Tag Archives: humor

Christie Proves He’s Got What It Takes To Be Republican Nominee

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horseass1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Most right-wing pundits and political strategists  believe that because of his recent actions regarding the Ebola non-crisis in the United States, New Jersey governor and Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie has proven his bona fides and will become the frontrunner in the race for the nomination.

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Coulter became so excited during her appearance on Hannity’s show that she used up almost 80% of her available fat reserves and required intravenous fluids in order to remain conscious

Celebrated Republican strategist Karl Rove told Sean Hannity during an appearance on his show that Christie “proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he should be the frontrunner.”

“Governor Christie’s ability to deflect blame onto others during Bridgegate was positively Reaganesque, said Rove. “And by locking up that brave Ebola-fighting nurse he showed that he can act recklessly and with complete disregard for science, reason, and the opinions of experts. That’s exactly what we expect out of a Republican president. I think his future is bright indeed.”

Ann Coulter, rabid right wing pundit and concentration camp survivor, also appeared on Hannity’s show.

“Christie’s actions show a real lack of reasoning and restraint, and we’ve sorely missed that erratic and impulsive behavior over the last six years,” said Coulter. “His complete lack of compassion and empathy with health care workers desperately fighting to stop the Ebola epidemic shows that he can be a real prick and a giant horse’s ass, and that really turns me on!”

The nation’s most prominent horse’s ass, Bill O’Reilly, agreed with Rove and Coulter.

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America’s most prominent horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly told his decrepit viewers that “Christie has shown that he will act with reckless disregard for science and reason, and that makes him a candidate I can wholeheartedly support.”

O’Reilly told his elderly and weak-minded viewers that “I recognize a fellow horse’s ass when I see one, and Christie is one of the largest I’ve ever come across. Christie is a man who will act first and ask questions later, and that’s the kind of guy we need with his finger on the nuclear trigger.”

“I think Christie will be an articulate representative for our side in the upcoming election,” continued O’Reilly. “He’ll be able to express our policies of demonizing immigrants, gays, and poor black people in way that even the dumbest American will be able to relate to.”

The most recent polls of registered Republicans show that as a result of Christie’s recent hasty and uninformed decision-making, he has passed Texas Governor Rick Perry in popularity. Most of those being polled cited Perry’s low IQ as being a major stumbling block in the upcoming race. However, Perry continues to be the favorite among Tea Partiers and gun nuts.

 

 

 

Habersham County Cop Wins Coveted “NAZI Stormtrooper Of The Year” Award

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Police Converge Mass

ATLANTA (CT&P) – Bubba “Catfish” McDim, the Georgia SWAT team member who tossed a stun grenade into a baby’s crib during a drug raid this spring, has been awarded the NAZI Stormtrooper of the Year Award according to Haberham County Sheriff Joey “Heinrich” Terrell.  Although no drugs or weapons were found during the raid, McDim managed to melt the infant’s face and disfigure him for life, an achievement that brought praise from law enforcement agencies from across the country.

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Sheriff Terrell told reporters that Uncle Adolf himself would have been “damn proud” of the team’s actions on the night in question.

“We shore are proud of our Catfish,” said Sheriff Terrell. “All those hours of practice throwing fragmentation grenades at Messican farm workers and carloads of negra teenagers really paid off. Bubba sets a sterlin’ example of just what can be achieved when using deadly force against unarmed civilians.”

McDim will be honored at a gala banquet in Atlanta over the Christmas holidays. The yearly banquet honors militarized police thugs from all over the country who perpetrate abominations on the American public in the name of the “War On Drugs.”

Below is a synopsis of the Habersham SWAT team’s actions that the awards committee used to determine this year’s winner:

 

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Sheriff Terrell, president of the local chapter of the League of Fascist Law Enforcement Personnel, told WSB that although no drugs were found on the raid, melting the baby’s face was an outstanding achievement that just could not go unrecognized by law enforcement.

