to do the same. Remember, no one will be coming to check on you because you have no friends and you alienated your family a long time ago. Just get it over with, for God’s sake.”

David Clark, president of the Weather Channel, was quick to point out that although Cantore’s recommendations had merit, they represented his opinions alone and were not those of Weather Channel management.

 

 

Ted Cruz Picks Up Key Endorsement

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satan44

 

THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz picked up a key endorsement today from Satan, the Prince of Darkness and Spirit of Evil. The surprise endorsement came during a hastily called press conference early this morning along the banks of the River Styx, on the outskirts of Hades.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told assembled journalists that Lucifer, who has long been expected to endorse current GOP front runner Donald Trump, changed his mind and will be backing Cruz throughout the primaries.

“His Majesty the King of Hell feels that Senator Cruz embodies the all the qualities we hold dear here in the Abyss of Eternal Suffering,” said Balthazar. “It was a close call, because so many of the Republican candidates are truly horrible human beings, but Ted shined in the key ‘hypocrite’ category, and that won him the endorsement in the end.”

“Mephistopheles believes that when it comes down to it, none of the GOP candidates can match Ted for his ability to mask his dark soul and evil intentions while claiming to be a Christian. He’s truly an abominable human being, and we feel he has the best chance to usher in a period of hell on earth that will pave the way for El Diablo’s reign on your miserable planet.”

The endorsement came as a complete surprise to Donald Trump, who was counting on the endorsement after exhibiting all the characteristics of a racist, misogynistic, homophobic fascist on the campaign trail.

Trump told Wolf Blitzer that he was really counting on a “Beelzebub Bump” in the polls.

“Instead I’m stuck with this fucking idiot Sarah Palin,” said a despondent Trump. “I’m going to have to come up with a new plan.”

 

Weather Channel Warns That Icy Roads Can Be Hazardous

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is warning its viewers in Tennessee and North Carolina that when ice forms on roads, cars tend slide out of control, which can cause wrecks.

Winter Storm Ilias, which has caused raised blood pressure, racing heartbeats, and raging hornyness among Weather Channel personnel, is currently moving across Tennessee and western North Carolina causing hazardous driving conditions in higher elevations.

Since no one in Tennessee or North Carolina has ever seen snow or ice before, the helpful folks at the Weather Channel have mentioned about 500 fucking times this morning alone that when it’s cold, water falling from the sky turns to something else, and it can be damn dangerous.

“I don’t know what I’d do without the Weather Channel,” said Greta Hangnail of Ducktown, Tennessee. “I’ve seen pictures of all that ice and snow in my National Geographic, but I had no idea it could happen in the United States. I thought all that stuff was up in Canada.”

Jeffrey Scrotum of Mulebutt, North Carolina told a local TV reporter that he had heard from his grandpa that one time it snowed up in the Smoky Mountains but that was a long time ago.

“I don’t know nothing about no snow and ice,” said Scrotum. “You really think I can’t drive on it? Why would that be?”

The Weather Channel is advising that everyone in both states should go ape shit and go buy all the milk and bread in every fucking grocery store within 100 miles of their homes just in case the storm traps them in their miserable homes for more than three or four hours.

They also advise that no one should drive for at least three or four days after the storm is over because black ice could be lurking everywhere and cause massive casualties on a scale not seen since World War II.

“It’s always best to cower in fear and hunker down wherever you are once the storm hits,” said Bernie Shortschlong, a winter storm specialist. “From what I’m seeing on radar I think it’ll be safe for folks in the Deep South to return to work sometime next week.”

 

 

 

Obama Signs Executive Order Forcing Ohio State To Play Tougher Schedule

Posted in sports by

obamaangry

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama signed an executive order today that will force Ohio State to play a tougher schedule each year or be banned from whining like a bunch of pussies, according to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

At a press conference this afternoon Earnest told reporters that the entire country was “sick and fucking tired” of Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about how great they are and how they could have beaten Alabama or Clemson easily if only they had been in the college football playoff.

The order calls for Ohio State to play at least one game per year against a quality opponent from outside the Big Ten, preferably a team from the SEC or ACC. Cupcakes such as Wake Forest and Vanderbilt are excluded from the list of possible opponents. If Ohio State refuses to schedule a team that actually has quality players on it, there will be a gag order placed on all players and fans.

