Tag Archives: humor

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Eight)

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If you are a young dude in training to become a wildlife officer or “Grouper Trooper” in the state of Florida, try not to sleep through “Giant Reptile Apprehension” class. In general it is best to approach dangerous alligators from the ass-end thus avoiding jaws equipped with razor-sharp teeth and with the crushing power of an automobile compactor. It might also be advisable to avoid obstacles such as curbs over which you could trip and thus come face to face with your reptilian adversary.

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Always strive to keep your home as clean as a microchip manufacturing facility. Keep your floors clean by purchasing at least six overpriced and inefficient robotic sweepers. That way a team of two sweepers can be on duty around the clock bumping into things and terrorizing your pets. Attaching high-powered rescue strobe beacons to the robotic devices will help guests avoid tripping over them when they get up to urinate in the middle of the night. So what if your neighbors think they are living next to an indoor airport? Cleanliness should be your first consideration. You never know when a physician may want to conduct a kidney transplant on your kitchen floor.

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If you have reached the point in life where you are rationally weighing the all-important decision as to your lifetime sexual preference, take your time and make a wise choice. Even thinking about having sex with another of your own gender could land you in the “Lake of Fire” for the rest of eternity. All this talk of brain chemistry, biology, and genetics is just a bunch of crap liberals have cooked up to force the gay agenda down our throats. Remember, it’s your choice!

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If a friend or relative is staying in your home and he is scurrying around attempting to make a deadline or get ready for an appointment, pepper him with questions like “Do you know what time it is? What time is your appointment? How long does it take to get there?” Then, make a statement like “You should have started getting ready much earlier.” This will serve the dual purpose of accelerating his slide into insanity while encouraging the procrastinating bastard to plan better next time.

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When hiring a chauffeur it is always best to pick someone who has a solid work record and a stable home life. Remember, your life will be in his hands.

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If you move to a new city, one of the most important decisions you will make will be the choice of a family physician. Choose one who can relate to your mental state and all of your fucked-up obsessions and syndromes. Make sure that the dude will readily prescribe the narcotics you so desperately need in order to function in society.

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When choosing a place to worship in your new town, be sure to visit several compounds before making a final decision. Don’t be too particular about belief systems; just make sure the pastor is charismatic and fun to be around. You don’t want to get bored.

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If you are a young person and have yet to decide on your drug of choice, don’t waste time with gateway drugs. You are only given a brief time on this planet so get with the program! Pot and alcohol are for chicken-shit pansies. Opt instead for something that will really kick your ass and is easy to obtain or manufacture at home. For God’s sake enjoy yourself before you get old and decrepit.

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If you have the attention span of a squirrel on amphetamines and tend to get on some people’s nerves, then for Christ’s sake see a physician and get a script for Valium or Xanax so that those of us who love you won’t some day be charged with manslaughter.

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If you are a dog catcher for a canine concentration camp that murders innocents, just what in the fuck is wrong with you anyway? I can personally think of thousands of people who should be scooped up and taken away before the first dog should be harmed. Do us all a favor and drive your truck into a swamp. By the way, you are even less popular than President Obama or the U.S. Congress. Your best bet is to gas yourself as soon as you can find the time.

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Instead of hiring overpriced lazy ass repairmen to work in your home, get a couple of books on-line and do all of your own home repairs, especially easy to fix items such as electrical wiring. Remember, every penny you save can be used to pay for emergency room visits.

Management tip of the week: If you thrive on pettiness and the enforcement of absolutely senseless rules, choose a career as a corrections officer. It is a thankless job with low pay and high risk, but the benefits are alright, there will be opportunities for graft,  and it will make you feel good to know that you around people who are even more miserable than yourself.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Flight 370 Shocker! Malaysian Airliner Now Believed To Have Crashed Into The Fucking Ocean!

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Southern Ocean

KUALA LUMPUR-Malaysian government officials have announced that the most unlikely and shocking scenario regarding the fate of Flight 370 has now become a reality. The location of the missing aircraft has now been narrowed down to somewhere within the vast ocean depths of the southern hemisphere. This pinpoint analysis has been made possible by a re-examination of satellite and radar data by people who actually know what the fuck they are doing. The data indicates that the flight ended with the aircraft plunging into the sea somewhere in the remote regions of the Indian Ocean. This wild and crazy conclusion has been backed up by

Sean Hannity stubbornly insists the plane is in a secret “Batcave” in Pakistan or Iran

multiple sightings of debris floating on the surface. Objects have been sighted by crews of both Chinese Iluyshin IL-76 and Royal Australian P3 Orion (built by Lockheed, not Boeing) search aircraft flying over the remote area.

