Tag Archives: humor

Obama Vows To Increase War On ISIS To Three-Quarters Ass Level

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Obama-Angry

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a briefing early this morning White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that President Obama was bowing to pressure from French President Francois Hollande by ramping up our efforts to destroy ISIS to the dreaded three-quarters ass level.

“The President has decided that we’ve been fucking around at the half-ass level long enough, and it’s time to really get tough with these bastards,” said Earnest.

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Putin did not appear impressed with President Obama’s promises to “get tough” on ISIS. The Russian president made his remarks while personally patrolling the borders of Chechnya looking for terrorists to torture.

Mr. Earnest said that the new level of engagement consisted of doing the same fucking thing we’ve been doing for over a year, just more of it.

“We’re really going to let them have it now,” he said.

Mr. Obama will be meeting with President Hollande at the White House next week where he will explain how his strategy of bombing empty buildings and ancient oil transport trucks is a sure-fire way to demoralize and destroy the 7th Century savages we’re up against.

When reached for comment on the new American war plan, Vladimir Putin merely chuckled and said, “Whatever.”

 

 

Carson Slips Into Coma During Fox News Interview

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bencarson

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, lunatic, and leading GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson lost consciousness and slipped into a coma during an interview yesterday with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday.

While attempting to answer a grueling series of “gotcha” questions like “Where do you live?” “What form of government do we have in the United States?” and “Why did Satan make fossils?” Carson began blinking furiously, waving his arms, and whispering incoherently about frontal lobes, Arab states, and grain silos.  Within moments he appeared to faint and his head lolled to one side of his body.

Aides to Dr. Carson rushed into the studio and he was whisked away to an undisclosed location.

The Carson campaign later issued a press release stating that Dr. Carson was unresponsive but breathing normally in a nearby hotel room.

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Dr. Carson lost his Maryland driver’s license years ago when he lost consciousness in a Popeye’s “organization” drive-thru and caused a three car pile up.

A spokesman for the campaign emphasized that the incident was nothing to worry about.

“It’s nothing out of the ordinary,” said the spokesman. “It’s occurred several times already this week, and Dr. Carson will be back selling books “before you know it.”

A volunteer for the campaign backed up the spokesman, telling CNN that Carson has been losing consciousness regularly during campaign stops in Iowa, but no one has noticed.

“Most folks have no idea what the fuck Ben is saying most of the time anyway. He appears to be on Thorazine or Xanax all the time, and he rarely makes any sense at all. The only way we can really tell if he’s lost consciousness is if we suddenly stop hearing batshit crazy ideas come out of his mouth,” said the volunteer.

“In the end it makes no difference with his core supporters as long as he continues to love Jesus and hate the poor.”

Dr. Carson is expected to make a complete recovery and continue saying crazy things as he roams the country selling books in the coming weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Carson To Operate On Himself

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – In what experts are calling a ground-breaking new surgical technique, Dr. Ben Carson will perform surgery on his own brain late next month, before the primary season begins.

An aide to the GOP frontrunner told Fox News this morning that the retired neurosurgeon and acclaimed Egyptologist will be operating on parts of his prefrontal cortex and temporal lobes in an attempt to recover memories of key events in his youth.

“Dr. Carson has led the way in experimental brain surgery throughout his career,” said the aide. “If successful, this surgery should allow him to remember the names and dates of every assault and attempted murder he committed while he was growing up. It should also allow Dr. Carson to remember just who it was that offered him a full scholarship to West Point.”

According to the aide, the delicate procedure will be carried out in a room filled with smoke and mirrors, much like his campaign for president.

Although the operation has never attempted before, Carson believes that if successful, it could provide hope for other adults who are unable to remember everyone they attacked and/or murdered in their youth.

The aide said that Carson also hopes that the surgery will boost his IQ, thus allowing him to understand complicated subjects such as civics, history, science, and the concept of vetting political candidates.

Obama Destroys Country…Again

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Obama-Angry

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama destroyed the country again today by rejecting the Keystone Pipeline, a project that has been compared to some of the great engineering projects ever undertaken by human beings.

The President cited concerns regarding the climate as the reason he decided to kill the project and destroy what was left of the United States.

“America’s now a global leader when it comes to taking serious action to fight climate change,” Obama told reporters, standing in the Roosevelt Room beside Vice President Biden and Secretary of State John F. Kerry. “And frankly, approving this project would have undercut that global leadership. And that’s the biggest risk we face, not acting.”

He said now was the time to act to “protect the one planet we’ve got while we still can.”

While environmentalists and anyone possessed of any intelligence at all applauded the President’s decision, GOP politicians and presidential candidates criticized the move.

