Tag Archives: illegal immigration

El Chapo Announces For President; Joins Already Crowded GOP Field

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MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – El Chapo Guzman, Mexican radio personality and part-time cartel leader, paused during his escape yesterday to announce that he was throwing his cap in the ring for president of the United States.

Guzman embarrassed Mexican authorities on Sunday by slipping into a shaft through the shower floor of his prison cell and escaping through a mile-long, ventilated tunnel outfitted with a motorbike.

Guzman paused at the end of the tunnel long enough to tell reporters that he was joining the presidential race in the U.S. because he felt that someone needed to do something about the millions of illegal immigrants pouring over the border into America each year. He also hopes that he will be able to facilitate trade “of all sorts” between the United States and his native Mexico.

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In less than 24 hours Guzman has raised more cash than any of his rivals in the GOP field. “He’s definitely got the Benjamins to make this a real horse race,” said Charles Krauthammer.

“I’ve been worried about the problem of illegal immigration for many years,” said El Chapo, as he calmly executed members of his tunneling staff because they failed to air condition the escape shaft. “The failure of Congress to come up with a comprehensive immigration bill is an embarrassment to both parties, and something has to be done.”

Guzman’s entry into the race on the Republican side has raised some eyebrows with law enforcement but most Republican pundits around the country see it as a positive development.

Charles Krauthammer told Fox News viewers that “Guzman’s entry into the race will be a positive thing for the party. His outstanding organizational skills and determination to get things done, even when faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, will serve him well. I also think that his generosity towards the poor will soften the face of the GOP, which as we all know suffers from a lack of empathy for anyone who makes less than $250,000 per year.”

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Guzman campaign posters are already going up all over the country. They are designed to appeal to America’s oppressed minorities as well as members of the NRA.

Former U.S. drug enforcement officials said they had feared Guzman would quickly retake control of the Sinaloa cartel, which reaches deep into the United States and far around the world. They were relieved to hear that he will only be joining the current bunch of crooks currently running for president.

Barry McCaffrey, former director of the U.S. Office of National Drug Control Policy and an NBC News analyst, said Guzman would probably not leave Mexico unless he wins the nomination.

“He’s safest there,” McCaffrey said on Today. “I mean, entire police departments have been bought, along with hotel and casino chains formerly owned by Donald Trump. I think he’ll hang tight until his poll numbers rise.”

The entire Mexican army and federal police force, as well as numerous local agencies, are currently searching for Guzman. Officially his whereabouts remain unknown despite the fact that he was seen having coffee at the Ritz Carlton Mexico City this morning with General Antonio “Montana” Hernandez.

 

Republicans Propose Radically Different Immigration Reform Plan

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severedhead

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Outraged by President Obama’s executive orders on immigration, Republican lawmakers, with the full support of their right-wing Christian base, have proposed a different plan to deal with the almost five million undocumented immigrants currently residing in the United States.

The plan calls for a significant percentage of the “illegals” to be executed immediately as a terrifying example to all those wishing to enter this country in search of a better life. The remainder of the “shiftless job-stealing cretins” would be rounded up and forced back across the border at gunpoint.

Possibly the most ambitious part of the proposal calls for a 20 foot high wall adorned with pikes to be built along our southern border. The severed heads of those trying to cross the border illegally would be placed on the decorative pikes as a reminder to those who would try to enter in the future.

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The new Republican proposal would include a 20 foot high wall along our southern border adorned with severed heads in order to stress the fact that America was founded on “Christian principles.”

Nan Hypocritus, president and managing director of Christians Against Compassion and Empathy, an anti-immigrant group, told Reuters that her group was incredulous that President Obama would take such drastic unilateral action so close to the holidays.

“Thanksgiving is just next week, and Christmas is just around the corner!” said Hypocritus. “How dare he throw a wrench into the sacred holiday season by showing love and compassion to a group of brown people? We Christians have better things to do than worry about protecting immigrants from being torn away from their families and deported to God knows where! We have shopping to do and we are just getting geared up to act like a persecuted minority over the whole ‘War On Christmas’ fantasy! This is just outrageous!”

Although similar executive actions regarding immigration were taken by Republican presidents in the past, G.O.P. leaders are beside themselves over Obama’s orders and vow to make the new proposal law in the near future.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has lumped the new “Final Solution” Immigration Reform Bill in with an omnibus spending package that also features the repeal of Obamacare, mandatory fracking in national parks, the elimination of the EPA and the Department of Education, and the death penalty for Hillary Clinton for her role in the Benghazi conspiracy.

