Republican Caucus Nominates Sepp Blatter For Speaker Of The House

 

MUSCAT, OMAN - DECEMBER 09: President of FIFA, Jospeh Sepp Blatter attends a press conference with the Oman Football Association at the Main Press Centre, Al-Musannah Sports City on December 9, 2010 in Muscat, Oman. (Photo by Bryn Lennon/Getty Images)

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – In an emergency meeting held early this morning house Republicans voted unanimously to nominate suspended FIFA President Sepp Blatter for speaker.

Republican leaders hope that the nomination can calm the chaos precipitated by Kevin McCarthy’s withdrawal from the race.

McCarthy was seen by the Republican lunatic fringe Tea Bagger contingent as being too cooperative with rational politicians, whom they consider to be minions of Satan.

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Jordan told Fox News that Blatter represents all the values of the Freedom Caucus and he looks forward to a long and mutually beneficial relationship.

“Mr. Blatter has all the qualities we’re looking for in a leader,” said Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan.

“He’s greedy, mean-spirited, misogynistic, and is devoid of empathy for the less fortunate. We think he’ll do a fine job shutting down the government and completely fucking up the American economy. The main thing here is that we get our way. To hell with the rest of the country.”

Although Mr. Blatter is not a U.S. citizen and is currently the target of a criminal investigation, Jordan said that these were minor problems and may even be considered advantages in the upcoming vote.

“We need an outsider who has no experience in American politics or governance, and a person who is willing to go to any extreme, constitutional or not, to get things done,” said Jordan. “That’s what we Republicans are looking for in a president, and we think we should have a speaker to match.”

An aide to Mr. Blatter told Reuters that he was flattered by the nomination and as soon as he receives the agreed upon sum in unmarked bills he will be on a flight to D.C.

McCarthy Uses Translator To Announce He Is Withdrawing From Race For Speaker Of The House

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WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Representative Kevin McCarthy on Thursday abruptly took himself out of the race to succeed John A. Boehner as House speaker, apparently undone by the same forces that drove Mr. Boehner to resign.

Mr. McCarthy used a translator to make himself understood as he announced his decision after a closed-door meeting with House Republicans in which he told them he was bowing out.

“I have decided that waffle iron football cannot be in the best interests of keeping Iran dress code maximum,” said McCarthy, which according to the translator meant that he was taking himself out of the race for speaker.

“Over last weekly it has become clearing to me and others that our conferences has been is deeply divisive and needs to unite behind one or more leaders. I have always positioned this conferences ahead of me, myself and I. Therefore I am withdrawing far away from my candidatecy for speaker of the House.

“I look forward to working with and alongside against my friendly colleagues to help move an important and carefully planned plan of our conference’s agenda and our countries forward to new heights that it used to attain and might again get there sometime soon if we all exist in cooperation and put our minds to it.”

“I regret that I have only one automobile to give to our country as it struggles with universal Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi,” concluded a confused looking McCarthy as he gazed dully at reporters.

The translator interpreted the statement as meaning that McCarthy was sorry that he fucked up but still believed that Hillary Clinton was the Antichrist and hopefully another House member would be able to prevent her planned takeover of America.

 As shocked members left the meeting and press conference there was a sense of total disarray, with no clear path forward and no set date for a new vote.

Representative Peter King, Republican of New York, told a reporter for The New York Times that “Now we’re really screwed. We look like a bunch of clowns, which is basically what we are. I’d like to strangle that fucking dumb ass!”

John Boehner was seen chuckling as he left the building, whisky sour in hand.

GOP Continues Minority Outreach Program By Sending Some White Guy To Selma

Members Of The Cast From Movie Selma March Over Edmund Pettus Bridge

SELMA, ALABAMA – (CT&P) – Republican leaders continued their efforts to appear human and recruit minorities into the party by sending a white dude down to the 50th Anniversary celebration of the Selma to Montgomery march this weekend. The last-minute decision to send a representative “shows just how committed the Republican Party is to the civil rights of all Americans,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).

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Speaker Boehner told reporters that the GOP leadership hesitated to send anyone important because they did not want to irritate their racist base, who still pines for the “good ole days.”

“It was tough call,” said Boehner, who spoke to reporters this afternoon from the 19th Hole Grub ‘n Pub at beautiful Trump National Golf Course.

“We want to appear as progressive as we can to delusional black and Hispanic voters so we can grab a few extra votes here and there, but we sure as hell don’t want to upset our bigoted backwoods base. So we finally decided to send Kevin down there to have his photo taken at that damn bridge so we could say we were represented at the event. We felt like it was a good compromise since almost no one would know who the fuck he was.”

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of decent people joined to commemorate the “Bloody Sunday” march of 1965 and take stock of the struggle for equality.

