Tag Archives: John Boehner

Republican House Unable To Determine When To Go To The Toilet

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Surprisingly, the normally dim-witted Michele Bachmann was the only Republican House member to successfully urinate during the whole debate

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The Republican controlled House of Representatives begrudgingly admitted yesterday that no one could make a concrete decision on when the Caucus would be allowed a restroom break. The homogenous white male leadership was seen clutching their crotches in obvious discomfort as they milled aimlessly about the chamber.

Coming on the heels of the “do nothing” delegation’s inability to pass even its own version of a watered down bill to deal with the border crisis, the inability of the Republicans to agree on when to urinate could prove disastrous in this fall’s elections.

When questioned about  the apparent disorganization and incompetence displayed by the right-wingers, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) replied, “This disaster should highlight to the American people the utter failure of Obamacare to provide adequate healthcare to the nation’s most important citizens. The fact that we have not been provided with catheters so we can bitch and moan 24 hours a day without interruption (except when on our five-week vacation) is just unforgivable and shows a horrible lack of leadership and a willingness to obstruct on the President’s part.”

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When Tea Party members of the caucus wrested control of the House from the moderates, they dug out the old restroom signs from storage and had them re-posted

At a press conference at the White House later the President responded, “If the Republican House can’t even pass urine successfully, how the hell are they going to pass a border bill? This is not a disagreement between me and the House Republicans, this  is a disagreement between House Republicans and House Republicans. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was watching an episode of ‘Real Morons of Capitol Hill’ rather than our government in action.”

During the debacle the only member of the Republican Caucus to successfully make the trek to the restroom and back was Michele Bachmann, who later told reporters that the entire mess was a plot by Obama to conduct heinous medical experiments on House members by seeing how long they could hold their urine. “I wasn’t born yesterday,” said Bachmann. “I’m too damn smart to fall for a trick like that!”

 

House Republicans Propose “Leningrad Lunch” Program For Urban Youth This Summer

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SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – In 2010, a federal pilot program was instituted to help feed underprivileged urban and rural kids during the summer months. The goal of the program has been to test alternative approaches to distribute aid when schools are not in session. The program has been operating from an initial appropriation of $85 million. Recently the White House asked for an additional $30 million to continue the effort, but a House bill proposed by a group of “compassionate conservatives” provides only $27 million for what’s described as an entirely new pilot program focused on rural areas only.

At a press conference last week, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) explained the change of emphasis to reporters.

“As you all know, the modern Republican Party is built on Christian values and an overarching concern and compassion for our least fortunate citizens, particularly minorities and children,” said Boehner.

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Speaker Boehner was visibly upset as he announced the new “tough love” program. “It’s just too bad we have to starve these kids, but it’s for their own good!”

“We feel that poor urban black and Hispanic kids would be best served by some ‘tough love.’ Paul (Ryan) and I talked it over, and we decided that starving their little black and brown asses over the summer months would teach them some valuable lessons in self-sufficiency and allow them to ‘pull themselves up by the bootstraps’ and learn to make a living on their own without relying on government agencies for help.”

Representative Ryan (R-WI) concurred. “The Bible says: ‘Give a kid a McDonald’s fish sandwich and he is fed for a day, but teach him how to make a fish sandwich at McDonald’s and he will have a subsistence level income for the rest of his life.’ Now who can argue with that logic?”

Ryan continued, “We believe that the method used by the Germans at Leningrad is the best way to alter the tragic cycle of poverty in our inner cities. Instead of spending a bunch of hard-earned money trying to feed and clothe the unfortunates, we intend to starve them out of the cities and make them self-sufficient.”

When asked why poor rural kids would still be receiving the much-needed lunches during the summer months, Boehner replied “Well, all evidence to the contrary, we in the Republican Party are not a bunch of morons, you know. Our loyal base is out there in the countryside. It took us decades to convince poor white folks to vote against their financial interests and we sure as hell don’t want to risk  that voting bloc, not with elections coming up.”

