Tag Archives: humor

Centers For Disease Control ‘Misplaces’ Ebola Patient

Posted in health and fitness, humor by

cdc1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is reporting this morning that the Centers for Disease Control have apparently ‘misplaced’ Dr. Kent Brantly, who had been flown into Atlanta to receive treatment at Emory University Hospital. The AJC reported that Brantly, who has been slowly improving, was moved over the weekend to the CDC campus for some tests. He was to return to Emory Sunday night.

zombies

Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed told the AJC that he lives in fear of being told that some laboratory experiment over at the CDC has gone terribly wrong

“Something went badly wrong here,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the CDC. “As everyone in America knows, we take great pride in our safety and inventory protocols, and run this place strictly by the book. This is the first foul-up we’ve had since that anthrax powder got into the cafeteria mashed potatoes earlier this summer. I want to assure the public that Brantly is here somewhere, but we have a large campus and it might take a while to track him down.”

The unit where Brantly was being treated over at Emory is run by Dr. Bruce Ribner. “The patient was just supposed to be transported over there and back so those idiots over at the CDC could culture some live virus,” said Dr. Ribner. “How the hell they managed to lose him beats the hell out of me.”

bradpitt

Reed denied rumors that the city has hired Brad Pitt as a consultant paid to come up with contingency plans in case Atlanta is overrun by zombies from the CDC

Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed was also not amused with the situation.

“Just who the hell is running that asylum over there?” said Reed. ” How in God’s name do you lose some dude who can’t even get out of bed because he’s hemorrhaging all over the place? I mean Jesus! The son-of-bitch was in a giant Glad bag for Christ’s sake. Rick Perry has got it easy. All he has to worry about is tuberculosis. I live in fear every day that some federal official is going to call me and tell me that we have some plague of brain-eating zombies overrunning the city. Those people over there couldn’t find their ass if they used both hands! Shit!”

The unfortunate misplacement of Brantly comes at a bad time because a second ebola victim, Nancy Writebol, arrived at Dobbins Air Force base early this morning. She was scheduled to be transported to Emory later today.

However, upon hearing the news of Brantly’s disappearance, she immediately ripped a hole in the protective tent surrounding her gurney and demanded to be transported to Fulton Urgent Care, a doc-in-the-box on Buford Highway, instead.

 

 

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

Posted in humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

trump

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

douganddinsdale

Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

Doug & Dinsdale Piranha

In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”

 

 

 

 

 

Dickerson Reaffirms Vows To Self In Emotional Ceremony On Santa Rosa Beach

Posted in humor by

sunset

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In a romantic and moving ceremony held yesterday at sundown on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico, Jerry Dickerson reaffirmed to the world that he continues to be in a deep and loving relationship with himself.

jerrypatriot

Dickerson has been in a committed relationship with himself for over 50 years

In attendance were thousands of Dickerson’s imaginary friends, phantasmal readers of his blog, and apocryphal admirers from all over the planet.

“It was a truly moving experience, said Dirk “Lloyd” Bridges, a lifeguard who happened to be putting away beach chairs and umbrellas at the time and witnessed the event. “Dickerson’s level of commitment to himself is heart warming. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so deeply devoted to the preservation of his own well-being and happiness.”

When interviewed by Action News after the ceremony, Dickerson said, “I just wanted the world to know that I have finally found my soul mate, and he is me.”

Dickerson felt the same way. He told reporters that he admired his partner’s “manly physique, outgoing personality, rapier wit, and above all his towering intellect.”

When interviewed, Dickerson’s mother Charlene  told reporters that she “just did not see anyone breaking up this beautiful long term relationship that Jerry has with himself.”

“I know in my heart that no one will ever be able to love my son as much as he does himself.”