 

 

 

 

Dickerson Signs Non-Aggression Pact With Scorpions

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held Friday at Billy Bob McSneed’s Barbecue and Assault Weapon Repair in Ducktown, TN., Marvin V. Carolinianus, patriarch of the ruling tribe of scorpions in the area, announced a groundbreaking treaty signed with the owner of Cabin Anthrax, Jerry Dickerson.

The treaty is believed to be the first of its kind signed between a member of Homo sapiens and a family of predatory arthropods.

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Our regular readers may remember Dickerson as the founder of the philosophy of “masterly inactivity” made famous by its adoption by the Republican House in 2009. He was not enthusiastic about our 9 AM interview. “I told you fucktards not to show up until after lunch. No one should be made to wake up until after the postman makes his rounds, you idiots!” said Dickerson

Although details have yet to be published, Dickerson outlined the basics for our ace reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.

“Well, Bruce, after a long and exhausting guerrilla war I think both sides were ready for a truce. The agreement calls for a halt to the hit-and-run tactics practiced by the scorpions that interfered with my nocturnal trips to the bathroom and the cabinet in the kitchen where I store the fig newtons,” said Dickerson. “For weeks I never knew when one of those little dudes would rush out from under the oven and sting the shit out of one of my petite and attractive feet.”

“In return, I have promised to allow the little guys free rein to run around the cabin and eat all the spiders, centipedes, and insects that their little hearts desire. But more importantly, I agreed to stop deporting the illegal young scorpions back across the border into the woods around the house. After Marvin told me about the dangerous conditions in the woods and the abject poverty faced by the young scorpions, how could I object?”

Bruce also interviewed Marvin after sunset from the safety of a dark broom closet.

“We think we have negotiated a great deal here,” said Marvin. “Just because we are a different species you egotistical humans should never underrate our ability to haggle. Late one night one of our scout teams climbed one of Dickerson’s bookshelves and were able to determine from his library and his DVD collection that Dickerson was not only an atheist, but a dyed-in-the-wool bleeding heart liberal.”

“We successfully used that bit of intelligence to feed him some cock-and-bull story about how tough it was for us out in the wild. It had the desired effect of making him feel sorry for our young out there in the ‘real world.’ So now not only have the deportations stopped, but we get to run around murdering and devouring helpless insects and those sub-arthropod arachnids! It’s a win-win for us.”

Other arthropod activist groups have shown keen interest in signing their own treaties with humans. Francis “Segmented” Smith, leader of a tribe of assassin bugs, told the A.P. that they are currently negotiating with the Turtletown Gardeners Club.

Bobby Joe “Bulbous” Baxter, president of the Sunburst Diving Beetle Benevolent Association represents a species of strong-swimming Dytiscid beetles that prey on a variety of aquatic animals by tearing them to shreds with their powerful mandibles. “We feel that we are misunderstood by most humans,” said Baxter. “We’d really like to educate people about life in the water and just how tough it is. We’re confident we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement at some point down the line.”

 

 

 

 

 

FAA Bans Flights Into Houston After Open Carry Texas Takes Delivery On Russian Buk Missile System

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buk

After passing through customs in New Orleans, the few members of the organization who had valid licenses took turns driving the vehicle to the Texas Gulf Coast where it was test fired

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The FAA has banned all flights into and out of Houston’s Hobby and Bush Intercontinental Airports, citing the presence of dangerous Russian-made anti-aircraft missile batteries in the general area.

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The president of Open Carry Texas, C. J. “Small Schlong” Grisham, (seen here relaxing in his bunker) told Fox News that the new missile system would not be used until the outbreak of the inevitable race war in America, or if it became apparent that refugee kids were catching flights into the U.S. via Mexico City.

The airspace in Houston extending out up to 100 miles was closed yesterday after authorities were informed that the pro 2nd Amendment group “Open Carry Texas,” better known to the rest of the country as “A Confederacy of Dunces,” had acquired a Russian army surplus Buk missile system and it had been driven to the nearby Gulf Coast for “testing and training.”

“We’ve all seen what one of these missile systems can do when in the hands of a bunch of drunken Russian rednecks,” said a spokesman for the FAA. “We see no reason to believe that the outcome would be any different when the system is manned by a bunch of our very own drunken rednecks. We decided to err on the side of caution, and we apologize for any inconvenience to air travelers,” said the spokesman.