Representative Ryan ended the presser by saying, “Look, we aren’t totally heartless. We intend on instituting another program called ‘Siege Supper’ for kids in depressed urban areas. Road kill, collected by their brothers and sisters out in the country, will be shipped in to the inner city so poor minority kids can learn the art of dressing and preparing possums, raccoons, and a variety of rodents that they can trap and eat right there at home. It will be an exercise in volunteerism and charity for the kids out in the middle of nowhere and serve as a valuable lesson in basic survival for the urban poor. It’ll be a win-win for everybody!”

It has not yet been announced when these programs will be put into action, but national guard troops in all fifty states have been ordered to go on alert as of June 1st.

 

 

Stockman Announces Candidacy for U.S. Senate

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Tea Party darling and unhinged homophobe Steve Stockman has announced his candidacy for the Texas senate seat currently occupied by John Cornyn, one of the most powerful members of Congress.

Presently Stockman represents Texas’ 36th congressional district, just east of Houston. Known around Washington as “Hillbilly Frankenstein”, Stockman is famous for his outrageous comments, tweets, and antics on the House floor.

Stockman has a long and bizarre history in both Texas and D.C. The product of mid-20th century genetic experiments, Stockman began life in a remote village in Bolivia. He was patched together by refugee German scientists who fled Hitler’s Germany in early 1945. Body parts were obtained from the victims of right-wing death squads around South America.

Amphibian and reptile DNA was used to help weave together Stockman’s disparate parts. Scientists in the U.S. think that this fact has a lot to do with his incoherent outbursts and inability to reason. Stockman at times shows flashes of human consciousness, but in the main he exhibits the more primitive instinctive features of lizards and snakes.

“The man operates almost completely on the level of an insect,” said Dr. John Small Berries of the Genetic Research Center in Austin, Texas. “He suffers from three distinct mental disorders, and like many members of these fringe groups, he has none of the qualities we normally attribute to human beings, such as compassion and empathy. He does not possess a rudimentary ‘theory of mind’, an attribute that is present in even some of the less developed mammals such as chimps and elephants.”

Stockman’s outrageous comments and positions over his political career are too numerous to list, but here are a few high points:

He compared President Obama’s use of kids as props to Saddam Hussein’s use of human shields. He has ties to various militia groups around the U.S. He wanted to charge Janet Reno for premeditated murder for the Waco tragedy. He steadfastly refuses to make public the sources of his sizable campaign donations. He advocates giving infants firearms. He authored a press release claiming that the comet ISON was piloted by the prophet Ezekiel and appeared to warn U.S. citizens about the evils of Obamacare.

Some of his tweets:

“If babies had guns, they would not be aborted.”

“Our children are taught that they are sexual from birth, that any type of sex is a valid outlet for their emotions. They are taught that the problem with sex is not that it is wrong to engage in homosexual, bestial, underage, or premarital sex, but that it is wrong to do so without protection.”

“Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.”

Stockman’s lack of higher brain function was on full display when he gave the reasons for his challenge to Cornyn in the Senate. He repeatedly referred to Cornyn as a liberal, the equivalent of calling Michele Bachman a polymath. He also claimed that he was fighting Obamacare in a foxhole while Cornyn was bayoneting him in the back.

Political experts give Stockman about the same odds of winning as they do John Boehner moving inside the Arctic Circle. But if nothing else Texans and the rest of America will get a good display of what happens when a brain-damaged miscreant runs for a U.S. Senate seat.

We called on friend of the column Dr. Frank Black for his comments. “It’s a damn shame. In the late eighties Stockman showed some promise,” Black said. “For a short while he showed signs of higher brain function and began to show some human traits. He even embraced his roots by overcoming his self-repression and embracing a gay lifestyle. He even went so far as to open a bed and breakfast and enrolled in a ceramics class,” Black continued. “However, when the b and b went bust (it was located adjacent to a Houston oil refinery) he just devolved into the Bible-thumping paranoid schizophrenic we see today.”

There is no word yet on what Stockman plans to do after his absurd senate run is squashed. One can only hope he moves back to the Bolivian jungles to ruminate with the descendents of his creators.

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