Of all the botched drug raids that have occurred in 2014, the most appalling took place in Cornelia, Georgia on May 28—when narcotics officers carried out a paramilitary no-knock SWAT raid at 3 AM at the home of Alecia Phonesavanh. The person they were looking for, Phonesavanh’s nephew Wanis Thonetheva, was suspected of making a $50 methamphetamine sale. Thonetheva, however, didn’t even live in Phonesavanh’s home and was nowhere to be found during the raid. But Phonesavanh’s 19-month-old toddler, Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh, was home. After breaking down the door of the Phonesavanh home, one of the brave cops, Officer Bubba “Catfish” McDim, tossed a flash-bang grenade which landed in the baby’s crib, exploded and caused the toddler extensive injuries (including severe burns, disfigurement and a hole in his chest that exposed his ribs). No drugs were found in the home, and Wanis Thonetheva was subsequently arrested without incident.

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The Stormtrooper of the Year award has a rich history and has been given to deserving young officers annually since 1945.

Habersham County officials announced in August that the county would not be giving the Phonesavanh family any assistance with the baby’s huge medical expenses. Members of the SWAT team escaped any criminal charges for the botched raid on October 6 when a grand jury, under threat of lifelong police harassment, found no fault with police procedure on the raid.

“We are here to support our officers no matter what kind of abomination they may perpetrate,” said a trembling Billy Bob McSneed, the jury foreman.

Mildred Fatback of Clarkesville agreed.

“I just don’t see how anyone could ever criticize our brave police officers,” she said, as she looked around nervously, “why, only last week one saved my life by giving me a ticket for going 3 MPH over the speed limit. He also confiscated 53 bucks from me that I could have used to purchase drugs if I actually used them. I’m very grateful.”

Sheriff Terrell told WSB News that the grand jury “did good” and more heinous and deadly “no-knock” raids were planned in the near future.

“There just ain’t no telling what’s goin’ on out dere,” said Terrell. “We may need raid every home in the county just to make sure no one ain’t doin’ nothin’ wrong. Who knows what we might find? I know some of the boys are needin’ some new appliances and stereos, so this no-knock thing might just be the ticket for ’em.”

Canadian Response To Terrorist Shooting Slowed By Authorities’ Need To Speak Two Languages At The Same Fucking Time

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canadianterror

OTTAWA, ONTARIO (CT&P) – A masked gunman killed a soldier standing guard at Canada’s war memorial Wednesday, then stormed Parliament in an attack that was stopped cold when he was shot to death by the ceremonial sergeant-at-arms. Canada’s prime minister called it the country’s second terrorist attack in three days.

Investigators offered little information about the gunman, identified as 32-year-old petty criminal Michael Zehaf-Bibeau. But Prime Minister Stephen Harper said: “In the days to come we will learn about the terrorist and any accomplices he may have had.”

In a televised address to the nation, Canada’s prime minister said Wednesday’s fatal shooting of a Canadian soldier in Ottawa and a hit-and-run that killed another earlier this week are grim reminders that Canada is not immune to terrorism.

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Canadian law enforcement authorities insist on addressing suspects in both English and French because so many of the world’s terrorists were born in Paris.

Harper said the two separate attacks will strengthen Canada’s resolve to work to keep Canada safe and work with allies around the world to fight terrorist organizations.

“But let there be no misunderstanding, we will not be intimidated. Canada will never be intimidated,” said Harper.

After the nearly twenty-minute speech, Prime Minister Harper then proceeded to repeat himself word-for-word in French, so no one who lives in Quebec would get their feelings hurt. The repetition turned what would have been an uplifting address to the nation into an almost hour-long marathon of political correctness run amok.

“It’s another example of why the Canadians are so difficult to work with,” said Andrew McCabe, head of the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division. “Every time I call up my counterpart in Ottawa the son of a bitch has to repeat every thing he says to me over the phone in French. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”

Current head of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson agreed with McCabe, and told reporters that Zehaf-Bibeau could have been apprehended before he got to the parliament building if the cops that were chasing him just shot his ass instead of trying to address him in two different languages.

“We think our friends from north of the border could decrease their response time by half just by dropping this idiotic regulation that law enforcement personnel have to repeat themselves in French every time they address a suspect,” said Johnson.

