King Urges Jews To Quit Being So Antisemitic

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Last week U.S. House Representative and Talmudic scholar Steve King (R-IA) gave American Jews a helping hand on how they could better represent their religion by encouraging them to “quit being so antisemitic.” Representative King accused the group of failing to support Israel by disagreeing with the GOP’s policies regarding Iran and the standard Republican policy on the Middle East, which succinctly put is: ‘when in doubt, bomb and invade.’

When asked by a host on Boston Herald radio on Friday about members of Congress who did not attend Bibi Netanyahu’s address earlier in the month King said, “Well, there were some 50 or so Democrats that decided they would boycott the president’s speech. One thing that’s happened is — just look at the polling, that means — here is the thing that I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their president.”

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King’s 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louis Gohmert convinced many Egyptians that a democratic form of government might not be such a good idea. The trip was later immortalized with the release of Disney’s animated film The Three Stooges Do Egypt

After informing King that Bibi was Prime Minister of Israel and not its president, the interviewer asked if antisemitism was a factor. King said it was a component along with “just plain liberalism.”

“You would think that American Jews would care more about Israel and quit being so damn antisemitic,” said King. “I’ve never been to Israel, but I’m told that a lot of Jews live there”

“Jews here in the U.S. just need to get over their liberalism and join us Republicans in pushing for a theater-wide conflict that would engulf the entire Middle East in a seething cauldron of destruction. It’s the sensible thing to do, and besides, it’s what the Bible says, and the Bible is never wrong, especially the New Testament, which was not written by Jews.”

Most political pundits have so far been unable to make any sense whatsoever of Mr. King’s statements, but that is nothing new.

King, who is referred to by most of his fellow representatives in the house as “that village idiot from Iowa,” has repeatedly backed kooky Tea Party policies and spouted utter nonsense on the House floor. His 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert has gone down in history as one of the most absurd overseas trips ever taken by representatives of the U.S. Government.

Although some American Jewish leaders called King’s remarks “an insult to anyone who has a prefrontal cortex,” no one believes that King’s comments will be taken seriously by anyone except those who dropped out of school at the age of nine in order to work on the family hog farm.

Beersheba Bill Fails To See His Shadow; Israel Safe For Six More Weeks

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Everyone is well aware of the exploits of the famous American groundhog Punxsutawney Phil in Pennsylvania, but today Beersheba Bill, Israel’s most respected wombat, took center stage as he emerged from his blast shelter just outside Beersheba.

Beersheba Bill nervously emerged from his multi-million dollar missile-proof shelter, and much to the delight of crowds gathered to get a glimpse of the elusive quadrupedal marsupial, Bill failed to see his shadow. Relief was evident on the faces of members of the Knesset and high-ranking generals of the IDF who were in attendance.

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During Rosh Hashanah in 1973 Haifa Hank saw his shadow and correctly predicted the Arab invasion that led to the Yom Kippur War. No one paid attention to him at the time and IDF forces were taken by surprise and very nearly driven into the sea. The IDF quickly rallied however, and kicked Arab ass for the next three weeks before Egypt and Syria finally called it quits. Hank now lives in a retirement home in Tel-Aviv

Bill has proved to be the most reliable in a long line of wombats thought to be predictors of Israel’s relative safety from Arab attack.

Each year during Rosh Hashanah, Bill has crawled from behind the blast-proof doors of his den in order to gauge the amount of sunlight in the vicinity of Beersheba, and thus predict the likelihood of another war with the enemies that surround Israel. He has been right on the money for the past 12 years running.

The tradition of relying on wombats dates back to 1973, when Haifa Hank correctly predicted the coordinated Arab attack that almost drove the IDF into the sea. At the time, IDF leaders considered the threat of war to be low.

Since then, wombat predictions have been taken very seriously by the Knesset and Israel’s military leaders. Of course IDF intelligence estimates are taken into account as well, and together they form the basis for decision-making regarding Israel’s military readiness.

Beersheba Bill’s failure to see his shadow will be celebrated nationwide tonight throughout a country sick to death of having to duck incoming missiles and constantly search for Hamas idiots sticking their heads up out of the sand after tunneling under the border.

Mazel tov Bill! See you next year!

 

 

 

Obama Recalls Kerry From Middle East, Dispatches Brick Top To Take His Place

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the president have informed Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that Mr. Obama is recalling Secretary of State John Kerry from the Middle East and is planning to send Brick Top over to take his place.