Confused and incredulous anchors on cable outlets all over the world became even more incoherent than usual as they breathlessly reported the new information. However, instead of moving on to other minor stories, such as the imminent threat of a third world war being fought over control of Ukraine, Modavia, or the Baltic countries, news anchors and pundits began the next round of seemingly endless speculations. Indeed, some anchors flatly refused to believe that their vacuous pet theories could be wrong.

Syndicated talk show host, Fox News anchor, and revered intellectual Sean Hannity declared, “I don’t give a damn what the Malaysians say, they’re a bunch of socialists. My sources tell me that the aircraft is in an underground hangar somewhere in Pakistan or Iran.” Hannity went on to rave, “This has all the hallmarks of another Obama conspiracy and cover-up, and I’m convinced that Hillary is the mastermind behind it. I think that some of the president’s Muslim buddies hijacked the plane and are going to use it as a weapon against us sometime in the near future. Maybe during the midterms. It’ll make Benghazi look like child’s play!”

Meanwhile, Great van Sustern chose to emphasize the link between the plane’s disappearance and Obamacare. “The people on that

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Greta emphasized that the loss of the plane and every other unfortunate incident on earth inevitably leads back to Obamacare

plane would have been much better off with private health care rather than the state health care system in China, which is identical to Obamacare. The Affordable Health Care Act is, as we all know, is the very embodiment of evil. The ill-advised attempt to something as vile and heinous as providing health care for the poor is going to lead inevitably lead to the collapse of modern civilization. Insects will once again rule the planet.”

In Beijing reaction to the new revelations was equally unhinged. Irrational and perturbed relatives of the deceased passengers marched to the Malaysian Embassy where they hurled plastic water bottles, tried to rush the gates, and chanted “Liars!” The relatives were wearing t-shirts which said, “Let’s Pray for Flight 370,” (as if that could do any good at this point) and demanding that the Malaysian authorities “tell the truth” and return their relatives unharmed.

That last demand is going to be just a little difficult to fulfill. Apparently the angry relatives have been watching too much Fox News and think there is some sort of hideously complex conspiracy afoot. It’s a damn good thing China is not ruled by Vladimir Putin or armored columns would even now be approaching the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur.

Although the recent revelations by authorities regarding further analysis of the data and the sighting of debris have given us a good

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Megyn Kelly was too busy groveling in front of Bill O’Reilly to offer her thoughts on the new announcements

idea of Flight 370′s terminus, we can look forward with great glee to weeks worth of speculation of just what caused the unfortunate incident. One of the fabulous things about modern technology in the form of cable news, the internet, and social media is that one can get a real education on just how irrational and ignorant many members of our species really are. If nothing else it makes for excellent entertainment.

German Customs Officials Seize Shipment Of Papal Blow

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Pope Francis beseeches the laity to pitch in and help the Holy See through this “rough spot” by dropping off what they can with their local parish priest

VATICAN CITY-The German weekly newspaper Gild am Sonntag reported yesterday that 340 grams of cocaine bound for the Vatican was seized by German customs officials in Leipzig. The officers found the high-quality Peruvian marching powder packed into 14 condoms hidden inside a shipment of comfortable and stylish seat cushions. The shipment of “soft cushions” was addressed only to the Vatican post office, meaning any one of the 800 permanent residents of Vatican City could have picked it up.

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Cardinal Fang led a team of “crack” Swiss Guards on a failed sting operation outside the Vatican post office

After German authorities contacted Vatican police and told them of the discovery, a sting operation was set up under very tight security. The 99% pure yayo was removed from the cushions and placed under guard in Leipzig. Meanwhile, an experienced team of Swiss Guards under the command of Cardinal Fang was assigned to observe the post office and capture the recipient of the shipment when he attempted to pick it up. “We are not that concerned with the nose candy, but the use of condoms is strictly forbidden and could lead to torture and excommunication,” said Cardinal Fang. “We may have to resort to using the ‘comfy chair.'”