Any coach, player or fan who disregards the order and runs his or her fucking mouth will face heavy fines and possible jail time.

Ohio governor and presidential candidate John Kasich called the order just another example of Obama run amok issuing edicts like a despot.

“Obama is a tyrant, that much is clear,” said Kasich.

However, the order has been greeted with approval from nearly every corner of the country excluding the State of Ohio. Even fellow GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas, praised the action.

“I can’t tell you how sick we are of that idiot Urban Meyer and those Buckeye bumpkins going on and on about how great they are,” said Huckabee. “I used to think that Obama was the Antichrist, but in his last year in office he seems to have found the Lord. It’s a great day. SEC! SEC! SEC!”

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Announces Plans To Carpet Bomb Flint

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snyder

 

LANSING – (CT&P) – Michigan Governor Rick Snyder (R) announced today that he is ordering the Michigan Air National Guard to carpet bomb Flint “until the entire fucking city is flattened.”

A spokesman for the governor told CNN that Snyder was “sick and fucking tired” of Flint residents bellyaching about lead in their water, the outbreak of Legionaires’ disease ravaging the city, and the guillotining of citizens who commit misdemeanors within the city limits.

“If these people don’t like the way Governor Snyder is running things in Flint, then they can just die along with all the rest of his Democrat opponents,” said Maximilien Robespierre, Snyder’s chief of staff.

“All these folks do is whine about representative government and clean drinking water,” said Robespierre, as wiped blood from corner of his mouth. “They should be glad they live in a state that’s run by a right-wing Christian governor like Rick. There’s plenty of places on earth where people are forced to drink their own urine because there’s no water at all. If you ask me the residents of Flint have it made.”

Snyder, considered by many to be the Antichrist, was once an up and coming star of the Republican Party until he began poisoning the children of Michigan with lead and other heavy metals.

“Poisoning kids is where we have to draw the line,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “I mean if they were all black or Hispanic that would one thing, but Snyder ruined the lives of a bunch of white kids as well, and we can’t abide that.”

According to the governor’s office the bombing is set to begin on Sunday morning in honor of Jesus, because Snyder claims to rule by divine right. As an act of kindness pamphlets warning of the city’s impending doom will be dropped on Flint Saturday along with canisters of mustard gas which is intended to drive as many residents out of the city as possible before the bombing begins.

“It should be quite a show,” said a gleeful Robespierre.

 

El Chapo Surrenders In Time For The Iowa Caucuses

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MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Mexican authorities are reporting that drug lord and escape artist extraordinaire “El Chapo” has turned himself in to police in order to move to the United States in time for a run for the GOP nomination.

President Enrique Pena Nieto announced the news via Twitter on Friday, six months after the kingpin brazenly broke out of a high security prison through a tunnel.

Guzman, the head of the infamous Sinaloa Cartel who Pena Nieto first caught in 2014, was taken into custody in the drug baron’s native state of Sinaloa, a government security source said.

“Mission accomplished: We have him,” Pena Nieto said on his Twitter account. “I want to inform all Mexicans that Joaquin Guzman Loera will soon be leaving Mexico and will become the Yankees’ problem.”

Once featured in the Forbes list of billionaires, Guzman is one of the world’s top crime bosses, whose Sinaloa Cartel has smuggled billions of dollars worth of cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines into the United States and fought vicious turf wars with other Mexican gangs.

Political pundits consider Guzman the only candidate who could match Donald Trump’s viciousness, bigotry, and deep pockets and give him a real run for his money for the GOP nomination.

“We really look forward to “El Chapo” joining the race,” said Reince Priebus, the once-powerful head of the RNC.

“Things were looking pretty grim for the GOP for a while, what with a bigoted casino owner and Satan incarnate the only serious contenders for the nomination. I think Guzman will provide a progressive alternative that establishment Republicans can rally around. The future is still bright for the party of Lincoln!”

Islamic Gunman Who Pledged Allegiance To Islamic State And Shot Cop In The Name Of Islam To Promote Islamic Sharia Has Nothing To Do With Islam, Says Fucking Idiot

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phillycop

 

PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Officials say the Muslim suspect in custody for the shooting that seriously injured a Philadelphia police officer has confessed to the crime, saying he did it ‘in the name of Islam,’ because police officers enforce laws that are contrary to his faith, which is of course fucking Islam.