 

Republican House Unable To Determine When To Go To The Toilet

Posted in humor, politics by

Republican all white male leadership

MicheleBachmannBlack

Surprisingly, the normally dim-witted Michele Bachmann was the only Republican House member to successfully urinate during the whole debate

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The Republican controlled House of Representatives begrudgingly admitted yesterday that no one could make a concrete decision on when the Caucus would be allowed a restroom break. The homogenous white male leadership was seen clutching their crotches in obvious discomfort as they milled aimlessly about the chamber.

Coming on the heels of the “do nothing” delegation’s inability to pass even its own version of a watered down bill to deal with the border crisis, the inability of the Republicans to agree on when to urinate could prove disastrous in this fall’s elections.

When questioned about  the apparent disorganization and incompetence displayed by the right-wingers, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) replied, “This disaster should highlight to the American people the utter failure of Obamacare to provide adequate healthcare to the nation’s most important citizens. The fact that we have not been provided with catheters so we can bitch and moan 24 hours a day without interruption (except when on our five-week vacation) is just unforgivable and shows a horrible lack of leadership and a willingness to obstruct on the President’s part.”

restroom2

When Tea Party members of the caucus wrested control of the House from the moderates, they dug out the old restroom signs from storage and had them re-posted

At a press conference at the White House later the President responded, “If the Republican House can’t even pass urine successfully, how the hell are they going to pass a border bill? This is not a disagreement between me and the House Republicans, this  is a disagreement between House Republicans and House Republicans. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was watching an episode of ‘Real Morons of Capitol Hill’ rather than our government in action.”

During the debacle the only member of the Republican Caucus to successfully make the trek to the restroom and back was Michele Bachmann, who later told reporters that the entire mess was a plot by Obama to conduct heinous medical experiments on House members by seeing how long they could hold their urine. “I wasn’t born yesterday,” said Bachmann. “I’m too damn smart to fall for a trick like that!”

 

Hamas Leadership Approves Plan To Strap Infants To Outgoing Rockets

Posted in politics, religion by

hamas

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – At a press conference today held at the Yasser Arafat High School and Rocket Storage Facility in Gaza City, commander of the “moderate” wing of Hamas’ military forces Abdul Mohommed Buttplug Skyhook announced that his forces will go ahead with a plan to strap infants, toddlers, women, elderly Alzheimer’s patients, and other non-combatants to outgoing rockets bound for Israel.

Arab-Kids-747387

Kids from the Yasser Arafat School for Ignorant and Disillusioned Youth take a break from classes to display advanced level firing positions for the double-jointed

“We are suffering from a decline in numbers of Palestinian civilians volunteering to be human shields,” said Skyhook. “We feel that this step is necessary in order to show our resolve during this crisis.”

The latest flare-up in the continuing dispute between Israel and Hamas has claimed almost 1500 Palestinian lives, many of them women, children, and other non-combatants. The current conflict heated up after Israel finally had enough of daily rocket fire emanating from the Strip.

“There is only so much a people can tolerate without taking action,” said a spokesman for the IDF. “If some idiot were lobbing Molotov cocktails at your house every day would you sit there on your ass and do nothing?”

arab_car_surfing-500x300

In addition to his duties as military commander, Skyhook is a regular on Al Jazeera’s hit television show “Real Dumbasses of the Gaza Strip”

The most recent cease-fire agreement broke down today when the Hamas brain trust decided to kill two IDF soldiers and kidnap a third, resulting in heavy shelling of Rafah by Israeli forces and a renewed aggressive ground attack.

“We have to prove just how vicious and inhuman these Jews are,” said Skyhook. “We think that strapping our own children to our rockets so their dead bodies will be seen inside Israel will help us with our public relations effort around the world. The truth about these power-mad Zionists just has to be told.”

Skyhook achieved his high current position in the military wing of Hamas by blowing up several children’s holiday camps in Tel Aviv and murdering two of his own brothers who were ahead of him in the line of succession.