“The Keystone Pipeline would have made us energy independent for more than a week, and would have provided at least three dozen permanent jobs for Americans who are suffering because of the flood of illegal Central American children stealing their income and spreading disease across our country,” said the borderline insane Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR).

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Dr. Ben Carson told CNN that there was a silver lining to Obama’s decision, because it would hasten the arrival of the End Times and the fiery destruction of the earth.

“This is another victory for the international conspiracy of climate change scientists who are bent on worldwide Marxist revolution,” said Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), who’s been fighting Alzheimer’s disease for over five years now.

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump told Fox News that he wasn’t worried about the decision, because the first day of his term he plans on building the “biggest, best, most beautiful pipeline ever made by man” to transport the dirtiest, filthiest, most environmentally destructive oil known to man down from Canada to the U.S. Gulf Coast.

Perhaps the most bizarre response to the President’s decision came from Dr. Ben Carson, currently in a dead heat with Trump for the Republican nomination.

Dr. Carson told CNN that he felt confident that although Obama, whom he referred to as the “Antichrist,” had rejected the pipeline and thus insured a second Great Depression, God would provide oil to America if he was elected.

“When I’m elected president I plan on building a series of giant pyramids across the country that can store oil that can be used in case of emergencies such as the Rapture or End Times,” whispered the unbalanced former neurosurgeon. “God takes care of those who take care of themselves.”

Obama’s rejection of the pipeline marks the fifth time this year he has destroyed the country. Experts state that in all he has destroyed the country at least 32 times since taking office.

God Crushes 12 Schoolgirls To Death Because He Is An All Loving Deity Who Works In Mysterious Ways

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godfoot

KABUL – (CT&P) -Twelve Afghan girls were crushed to death in a stampede of terrified pupils fleeing their school as a massive earthquake killed at least 300 people in Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan yesterday, Philip Sherwell, Asia Editor, Ali M Latifi in Kabul and Mohammad Zubair Khan in Islamabad report.

The death toll is expected to rise significantly as aid workers struggle to reach its epicenter in a remote region with poor communications in the Hindu Kush mountain range of north-eastern Afghanistan.

The tremor measured a 7.5 magnitude on the Richter scale, with its shock waves reaching as far away as the Indian capital New Delhi and unleashing panic in major Pakistani and Afghan cities.

The earthquake did, however, take place under a sparsely-populated region at an estimated depth of 130 miles, potentially limiting the number of casualties.

God offered no explanation for why he unleashed the killer quake and took the lives of hundreds of innocent people going about their daily routine. However, religious leaders in the United States postulate that he did it because the people who live in the region are filthy Muslims who don’t love Jesus.

Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club Show that God had his reasons for the mass slaughter, just like he has his reasons for letting three to five million children starve to death each year.

“We can’t be sure, but I’m betting that God is just fed up with a bunch of people who believe in the wrong holy book,” said Robertson, as his head lolled to one side and drool rolled down his chin.

“God works in mysterious and downright sadistic ways when it comes to those who don’t love Jesus. Just look at what he did to all those idol worshipers in Nepal and those voodoo freaks in Haiti. Those crazy Muslims better be glad all their daughters weren’t crushed to death or even drawn and quartered!

“No one likes to see innocent people turned into masses of protoplasmic jello, unless they’re gay of course, but it’s the price human beings have to pay when they don’t believe in the virgin birth or zombie Jesus.

“Like we always do here at the 700 Club we’re asking for donations to help the people of Afghanistan and Pakistan through this crisis. We plan on sending some barely functional highly indoctrinated white missionaries over there to tell these people just how fucked up their beliefs are. So, donate generously to our White Protestant Missionary Relief Fund so we can stop this from happening again.

Robertson guaranteed that at least 11% of all donations will go toward food and lodging for the dimwits slated to go to the region. The rest will be tied up in the purchase of racehorses and new timeshares for the 700 Club staff.

Weather Channel Warns Viewers That Heavy Rain Can Cause Flooding

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weatherchannel

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Anchors on The Weather Channel warned viewers in Texas and the southeast this morning that large quantities of water falling from the sky could possibly cause flooding.

Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion, anchor of the hit show America’s Morning Headquarters, a show that specializes in telling viewers what they already fucking know, told viewers that water, when coming down in fucking buckets from the leftovers of Hurricane Patricia, could conceivably cause problems for people in the path of the Biblical deluge.

“We like to err on the safe side and when possible induce as much panic as we possibly can,” said Champion, who, like the Weather Channel itself, is known for his brilliant grasp of the obvious.

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Champion told viewers not to panic just yet but building six-foot dikes around their homes might be wise. He reassured his audience that The Weather Channel’s experienced personnel would be standing around in the rain reporting the same thing for hours on end for the duration of the apocalypse.