Commissioner Richard Ross provided that update during a news conference on Friday afternoon. He said there was no indication from the suspect, 30-year-old Edward Archer of Yeadon, that he was involved in a conspiracy, other than the same one which drives Muslim fanatics to chop off heads, blow things up, and slaughter innocents around the world on a daily basis.

Archer had pledged his allegiance to ISIS, officials say, which is weird, since the shooting supposedly had nothing to do with Islam at all.  Ross called the shooting “just your run of the mill attempted assassination of a police officer.”

At the news conference, brain-damaged Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said the shooting had nothing to do with “being a Muslim or the Islamic faith.”

“Last night’s shooting had nothing to do with any faith,” said the mentally deficient mayor.

“It was a violent assault by a criminal who just happened to be Muslim, pledged allegiance to the Islamic State, is proud to be a jihadi, and wants to institute Sharia Law across the entire globe on penalty of death.

“I repeat, this has nothing to do with Islam. I urge all Philadelphians to stand together, preferably somewhere out of the line of fire.”

When reached for comment on the mayor’s statement noted atheist intellectual and critic of Islam Sam Harris remarked, “There’s just no cure for stupid.”

Ben Carson Hires Cadaver Dogs To Search For His Campaign

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Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Armstrong Williams, Ben Carson’s “business manager,” friend, and likely the only person on his campaign staff by the end of the week, told CNN today that the former neurosurgeon was bringing in cadaver dogs to search for his once relevant campaign.

“Dr. Carson is puzzled over what’s happened to his front-runner status,” said Williams. “Ben feels, as do I, that it’s time to take drastic action and pull out all the stops to try to figure out what went wrong and regain momentum.”

The dogs are being recruited from a variety of law enforcement entities across the United States and specialize in detecting dumb ideas, archaic ideals, religious bullshit, and utter lunacy.

Williams said that with any luck the canines will be able to track down the campaign and restore its former luster.

“We think the campaign, and Dr. Carson’s reputation, may be hiding somewhere between Joseph’s Discount Grain Pyramid and a Popeye’s chicken organization somewhere in downtown Baltimore. Wherever it is, we’ll be sure to find it!”

 

Families Of Oregon Militiamen Glad They Are Away From Home For A Few Days

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rednecks-with-guns

 

PORTLAND – (CT&P) – The families of the militiamen who have seized control of Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon are telling CNN that they are relieved to have them out of the house for a while.

When interviewed by Wolf Blitzer on his show, The Situation Room, the wives and children of the motley crew of misfits, conspiracy theorists, and Christian terrorists told Blitzer that they were glad that for at least the time being the miscreants were someone else’s problem.

The mentally deficient wingnuts, who have started calling themselves the Citizens for Constitutional Freedom, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean, have told anyone willing to listen that they are “in it for the long haul,” and “came well prepared.”

“I certainly hope the son of a bitch is in it for the long haul,” said Wanda Scrotum, wife of Corporal Rodent Scrotum of the Dysentery Springs Chapter of the Texas Minuteman Militia. “All he does all day is watch Fox News and throw beer cans at the TV when Obama is on. He’s worthless. The only time he ever perks up is when his government check is due in the mail.”

Bertha Bundy, wife of ringleader Ammon Bundy, said, “Ammon has a lot of big guns and a very small penis. Do you know what it’s like to be married to a microdick? I shouldn’t have waited til we got married. It was the worst mistake of my miserable life. I hope he freezes to death in that hell hole.”

The militiamen have made only vague claims about what they are trying to achieve by the occupation, and as of yet the federal government has taken no action to force them out.

FBI Director James Comey told the Washington Post that although he was being encouraged by the families of the men to napalm the building and “do the world a favor,” he didn’t want another Waco on his hands.

“These idiots either grew up under power lines or have a great deal of lead paint in their diet,” said Comey.

“You don’t put a dog down merely because it’s a dumb ass. I think we’ll just cut off the water and electricity to the building and see how long the tough guys want to stay there without any Budweiser.

“I’m sure once they figure out that no one really gives a shit about their insane ideas they’ll surrender peacefully.”