Cuban Air Force Spad Shoots Down F-35 Over Gulf Of Mexico

Posted in humor, politics by

spad13_03

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – An F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter has been shot down over the Gulf of Mexico by an ancient Cuban Air Force biplane, according to a U.S. Air Force spokesman. The fighter was on a test flight out of Homestead Air Force Base in Lower Cretonia.

??????????????????

A Pentagon spokesperson told CT&P reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “the F-35 promises to be one kick-ass airplane if we can ever get the thing to fly right-side-up.”

Officials say that the F-35 was having difficulties maintaining level flight, altitude, and direction among other problems. It apparently strayed into Cuban airspace and the Cuban Air Force scrambled a pair of World War I era Spad biplanes to intercept it.

The pilot of the F-35, Benny “Foolhardy” Farris, radioed Homestead that he was “gonna try to get this 135 million dollar piece of shit back into international airspace before all hell breaks loose.”

crash

The F-35 program has experienced a few minor setbacks

buckchurcheson

U.S. Air Force General Buck Churcheson insists that with the proper funding the F-35 will be fully operational by the year 2025

According to radar tracking stations in Miami, Farris did manage to get out of Cuban airspace and back out over the Gulf before the Spads caught up with him. Although the F-35 had a huge speed advantage over the Spads, Farris was forced to fly in lazy circles and take an erratic up and down flight path just to keep the jet in the air, which allowed the slower aircraft to catch up.

As the Spads approached, Farris radioed that he was deploying the giant “no más” banner that Lockheed added to the plane’s systems when it became apparent that early production models of the plane were virtually useless in air-to-air combat.

However, the Cuban pilots ignored Farris’ attempt at surrender and blasted the F-35 with Gatling guns purchased as surplus from the British government after the Zulu War of 1879. The stricken plane quickly lost power and plummeted into the sea.

Farris punched out and safely made it to the surface of the Gulf where he was devoured by man-eating sharks already agitated by programming they saw on the Discovery Channel this week.

U.S. Air Force sources have not announced when another test flight will be conducted but it promises to be a wildly entertaining event.

The F-35 program, plagued by cost overruns and multiple groundings, is the most expensive weapons program in history. The GAO estimated the program will cost $12.6 billion a year on average through 2037 — that’s an average of about $1.4 million an hour for the next two and a half decades.

In addition, when asked just who we will be using these jets against, air force generals and politicians alike have so far been unable to come up with a viable enemy.

 

 

 

‘Coalition Of Rabid White Bitches’ Joins Growing Band Of Protesting Border Bumpkins

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

angrywhitewomen

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The activist group Rabid White Bitches announced today that it intended to join the ragtag army of reactionary miscreants lurking around the Texas-Mexico border. The addition of the organization to the border area boosts the number of seething hate-filled xenophobic groups to over two dozen.

angrybitch

President of Rabid White Bitches Susan Madsen is a part-time executioner for the State of Arizona.

“We realized that we were just not getting enough coverage screaming and foaming at the mouth in downtown Dallas,” said Susan “Stark Raving” Madsen. “We had to get our butts down to the border where the action is. That way we can hurl racist insults directly at those vile young kids. Hopefully we can eventually get close enough to spit on those little brown vermin.”

Rabid White Bitches joins The Fellowship of Christian Racists, the Sexual Minutemen, the Federation of Xenophobic Hillbillies, the South Texas Chapter of the Tea Party Patriotic Apple-Knockers Society, Open Disease Carrying Texans, and the Texas Goat Fanciers Association as well as several other groups vying for this year’s Medieval Abomination Award.

“We really think that our hysterical screaming and cursing, combined with our superior endurance, gives a real shot at winning the competition,” said Madsen, as she wiped spittle off her chin with a tobacco-stained shirtsleeve.

“We just can’t risk letting desperate innocent children into the United States. They could be harboring all types of deadly diseases and conditions like scurvy, beriberi, Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, leprosy, Ebola, Black Plague, untreatable tuberculosis, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, erectile dysfunction, or even the dreaded toenail fungus.”