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A crack team of professionals from Open Carry are testing and training on the new air-defense system

During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show, the president of Open Carry Texas, C.J. “Small Schlong” Grisham protested that Open Carry Texas was a peaceful organization dedicated to the “exercise and protection of our 2nd Amendment rights, rights that are in danger of being revoked by the Obama administration and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids through the heinous use of flouride in our nation’s water supply.”

“It’s only a matter of time before we see foreigners in blue helmets marching up Pennsylvania Avenue,” said Grisham, as he chugged a glass of refreshing rainwater and pure grain alcohol.

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The team of simpletons from Open Carry conducted tests of the system on a public beach packed with vacationing families

Testing of the new system went ahead without the benefit of a team of Russian instructors sent by the Putin administration. The Russian advisers, who had the formidable task of training a bunch of borderline imbeciles to operate an advanced air-defense system, were detained after trashing a bar at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

The Russian team apparently got out of control after imbibing an entire case of Don Cossack Vodka.

“Them Russkies sure know how to party!” said Daisy Airhead, a barmaid at the Drunken Bull Cattle Company on the international concourse. “They was taking off their shirts and doing some kinda crazy dance on top of the bar and all the tables. They was jumpin’ up and down like Messican jumpin’ beans! One of them promised to marry me after they get out of jail. I can’t wait!”

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Minuteman founder Jim “Shrunken Sack” Gilchrist is a strong supporter of the patriots at Open Carry and has offered his support for more arms acquisitions

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Rosie “Hepatitis C” Gilchrist, Jim’s sister, is engaged to be married to Open Carry’s Grisham

After an arduous journey from New Orleans, the launcher was set up on a beach near Galveston Island and the completely ignorant and untrained personnel from Open Carry launched a few missiles “just for fun.”

The first missile took out a flight of endangered pelicans in route to nesting grounds further up the coast. Grisham justified the murder of the birds to Sean Hannity by saying, “Those pelicans were in fact cartel drug mules transporting heroin across the border in the pouches attached to their lower mandibles.”

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Activities at the much-anticipated convention in Dallas will include mock lynchings and a gala barbecue and horseshoe contest on the “Grassy Knoll”

The gullible Hannity accepted the explanation but required clarification as to exactly what a “mandible” was.

The second missile loosed by the team of schmucks zoomed over the Gulf in an erratic flight that ended with a detonation over a British Petroleum oil platform, which was set ablaze.

A third missile misfired at first but then careened wildly down the beach taking out several vacationing families before exploding in a barbecue and salt-water taffy stand, causing massive loss of life.

The crack missile team lost one member when he was incinerated while urinating behind the vehicle during the launch sequence.

Although initial testing of their new toy has not turned out exactly as planned, Open Carry Texas hopes that the vehicle will be fully operational for this fall’s Conspiracy Theory Convention held annually at the Dallas Book Depository.

“We really look forward to displaying our extreme sexual insecurity and paranoid delusions at the upcoming national conference in Dallas,” said Grisham. We really want to show the rest of the country what patriotism and love of God and country is all about.”

When asked about the situation in Houston, NRA president Wayne LaPierre only shook his head, rolled his eyes, and slowly walked away from reporters while staring at the ground.

 

 

 

 

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry Accidentally Mows Down Tea Party Rally On Border With Mexico

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The death toll continues to rise in Monday’s “friendly fire” incident along the Texas-Mexico border. While making an aerial inspection of suspected crossing points, Governor Rick Perry (R-TX) apparently discharged a .50 caliber machine gun into the midst of a gathering of Tea Party supporters and amateur Texas border guards.

The Tea Party members were massed at a point along the border where refugee kids from Central and South America regularly turn themselves in to Border Patrol agents.

Texas National Guard troops that Perry dispatched to the border are being kept busy trying clean up the sites of the governor's various mishaps

Texas National Guard troops that Perry dispatched to the border are being kept busy trying clean up the sites of the governor’s various mishaps

“We were just here to show how much we love America and shout ugly racial slurs at those children,” said Mildred Mulebutt, a survivor of the massacre.

“We had just set up our signs and popped a few Budweisers when this patrol plane escorted by two helicopter gunships swooped down on us out of the blue. Then some idiot in one of the aircraft started letting us have it with some kind of fucking cannon or something. It was terrifying.”