“I mean how ridiculous is it that you say “HALT! Stop or I’ll shoot!”, then immediately have to say “HALTE! Arrete ou je tire!” said an exasperated Johnson.

“The next thing you know they’ll have to include Arabic so as not to offend the fucking terrorist they are trying to apprehend!”

 



 


 

			

	
	



			
				


	

					
				
Frustrated By Debate Fiasco, Florida Governor Rick Scott Attacks And Devours Giant Alligator On Outskirts Of Everglades
						

							
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rick55


SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott campaign told our intrepid reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the governor killed and consumed a large alligator during the drive home to Tallahassee after the debate last week.


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This marks the second time Governor Scott has eaten an alligator while in office. The first time was at a party celebrating his executive order slashing aid to poor families in the state.


Apparently Scott demanded that the campaign bus, the “Python Express,” stop on the outskirts of the Everglades, whereupon he tore off his clothing, leaped from the vehicle and disappeared into the scrub. Efforts to stop the governor were met with threatening posturing and loud hissing from Scott.


“It was really terrifying,” said an aide who wished to remain anonymous. “He coiled up and was ready to strike anyone who tried to stop him. We were able to follow him for a while because of that unearthly glow given off by his scales when he gets excited, but we eventually had to stop when he reached a swampy area teeming with alligators.”


The aide reported that the next morning a stuffed and lethargic Scott was found sunning himself on the median of the interstate.


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Scott’s diet is not limited to other reptiles. His wife Ann still mourns the disappearance of Reagan, a yellow lab the family adopted in 2010. Reagan disappeared during a party celebrating tax breaks Scott gave to huge corporations doing business in the state.


“It took six of us to pick him up and put him back on the bus,” said the unnamed aide. “He was quite content to nap for most of the trip home while he was absorbing the enormous reptile.”


Apparently Scott’s diet is not limited to other reptiles. Sources say that Scott is an opportunist and somewhat of a scavenger. Visitors have noted the complete absence of any wildlife around the governor’s mansion and Scott’s guard detail has to continually replace Alsatians listed as “missing and presumed dead.”


Melissa Sellers, Scott’s campaign manager, told reporters that now that the governor has fed, he should be able to devote all of his time to being reelected.


“He won’t need to feed again for approximately six weeks,” said Sellers. “By that time the race will be decided and he can be returned to his enclosure. He won’t pose a threat to anyone for quite some time.”


 

			

	
	



			
				


	

					
				
Finalists Announced For This Year’s NAZI Stormtrooper Of The Year Award
						

							
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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The five finalists have been announced for the coveted NAZI Stormtrooper of the Year Award. The award is given each year to the SWAT team or individual law enforcement officer who, in the opinion of the judges, perpetrates the most heinous atrocity on an innocent American citizen during a drug raid or traffic stop. The award is sponsored by the Peace Officers Malevolent League, the National Association of Corrupt Prosecutors, the Bribable Judges Guild, and the Sadistic Souls Motorcycle Club of Brighton, Illinois.


This year the awards ceremony will take place in Atlanta because of the high number of abominations carried out by officers representing that great state. The winner of this year’s competition is expected to be announced sometime this week.


Below you will find a brief synopsis of each raid and subsequent barbaric obscenity being considered by the panel of judges.


1. The Phonesavanh Family, Habersham County, Georgia


In Cornelia, Georgia on May 28—narcotics officers carried out a paramilitary no-knock SWAT raid at 3 AM at the home of Alecia Phonesavanh. The person they were looking for, Phonesavanh’s nephew Wanis Thonetheva, was suspected of making a $50 methamphetamine sale. Thonetheva, however, didn’t even live in Phonesavanh’s home and was nowhere to be found during the raid. But Phonesavanh’s 19-month-old toddler, Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh, was home. After breaking down the door of the Phonesavanh home, one of the officers tossed a flashbang grenade—which landed in the baby’s crib, exploded and caused the toddler extensive injuries (including severe burns, disfigurement and hole in his chest that exposed his ribs). No drugs were found in the home, and Wanis Thonetheva was subsequently arrested later without incident.