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No one was able to identify the Republican dude who traveled to Selma but Boehner told journalists that he is well-known by several dozen white folks in D.C.

In the crowd stood Madeline McCloud of Gainesville, Florida, who traveled overnight with a group of NAACP members from central Florida and marched in Georgia for civil rights back in the day. “For me this could be the end of the journey since I’m 72,” she said. “I’m stepping back into the history we made.” Also in attendance was Peggy Wallace Kennedy, a daughter of the late George Wallace, the Alabama governor who once vowed “segregation forever.”

Selma’s fire department estimated the crowd reached 40,000. Former President George W. Bush  was able to share the platform because he has no intention to run for office again. Other Republican congressional leaders were mostly absent but one, whom no one could identify, joined the walk.

The walk progressed under the bold letters on an arch, identifying the bridge named after Edmund Pettus, a Confederate general, senator and highly respected Ku Klux Klan leader.

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The GOP representative, later identified as Kevin McCarthy, had to leave the proceedings early to attend a fundraiser for Ferguson cops and their families

 

President Obama attended the event and made a moving speech that was later ridiculed by the cretins on Fox News.

Although no one at the event was ever able to determine who the lone Republican congressman was, the AP later identified him as House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

McCarthy was seen leaving the Jubilee early in order to catch a flight to St. Louis, Missouri, where Ted Nugent was hosting a party and fundraiser for members of the Ferguson police force, who are widely believed to soon be in the unemployment line.

White Republican Leaders Defend Fellow White Republican Leader For Defending White Rights At White Supremacist Meeting Attended By White Republicans

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WASHINGTON (CT&P) – House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who is technically a white person, is vigorously supporting House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA), another white person, as he faces a deluge of criticism and questions over a 2002 speech he gave to a white supremacist group.

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Although his skin is a bright orange color most of the time, Speaker Boehner is in fact a white man who is a strong supporter of wealthy white people and their business interests

“More than a decade ago, Representative Scalise made an error in judgment. He was not secretive enough in his support of white supremacists in his state. Like many of my colleagues on our side of the aisle, I know Steve to be a man of high integrity and good character, who will stand up for the rights of wealthy white people all across this great country of ours. He has my full confidence as our Whip, and he will continue to do great and important work for all white Americans,” Boehner said in statement made today outside the “Stars and Bars,” a swanky whites-only supper club in Georgetown.

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who is also white, is standing by Scalise as well.

“Congressman Scalise acknowledged he made a mistake and has condemned himself for being so dumb,” McCarthy said in a statement released moments after Boehner’s. “I’ve known him as a friend for many years and I know that he is much smarter than he appears. I know that if he could do it all over again, he would have insisted that the speaking engagement be held at night in some field using only torches for lighting. That way no one else would have known about it.”

The show of support from GOP leaders came as Scalise has found himself under fire for being a guest speaker at a 2002 meeting of the European-American Unity and Rights Organization, a group founded by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. A Louisiana political blogger unearthed evidence of Scalise’s presence at the rally, and from there the news went viral.

Scalise, who was a state lawmaker at the time, maintains that he spoke to any groups who would give him any money whatsoever and says he didn’t know that EURO was affiliated with racists and neo-Nazi activists.

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Scalise told Reuters that the lighting in the auditorium was “really, really, bad” and he had no idea that the “dudes in sheets” were white supremacists

“Twelve years ago, I spoke to many different Louisiana groups as a state representative, trying to build support for legislation that focused on cutting government handouts to black people and half breeds, eliminating government corruption that did not benefit big business, and stopping tax hikes on the white majority. One of the many groups that I spoke to regarding this critical legislation was a group of folks wearing swastikas and white hoods. I want to stress that I had no idea that they were Nazis or members of the Ku Klux Klan. Had I known they were members of any white supremacist groups, I would have been much more circumspect with my support. It was a mistake I regret, and I want everyone to know that I emphatically oppose any groups that would divide the white majority and thus hurt my chances of re-election,” said Scalise.

He continued, “As a Christian, these groups hold views that are vehemently opposed to my own personal faith, and I reject any kind of hateful bigotry except the kind that keeps desperate Hispanic kids on the Mexican side of the border and prevents homosexuals from enjoying the same civil rights as straight Americans. Those who know me best know I have always been passionate about helping, serving, and fighting for every white family that I represent. And I will continue to do so.”

Duke described Scalise as “a pretty nice guy” and “a family man” and “very white” in a Monday night interview with The Huffington Post. He also said it seemed a bit strange that Scalise — who had a friendly relationship with Duke’s campaign manager Kenny Knight, the EURO event’s organizer — claims he didn’t know what the group’s message was about.

“It would seem to me that the son of bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and this is just another example of the white GOP leadership not having the guts to stand up for what they believe in,” said Duke.