However, the operation was called off three weeks later since no one ever appeared to collect the cushions. German officials believe that someone inside the Vatican tipped off the would-be snorter. Cardinal Fang reacted with righteous indignation to the suggestion that information had leaked from the nostrils of his task force. He vehemently insisted that “Nooooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

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Archbishop of Miami Tony Montana donated 250 grams of pure California cornflakes to the cause and pledged to throw the German custom officials out of a helicopter

A source from within the close-knit College of Cardinals, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed regret that the shipment was seized in the first place. “We are really gonna miss that shipment. A whole week’s worth of dope flushed down the drain. You know it’s damn hard work saving souls and feeding the less fortunate. How in the hell do think His Holiness is able to spend his nights working in soup kitchens after all day at the office? The man is 77 years old, after all. Furthermore, I don’t know what idiot decided to route that stuff through Leipzig anyway. Everybody knows how anal German customs officials are.”

Appeals have been made to the pious to help the Vatican get over the shortfall in supply. Donations are pouring in from all over Sicily and as far away as Amsterdam and even Bogata. Archbishop Tony Montana of Miami, for instance, pledged 250 grams of pure powder from a stash he has hidden “close by.”

It seems that the faithful have taken the Pope’s pleas for a more humane and giving form of capitalism quite seriously.

Bay County Sheriff’s Department Holds Fundraiser For Officers Injured In The Line Of Duty While Using “Advanced Interrogation Techniques”

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Sheriff’s deputies competed in a variety of fun events such as the 100 meter freestyle

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Bay County Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Captain Arnold Porker

PANAMA CITY BEACH, FL-The annual fundraiser for Bay County deputies injured while beating or water-boarding teenage suspects was held yesterday at the new Panama City Beach Bovine and Even-Toed Ungulate Water Park. The new park is located on the beach just adjacent to the locally famous Fran’s Pig-N-Whistle barbecue restaurant. The event is held during spring break each year so that residents from other states can attend and be made aware of the problems that occur when teenagers fight back while being abused.

The event was sponsored this year by the Florida Chapter of the Patrolman’s Malevolent Association, the National Union of Bad Lieutenants, and the Dirty and Corrupt Politician’s League. Festivities began at 10 A.M. and lasted until well after dusk. “Run Through A Horse” brand draft beer was available as well as a variety soft drinks for the kids. Free snacks were provided by Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme.

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Deputy Cob R. Roller won the 200 meter ungulate butterfly stroke competition

Healthy deputies from Bay and surrounding counties participated in a variety of sports competitions to the absolute delight of the civilian crowd. Both water and land competitions were held over an eight-hour shift. Over $5000 was raised to help injured officers pay expensive hospital bills. The event is a godsend for officer’s families because injuries sustained in course of corrupt and illegal acts are not covered by the county or even by Obamacare.

Master of ceremonies for the event this year was none other than George Zimmerman. Mr. Zimmerman, out on bond from the latest string of petty crimes he committed last month, did an admirable job commentating on the various athletic competitions. Some said he did an even better job than Bob Costas at the Olympics.

A pig dives into water in Ningxiang county

Deputy Billy Joe Stinker dominated the diving competition

“We really hit a home run this year,” said Captain Arnold Porker, spokesman for the department. “Most folks just don’t realize how dangerous it is to torture suspects, especially teenage males. One of our officers had his ear bitten off by an unruly spring breaker while he was holding him suspended off the eighth floor balcony of the Holiday Inn. Another almost drowned when he was water-boarding this cheerleader from Tennessee and her football player boyfriends came to her rescue. It’s a real jungle out there.”

Bay County Sheriff Buford T. Fatback presided over the event and pronounced it a great success. “I just want the public to know how much we appreciate you all chipping in to help our wounded swine. Without your help police brutality would be set back years, if not decades.”

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Members of the general public were thrilled to be allowed to jump in the Gulf of Mexico with some of the law enforcement officers. “I never knew cops could swim!” said Jenny Owens of Nashville.

Captain Porker told assembled reporters that the event will be even larger next year. “We intend to invite some of our unscrupulous and dishonorable colleagues from other states and from federal agencies such as the DEA, the ATF, and the CIA. We have already lined up some wealthy new sponsors such as the Bribable Judges Coalition and the Venal Prosecutor’s Guild. One day we hope to make this a national event and even have our own web page!”