To make matters worse, Habersham County officials announced in August that the county would not be giving the Phonesavanh family any assistance with the baby’s huge medical expenses. And the fact that members of the SWAT team escaped criminal charges on October 6 only encourages militarized narcotics officers to continue endangering the public.


2. David Hooks, East Dublin, Georgia


In September, methamphetamine addict Rodney Garrett confessed to stealing an SUV from the home of 59-year-old David Hooks, an East Dublin, Georgia resident who owned a construction company. Garrett claimed that he found a bag of meth in the vehicle, and the Laurens County Sheriff’s Department obtained a warrant for a no-knock raid on Hooks’ home. When the SWAT team broke into Hooks’ house on September 23, Hooks—according to attorney Mitchell Shook, who is representing Hooks’ widow—thought he was being robbed again and grabbed a gun to defend himself, although Shook said Hooks’ didn’t actually fire it. At least 16 shots were fired by the SWAT team, killing Hooks instantly. Shook told reporters, “There is no evidence that David Hooks ever fired a weapon.”


No drugs were found in the home during a 44-hour search. And there was no evidence that Hooks had any involvement in drug trafficking apart from the dubious claims of a confessed meth addict and car thief.


3. Jason Westcott, Tampa, Florida


Militarized police are a hazard all over the United States, but progressive talk radio host/attorney Mike Papantonio has said more than once that militarized police in the Deep South (who he describes as “Dixieland stormtroopers”) are especially toxic. And the Dixieland stormtroopers were feeling very trigger-happy when, on May 27, a SWAT team in Tampa, Florida carried out a no-knock raid on the home of 29-year-old Jason Westcott (who narcotics officers suspected of selling marijuana). Westcott, who evidently believed he was being robbed, grabbed his gun—and he was killed when the SWAT team opened fire. Officers found about two dollars worth of marijuana in the house.


 4. Larry Lee Arman, St. Paul, Minnesota


There have been many examples of militarized narcotics officers killing pet dogs during drug raids, and the two dogs that St. Paul, Minnesota resident Larry Lee Arman owned were shot and killed when a SWAT team carried out a no-knock drug raid on his home onJuly 9. Although Arman acknowledges that he is a recreational marijuana user, he has vehemently denied any involvement in drug trafficking—and the only items found during the raid were a glass bong and marijuana remnants in a metal grinder. Camille Perry, Arman’s girlfriend, was present during the raid and said that she feared for the lives of her children. “The only thing I was thinking was my kids were going to get hit by bullets,” Perry told Minneapolis’ KMSP-TV. But gratefully, their children—unlike Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh—were not injured.


5. Lillian Alonzo, Manchester, New Hampshire


Journalist Radley Balko (author of Rise of the Warrior Cop: The Militarization of America’s Police Forces) has often said that when paramilitary weapons are used in connection with investigations for nonviolent offenses, the chances of innocent people being injured escalate. That happened in Manchester, New Hampshire on August 27, when members of the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) raided the apartment of 49-year-old Lilian Alonzo.


Although two of her daughters, Johanna Nunez and Jennifer Nunez, were suspects in the investigation, Alonzo herself was not a suspect—and neither of them lived with her. During the raid, the unarmed Alonzo was picking up a baby when two shots were fired; one of them went through her left arm and entered her left ribcage (30 stitches were needed). No drugs were found in Lilian Alonzo’s apartment.


Honorable Mention


Dwayne Perry, Cartersville, Georgia


In Cartersville, Georgia, state narcotics officers acted like soldiers in Fallujah, Al Anbar when, in early October, they invaded the back yard of Dwayne Perry. Flying overhead in a helicopter, they were searching for marijuana plants and thought they spotted some in Perry’s yard. The officers, weapons drawn, invaded the yard with a K-9 unit. But what they thought were marijuana plants turned out to be okra plants. Perry told WSB-TV: “I was scared…….They were strapped to the gills. Anything could have happened.”


