Tag Archives: Indiana

Georgia Florist Provides Long-Awaited Answers On Sin, Ten Commandments

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florist

ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – For centuries scholars, philosophers, representatives of the church, and lay people alike have puzzled over just which sins were the most heinous, and in which order the Ten Commandments should be ranked. It has been the subject of debate for over 2000 years within the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Now the definitive answers have come from a surprising source; professional florist, part-time Biblical scholar, and full-time homophobe Mrs. Melissa Jeffcoat.

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Mrs. Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus appears in her dreams regularly and gives her advice on important decisions. She said that he also told her that the CIA had planted listening devices in her flower shop.

Jeffcoat, who runs a florist shop in rural Jeff Davis County, has been studying the problem for decades and made her findings public during an interview with Gary Tuchman of CNN.

Mrs Jeffcoat told Tuchman that under no circumstances would she provide flowers for a same-sex couple’s wedding, because choosing to be gay is by far the worst sin anyone could possibly commit. Mrs Jeffcoat went on to say that she  was not going to be the “tool of Satan” by providing lovely flower arrangements for an event sanctioned by Lucifer.

Tuchman countered by saying, “In the Ten Commandments, it says you can’t commit adultery,” adding, “It says you need to honor your father and mother.”

When Tuchman asked whether she would provide flowers for an adulterer or someone who had “dishonored” their parents, she said she would not have a problem serving them.

“Well, why would you serve them but not serve someone who is gay?” the reporter asked.

“It’s just a different kind of sin to me,” Jeffcoat replied. “I just don’t believe in it. Adultery, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, genocide, they all pale in comparison to being gay.”

When Tuchman inquired of Jeffcoat how she came up with her rankings of different sins, she said after years of research and praying over the problem, Jesus came to her in a dream in the form of a velociraptor and pointed a six- inch claw at a smouldering rose bush. The voice of God came out of the bush and told her that he hated fags worse than anything and then proceeded to rank various sins in order of their importance, from murder all the way down to forgetting to floss your teeth before bed.

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Jeffcoat said that sometimes Jesus appeared as a white man with a beard riding a Tyrannosaur that he called “Spike.”

“I don’t know why God chose me,” said Jeffcoat, “but we all know he works in mysterious ways, and this sure as hell is no exception.”

Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus now regularly appears in her dreams providing her guidance on everything from romance to grocery shopping. “Lately he’s been telling me to buy a shotgun and go on a multi-state murder spree, but I think I’m going to wait till after the June rush to do that,” said Jeffcoat.

Jeffcoat’s son Carlton, who is apparently as wacked-out as his mother, told CNN that everything his mother said was entirely accurate and true, because it was the word of God. He is currently studying to become a Southern Baptist minister in order to amass a fortune on television and avoid paying taxes on any of it.

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Jeffcoat’s son Carlton is studying to be a Southern Baptist minister so he can fleece gullible believers and use the cash to live an extravagant lifestyle

“I serve a God who’s higher than any Supreme Court judge, that’s called the judge of the universe,” he told Tuchman. “I don’t care what anybody else says, I know what’s right and what the good Lord wants, and by God he wants us to hate fags. I’m just as bigoted and hateful as any other redneck down here and I’m sure as hell not gonna change just because we have a dictator for president.”

When Tuchman asked him what President Obama had to do with it, Carlton said, “He’s the source of all evil in the modern world, God told me so, and besides, I heard it on Fox.”

Georgia Company To Fill Void Left By Memories Pizza

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deliverance9

ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – A pizza chain headquartered in the mountainous region of north Georgia has stepped up to fill the gaping void left by the closure of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. Considered a “mainstay” in Walkerton, the pizzeria is now closed and may not reopen. Memories owners Kevin O’Connor and his daughter Crystal closed the restaurant after a withering assault on social media and numerous vicious phone calls.

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Co-founder of Deliverance Herbert “Cowboy” Coward told Wolf Blitzer that his establishments have always encouraged love and intimacy between family members, even cousins.

Herbert “Cowboy” Coward, co-founder and CEO of Deliverance Pizza, a chain of family restaurants headquartered in the north Georgia town of Dillard, told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his company was eager to take up the slack.

“We currently have 11 units scattered throughout the mountains of north Georgia, but we’ve been thinking of expanding out-of-state, and the O’Connor’s loss just might be our gain,” said Coward.

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All Deliverance units boast live music on Friday and Saturday nights.

Deliverance, which specializes in pizzas featuring wild game toppings blended with pork, is by far the most popular pizza in rural areas of north Georgia. In fact, Deliverance outsells Pizza Hut and Domino’s combined. The chain’s most popular pizza, called “The Squeal,” features a combination of ham, venison, and pork sausage toppings.

“We’ll probably start by making the O’Connors an offer on their shop and go from there,” said Coward.

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Coward told Blitzer that he looks forward to the day that marriage equality was a reality in Georgia so he could marry Ned, his partner of over 40 years.