“We’ve called all the governors of the southeastern United States and warned them that water was coming, and water can cause all kinds of problems. We also let them know that we will be monitoring the situation closely, and we’ve sent out scores of barely functional reporters dressed in Weather Channel rain coats and hats to stand around in puddles and let us know just how wet the water is.

“You just can’t be too careful with water,” continued Champion, “as everyone knows, an American drowns in a bathtub, spa, or hot tub every day in America. Water is dangerous as hell and we should all be terrified of it.”

Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana told the Times Picayune that he was grateful for the warning.

“I for one am grateful for the Weather Channel,” he said, “I never would have noticed that it’s raining cats and dogs outside if I hadn’t watched Sam’s show this morning. I make it a habit to tune in every morning so I know whether the sun is shining or not.”

 

Village Idiots Endorse Carson

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bencarsonlunatic

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson picked up an important endorsement yesterday from the International Brotherhood of Village Idiots and Miscreants Union after his prediction that Hillary Clinton would be behind bars for her role in the Benghazi fiasco.

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Dullard Gumby, president of the International Brotherhood of Village Idiots, told CNN that Carson was the most qualified candidate to lead America somewhere.

“We thought it was high time we supported one of our own in the 2016 presidential race,” said Dullard Gumby, president of the union. “We share many of Dr. Carson’s values and he exhibits many of the traits that make us idiots unique; he makes weird predictions that never come true, he mumbles incoherently when asked questions about complex problems, and he makes stuff up out of thin air.”

The endorsement is one of several Dr. Carson has picked up in recent weeks.

After Carson proclaimed that “the End Times were nigh,” during a speech at the Value Voters Summit last month, he received the official endorsement of the Insecure Religious Kooks Association.

Only last week Carson picked up the support of the High School Dropouts and River Widener’s Club for his inability to tell the difference between Iran and Iraq.

Perhaps the most perplexing of the endorsements came from the Taliban this summer.

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Carson supporters are known for their belief in imaginary friends and passionate support for irrational government policy.

Because of his insistence that America should become some kind of fascist theocracy along the lines of the current government in Iran, and his constant reminders to voters that God supports his candidacy, he became attractive to other groups that claimed divine inspiration.

“It’s not that important to us which religion he’s a member of” said Taliban field commander Mullah Muhammad Hasan Rehmani Skyhook, “just as long as he forces people to follow rules written by Iron Age cretins who didn’t know enough to wash their hands after defecating.”

Although the new endorsements will no doubt help Dr. Carson secure a win in Iowa, where dim-witted Republican voters share his weird outlook on world events, it is unclear whether they will help him win the GOP nomination.

“I have confidence in our voters,” said Reince Priebus, current chairman of the RNC. “There’s no way this dunce gets the nomination. Can you imagine Carson debating Clinton or Sanders? It would be a bloodbath.”

 

Jesus Distances Himself From Christian Right

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jesus riding dinosaur3.widea

ROME – (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly to speak with a group of American reporters following his usual brunch with Pope Francis on Sunday to emphasize that he no longer wished to be associated with the Christian Right.

The Son of God addressed the journalists from the back of his new Rapturesaurus, Steve.

“I know this gets tiresome guys, but from time to time I feel it necessary to remind you that just because a group of dimwits claim to be acting in my name, it doesn’t make it so,” said the Prince of Peace.

“It may seem obvious to you, having college educations and all, but when Dad and I say ‘Love thy neighbor,’ we don’t mean ‘love thy neighbor unless he’s black, Mexican, poor, or gay.

“Another thing that really bothers me is this group of idiots that thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. Nothing is more irritating than a group of simpletons who want to teach kids that evolutionary theory is inspired by Lucifer. I know the dude. He could not care less about evolutionary theory. He’s much more interested in things like greed, to name one example.

“Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t support any particular candidate for president, although I do like this Jewish dude named Bernie. He sorta reminds me of me when I was young and idealistic, before I had the chance to watch you cretins in action for 2000 years.

“You guys will have to excuse me now, I’m gonna take Steve on a couple of laps around Jerusalem. It seems that there are some Neanderthals with knives that need to be devoured. Later.”

Condemnation of Jesus’ statement was swift among conservative Christians organizations in the U.S., with most saying that Jesus did not know what the hell he was talking about.

Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association summed up their reaction best when he said, “If Jesus would just read the New Testament he’d find out that God hates immigrants, poor people, and above all fags!

“They’re all going to hell no matter what Jesus says!”

 

Ben Carson Takes Two Weeks Off To Come Up With More Crazy Ideas

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bencarsonlunatic

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican presidential contender Dr. Ben Carson has put his public campaign events on hold for two weeks to go on book tour for his new tome “A More Perfect Union” and to attend meetings and seminars with lunatics and simpletons around the country in order to come up with some more batshit crazy ideas to hawk to his uneducated supporters.