 


 

			

	
	



			
				


	

					
				
Nation In Mourning As Dallas Residents Released From Quarantine
						

							
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BoehnerJohnCrying


SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Across the country conservatives from all walks of life donned black and lit candles today as 43 residents of Dallas, Texas were released from quarantine after showing no signs of Ebola three weeks after possible exposure to the deadly virus.


Health officials said that 43 of the 48 initial contacts of Ebola victim Thomas Eric Duncan are free to resume their lives after 21 days of isolation.


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Speaker Boehner told reporters that President Obama had carefully crafted his West Africa policy so that every American would eventually be infected with at least one type of hemorrhagic fever.


And while Dallas officials celebrated the milestone, they pleaded with the community not to stigmatize the people returning to their normal routines.


“There is zero risk that any of those people who have been marked off the list have Ebola,” Dallas County Judge Clay Jenkins said at a news conference. “They were in contact with the person who had Ebola and the time period for them to get Ebola has lapsed.


“They are people who need our compassion our respect and our love,” Jenkins added. “Treat them the way you would want your own family treated if you were in their place and they were in yours.”


Jenkins called the reintegration process a “defining moment” and urged Dallas residents to trust the science behind their recommendations.


“We have to believe in science,” Jenkins said. “That’s what separates us from other mammals.”


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Fox News pundits were quick to point out that we can never really trust the CDC, scientists, or the laws of nature and that a major outbreak of Ebola was just around the corner.


In response, Speaker of the House John Boehner called his own press conference and insisted that there was no real difference between Republicans and any other mammal that roams the planet living in fear of things it does not understand.


A tearful Boehner told journalists that “Many times I’ve tilted my head in confusion when I just could not comprehend certain concepts like gay marriage, climate change, or equal pay for women, and I’ve seen my dog do the very same thing when he hears a strange sound, so I really don’t know what Jenkins is talking about.”


Senator Lindsey Graham, who began self-flagellating on the steps of the Capitol when he heard the news, wholeheartedly agreed.


“Since when have we Republicans ever listened to scientists about anything? This whole Ebola thing is part of the Benghazi-ISIS-Obamacare conspiracy to kill every single American, and I won’t rest until the whole country is just as terrified as I am!”


Pundits from both Fox and CNN paused briefly during ISIS doomsday coverage long enough to remind America that although the Ebola crisis in Dallas appears to be contained for the time being, it could always defy the laws of physics and crop up all over the country at once, causing millions of deaths. Dr. Keith Ablow of Fox reminded viewers that of Ebola didn’t kill us all, a huge asteroid could wipe us out any minute anyway, so by far the best thing to do is to live in abject fear for the rest of our lives.

			

	
	



			
				


	

					
				
Poll Finds Old Wet Hens Are Optimistic About America’s Future
						

							
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wethen


WASHINGTON (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll released this morning indicates that old wet hens are more optimistic about America’s future than 90% of politicians currently running for office.


The poll was taken on October 18 immediately after an intense thunderstorm and represents the feelings of over a dozen elderly free-range hens in the backwoods of North Carolina. The poll results were then compared to a similar poll taken on October 15th of politicians currently running for office.


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Zebrus Maximus, seen here with three of the hens polled, told researchers that “Hell, I thought living with 12 women in the same coop was tough. I think I’d have to drown myself in the watering trough if I had to be around politicians all the time.” Zebrus does morning drive-time traffic for WCOK in Murphy.


The data clearly shows that 9 out of 10 wet hens are either “very” or “somewhat” optimistic about America’s future over the next two decades, with the remaining 10% of hens being “cautiously” optimistic.


By comparison, 80% of the politicians who were polled felt that the fabric of American society is sure to “torn asunder” or “ripped apart” over the next 10-20 years, with the result being a “dystopian hellscape” similar to what now exists in the state of Florida. The remaining 20% of pols predict a slower, more gradual descent into chaos that over the next fifty years will reduce western civilization to roving bands of survivors eating out of date dog food.


Both major parties were pessimistic about America’s chances to survive, but in general Republicans predict a more rapid demise than their counterparts on the other side of the aisle.