“But I want to make one thing clear from the outset Wolf; Deliverance Pizza has always been a gay friendly establishment. A good portion of our business comes from the red-hot gay wedding pizza catering industry, and we want to hold onto to those customers like a you would a fattened sow.”

“We’ve always supported gay marriage, whether it’s forced or by consent. There’s nothing quite as beautiful as seeing two members of the same-sex declare their love for one another, even if one partner is a little reluctant at first. I can remember when Ned and I first got together. It was rocky times for a while but once we settled down no one could pry us apart, and we still feel that way to this day!”

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Many Deliverance pizzerias have outdoor playgrounds so the kids can entertain themselves while waiting on their pizza.

On an appearance on Fox News, where the O’Connors have become instant heroes, anchor Neal Cavuto asked Crystal if they would accept Coward’s offer or were her and her dad planning on reopening their restaurant.

Crystal replied, “Are you kiddin’? Hell no we ain’t reopenin’ the fuckin’ restaurant! This GoFundMe crap is the shit! It’s better than winning the goddam lottery! When this cash runs out we’re gonna bad-mouth another minority group. Right now it’s a toss-up between the blacks and the Messicans…we just ain’t done decided which one yet.”

It should come as a surprise to no one that Neanderthals from across the country have contributed close to $700,000 to the O’Connors through the GoFundMe website to date, and the flow of cash shows no signs of abating. It seems that bigotry and hatred are alive and well in America today.

 

Dumbass Tom Cotton Wins High Praise For CNN Comments

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cotton444

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Numbnuts, dickheads, and reactionary assholes scrambled to the nearest microphones this morning to praise freshman Senator Tom Cotton’s remarks on Indiana’s “Religious Freedom Restoration Act.” The goofy-looking senator from Arkansas made the remarks to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer during an appearance on The Situation Room.

Cotton, like many other right-wing nutjobs, compared the law to the one signed by President Clinton in his first year in office. Apparently he has not read either law or he is so mentally deficient he is unable to tell the difference between the two.

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Cotton is currently enrolled in remedial English and reading comprehension courses so he will be able to read and understand proposed legislation in the future.

Then, in a breathtaking example of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance, Cotton told Blitzer that gays should be glad they live in the United States instead of elsewhere.

“In Iran they hang you for the crime of being gay,” said Cotton. “They’re currently imprisoning an American preacher for spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ in Iran. We should focus on the most important priorities that our country faces right now. And I would say that a nuclear armed Iran, given the threat it poses … is the most important thing we could be focusing on right now.”

Cotton, you may recall, is the celebrated author of the famous letter to Iran concerning constitutional law in the United States. The letter was criticized by pundits and political leaders of all stripes for undermining the president at a critical time. The fact that the letter was inaccurate and written in crayon did not help matters either.

Cotton, who has a six-year-old’s grasp of the issues, is apparently able to concentrate on only one issue at a time and seems unaware that his home state of Arkansas is desperately trying to avoid becoming the target for boycotts and outrage over its own “Religious Freedom Act.”

Regardless, idiots came out of the woodwork to praise Cotton for his willingness to stand up for bigotry and hate wherever it rears its ugly head.

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Sometime actor and full-time miscreant Phil Robertson took time out from his atheist penis Biblical tutorial tour to praise the backwards-ass senator from Arkansas

John Bowles, 2008 presidential candidate for the American Nazi Party, told reporters that “I’m damn proud of Tom for standing up for the rights of religious fanatics everywhere. It’s high time someone stood up for bigoted assholes!”

Judge Roy Moore, Alabama’s rogue judge and cretinous zealot, said “Tom Cotton is the kind of guy all of us ignorant rednecks can support wholeheartedly! I hope he decides to run for president!”

Actor, lunatic, and Biblical scholar Phil Robertson remarked, “Tom is just the kind of politician this country needs to lead us back to a time when black people were happy in the cotton fields and gays and lesbians were executed in the town square.” Robertson then went on a 20 minute diatribe about atheists and their genitals.

Cotton is sure to be the target of outrage from every intelligent member of the media and the public for his remarks, but this is nothing new for the senator, and it does not seem to faze him in the least. He seems to let it roll off him like mud off a hog’s back.

For our sake we can only hope that Senator Cotton is “overwhelmed by the Spirit,” and decides to follow his true calling by going on tour in the Middle East and Iran preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.

 

Indiana Makes Desperate Bid To Join Bible Belt

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mikepence

INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA – (CT&P) – Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law yesterday in an attempt to show solidarity with politicians around the Bible Belt who are pushing “Religious Freedom Acts” of their own. The legislation allows individuals and corporations to cite ‘religious beliefs’ as a defense when sued by a private party. Thus, business owners who don’t want to serve same-sex couples, or any other member of a group they dislike, now have legal protection to deny service.

