Tag Archives: isis

United Nations Condemns ISIS War Crimes, Warns More Harsh Words Could Follow

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what can only be described as a withering verbal assault over the weekend, United Nations human rights commissioner Navi Pillay criticized the up-and-coming terrorist group ISIS as a “group of savage religious zealots guilty of numerous war crimes.”

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UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon told reporters that although he does not want to judge anyone before all the facts are in, it’s beginning to look like ISIS are not very nice people

In fact, the feared and powerful United Nations Human Rights Council decided Monday to send a fact-finding team to Iraq to investigate possible war crimes by Islamic extremists after hearing senior human rights officials detail mass killings and other atrocities committed “on an unimaginable scale.”

“We have it on very good authority that these people are breaking the law and doing some very bad things, but we really need to gather more evidence before issuing an even harsher statement,” said Leila “Spaghetti Spine” Zerrougui, the U.N. special representative of the secretary-general for children and armed conflict.

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U.N. human rights official Leila Zerrougui said that there is “just not enough evidence yet that ISIS is doing anything really bad enough to condemn the whole organization. We need more facts before we ruin any reputations.”

“We don’t want to go off half-cocked,” said Zerrougui, “a strongly worded condemnation by the United Nations can hurt one’s future job prospects, and the last thing we want to do is denounce any innocent terrorists.”

Abdul Mohammed RiffRaff Skyhook, Minister of Cultural Affairs and Christian Beheadings for the Taliban wholeheartedly agreed with Zerrougui. “I remember five years ago when the U.N. criticized my actions in Afganistan after my team sawed off the legs of some women attending a  local college in Kandahar,” said Skyhook. “It has taken me years to recover from the depression caused by their acidic and very hurtful remarks.”

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When he was informed of the U.N.’s harsh words while attending a mass crucifixion outside Mosul, ISIS CEO Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi grasped his testicles and said “Criticize this, you bunch of pussies!”

While making an appearance on Al Jazeera’s Sunday morning show Meet the Terrorists, Mohamed Abdul Hussein al-Buttplug, leader of Al-Qaeda’s prestigious Nerve Agent Research and Development Group in Yemen, told Yusef “Scoop” Arafat that “Nothing hurts quite so much as criticism from the United Nations. I remember shortly after 9/11 they called me a common criminal and a throwback to the 7th century. It’s taken me over a decade to recover my self-esteem.”

The White House issued a statement this morning that called on all civilized nations of the world to join the United Nations in hurling verbal insults at the out-of-control group of murderous thugs that call themselves ISIS.

“These people are just bad folks and are acting like a bunch of meanies,” said the statement.

When reached for comment on the blistering U.N. statement, ISIS CEO and Director of Abominations Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was quoted as saying “What the fuck?” as he decapitated a baby goat and began drinking its blood from a golden chalice.

President Obama Clarifies Administration’s ISIS Policy: “We Are Fucking Clueless”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a White House press conference yesterday President Obama outlined U.S. policy regarding the group of savage religious zealots known to the world as ISIS. The position has been described by pundits as a policy “hovering somewhere between vague and nebulous.”

Although the Administration has ordered around 100 airstrikes on ISIS targets around Iraq, it waited until it was almost damn well too late to do so, and it has stopped short of bombing targets located within the borders of Syria, thus giving the Stone Age terrorist cretins a safe haven from which to operate.

“We don’t want to get all crazy and upset the delicate balance of power within Syria,” said Obama. “If we did that, something bad might happen. We’ll eventually get around to some kind of plan, but we just don’t have a strategy yet.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest told reporters that the feeling around the Oval Office was that the Administration should not get bogged-down in another war in the Middle East.

“The consensus is that we need to avoid this clusterfuck at all costs, and leave it for Hillary to clean up,” said Ernest. “She can handle it in 2017 after she takes office. Hell, she’s better suited for this kind of thing anyway. Have you ever seen that bitch when she gets pissed off? She’ll wipe the floor with those ISIS Neanderthals.”

When asked by a journalist why the White House was not concerned with Fox News and talk radio dullards making political hay from the Administration’s flaccid policy, Ernest replied “We’ve never been concerned with getting the white homophobic bigot vote anyway. It’s just not our demographic.”

