Tag Archives: humor

An Obamacare Holiday Massacre

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Fox News interrupted coverage of the mythical “War on Christmas” today to report the latest in a long line of Obamacare atrocities.The report, if corroborated by actual news organizations, could deal a heavy blow to the new health care system.

Starship Captain and cutting edge investigative reporter Shepherd Smith reported a huge loss of life associated with the healthcare.gov website. Hundreds of thousands if not millions of innocents lost their lives in the run up to Thanksgiving because of a software “glitch” on the site. “They had logged on seeking health insurance for their families and instead were rerouted to the dreaded ‘Death Panel’  page, where they were immediately condemned,” said Smith. “These poults never had a chance,” Smith continued, “they were rounded up, executed, and became the main course in households across the country on Thanksgiving Day.”

Smith featured an interview on his program with Sean Hannity, Fox’s ace debater and insightful intellectual. Hannity revealed an even more shocking aspect of the disaster. “My sources have informed me that some of these innocent young turkeys had knowledge of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in the Benghazi abomination, and were threatening to expose her,” said Hannity. “This is an insidious conspiracy that reaches the highest levels of government, and we intend to spend the next eight or nine months speculating about it on my show.”

Representative Michele Bachman, who vociferously warned her constituents about these “Death Panels”, was unavailable for comment as she was attending a Tea Party sponsored “Origin of the Species” book burning festival at the Texas Board of Education along with Senator Ted Cruz.

Iran Annexes The Sudetenland

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Only minutes after the Iran nuclear deal was inked, elements of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard marched into the Sudetenland, apparently in an effort to annex the area as Iranian soil.

“President Obama promised us territorial gains if we promised not to make bombs,” said President Hassan Rouhani of Iran. “We figured we would start small and work our way up. We also have our eyes on Luxemburg, Poland, and possibly The Channel Islands.” He continued, “It’s really a win, win, win for everyone involved. The citizens of these new Iranian territories will receive free religious education and military training, we will gain valuable new real estate in Europe, and President Obama will get the American people off his back about that stupid website.”

Conservative pundits in the United States decried the agreement as being one of the worst ever made. At Fox News, the normally copious supply of blood pressure medication was consumed in minutes.

Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia stated “This agreement and the subsequent actions of the Revolutionary Guard are unconscionable. It just goes to show how far the Obama Administration will go to take the spotlight off the healthcare debacle.” He continued, “No one thinks that the Iranians will stop with the Sudetenland. They have mentioned other territory they covet for “living space” for their people. In fact, the CIA has discovered plans for an Iranian invasion of Ukraine after the winter snows abate. Furthermore, we have it on good authority that the Iranian diplomats were wearing explosive vests during the negotiations.”

At this point, Sarah Palin, who was visiting Senator Chambliss, chimed in: “If this keeps up, I’ll be able to see Iran from my home in Alaska!” Chambliss just rolled his eyes.

Secretary of State John Kerry downplayed Chambliss’ criticisms and those of conservative pundits. “This is an agreement that will guarantee ‘Peace with Honor.’ We won’t have to worry about the Iranian nuclear threat for a long while, or at least for a few weeks. Besides, who ever heard of the Sudetenland anyway?”

Florida Bill Makes Poverty A Felony

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As the 2014 gubernatorial race starts to heat up, a bill is working its way through the Florida legislature that would make it a felony offense to earn less than $25,000.00 per year. The bill will also place those with minority racial status on probation.

In 2011, Florida effectively disenfranchised 1.5 million citizens with a  new restrictive voting law. The law prohibits anyone ever convicted of a felony from voting in local, state or federal elections. Commenting on the situation, Governor Rick Scott stated “We really got on the right track in 2011, and this new bill should put us over the top.” When asked what he meant, Scott replied “Well, we certainly don’t want to risk uncertainty in the election process by allowing criminals to vote, and since most crime is committed by the poor and minorities, this new law just takes the next logical step. The bill will prevent undesirables from participating in the election process.”

One of the chief sponsors of the bill, Representative Billy Bob McSneed, a Republican from Panama City, stated “All these minorities, many of them illegal, are taking our jobs and threatening our way of life down here. By placing them on probation, we can better control ’em and stop all the election fraud. Hell, it’s bad enough that we let ’em drive.”

Election fraud in Florida has reached enormous proportions in Florida over the last decade, according to the Florida Republican Central Committee. McSneed supplied us with documents proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that there have been at least three dozen cases of individuals voting illegally in Florida over the last ten years.

“We live in state where 36 votes could tip the balance, McSneed said. The only logical thing to do is attack the root of the disease, not the symptoms, and the root of the disease is poor people, minorities, and poor minorities.”

When asked how many citizens of the state that this bill would disenfranchise, Governor Scott replied, “We have no idea, but the vast majority of them will be Democrats, and that’s all that matters.”

Challenges to the new bill’s constitutionality will no doubt be numerous. However, given the current glut of challenges in Florida’s courts challenging other demented laws passed by the legislature, any decision will be slow in coming and probably will occur post-election.

Reached for comment was Representative Barbara Hernandez, Democrat from Miami. She stated, “I am currently trying to decide whether to hang myself or move to a more open society. Maybe Cuba or North Korea.”