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Governor Pence told reporters that the people of Indiana wanted to show solidarity with their ignorant asshole brothers and sisters down in the Bible Belt

“We just wanted to show that religious folks in Indiana have just as much pent-up prejudice and hatred as our brothers and sisters down South,” said Governor Pence at a press conference after he signed the bill. “We want to protect our God-given right to treat people who disagree with our archaic belief system as second class citizens and objects of derision. Judge Roy Moore ain’t got nothing on us,” chuckled the governor, as he foamed at the mouth.

The fact that the bill may cost the state millions of dollars in revenue did not seem to bother the governor.

“If people and businesses want to move to a more progressive state that treats all its citizens and tourists as equals, then let them burn in hell with all the other heretics. We in Indiana want to stand as an example of God’s love for bigots and hatred of fags. If we lose a few conventions here and there then so be it!”

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Last night members of the Indiana Klan and several neo-Nazi organizations held a gala event celebrating the signing of the bill. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Melvin Smegma, owner of Melvin’s World Famous Fatback BBQ in Gary. “Now we can tell them filthy fags and Jews to go to hell right when they walk in the door!”

The bill has prompted public outrage around the country and several large organizations such as Salesforce have abandoned all future plans that include Indiana. Other organizations such as Gen Con, the NCAA, and Ely Lilly, one of the state’s largest employers, have already spoken out against the bill.

When asked if the bill would not allow business owners to refuse service to just about anyone they disagreed with or did not like, Governor Pence replied, “Yes, thank God. Like other ‘Religious Freedom’ bills making their way through state houses around the country, we made this one vague enough to where we can discriminate not only against gays, but Jews, Muslims, atheists, Mormons, Scientologists, or just about anyone we want to. It’s great!”

“The main thing to remember here is to ask yourself the question ‘What would Jesus do?,’ and I think we can all agree that if Jesus owned an Ace Hardware he would refuse to sell building materials to homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, atheists, or any other group that threatens our fragile and insecure system of beliefs.”

Governor Pence concluded, “The God-fearing citizens of Indiana want nothing more than to return to the Middle Ages, just like those folks down South, and I think this bill is a good beginning.”

Indiana Lynn And The Trailer Of Doom

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

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FRANKLIN-This time of year, the hubbub of bowl games, the NSA’s latest abominations, and Fox News’ continuing obsession with Obamacare can easily drown out really interesting news items. However, we here at the Times-Picayune like to keep our loyal readers informed. One such news story concerns Ms. Bonita Lynn Vela of Franklin, Indiana. Ms. Vela, an amateur vivisectionist specializing in home castration techniques, was arrested after she apparently attempted the impromptu emasculation of an unwilling participant.

The alleged victim was the boyfriend of one of her female spawn. For obvious reasons the gentleman prefers to remain anonymous. It seems that after smoking a small quantity of what must have been some excellent weed, Ms. Vela became a little suspicious of her potential son-in-law’s activities, and like any red-blooded American mom, she took decisive action.

According to reports Vela lured the unsuspecting dude to her trailer where she and two henchmen detained him for over three hours. During this “unlawful confinement” Ms. Vela used “enhanced interrogation techniques” to determine whether the gentleman had attempted to molest her two-year old son or had in any way “messed with her daughter.”

The unfortunate victim vehemently denied any such activity, which is quite understandable considering Ms. Vela was threatening to remove or at the very least disfigure his manhood. He told deputies that he then heard the question feared by men around the world: “Your penis or your life, which will it be?”

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Ms. Vela seen here after approximately seven days without sleep

After pondering his options for a few moments Mr. X decided on life. At that point Ms. Vela used a box-cutter obtained at a nearby Dollar Store to slice his penis with a “masterful diagonal stroke showing great skill and dexterity,” according to Henchman “A.” Henchman “B” added, “Bonita has practiced many long hours and put in as much work perfecting her craft as a Samurai warrior. She really is a pleasure to observe. It’s like poetry in motion.”

Mr. X was then released and told to “have a nice day.”

After neighbors in the “Abandon All Hope RV Park” complained to the sheriff’s department of “unusually loud screams, even for this place” deputies arrived at the scene. When questioned, Vela admitted to smoking a little pot, but could not remember if she had consumed any other drugs in the immediate past.  She also admitted that she had “a little come-to-Jesus” meeting with her daughter’s boyfriend.

Ms. Vela was swiftly arrested and transported to the Johnson County Detention Center where she was interrogated by Chief Inspector Pagan Morse, Detective Harry “Snapper” Organs (on loan from Q Division), and Cardinal Fang, liaison officer from the Vatican. Ms. Vela freely admitted that she masterminded the abduction and “interview” of Mr. X. She also admitted that she used some “unorthodox procedures,” but that they were required given the circumstances.

“After the fork failed to draw blood, I had to opt for the box-cutter, said Vela. “I want that S.O.B. to think of me every time he becomes aroused.”

Inspector Morse then suggested that if Mr. X thought of her first, the poor guy would never get aroused again.

Ms. Vela has been charged with battery with a deadly weapon, criminal confinement with a deadly weapon, and failure to comprehend any concepts beyond a third-grade level.