Tag Archives: Japan

Cool New Airbag Fires Shrapnel Directly Into Your Fucking Face

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Car Wreck

 

MINATO, JAPAN – (CT&P) – At a press conference today in Tokyo, international airbag manufacturer Takata announced the roll out of its latest airbag, the Facial Blossom Mark II. The bag is intended to replace an earlier model, the Immolator, which was designed to spray napalm into passenger compartments and ignite, engulfing entire American families in flames.

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Ogawa III is the grandson of Ensign Kiyoshi Ogawa, who crashed his plane into the USS Bunker Hill during World War II, killing 600 of her crew.

“We were having real trouble with the Immolator malfunctioning and going off when no one was even in the vehicle,” said Kiyoshi Ogawa III, head of research and development for Takata. “This new design is more dependable and works like a traditional airbag, with the exception that it permanently disfigures anyone riding in the vehicle.”

“In the event of a wreck or fender bender, the air bag instantly inflates to cushion the driver and passengers from impact. Then, a fraction of a second later the mechanism fires rusty screws and bolts directly into the faces of the driver and his or her passengers. It’s a real marvel of modern engineering.”

When asked why he apparently wanted to murder or maim Americans going about their daily routines, Ogawa replied that he was “fed up” with American exceptionalism and the United States’ cozy relationship with the subhuman Chinese that were threatening to take over the entire South China Sea.

 

shrapnel

Takata issued a press release advising any Americans who had purchased a new vehicle in the last five years wear special anti-shrapnel helmets until the recall could be completed.

“The Divine Wind will sweep across America and its citizens will know once and for all that our beloved Emperor is truly a god,” said Ogawa, as he wrapped a weird bandana around his head and slammed a glass of sake.

Though none of the new airbags have yet been installed, automakers are currently scrambling to locate and replace some one million prototypes and experimental models of the system currently in use in American automobiles.

 

Takata’s new president Shigehisa Takada, grandson of the founder, has apologized to American Ambassador to Japan Caroline Kennedy and has promised that Ogawa will have his head removed with a samurai sword in a ceremony that will take place over the weekend.

 

 

“Mommy, why does that homeless man glow in the dark?”

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homelessjapanese

TOKYO-In an apparent attempt to “kill two birds with one stone,” the Japanese government, via construction companies and the Japanese Mafia, is using homeless men to clean up highly radioactive debris in the area surrounding the Fukushima nuclear power plant. The plant was of course devastated by the Tohoku earthquake and subsequent tsunami on March 11th, 2011, leaving a large area contaminated with radioactive isotopes.

The cleanup of radioactive debris is a monumental problem that is expected to take as long as 50 years and is already three years behind schedule. The Japanese government has awarded contracts to the private sector worth billions of dollars to aid in the effort. Obayashi, Japan’s second-largest construction company, is one of many benefiting from the taxpayer money.

Recently it has been revealed that Japan’s three largest and most creative criminal syndicates, Yamaguchi-gami, Sumiyoshi-kai, and Inagawa-kai, have set up recruiting agencies to supply Obayashi and other construction companies with cheap labor in the form of homeless and otherwise desperate human beings. The unfortunate recruits receive less than minimum wage after the ingenious gangsters take their share of the loot.

A spokesman for Yamaguchi-gami, Mr. Tojo Yamamoto, stated “This system is great victory for everyone involved. Construction companies happy, gangsters happy, homeless drunks happy, government happy. We all velly happy!”

Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly praised the effort, saying that it just goes to show how “damn industrious those wacky Orientals are.” He continued, “It really warms my heart to see corporations force the downtrodden into performing life-threatening tasks for such low pay.”

United States Chamber of Commerce president Nelson Robberbaron agreed. “I can remember when U.S. corporations used to go to Japan to study the highly efficient production and management practices of Sony and Toyota. Now, the Japanese are imitating us! The union of corporate America with the GOP is finally bearing fruit. For example, experts from all over the world are coming here to study how we manage to exploit poor whites while convincing them to vote against their economic interests. It makes me feel good that America is at the leading edge of at least one trend!”

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Japanese government officials deny any radiation hazard around Fukushima despite numerous reports of unusual sea creatures in the area

Japanese government officials played-down the role of gangsters in the hiring process as well as the dangers involved. In a statement released earlier this week, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s office said that the “rumors suggesting that the homeless were being exploited were overblown,” and reports of high radiation levels surrounding the Fukushima plant and in the sea water nearby were “wildly exaggerated.” The statement painted a very optimistic picture of the cleanup efforts, stating that the entire area should be ready for human habitation no later than the year 3015.

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