THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference earlier today, St. Louis County Police Chief Jon Belmar pleaded with the public to cease nocturnal protests over the shooting of unarmed black teen Michael Brown on Saturday.

Members of Ferguson’s racially diverse police force attempt to calm the crowds by firing into them with military style assault weapons

“Due to budget constraints caused by the recession that so recently swept across our beloved land, we were forced to order outdated East German night vision gear to go with our military-grade high-powered sniper rifles,” said Belmar. “Our sharpshooters are having one hell of a time discerning skin color after dark. Everyone just looks the same. You really can’t tell who is a good guy and who is a bad guy…everyone is just a big green blob.”

“One thing we don’t want is any white folks getting killed by mistake,” said the Chief, “that would be a real tragedy.”

Over the last few days, the St. Louis suburb of Ferguson has been wracked with violence as protesters outraged over the 18-year-old’s shooting faced off with police.

Chief Belmar used the tried-and-true “giant ferocious police dog” method of calming unruly black crowds that proved so effective in Birmingham during the 60’s

Although there were reports that some demonstrations were peaceful — protesters held up their hands, as Brown reportedly did, and others demanded a fair inquiry, chanting, “No justice, no peace” — there were also reports of fires, looting, vandalism and attacks on police officers.

As federal civil rights investigators and the FBI carry out their own inquiry into the case, tensions are running high in Ferguson, where there’s a history of distrust between the predominately black community and the largely white police force.

The city of Ferguson’s phones and computer systems were rendered entirely useless this week after Anonymous carried out a cyber attack on its systems. One employee told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the computers acted as if “they were possessed by Satan himself.”

“I am just at loss to explain why negras in our community would be upset about an unarmed black kid being shot multiple times by a white cop, it happens all the time in Florida,” said Chief Belmar.

“All these protests just have to stop. The public has to trust that the same all-white police force that gunned down the kid will conduct a thorough and fair investigation of the incident.”

Meanwhile, the hacktivist group Anonymous is kicking Ferguson in its electronic ass. The group released the following statement this week:

“If you abuse, harass — or harm in any way the protesters in Ferguson we will take every Web-based asset of your departments and governments off-line. That is not a threat, it is a promise. If you attack the protesters, we will attack every server and computer you have. We will dox and release the personal information on every single member of the Ferguson Police Department, as well as any other jurisdiction that participates in the abuse. We will seize all your databases and E-Mail spools and dump them on the Internet. This is your only warning.”

Some citizens of Ferguson who were not involved in the rioting took advantage of the situation to do some shopping at stores in the area where goods had been deeply discounted

Then apparently displeased with the government’s response, it made good on its word.

The Internet crashed at City Hall. E-mail systems were hit. Phones died. City officials told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch a  flood of traffic targeting the city’s site “just kept coming.”

As Ferguson descends into chaos, Chief Belmar is attempting to take positive action to quell the violence. The Chief has been on the horn with chiefs of nearby predominantly white jurisdictions asking for reinforcements and has made a special request for any armored personnel carriers and tanks recently bought as military surplus from the U.S. Army.

“We will destroy the whole damn city and everyone in it before we give in to these shiftless thugs!” said Chief Belmar.