Rose pigs.

Romance was in the air as the sun set on yet another successful fundraiser for our hard-working Bay County cops

Bay County politicians are already in the process of using eminent domain laws, blackmail, and intimidation to seize properties adjacent to the park so that it can be expanded to accommodate the expected larger crowds in coming years.

Obama To Joint Chiefs: Initiate Plan Pink For Rapid Pussification Of U.S Military

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THE WAR ROOM CONFERENCE DR. STRANGELOVE: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB (1964)

President Obama met with the Joint Chiefs of Staff in the War Room of the Pentagon late Friday afternoon

WASHINGTON-At a Pentagon meeting late Friday afternoon, President Obama ordered the Joint Chiefs of Staff to initiate “Plan Pink,” a variation on a French war plan which calls for all our armed forces in eastern Europe to assume a submissive and cooperative attitude in the event of a Russian invasion of eastern Ukraine. The plan calls for all branches of the military to act in a “subservient and compliant” manner towards any Russian ships, aircraft, or armored columns they might encounter.

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U.S. troops offload supplies of potable water to be given to the columns of thirsty Russian foot soldiers

The plan also calls for highly experienced French officers to act as advisors to the Ukrainian armed forces as they warmly greet the advancing Russian forces. “Proper surrender etiquette must be followed at all times,” said French General Renee Acquiesce. “The last thing we want is any shooting in the name of patriotism. That’s how people get hurt.”

Emergency supplies of water and MRE’s are being airlifted into Kiev where they will be distributed to strategic points along the expected route of the Russian advance. Ukrainian troops and their Allied advisors will be distributing the much-needed supplies to weary Russian tankers and footsoldiers as they race toward the capital.

Dr Strangelove 5

General “Buck” Turgidson was the only dissenter among the Joint Chiefs. Instead General Turgidson backed a plan that would turn Russia into a glowing heap of radioactive debris

The Joint Chiefs greeted the news of President Obama’s decision with almost uniform relief. “We have the most technologically advanced and expensive military in the world. It would be a damn shame to get it shot up over a little thing like the subjugation of a fledgling democracy trying to shed the yoke of Russian imperialism,” said General Frank Timorous. “Besides, I don’t think there’s any oil there anyway, is there?”

There was only one dissenting vote on the plan, and that was made by U.S. Air Force General “Buck” Turgidson. General Turgidson became rather perturbed with the president when he heard his plans. He told the president that he should show a little more concern for the Ukrainian people than with his image in the history books. General Turgidson instead backed a plan called “Operation Drop Kick” in which the U.S. would conduct a surprise full-scale nuclear attack on Russia and her allies. General Turginson told the assembled officials that although we would suffer some minor damage to our infrastructure and a few casualties from Russian nuclear retaliation, he guaranteed that the death toll of Americans would be minimal. General Turgidson said, “Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say that no more than ten to twenty million Americans will be killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.”

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Mr. Putin assured Mr. Obama of Russia’s benign intentions during a photo shoot for the cover of Modern Cossack magazine

Despite General Turgidson’s rosy predictions, President Obama insisted on going with “Plan Pink.” He addressed reporters in the Pentagon briefing room before returning to the White House to pack for his upcoming vacation.

“I want to make one thing perfectly clear from the outset of this operation,” said Mr. Obama. ” The U.S. military is not going to get involved in war with another country that can put up any kind of a fight. I mean, we spend hundreds of billions of dollars every year on the military and various intelligence agencies, and we are not going to divert them from the critical tasks of blowing up Yemeni wedding parties and spying on our own citizens. If the citizens of Ukraine want to get all crazy and demand the right to vote, well then that’s their business. President Putin has assured me over the phone that he will do what is right and offer free health care to any Ukrainian who will sign a loyalty pledge to Mother Russia. That’s a pretty big incentive in my book.”

“Daddy, Why Are Dogs So Much Better Than Human Beings?”

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Millie

“Daddy, why are dogs so much better than human beings?”

“Because son, dogs aren’t raised to look down on other dogs or people because they are of a different race, religion, social status, or because they are poor. Besides, dogs are able to lick their own genitals, which reduces stress and makes life much less complex.”

“Thanks Dad. That makes perfect sense.”

“Anytime, son.”

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”

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Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Iraqi Freedom

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”

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General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles,chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, and serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.