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This marks the second occasion Secretary Kerry has been recalled and replaced with Brick Top

“This is the second time we’ve had to recall that naive dufus from an international crisis zone and send in Brick Top to clean up the mess, and the president is pretty pissed off about it,” said the source, who wished to remain anonymous.

“The first time was when Putin made an absolute fool out of John over that whole Crimea mess. Now he’s over there bumbling around Israel and Gaza, and he’s threatening to go to Baghdad to try to ‘save’ the Iraqi government from itself. Everywhere this dude goes he makes things worse.”

“Only last week Bibi Netanyahu rang me up and begged for us to ‘get that idiot out of my reception area.'”

It seems that with the ground invasion of Gaza in full swing, Secretary Kerry was loitering around outside the prime minister’s office drinking a Tab and telling everyone he could corner that “the world was a complex and dangerous place.”

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Brick Top enjoyed a cup of tea at one location of his chain of airport concession stands while his private jet was being fueled. Brick Top won the rights to his concession stands by feeding the competing bidders to hungry pigs on his farm in Connecticut

“Kerry is a good guy and he means well,” said the source, but he has a sixth-grade grasp of geopolitics. In short, Kerry has a ‘brilliant grasp of the obvious'”

Brick Top is scheduled to depart Dulles International aboard his private jet “Hog Farmer One” around noon today.

He was mobbed by reporters as he left his home in Georgetown early this morning. One reporter asked him to comment on Kerry being recalled.

Brick Top replied: “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”

At Dulles Brick Top paused long enough to send a message to the unruly Arabs of the Middle East.

“I’m on my way over there my towel-headed pals, and I want that place nice and peaceful by the time my plane sets down in Tel Aviv.”

“And I have a special message for you wacked-out camel jockeys of ISIS. You are going to meet your nemesis. Do you know what ‘nemesis’ means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me!”

 

Hamas Leadership Approves Plan To Strap Infants To Outgoing Rockets

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – At a press conference today held at the Yasser Arafat High School and Rocket Storage Facility in Gaza City, commander of the “moderate” wing of Hamas’ military forces Abdul Mohommed Buttplug Skyhook announced that his forces will go ahead with a plan to strap infants, toddlers, women, elderly Alzheimer’s patients, and other non-combatants to outgoing rockets bound for Israel.

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Kids from the Yasser Arafat School for Ignorant and Disillusioned Youth take a break from classes to display advanced level firing positions for the double-jointed

“We are suffering from a decline in numbers of Palestinian civilians volunteering to be human shields,” said Skyhook. “We feel that this step is necessary in order to show our resolve during this crisis.”

The latest flare-up in the continuing dispute between Israel and Hamas has claimed almost 1500 Palestinian lives, many of them women, children, and other non-combatants. The current conflict heated up after Israel finally had enough of daily rocket fire emanating from the Strip.

“There is only so much a people can tolerate without taking action,” said a spokesman for the IDF. “If some idiot were lobbing Molotov cocktails at your house every day would you sit there on your ass and do nothing?”

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In addition to his duties as military commander, Skyhook is a regular on Al Jazeera’s hit television show “Real Dumbasses of the Gaza Strip”

The most recent cease-fire agreement broke down today when the Hamas brain trust decided to kill two IDF soldiers and kidnap a third, resulting in heavy shelling of Rafah by Israeli forces and a renewed aggressive ground attack.

“We have to prove just how vicious and inhuman these Jews are,” said Skyhook. “We think that strapping our own children to our rockets so their dead bodies will be seen inside Israel will help us with our public relations effort around the world. The truth about these power-mad Zionists just has to be told.”

Skyhook achieved his high current position in the military wing of Hamas by blowing up several children’s holiday camps in Tel Aviv and murdering two of his own brothers who were ahead of him in the line of succession.

Hamas Leadership Rejects Cease Fire In Favor Of A Thorough Ass-Whipping By The IDF

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GAZA CITY (CT&P) -In response to renewed rocket attacks and an attempt by 13 heavily armed Hamas dim wits to infiltrate Israel via tunnels under the border, Israel has launched a ground offensive into Gaza. IDF tanks and armored personnel carriers supported by infantry units crossed the border yesterday and immediately began to kick some serious Hamas ass.

Speaking to reporters from a well-appointed luxury bunker deep beneath the Gaza City Misguided Martyr Middle School and Rocket Depot, Deputy Chairman Abu Marzook, of Hamas’ political bureau, told reporters that “We are not willing to stop our rocket attacks anytime soon. So far only civilians have been killed in Gaza, and we have plenty of them to spare.”