Reasons given for the imminent collapse of the United States include Ebola, ISIS, gay marriage, and Obamacare for the Republicans, and climate change, genetically modified organisms, voter ID laws, and wheat gluten for the Democrats.


“I personally cannot see how most Americans can stand to watch these idiot politicians on television,” said Andrew Kohut, founding director of the Pew Research Center. “The only thing that keeps those hens sane and happy is the fact that they don’t have cable. I threw away my television years ago and advise everyone else in America to do the same.”


 


 


 


 

			

	
	



			
				


	

					
				
Carnival Cruise Lines Announces Ebola Virus To Be Added To Water Supply Aboard Select Vessels
						

							
			Posted in entertainment, health and fitness, health care, humor		
			
	
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Ebola will be added to the drinking water supply of Ecstasy’s sister ship the Agony beginning in early 2015


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held in Miami last night, Carnival Cruise Lines announced that a particularly virulent strain of the Ebola virus will be added to the toxic cocktail of viruses, bacteria, medical waste, and spent nuclear fuel rods already present in the holding tanks of some of its ships.


The virus will be added first to Carnival’s Survivor Class of vessels that have become so popular with doomsday preppers, Alaskan homesteaders, survivalists, and other nuts who want to test their mettle against whatever nature has to throw at them.


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Carnival’s Survivor Class vessels are often older and have few of the amenities available aboard their other ships


The line of Survivor Class vessels consist mostly of older, barely seaworthy ships that have little or no medical support staff. They normally travel five to seven days out of Miami to a deserted island populated only with Komodo dragons and huge vampire bats that dwell deep within the island’s extensive underground cave complex.


Passengers are treated to free food and drink on the way out while being exposed to a wide variety of deadly pathogens and an unusually high level of ionizing radiation emanating from spent nuclear fuel rods stored in the hull of each ship. The passengers are then dumped on the island with the only medical care provided by a witch doctor and two cannibal nurses from New Guinea. Those who survive for a week or longer are then picked up and transported back to the mainland where they are given various awards at a gala party on South Beach.


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After a week on the desert island, whose whereabouts remain a mystery, most passengers are eager to be reunited with loved ones on the mainland. One passenger described the adventure as a trip to a “dystopian hellscape.” “It was like visiting Florida during an election,” he said.


Carnival’s spokesman Captain William Bligh told reporters that the company will monitor the results of the additional virus before adding it to Carnival’s remaining ships, which are already teeming with waterborne pathogens such as the Norwalk virus, E. coli, Clostridium botulinum, and Salmonella typhi, just to name a few.


“We want to build on the success we had last year when we introduced Enterobius vermicularis to our Disney Class vessels, which cater to families with kids,” said Captain Bligh. “As you know E. vermicularis causes peri-anal itching, hyperactivity, nervous irritability, and insomnia. It was a big hit with our customers who want to educate their kids about what life has in store for them.”


The cruise line is currently in negotiation with a group of renegade ex-Soviet scientists and is hopeful that weaponized anthrax, smallpox, and bubonic plague can be added to the toxic sludge now present in the water supply of their beautiful ships.


 


 

			

	
	



			
				


	

					
				
Florida Governor Rick Scott Temporarily Misplaces His Mind
						

							
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rick55


TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Governor of Cretonia and part-time Aztec snake god Rick Scott temporarily lost his mind Wednesday night during a debate with challenger Charlie Crist. Scott’s irrational and confused state apparently stemmed from an argument over a fan that Crist had placed at his feet in order to keep him cool during the proceedings.


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Scott is widely believed to be a reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god


The debate was delayed for around seven minutes while organizers tried to convince Scott to take the stage and much of the audience cat-called and booed the Governor.


“Scott stomped his foot repeatedly and refused to come on stage for what seemed like an eternity,” said Patty Pollywog, one of the debate’s organizers. “Scott called the fan ‘an electric talisman,’ that could be used to coach Crist. He told us he had heard voices emanating from the fan during previous debates and said that ‘contact with the Great Beyond was strictly forbidden during political appearances.'”