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In the Spirit of the Season, Satan Offers Fox News Anchors Blanket Amnesty

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Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, offered to pardon every Fox News anchor and pundit today if they solemnly swear to never mention Obamacare again. Each television personality would be granted immunity for all other sins and be given free passage to Heaven upon death, and the Prince of Darkness would give up all rights to their eternal souls.

It seems that Mephistopheles and his lieutenants have been driven to distraction by the incessant round-the-clock drumbeat of inane and preposterous criticism about Obamacare.

At a press conference on the banks of the River Styx, Hades Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told a gathering of reporters and other condemned souls that “His Majesty is simply fed up and has had enough. For millennia we have always been the ‘go-to’ guys for torment, agony, suffering and hopelessness. Now here come these upstarts on a television network trying to ‘horn-in’ on our turf!” Balthazar continued, “However, let it be known that there’s no ‘War on Christmas’ down here, and as vile as these creatures are, His Majesty is willing to give them a second chance. From pompous Bill O’Reilly to hysterical Megyn Kelly, they all have the opportunity to do what is right and shut the hell up about Obamacare.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, added, “We tried sending a ‘cease and desist’ order but it had no effect because Fox has no respect for the law. Apparently these people are so bent on denying health care to the poor that they will stop at nothing. I’ve never seen such a lack of compassion. It makes us look like a bunch of amateurs.”

Keres, hideous she-demon of violent death and disease, was also present at the press conference. “Look, I’m somewhat of an expert on health care. It’s my job to tear souls out of the dying, so I know what I’m talking about, and no health care system could be half as bad as what Greta Van Susteren describes on her show. And that idiot Sean Hannity, I’d rather rip my own head off rather than hear his vacuous arguments.”

Lord Balthazar emphasized that this was a one time deal and the agreements had to be signed by the end of the calendar year in order to be valid.

At the close of the presser Horkos was given a stack of Fed Ex envelopes and told by Balthazar to deliver the personalized contracts to each Fox anchor and pundit by the close of business today. No official word was given on what action Beelzebub will take if the agreements are rejected, but our sources in the Underworld tell us that as a last resort the Devil would offer Fox News employees lucrative positions in Purgatory tormenting the impure.

Fossil Discovery in Northwest Florida Could Shed Light on Human Evolution

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neanderthal3

An almost intact hominid skeleton unearthed near DeFuniak Springs, Florida could offer explanations for some of the most puzzling questions confronting paleoanthropologists working on Cretonian evolution.The fossilized remains were discovered at a Wal-Mart construction site earlier this week by a group of Hispanic workers press-ganged into service by unscrupulous developers. According to some archeologists the remains have the potential to explain the paradoxes apparent to anyone who takes more than fleeting glance at modern Florida.

For decades scientists have been puzzled by the enigma that is Florida. The state has tremendous potential, featuring beautiful beaches, a highly diverse ecosystem, and an ideal climate. It also provides ample opportunity for many strong industries, such as agriculture, construction,  international trade, space exploration, and of course tourism, to name a few. All of these industries help Florida produce a gross state domestic product of around  800 billion dollars per year.

With a population of almost 20 million combined its temperate climate and strong industry, one would think that Florida would be a crucible of human progress. However, Americans are continually treated to news stories out of the state featuring the bizarre behavior of its citizens, the antics of its reactionary conservative politicians, the prominence of primitive religious beliefs within the population, its labyrinthine set of laws and regulations, and last but not least, its nearly medieval criminal justice system. From leaving infants in cars while Daddy is in the strip club, to cookouts fueled by copies of the Quran, to devouring a bystander’s face on the side of the interstate, to hanging chads, the idiocy in Florida just keeps on coming. But why?

Dr. John Many Jars and Professor John YaYa think they have the answer. They were part of the team that examined the desiccated remains found at the Wal-Mart site. The skeleton was removed from the construction site with a front end loader and whisked out-of-state to an undisclosed research laboratory. This precaution was deemed necessary because of the history of vandalism at Florida archeological digs by religious zealots out to destroy any evidence of human evolution.

Dr. Jars revealed some shocking facts regarding the find. “What we have here is a totally new species. We want to emphasize that this is not a Homo sapiens at all. It averaged around five feet tall, walked upright, and apparently lived in the swamps of Florida and south Georgia before Caucasians arrived in North America, and never interbred with the Native American population. However, a quick analysis has shown evidence of a significant amount of its DNA in many Floridians, which means at some point the early European settlers in this area ‘got together’ with these creatures.”