Jesus-machine-gun

Madsen told reporters that if Jesus were at the border he would gladly jump in and prevent “those underage scum” from breaking international law by seeking help from the richest country on earth.

“This whole situation is President Obama’s fault,” continued Madsen. “If he was running this country in accordance with Biblical principles the way the founders intended, then we wouldn’t have a border problem. Do you think that for one instant that Jesus would tolerate all these kids breaking the law by peaceably turning themselves in to border agents? No sir! I feel confident that if Jesus were here today he would take a break from stoning  fags and atheists to death long enough to come down here and man one of our machine guns, after all, some of these kids could turn out to be gay!”

Franklin “Blue Balls” Bates, president of the South Texas Amateur Gynecologist’s League wholeheartedly agreed with Madsen. “God hates immigrants, and he downright despises illegal immigrants, especially brown ones,” said Bates. “There’s nothing that irritates God more than a bunch of whining children trying to escape rampant violence and soul-crushing poverty.”

berlinwall

Most right-wing groups think that the most compassionate and humane thing to do for the kids of Central America is to erect a Soviet style Berlin Wall along our border topped with deadly electrified razor wire

“Franklin is correct,” said Charles “Baby-Crusher” Paisely, who is in charge of recruiting for the Texas Association of Fascist Sympathizers. “If God had intended for these little bastards to live in the United States, he would have put them here in the very beginning, just like us white people.”

The tide of young kids seeking refuge at the border shows no signs of ebbing anytime soon, and the crisis is likely to get worse before it gets better. However, most of the narrow-minded provincials protesting along the border are optimistic that something will go terribly wrong and they will get a chance to use overwhelming firepower against the pre-pubescent scourge from south of the border.

When a reporter asked how any person with an ounce of compassion could possibly mow down a group of innocent children weak from malnutrition, a sentry for the Daughters of the Spanish Inquisition replied, “Easy, you just don’t lead them as much!”

 

 

Jesus Mounts Mission To Rescue Randy Reptiles

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

jesus-dinosaur2

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – At an early morning press conference today just outside the Pearly Gates, a weary and frustrated Saint Peter announced to reporters that despite his best efforts at discouraging any interference with an already wacked-out Russian space program, Jesus has insisted on mounting a rescue mission to save five horny geckos currently in orbit around the earth.

jesus-dinosaur

Jesus’ love of reptiles dates back to his ministry to the dinosaurs over two thousand years ago

The Russian satellite containing the wayward reptiles was sent into space to understand the effects of weightlessness on sexual intercourse. Contact with the spacecraft was lost sometime during the traditional post-launch vodka chugging party and lingerie show at Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

Jesus felt action had to be taken because Russian engineers have been unable to re-establish communication and control of the satellite for over a week.

ham2

Ham the Astrochimp will pilot the rescue spacecraft

“Jesus is adamant about saving those damn geckos,” said Saint Peter. “Ever since his ministry to the dinosaurs over two thousand years ago, the Lord has had a soft spot in his heart, and some would say his brain, for reptiles of all types. He always told me that lizards were his favorite animals because they were much less devious and sinful than human beings.”

The planned rescue mission will be led by Saint Francis of Assisi with a recently resurrected Albert Schweitzer as second in command. Ham the Astrochimp of NASA fame will pilot the spacecraft sent to liberate the gregarious geckos.

 

jesus-christ-baby-dinosaur

“But Jesus called to the zookeeper and said ‘Suffer the little lizards to come unto me, and forbid them not: for verily I say unto you, what is the world if not my own personal terrarium?'” Matthew 19:14.069

The Russian satellite Foton-M4 was launched into space on July 19 with four female geckos and one male gecko, along with fruit flies, mushrooms and a bunch of weird and useless scientific gear.

The experiment was part of a research project conducted by Russia’s Institute of Medico-Biological Problems and Reptile Pornography. It was intended to answer once and for all the question burning in the minds of scientists all over the world: just how do lizards fuck in outer space?