“We finally convinced him to carry on after explaining to him that the fan only evened the odds. Everyone knows that Crist, being a mammal, needed to stay cool under the hot klieg lights on stage, whereas a cold-blooded reptile like Scott would naturally warm up and become more alert and active with the heat.”


Scott finally relented under pressure and the debate went on as planned.


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Governor Scott told a horrified audience that the human sacrifices could be combined with appearances by popular musicians such as Kenny G in order to draw more tourists to the state


Scott seemed to be holding his own until late in the debate when he advocated offering human sacrifices to the sun in order to make sure it rose every day over Florida’s beautiful beaches. He told the audience that an almost endless supply of victims could be found within Florida’s ridiculously overcrowded prison system.


“It would be a real honor for those folks, and they would finally serve some purpose in society and be guaranteed revered status in the Underworld after what would be a particularly savage and painful death,” said Scott.


Scott explained that he was sure that there would be no shortage of law enforcement personnel willing to serve as priests and a series of giant pyramids or ziggurats could be built up and down the coast of Florida where the unfortunate prisoners could have their organs removed on a daily basis.


“Think of the tourist trade,” said Scott. “We would be flooded with visitors from all over the world, and the amount of money we would save not having to house and feed non-violent offenders would be enormous!”


Florida Gov. Crist Visits NOAA's Hurricane Center
Crist, a member of the Boehneris orangicus family of mammals, was crowned winner of Wednesday night’s debate by most pundits


Scott went on to explain that the savings would be used to set up a trust fund that would be used to teach remedial English, math, and science courses to probation officers and other under-educated citizens of Florida.


“It would be a win-win proposition for everyone in the state,” concluded Scott, whose scales had begun to luminesce an unearthly green.


Thankfully at that point aides dragged the glowing Scott offstage and cooled him off with a mobile refrigeration unit kept on hand for that very purpose.


Pundits have generally given Crist the victory in the debate, although some of his ideas such as providing free tanning salons to the state’s less fortunate citizens did raise some eyebrows.


 


 

			

	
	



			
				


	

					
				
White House Appoints Brick Top New Surgeon General
						

							
			Posted in health care, humor, politics		
			
	
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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a meeting with health officials at the White House this morning, President Obama has announced that Brick Top will be appointed to assume the post of Surgeon General of the United States.


The last appointee, Dr. Vivek Murthy, failed to be confirmed by Congress after a smear campaign organized by the NRA and right-wing propaganda outlets such as Fox News. However, the White House apparently feels that Brick Top will sail through the confirmation process because he has files on every member of Congress and knows “where the bodies are buried.”


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Brick Top told reporters he had been “taken aback” by the poor quality of Ebola reporting on cable outlets. “In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary…come again? Did you guys even pass a 6th grade science class?”


White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that Brick Top was chosen because of his innate ability “to get things done in a timely and efficient manner, regardless of the situation.”


“Brick Top knows how to cut through red tape…and flesh and bone for that matter,” said Earnest. “The President is frankly sick to death of all the hysteria being spread by imbecile pundits on cable outlets regarding the Ebola situation, and he wanted to appoint someone who could silence the critics and put this thing to bed.”


“Did you know there is even a conspiracy theory making the rounds that the CDC is lying to the public regarding transmission of the disease? I tell you guys, there is no shortage of stupid in this country. After he takes care of this crisis, the President is thinking of putting Brick Tip in charge of a complete overhaul of the Department of Education so we can at least come up to Third World standards.”


After Earnest was finished Brick Top came to the podium to make a few remarks.


“I want everyone in this room to understand who is in charge now,” said Brick Top. “I don’t want any criticism from you or your ilk about my methods or how the CDC is handling this matter. If I hear one more muttonheaded story on Fox News or CNN, I can assure you that you will be paid a visit by one of my boys. For you new guys, crossing me will win you a tour of my pig farm.”


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Brick Top made it quite clear that anyone trumpeting any more hysterical conspiracy theories would be a “guest of honor” at his pig farm in rural Maryland


The new Surgeon General then gave a detailed description of just what a tour of his pig farm meant…


“You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.


For the first time in history there were no follow-up questions from the White House Press Corps.