Zapata County Sheriff R.P. “Fuzzy” Scrotum told Fox News that “We still have not been able to get a solid body count because the Governor turned a lot of these folks into a fine red mist. I’ve been told by the coroner that we have at least 29 Tea Partiers and several members of the South Texas Amateur Border Guards and River Widener’s Club definitely deceased. If you come over here, you can clearly see where the Tea Party folks were standing because of all of these misspelled signs.”

The crew chief for the aircraft in which the governor was traveling told Reuters that “I told that doofus three times to quit fiddling with the weapon, but he insisted on charging it and aiming it at vehicles and pedestrians while making a childlike ‘machine gun’ sound and yelling ‘Get some! Get some!'”

This isn't the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry mowed down an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

This isn’t the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry wiped out an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

“God help us if that idiot is elected president,” continued the crew chief, who wished to remain anonymous. “He’ll probably be horsing around in the Oval Office and accidentally nuke Belgium or something.”

An aide to Governor Perry called the incident a “tragic accident” and blamed it on Perry leaving his glasses at Billy Bob’s All-You-Can-Eat Fatback Cafe in Squalid Springs, where the group had lunch.

“The governor was trying to aim at a group of starving and desperate illegal children and hit that group of his supporters purely by accident,” said the aide.

A firm body count and casualty list will not be available until the weekend because authorities had to call in army bomb disposal squads to clear several dozen homemade anti-personnel mines planted by the amateur border guards.

Governor Perry is not expected to be charged in the incident because he is covered by the recent “Stand Your Ground and Defend Your Airspace” laws passed by Texas and Florida. The laws protect Caucasian males from prosecution for “discharging any weapon, accidentally or otherwise, into any individual or group of individuals that look weird or unusual to them.”

The incident is expected to have absolutely no effect on Governor Perry’s presidential aspirations, because anyone dumb enough to vote for this bastard is going to do it regardless of how many people he slaughters.

 

 

 

 

 

God Replaces House Majority Leader Eric Cantor With Rank Amateur

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monty-python-god

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what some church officials are calling a “miracle on par with the parting of the Red Sea,” Almighty God replaced House Majority Leader Eric Cantor with an obscure economics professor from Randolph-Macon this week.

It seems that for the first time in several hundred years, God suspended the laws of physics, logic, common sense, and modern scientific polling to allow David Brat, a political newcomer, to beat the house leader by over ten percentage points in Virginia’s 7th District Republican primary race.

While many political analysts and talking heads say that Cantor’s unhealthy infatuation with beef played a role, most of those “in the know” put the majority of blame for Cantor’s shocking loss on his attempt to help the children of illegal immigrants, and the subsequent loss of support it precipitated in divine circles.

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Everyone in politics knows how much God hates illegal immigration. Here Jesus accompanies a an ICE team in Houston assigned to roundup immigrant children before they get old enough to steal our jobs.

“Everyone knows how much God hates illegal immigrants and their kids,” said Walter Dullard, a Tea Party strategist. “Cantor showed a recklessness and lack of foresight unusual in a seasoned politician.”

“His desire to help the innocent kids of illegals angered the Lord as well as his constituents, and paved the way for this miracle,” said Dullard.

During his acceptance speech Tuesday night Brat acknowledged that his victory was indeed a “miracle from God.” He went out of his way to praise the deity by reading several Bible verses in hopes that he can retain divine support for future reelection campaigns.

Satan, Lord of the Underworld and Prince of Darkness, normally a strong supporter of Tea Party candidates, offered Brat no help in the election.

“We wanted to sit this one out and see what happened,” said Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary. “As long as God is preoccupied with the midterms and local races, his attention is drawn away from things like worldwide hunger, war, environmental destruction, climate change, natural disasters, genocide, and the like. We’re left to ‘do our thing’ without any interference from ‘upstairs.'”

Although Brat has no experience in politics and the quagmire of stupidity that is Washington D.C., he told reporters that “Ignorance and an overall lack of intelligence has never been an obstacle in American politics, and I look forward to a long and financially fruitful career in the nation’s capital.”