According to scientists at the Russian space firm Progress, they were hoping to receive video footage of mating geckos to help them explain how zero gravity affects wild lizardlike sex. The videos were to be repackaged later with other reptilian porn and sold on the internet in order to fund the mission.

The Foton-M4 satellite can stay in orbit for up to four months during which the geckos are expected to continue the reptilian orgy.

The space agency Progress is trying hard to re-establish a connection with the satellite, reports added, just in case Jesus’ divine rescue mission fails.

 

Dickerson Signs Non-Aggression Pact With Scorpions

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

scorpion

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held Friday at Billy Bob McSneed’s Barbecue and Assault Weapon Repair in Ducktown, TN., Marvin V. Carolinianus, patriarch of the ruling tribe of scorpions in the area, announced a groundbreaking treaty signed with the owner of Cabin Anthrax, Jerry Dickerson.

The treaty is believed to be the first of its kind signed between a member of Homo sapiens and a family of predatory arthropods.

memorning

Our regular readers may remember Dickerson as the founder of the philosophy of “masterly inactivity” made famous by its adoption by the Republican House in 2009. He was not enthusiastic about our 9 AM interview. “I told you fucktards not to show up until after lunch. No one should be made to wake up until after the postman makes his rounds, you idiots!” said Dickerson

Although details have yet to be published, Dickerson outlined the basics for our ace reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.

“Well, Bruce, after a long and exhausting guerrilla war I think both sides were ready for a truce. The agreement calls for a halt to the hit-and-run tactics practiced by the scorpions that interfered with my nocturnal trips to the bathroom and the cabinet in the kitchen where I store the fig newtons,” said Dickerson. “For weeks I never knew when one of those little dudes would rush out from under the oven and sting the shit out of one of my petite and attractive feet.”

“In return, I have promised to allow the little guys free rein to run around the cabin and eat all the spiders, centipedes, and insects that their little hearts desire. But more importantly, I agreed to stop deporting the illegal young scorpions back across the border into the woods around the house. After Marvin told me about the dangerous conditions in the woods and the abject poverty faced by the young scorpions, how could I object?”

Bruce also interviewed Marvin after sunset from the safety of a dark broom closet.

“We think we have negotiated a great deal here,” said Marvin. “Just because we are a different species you egotistical humans should never underrate our ability to haggle. Late one night one of our scout teams climbed one of Dickerson’s bookshelves and were able to determine from his library and his DVD collection that Dickerson was not only an atheist, but a dyed-in-the-wool bleeding heart liberal.”

“We successfully used that bit of intelligence to feed him some cock-and-bull story about how tough it was for us out in the wild. It had the desired effect of making him feel sorry for our young out there in the ‘real world.’ So now not only have the deportations stopped, but we get to run around murdering and devouring helpless insects and those sub-arthropod arachnids! It’s a win-win for us.”

Other arthropod activist groups have shown keen interest in signing their own treaties with humans. Francis “Segmented” Smith, leader of a tribe of assassin bugs, told the A.P. that they are currently negotiating with the Turtletown Gardeners Club.

Bobby Joe “Bulbous” Baxter, president of the Sunburst Diving Beetle Benevolent Association represents a species of strong-swimming Dytiscid beetles that prey on a variety of aquatic animals by tearing them to shreds with their powerful mandibles. “We feel that we are misunderstood by most humans,” said Baxter. “We’d really like to educate people about life in the water and just how tough it is. We’re confident we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement at some point down the line.”

 

 

 

 

 

Research Reveals An Alarmingly High Rate Of Illiteracy Within The Tea Party

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

illiterate11

misspelled-tea-party-signTHE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -New research conducted by the Center for Sanity in Politics has revealed that over 40% of Tea Party members are functionally illiterate and a significant percentage of the rest of party exhibit the reading comprehension skills of third graders. The inability of many of the right-wing political organization’s activists to manufacture even the most simple signage was once thought to be an aberration resulting in a humorous display of “Teabonics.” But tragically it now seems to be representative of the group as a whole.