Explosions lit up the sky in the early hours of Friday and residents in several areas of the densely populated strip of 1.8 million Palestinians said they saw numbers of Israeli tanks that had crossed the border from Israel.

A statement from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s office late on Thursday said he had given orders to destroy tunnels that militants use to infiltrate Israel and carry out attacks.

An Israeli military spokesman said Israel was not out to try to topple Hamas.

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Hamas spokesman Sami “The Baby Crusher” Zuhri spoke with reporters from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty

“Our goal is not a new, more insane Palestinian leadership,” said the spokesman. “We just want to make one thing clear to these dullards: If you know what’s good for you, don’t fuck with Bibi.”

 

Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri, speaking from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty and Nerve Gas Production, responded with defiance to Israel’s invasion announcement, telling Reuters: “We warn Netanyahu of the dreadful consequences of such a foolish act. We will turn Israel into a wasteland with our endless supply of deadly rockets. Granted, they seem to be suffering from some kind of software glitch that has made 95% of them absolutely harmless, but we hope to clear up this problem sometime next week.”

Although a multitude of diplomats from all over the world are trying to broker some sort of cease-fire or truce in Cairo, there is little optimism for an early end to hostilities in the conflict.

“The Hamas leadership is just having too much fun launching all those rockets,” said Swiss official, on the condition of anonymity. “Zuhri told me that Hamas intends to keep firing rockets ‘until the camels come home.'”

A Hamas militant in charge of a rocket team told Reuters that “I haven’t had this much fun since Dad took us kids to Crazy Muhammad’s Fireworks and Explosive Vests in Rafah. This is great!”

Meanwhile, religious leaders around the world continued to offer up prayers for a swift and peaceful resolution to the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians.

“One thing that this conflict makes perfectly clear is that religion is our only hope of lasting peace on earth,” said Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, an organization that promotes fundamentalist Christian values.

“We just have to persevere and believe that this senseless slaughter is the will of our benevolent and omniscient Creator, and God’s plan will become evident in time,” said Fischer.

Bryan Fischer is not exactly renowned for ability to reason.

 

 

 

 

Religion Of Peace Continues To Blow Shit Out Of Israel With Rockets, Hamas Leaders Puzzled By IDF Response

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX MURPHY, N. C. (CT&P) — Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel said Friday that his forces were fighting Hamas with “increasing intensity” to quell its rocket barrages from Gaza, ignoring outside criticism and calls for restraint in the increasingly deadly Israeli aerial assaults. Even as he spoke, Palestinian militants fired salvos into central and southern Israel and said their arsenal had barely been dented.

Palestinian deaths from four days of Israeli aerial assaults surpassed 100, with hundreds wounded. As of Friday, no Israelis had been killed by Gaza rockets, although one caused the first serious instance of multiple injuries on the Israeli side since the hostilities intensified.

Israel has been criticized for the lopsided death toll in the conflict, as if she should somehow let the terrorist wackos catch up by letting her civilians be slaughtered in their beds.

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In an attempt to explain the terrorists’ poor aim, an IDF spokesman told our reporter that “the terrorist talks big, but frankly, we think he’s short of know-how. I mean, you just can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a rocket like some of our boys. And that’s not meant as an insult, we all know how much guts these folks have, judging by the intestines splattered everywhere after a suicide bombing.”

“It’s not our fault these idiots don’t know how to aim their rockets,” said Bibi. ““No international pressure will prevent us from operating with full force against a terrorist organization that calls for our destruction,” he said in remarks broadcast from a news conference at the Defense Ministry in Tel Aviv.

“Even those dim wits at the U.N. should be able to figure it out. The difference between us is simple,” Mr. Netanyahu said. “We develop defensive systems against missiles in order to protect our civilians and they use their civilians to protect their missiles.”

The Israeli military says it has struck more than 1,100 locations in Gaza such as rocket launchers, weapons stores and, more controversially, what it describes as command and control centers run by Hamas and Islamic Jihad operatives in private homes. Israel says it first advises the occupants to vacate, using telephone alerts and unarmed missiles that strike the premises in a warning of the destruction to come.

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Abu Marzook Skyhook spoke with reporters while safely ensconced in a bunker nine stories below Gaza City

For their part Hamas leaders told U.N. officials that they were “totally baffled and puzzled” by Israel’s response to the hail of rockets launched from Gaza since the current flare up of hostilities began.