Professor YaYa added, “The species is unusual in that it had huge webbed feet to aid it in transiting swamps, ponds and lakes. It also had extremely long arms with which to climb palms and other trees, presumably to flee predators or forage for food in the treetops. However, the most significant characteristic of the hominid was an extremely small brain case.”

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A current Floridian hard at work cooking meth in his trailer

Dr. Jars jumped in: “Right. This species was apparently dumb as a board, which no doubt contributed to its extinction. But the important point here is that the interbreeding with this guy that occurred long ago almost certainly accounts for some the imbecilic behavior, dimwitted laws and archaic traditions we see in Florida today.”

Although many tests remain to be done, the initial conclusions made by Jars and YaYa have been confirmed by other scientists. We will no doubt learn much more about this exciting discovery for decades to come. Although dubbed “DeFuniak Man” by the press, the scientific name for this new species will be Homo moronus.

Popes Gone Wild! (Holiday Edition)

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pope francis

Pope Francis went out of his ecclesiastical mind last week by suggesting in his Evangelii Gaudium that Christians should actually live according to the teachings of Christ. Among other things, the Pope criticized the excessive greed associated with unfettered capitalism.

The Pope has recently exhibited other forms of instability by stating that we should show compassion for the poor and accept as equals those of other faiths and lifestyles. He is also rumored to participate in questionable nocturnal activities such as ministering to homeless people in soup kitchens and on the street while dressed as a common priest.

All of this finally became too much for good Christians to bear, and veritable hail of brimstone erupted from the mouths of conservative pundits and pro capitalist ministers across America.

Rush Limbaugh (net worth 370-400 million) was first to pontificate over the Apostolic Exhortation. He essentially called the Pope a dimwit who was unable to understand classic economic theory. He also called the document “pure Marxism.” Limbaugh, borrowing a page from Glenn Beck’s book, blamed it on a conspiracy, stating “somebody has either written this for him or gotten to him.”  Next week Limbaugh plans a thorough explanation of why gluttony is not really a sin.

Next to jump on the creaky, unstable conservative bandwagon was Jonathon Moseley, a well-known Virginia defense attorney and Tea Party kook. Mr. Moseley made it clear that Jesus supports capitalism and was mortified by the Pope’s most recent antics. He informed us that “Jesus was weeping in heaven” over the Evangelii Gaudium. “Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist” he said. In the same article, Moseley stated that “the consumer is king,” which is somewhat confusing to those of us who have been taught all our lives that Christ was King.

In the past Mr. Moseley has enlightened us with Jesus’ opinions on a wide range of political topics, including but not limited to Obamacare, immigration reform, gay marriage, and the capital gains tax. He “has it on good authority” that Jesus founded the Northern Nazareth Chapter of the Tea Party 2000 years ago and agrees with 95% of its current political stances.  Moseley is apparently one of the very few in human history blessed with a direct conduit to the Almighty, much like Joan of Arc. However, unlike Joan who saw visions of Christ, Moseley receives his insider info on a Dick Tracy-style wrist communicator with a built-in magic decoder ring.

Thanks to Limbaugh, Moseley, and a horde of capitalistic ministries, Christians world-wide can rest easy with the tried and true “lip service on Sunday, unbridled greed and hateful rhetoric during the week” method of religious worship.

In fact, the Right Reverend Vince Snetterton Lewis, best-selling author of “Christianity for Fun and Profit” and leader of  Our Lady of  Laissez Faire Ministries in Tampa Florida, stated “Jesus, if he were alive today, probably would run a hedge fund or be the CEO of  a massive corporation. He was a strong proponent of wealth in all its forms. No way would he support all the safety nets for the poor we have in this country!” Lewis continued, “We plan on issuing our own proclamation, the ‘Dineros Maximus’ refuting all this Papal nonsense. Happily, it will be  just in time for the Christmas shopping season.”

Needless to say none of these cretins would recognize Jesus Christ if he were standing directly in front of them. One can only hope that if Jesus ever does return to earth he will fly into Sea Tac and limit his ministry to the Pacific Northwest. Otherwise he would be jailed and eventually be committed to an insane asylum.