An aide to Dr. Carson told Fox News that Carson felt that he needed to take advantage of his rising poll numbers to rake in some cash off sales of his fantasy novel to gullible right-wing Christians who actually believe he has a grasp of history and how government works.

“Dr. Carson has also expressed a desire to move away from the same old crazy ass ideas he’s been spouting and come up with some fresh conspiracy theories and wacked-out revisionist history,” said the aide.

The Republican presidential candidate and brain damaged former neurosurgeon is scheduled to hold lucrative book signings next week in Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa, where he expects dolts, dullards, and twits to stream in from trailer parks and survivalist compounds to meet him and buy copies of his book.

The aide said that the week after next will be spent visiting some of the premier panic monkeys, hucksters, religious zealots, and conspiracy theorists around the country in order to glean new ideas that he can use on the campaign trail to convince his followers that America should be some sort of theocracy ruled by a Christian version of sharia law.

“Dr. Carson plans on attending a seminar on Iron Age dinosaur-aided construction techniques at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky on the 26th,” said the aide. “He plans on spending the rest of the day with Mr. Ham to bone up on Ken’s ideas regarding just how Noah loaded the dinosaurs on the Ark and what they ate during the voyage.

“After spending the night at Ham’s Lucky Trinity Hotel and Casino in Petersburg, Dr. Carson will spend the rest of the week meeting with famous wackos and imbeciles like Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Louie Gohmert, to name a few. Ben is particularly excited to be meeting with Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association to learn how homosexuality is ushering in the End Times, and David Daleiden, who promised to show him some uncut footage of Planned Parenthood chopping up infants and sewing them back together to create armies of infant atheists and Muslims.”

Carson’s whirlwind tour will end with a weekend spent with panic monkey, historical revisionist, and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Glenn Beck on his End Times ranch and bunker complex located at an undisclosed location in the desert.

“Dr. Carson wants to leave no stone unturned in his quest to get the most fucked up and batshit crazy advice and ideas he can use to shore up his base and attract new lunatics to his cause,” said the aide. “I think by the time he gets back on the campaign trail he’ll be so full of shit you’ll barely recognize him.”

Republicans Nominate Lamar Odom For Speaker Of The House

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lamarodom

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that Republicans have convinced former NBA player and current vegetable Lamar Odom’s legal guardian to allow him to join a crowded field of candidates for Speaker of the House.

Odom, the former basketball star and ex-husband of Khloé Kardashian, is currently comatose at a Las Vegas hospital today, two days after being found unconscious at a Nevada brothel where he had been “partying” since Saturday.

The owner of the Love Ranch, a legal house of prostitution, told NBC News that the 35-year-old athlete had been using a sex stimulant, but it was unclear if that played a role in the medical emergency.

“He was taking herbal Viagra and he was taking a lot of it,” said Dennis Hof, claiming that no illegal drugs were found other than possibly the mysterious white residue that covered every flat surface of the room and the eight grams of crack cocaine found in Odom’s bloodstream.

Former teammates of Odom — who won NBA championships with the Los Angeles Lakers in 2009 and 2010 — were pulling for him to recover.

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Jordan said that Carson’s recent comments convinced the Freedom Caucus that knowledge of history, science, or civics was not necessary for political success. “If an incoherent religious kook can garner this much support for the GOP presidential nomination, then a comatose speaker could be just the thing we need to push the entire country over the cliff,” said Jordan.

However, House Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (Neanderthal-OH) told CNN that he hopes Odom remains in his current condition so he can lead the GOP to victory by encouraging gridlock, government shutdowns, and credit defaults.

“Lamar is just what we need,” said Jordan.

“Everyone has seen how Ben Carson has risen in the polls. There’s just something about a brain-damaged black man who appeals to uneducated white voters. I think Mr. Odom will be very popular with our base of evangelical kooks and conspiracy theorists.

“We need someone who will stand up to the forces within our party who want to cooperate with the Democrat minions of Satan for the sole purpose of getting things done. We believe that Mr. Odom will help us deny food and health care to the poor while at the same time keeping women where they belong, in the kitchen or at church. Who cares if we shut down the government or default on our debt? The important thing here is for us to get our way, no matter what damage it does to the country.”

Conservative pundits on talk radio and Fox News applauded the move, with most in agreement that a Carson Administration combined with Odom as Speaker would usher in a new era of American politics reminiscent of the “good old days” before the Enlightenment ruined everything.

Relatives and friends of Odom told Fox News that they thought that Odom would be proud to serve as speaker and if he was able to think or speak he would praise Jordan and the Freedom Caucus’ decision to include him in the race. They also noted that Odom’s inability to move would no doubt help him overcome his problems with drug abuse and irrational behavior.