ISIS Kicks Off Innovative Socialized Medicine Campaign With Appointment Of Death Panels

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – An ISIS spokesman told reporters Monday that ISIS Health and Human Services Secretary Abdul “Madman” Fuqwhaddi, known to the ISIS rank and file as the “Dumb Sheik,” has announced the formation of “Death Panels”  to decide who will live and who will perish in newly conquered towns and territories.

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Secretary Fuqwhaddi assured ISIS execution squads that the carpal tunnel syndrome currently afflicting so many trigger fingers will be covered under the new health care law

“It’s more a matter of allocation of resources rather than anything else,” said the spokesman. “Secretary Fuqwhaddi wants to make sure that all demographic groups get equal treatment under the new health care law.”

“Christian infidels, Jewish pig-dogs, subhuman Yazidis, and our misguided Shiite cousins should all be able to get the health care they need in the form of fast and efficient torture and execution.”

Although the ISIS troops are armed to the teeth courtesy of abandoned high-tech U.S. weaponry, it seems that there is just not enough time in the day to murder everyone who  needs to be murdered.

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Sarah Palin told Fox News dullard Sean Hannity that she predicted this tragedy would occur if Obamacare was passed. “If everyone would just take my advice once in a while, the world would be a much better place,” said Palin.

“We’re doing our best,” said the ISIS spokesman, “but genocide on this scale is damn hard work. If we are going to successfully take this region of the world back into the Stone Age, we really need to concentrate on eliminating all other forms of religion and silence dissent of any type.”

“We are confident that because God is on our side we can get the job done. It’s just going to take dedication and sacrifice on the part of our cowardly and psychotic executioners. They will really deserve a vacation in Fallujah when all this is done. We’ve rounded up a herd of virgins for that very purpose. Nothing motivates a group of crazed Muslim murderers like the promise of virgins after a hard day of butchery, as I am sure you are all aware.”

The American intellectual and perpetual self-promoter Sarah Palin, who first warned of these so-called “Death Panels,” told Fox News today that “I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. I warned everyone that if we passed Obamacare, it would only be a matter of time before a group of administrators would be deciding who lives and who dies, and lo and behold I was right!”

 

Obama Recalls Kerry From Middle East, Dispatches Brick Top To Take His Place

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the president have informed Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that Mr. Obama is recalling Secretary of State John Kerry from the Middle East and is planning to send Brick Top over to take his place.

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This marks the second occasion Secretary Kerry has been recalled and replaced with Brick Top

“This is the second time we’ve had to recall that naive dufus from an international crisis zone and send in Brick Top to clean up the mess, and the president is pretty pissed off about it,” said the source, who wished to remain anonymous.

“The first time was when Putin made an absolute fool out of John over that whole Crimea mess. Now he’s over there bumbling around Israel and Gaza, and he’s threatening to go to Baghdad to try to ‘save’ the Iraqi government from itself. Everywhere this dude goes he makes things worse.”

“Only last week Bibi Netanyahu rang me up and begged for us to ‘get that idiot out of my reception area.'”

It seems that with the ground invasion of Gaza in full swing, Secretary Kerry was loitering around outside the prime minister’s office drinking a Tab and telling everyone he could corner that “the world was a complex and dangerous place.”

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Brick Top enjoyed a cup of tea at one location of his chain of airport concession stands while his private jet was being fueled. Brick Top won the rights to his concession stands by feeding the competing bidders to hungry pigs on his farm in Connecticut

“Kerry is a good guy and he means well,” said the source, but he has a sixth-grade grasp of geopolitics. In short, Kerry has a ‘brilliant grasp of the obvious'”

Brick Top is scheduled to depart Dulles International aboard his private jet “Hog Farmer One” around noon today.

He was mobbed by reporters as he left his home in Georgetown early this morning. One reporter asked him to comment on Kerry being recalled.

Brick Top replied: “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”

At Dulles Brick Top paused long enough to send a message to the unruly Arabs of the Middle East.

“I’m on my way over there my towel-headed pals, and I want that place nice and peaceful by the time my plane sets down in Tel Aviv.”

“And I have a special message for you wacked-out camel jockeys of ISIS. You are going to meet your nemesis. Do you know what ‘nemesis’ means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me!”