“We were just celebrating our holy month in the usual fashion, by attempting to kill Jews in large numbers,” said Mousa Mohammed Abu Marzook Skyhook, deputy chairman of Hamas political bureau and CEO of Rockets Are Us in Rafah.

“I don’t understand why Bibi got so pissed off, and it really hurts my feelings that Israel is fighting back,” he said.

Skyhook told reporters that Hamas was ready to sacrifice “as many of its women and children as necessary to make its point. “We will make Israel a lake of fire in the ‘mother of all’ rocket attacks,” he said. However, Skyhook did not explain just what the fuck Hamas’ point is.

Skyhook spoke with U.N. officials and reporters during a gala swimsuit fashion show held in a reinforced bunker nine stories below the surface.

Right Wing Pastor And Lunatic Mark Blitz Says God Has His Hands Full

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Ominous “blood moon” is said to be a sign from God concerning Israel’s property rights, easements, and stern warning not to change the CC&Rs or traffic laws of the Middle East. Blitz did not explain why God simply did not make a phone call or send a memo.

SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – Yesterday pastor and well-known insane person Mark Blitz stopped in at World Net Daily, a prominent right-wing website dedicated to all manner of reactionary causes. A veritable black hole of ignorance, World Net Daily will go to any lengths to criticize and deride anything even remotely associated with the Obama (Satan) Administration.

Blitz told WND that the recent “blood moon” is a direct communication from God to Barack Obama concerning ongoing efforts to broker a Middle East peace agreement. “God has more than a ‘pen and a phone in his hand,'” said Blitz, referring to President Obama’s statement earlier this year in which he complained about Congressional obstructionism.

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Pastor Mark “Bulbous” Blitz insisted to WND that President Obama was violating all manner of celestial traffic laws and was driving the “SUV of state” like a drunken teenager

“I believe the moons are like flashing red warning lights at a heavenly intersection saying to Israel as well as the nations that they will be crossing heavenly red lines and if they do, they will understand as Pharaoh did on Passover night 3500 years ago that the Creator backs up what he says,” said Blitz.

Blitz continued, “Pharaoh jaywalked across a divine thoroughfare and was fined by God. It was the culmination of a series of misdemeanors committed against the Children of Israel and God finally had enough. When God laid down the traffic laws (consisting of a bewildering array of 23,590 different speed limits and other ordinances designed to prevent congestion and bottlenecks) he meant what he said.”

“Anyone who doubts what I am telling you can look it up. The entire set of ordinances can be found in the Book of Transportation under the little known 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Not Park In Handicapped Zones Without A Sticker,'” said Blitz.

“Like Pharaoh the leaders and pundits of today will realize that the Creator has more than a pen and a phone in his hand,” said Blitz. “The Creator has a phone, a stylish Montblanc Rubber Starwalker fountain pen, an extra-large book of tickets, a window washer, and nine millimeter handgun (for Florida residents) in his hands. In fact, God’s hands are absolutely full!’

When asked by WND news anchor Robert Nescient why an all-powerful God could not simply speak to Mr. Obama directly or just solve the Middle East problems by waving his recently filled hands around, Blitz looked incredulous.

“That’s just not how God works, you idiot. The Creator works in mysterious ways, just like the Atlanta City Council. He uses eclipses, comets, earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis to deliver confusing and muddled messages to the people of earth. He relies on his chosen interpreters such as myself to decipher all his divine gobbledygook. People should really pay attention to me and take heed of what I am saying. I have to remind my wife of it all the time,” Blitz chuckled.

Pastor Blitz promised to Mr. Nescient that he would come back on the show in about a month and decipher the Creator’s upcoming message contained within the Perseid meteor shower in August. It is rumored that God is pissed off about the Affordable Care Act and will be threatening another worldwide flood if it is not repealed.

 

 

 

“I believe the moons are like flashing red warning lights at a heavenly intersection saying to Israel as well as the nations they will be crossing heavenly red lines and if they do, they will understand as Pharaoh did on Passover night 3,500 years ago that the Creator backs up what He says.
– See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/worldnetdaily-says-lunar-eclipse-was-divine-warning-obama#sthash.MblM6IoS.dpuf
“I believe the moons are like flashing red warning lights at a heavenly intersection saying to Israel as well as the nations they will be crossing heavenly red lines and if they do, they will understand as Pharaoh did on Passover night 3,500 years ago that the Creator backs up what He says.
– See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/worldnetdaily-says-lunar-eclipse-was-divine-warning-obama#sthash.MblM6IoS.dpuf