 

 

Vicious Gang Of Grey Supremacists Found Guilty Of 2013 Home Invasion In Santa Rosa Beach

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house

The gang gained access to homes by chewing through the facade

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“Cheeky,” leader of the gang, got ten years

DEFUNIAK SPRINGS-A violent gang of young “grey supremacist” squirrels has finally been run to ground and will face substantial prison terms for an early 2013 home invasion robbery in Santa Rosa Beach. The eight defendants showed no remorse as Judge Billy Bob McSneed of Walton County read the sentences aloud in front of a packed courtroom.

“Cheeky” the leader of the gang, a huge fox squirrel covered in tattoos, was sentenced to ten years. Six other gang members were sentenced to five-year terms. “Benedict,” a six month old who turned state’s evidence and testified against his partners in crime, received a suspended sentence and will be under house arrest for two years. He will have to wear a paw monitor for the entire probationary period.

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Cheeky was still defiant and showed no remorse as he was led away to captivity

The squirrels were convicted of the February 12th, 2013 home invasion robbery of the Dickerson estate in Santa Rosa Beach. Jerry Dickerson, editor of the Times-Picayune and all-around wonderful guy (known in the panhandle as God’s gift to women) was home alone at the time. “They came in like something out of Zero Dark Thirty,” said Mr. Dickerson. I have not seen that level of callous indifference since I was late to one of Mr. Watkin’s chemistry classes back in 1975. I tried to resist, but one of the larger squirrels put his incisors to my neck and threatened to slice my jugular if I moved an inch. They grabbed everything that was not nailed down and stuffed it into their cheeks. It was terrifying!”

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Once they gained entrance to a dwelling the gang would rappel into the home like commandos

The home invasion in Santa Rosa was part of a string of robberies and assaults dating back to 2011 when it is believed the gang was formed. “Benedict” met with the media at a brief press conference after the sentences were read. He told reporters that he was a young and naive squirrel when he “broke bad” and joined the gang. “I really don’t believe in all that ‘Grey Power’ crap. I even tried to get Cheeky to slow down and back-off. I told him we could make a living like other squirrels, collecting nuts and pine cones and stuff. But he was having none of it. I told him we shouldn’t try for another one of those homes on 30-A, but he got all pissed off when Mrs Dickerson pulled down the bird feeders.”

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The gang has long been wanted for a series of attacks on people and their pets

It seems that a group of woodrats had invaded the Dickerson’s attic and were living it up on the sunflower seeds that were meant for the bird population. Mrs Dickerson finally had enough after the undocumented rodents had a late-night party on the ceiling of her bedroom. She took action the next day and removed the feeders.

“Cheeky just went out of his mind,” said Benedict. “What you have to understand is that we depended on those feeders for our supper. He called us all together in a squirrels12 squirrels11 squirrel19 nearby live oak and told us how all the woodrats coming up from the south were taking our jobs, food, and even our women. He also told us that they didn’t pay taxes, used emergency rooms every time they got sick, and almost all of them voted Democrat. Now the damn illegal rats had ruined a good food source by being so greedy. That really got the gang ready to take action. Cheeky can be very charismatic.”

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The gang drilled regularly with the “Florida Militia” and other racist organizations

The gang has escaped the icy grip of the law on numerous occasions in the past because of their ability to disappear from crime scenes and melt into the woods like grey ghosts. The thugs also intimidated witnesses by leaving piles of half eaten sunflower seeds on their doorsteps and taunting them from nearby trees as they went to work. Many thought the string of robberies and assaults would forever go unpunished.

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Prison guards in Florida are not known for their sympathy and understanding

However, late this fall officers from the Florida Fish and Game Commission trapped the gang in the Pine Log State Forest as part of “Operation Nutcracker.” Three gang members were shot and killed during the operation and ended up in the deputies’ stew pots. Two officers were injured when in desperation the gang chewed through a large branch and it came crashing down on the officers’ heads. In the end the gang gave themselves up one by one and came down the trunk of a large loblolly pine with their tails between their legs. The only holdout was Cheeky and he was later tasered out of the tree.

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Mr. Dickerson, home alone at the time of the robbery, steadfastly refused to tell deputies what he was up to as the squirrels chewed their way in

The Florida Department of Corrections will now take custody of the gang members and it will no doubt put extra strain on the system to have such a violent group of individuals behind bars. The Florida prison system is already full to bursting with inmates serving lengthy terms for minor drug offenses and traffic violations. The group will no doubt be split up and distributed to various facilities within the massive labyrinthine money pit. Once there they will no doubt get a much-needed lesson on race relations.