Tag Archives: jews

Sunni And Shia Leaders Sign Historic Accord

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Lawrence+Damascus

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – (CT&P) – Sunni and Shia Muslim religious leaders signed a historic agreement yesterday that will allow them to keep killing each other “indefinitely.” The agreement, which was mediated by some British dude in white robes, is being heralded by the United Nations as the “first of its kind” in the hot and cold relations between the two groups.

“Although it’s not quite the outcome we had hoped for, it’s really nice to see the two sides coming together and discussing their differences,” said Kahamba Kutesa, President of the U.N. “We hope that this accord is the beginning of a glorious journey down the road to “peace in our time.”

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Both sides expressed hope that the new agreement would ensure that the conflict would continue for generations to come, and many glorious martyrs would be sent to Paradise ahead of schedule.

Both groups seemed pleased with the results and look forward to continued bloodshed with the assurance that the other side will be just as brutal and inhumane as the other.

“I haven’t seen this kind of progress since the 7th century,” said Mohammed Abdulaziz Daud Skyhook, lead negotiator for the Sunnis. “This agreement will allow us to glorify God by butchering those with whom we have a theological disagreement without the nagging fear that they may suddenly want to cooperate and live together in peace. Praise Allah!”

Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Abd-El-Kader Birdadda, Shia representative at the talks, agreed. “This treaty will allow us to slaughter our brother Muslims till the ‘camels come home.’ We are truly excited and look forward to making many martyrs who will shortly be able to kick back in Paradise and participate in wild lizardlike sex with many virgins.”

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The leaders told U.N. observers that through the use of modern weapons such as atomic bombs and poison gas, the two religious factions could break the old casualty record set between Protestants and Catholics in the 17th century

Both sides expressed their desire to increase the rate of bloodletting to a “crescendo of doom” throughout the Middle East and surrounding areas.

“We hope to top the current record of 10 million people murdered in the name of God currently held by Protestants and Catholics during the Thirty Years War,” said Birdadda. “With the help of modern weaponry and the complete lack of empathy on both sides of this conflict, we think we can at least double the old record.”

Both sides stressed that the although the agreement was solely between Sunni and Shia, no restrictions were included that would prevent both sides from murdering Christians, Jews, atheists, or any other religious or non-religious groups in their spare time.

“After all, everyone has to have a hobby,” said Skyhook.

No further talks are scheduled until population levels drop below the level necessary to propagate the two murderous tribes of religious zealots.

King Urges Jews To Quit Being So Antisemitic

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steve-King-Of-Kings1

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Last week U.S. House Representative and Talmudic scholar Steve King (R-IA) gave American Jews a helping hand on how they could better represent their religion by encouraging them to “quit being so antisemitic.” Representative King accused the group of failing to support Israel by disagreeing with the GOP’s policies regarding Iran and the standard Republican policy on the Middle East, which succinctly put is: ‘when in doubt, bomb and invade.’

When asked by a host on Boston Herald radio on Friday about members of Congress who did not attend Bibi Netanyahu’s address earlier in the month King said, “Well, there were some 50 or so Democrats that decided they would boycott the president’s speech. One thing that’s happened is — just look at the polling, that means — here is the thing that I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their president.”

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King’s 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louis Gohmert convinced many Egyptians that a democratic form of government might not be such a good idea. The trip was later immortalized with the release of Disney’s animated film The Three Stooges Do Egypt

After informing King that Bibi was Prime Minister of Israel and not its president, the interviewer asked if antisemitism was a factor. King said it was a component along with “just plain liberalism.”

“You would think that American Jews would care more about Israel and quit being so damn antisemitic,” said King. “I’ve never been to Israel, but I’m told that a lot of Jews live there”

“Jews here in the U.S. just need to get over their liberalism and join us Republicans in pushing for a theater-wide conflict that would engulf the entire Middle East in a seething cauldron of destruction. It’s the sensible thing to do, and besides, it’s what the Bible says, and the Bible is never wrong, especially the New Testament, which was not written by Jews.”

Most political pundits have so far been unable to make any sense whatsoever of Mr. King’s statements, but that is nothing new.

King, who is referred to by most of his fellow representatives in the house as “that village idiot from Iowa,” has repeatedly backed kooky Tea Party policies and spouted utter nonsense on the House floor. His 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert has gone down in history as one of the most absurd overseas trips ever taken by representatives of the U.S. Government.

Although some American Jewish leaders called King’s remarks “an insult to anyone who has a prefrontal cortex,” no one believes that King’s comments will be taken seriously by anyone except those who dropped out of school at the age of nine in order to work on the family hog farm.

ISIS Kicks Off Innovative Socialized Medicine Campaign With Appointment Of Death Panels

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apes5

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – An ISIS spokesman told reporters Monday that ISIS Health and Human Services Secretary Abdul “Madman” Fuqwhaddi, known to the ISIS rank and file as the “Dumb Sheik,” has announced the formation of “Death Panels”  to decide who will live and who will perish in newly conquered towns and territories.

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Secretary Fuqwhaddi assured ISIS execution squads that the carpal tunnel syndrome currently afflicting so many trigger fingers will be covered under the new health care law

“It’s more a matter of allocation of resources rather than anything else,” said the spokesman. “Secretary Fuqwhaddi wants to make sure that all demographic groups get equal treatment under the new health care law.”

“Christian infidels, Jewish pig-dogs, subhuman Yazidis, and our misguided Shiite cousins should all be able to get the health care they need in the form of fast and efficient torture and execution.”

Although the ISIS troops are armed to the teeth courtesy of abandoned high-tech U.S. weaponry, it seems that there is just not enough time in the day to murder everyone who  needs to be murdered.

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Sarah Palin told Fox News dullard Sean Hannity that she predicted this tragedy would occur if Obamacare was passed. “If everyone would just take my advice once in a while, the world would be a much better place,” said Palin.

“We’re doing our best,” said the ISIS spokesman, “but genocide on this scale is damn hard work. If we are going to successfully take this region of the world back into the Stone Age, we really need to concentrate on eliminating all other forms of religion and silence dissent of any type.”

“We are confident that because God is on our side we can get the job done. It’s just going to take dedication and sacrifice on the part of our cowardly and psychotic executioners. They will really deserve a vacation in Fallujah when all this is done. We’ve rounded up a herd of virgins for that very purpose. Nothing motivates a group of crazed Muslim murderers like the promise of virgins after a hard day of butchery, as I am sure you are all aware.”

The American intellectual and perpetual self-promoter Sarah Palin, who first warned of these so-called “Death Panels,” told Fox News today that “I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. I warned everyone that if we passed Obamacare, it would only be a matter of time before a group of administrators would be deciding who lives and who dies, and lo and behold I was right!”