05_Flatbed_WEB - MARCH“What we found was truly shocking,” said Dr. Frank Black, director of research at CSP. “However, with the advantage of hindsight I suppose we really should have expected these results.”

misspelled9“After all, the Tea Party appeals to the basest of mankind’s instincts. You can’t expect a political party based on a Frankenstein’s monster  stitched-together from debunked economic theories, irrational xenophobia, racial hatred, and medieval religious superstition to be overflowing with intellectuals. The party is little more than a small army of dullards brimming with rage against change and enlightened policy of any sort. They basically run around the countryside terrified of fire and science and blame anything they perceive as a problem on our current president, no matter how ridiculous those assertions might be.”

“Most Tea Partiers show a disturbing lack of knowledge of basic civics and their grasp of history appears to come out of some comic book published by Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity,” said Dr. Black. “Propaganda outlets such as Fox News and right-wing radio hosts only serve to further fan the flames of ignorance and hatred among these folks.”

misspell4Similar and even more shocking results were found when researchers investigated the Christian Right.

misspell77misspelled8A recent YouGov poll has found that over sixty percent of self-proclaimed conservative Christians are unable to comprehend what they read. The poll was conducted July 1-2 among 1,000 U.S. adults using a sample selected from YouGov’s opt-in online panel to match the demographics and other characteristics of the adult U.S. population. The poll asked “what would Jesus do?” on a wide range of political issues such as health care, gun control, climate change, and taxes.

misspelled11Only 23 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support healthcare for all.

“I was sick and you looked after me….I tell you the truth, whatever you do the least of my brothers, you also do for me,” Jesus said.

misspelled15“Whatever,” say the Christian Right.

The Bible makes it clear Jesus was a Marxist before Marxism had a name. He distrusted the rich. “It’s easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter Heaven,” forewarned Jesus. The credo of the Beatitudes demonstrated Jesus saw the world in terms of class struggle. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the earth.”

misspelled1But only 18 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support higher taxes on the rich; taxes that benefit the funding of the common good – schools, hospitals, and safety nets for those the capitalist machine leaves downtrodden.

It seems the decline of the mainstream church has apparently allowed the Christian Right to misuse the Gospel to champion unfettered capitalism. For Republicans, “prosperity theology” has replaced the Beatitudes. In this Ayn Randian philosophy, God rewards the faithful with material wealth.

misspelled14On guns, 68 percent of Democrats believe Jesus would support stricter gun laws, whereas only 28 percent of Republicans think likewise.  Swords of the first century were the guns of today. “Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword,” said Jesus. (Matthew 26:52)

On other issues, 9 percent of Republicans said Jesus would support gay marriage, and 6 percent of Republicans said he would support legalized abortion. Forty-three percent said he would support the death penalty for murderers.

misspelled16“The response of right-wing ‘Christians,’ the Tea Party and Republicans in general to the recent influx of kids fleeing abject poverty and violence in their home countries illustrates as nothing else could the hypocrisy inherent in a political movement that lacks the very compassion it is supposedly based upon,” said Dr. Black. ”

teaparty1

Tea Partiers and those on the Christian Right might do well to take some of their own advice to heart

“Consider Matthew 25:31-46 where Jesus said, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ What is it about that statement that these cretins do not understand?”

“What is truly alarming about all this is that the Christian Right seems unable to comprehend, or a shows a blatant willingness to ignore, the very book that they base their religion upon,” said Dr. Black. “It is even more alarming that these people believe that our country was founded on these principles and all Americans should be ruled by them. We should all keep a close watch on this vocal minority of ill-informed and uneducated creatures, for the good of the country and ourselves, lest we one day wake up in some sort of dystopian theocratic oligarchy.”