Tag Archives: liverpool

Frustrated By Today’s Loss To Aston Villa, Mario Balotelli Pledges To “Get Medieval On Their Ass”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference just after today’s 1-nil loss to Aston Villa at Anfield, Liverpool striker Mario Balotelli told reporters that he plans on “getting medieval on their ass” the next time the two clubs meet.

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Balotelli effectively declared war on all other teams within the league

Balotelli, along with the rest of the Liverpool offense, looked anemic against a well-organized Aston Villa defense which frustrated the men in red for most of the game.

Balotelli was manhandled and abused by Villa’s defenders, who for most of the game did not have to worry with defending the lightning-fast Raheem Sterling, who rode the bench until late in the second half. Also missing was the creative Daniel Sturridge who is out due to injury.

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Known for his temper tantrums both on and off the field, Balotelli has run into trouble with football’s governing bodies on several occasions

Super Mario looked anything but in the performance, but he pledged that the next time he was on the pitch, things would be different.

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Balotelli was once suspended for five games for kidnapping the opposing goalkeeper’s infant during a match while he was at AC Milan

“Let us have a dagger in our teeth, a bomb in our hands, and infinite scorn in our hearts when we travel to West Ham next week,” said Balotelli, paraphrasing one of his heroes, Benito Mussolini. “War alone brings up to their highest tension all human energies and imposes the stamp of nobility upon the teams that have the courage to make it, and I am declaring war on the rest of the Premier League!”

“It is humiliating to remain with our hands folded while others write history. It matters little who wins. To make a team great it is necessary to send it to battle even if you have to kick it in the shorts. That is what I shall do. Inactivity is death!” screamed Balotelli as he strutted around the podium like a rooster with a mohawk.

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Although Balotelli has often been in trouble with managers and league officials, his good taste has never been questioned

Although he shared Balotelli’s disgust with his team’s performance Liverpool manager Brendon Rodgers could shed no light on Balotelli’s obsession with fascist dictatorships.

“I have no fucking clue what the dude is talking about,” said Rodgers. “I just wish the son of bitch would mark his man better during corner kicks.”

Suarez Repents, Joins The Messiah And His Disciples At Barcelona

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) Luis Suarez has been “born again” and signed a deal to join Our Lord and Savior, Lionel Messi, at Barcelona next season. Barcelona purchased the part-time cannibal for £75m from Liverpool.

The only potential barrier to the deal’s completion is the need for the striker to pass a medical but that, as with the finalization of personal terms, is expected to be a mere formality. By early next week Suárez, who has already passed a preliminary examination from a Barça club doctor in Montevideo, should be rubber stamped in a five-year deal.

“As long as we don’t find an inordinately large percentage of human flesh in his digestive tract he’s good to go,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo, Barcelona’s team physician.

Suarez will join the club as part of an already formidable attack featuring the Apostle Neymar, Saint Pedro Rodríguez, and of course the Prince of Pitch and goal-scoring Messiah, Leo Messi. 

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Barcelona coaches will be taking a variety of measures to prevent injury to their midfielders and defensive players during practice sessions

Suarez bid farewell to Liverpool and its incredible fans by saying: “Both me and my family have fallen in love with this club and with the city but most of all I have fallen in love with the incredible fans. You have always supported me and we, as a family, will never forget it, we will always be Liverpool supporters.”

“However, I don’t think that anyone can deny the cuisine available on the Iberian peninsula is superior. I always thought that one of the major causes of my insatiable craving for human flesh was the horrific English food. How much of that crap can you eat before you lose your mind? I just can’t fathom what you people are thinking about. I mean Jesus Christ, fish and chips, bangers and mash, toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, spotted dick, the list goes on and on! Spotted dick? Are you serious?”

Suarez’ family already lives in Barcelona so the move will not be a traumatic one, and most analysts predicted that he would end up there or at Real Madrid this season.

The addition of the borderline sociopath to the Barcelona attack will make the already much-feared disciples of Messi that much harder to beat. Details of Suarez’ suspension for his latest barbaric attempt to eat an opposing player are yet to be worked out because his lawyer is appealing FIFA’s “draconian” penalty.

Opposing teams in La Liga are scrambling to vaccinate their defensive players against rabies and distemper in time for next month’s start of the season.

Soylent Creator Rob Rhinehart Announces New Spokesman For Food Replacement Drink

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CP&T) – At a press conference shortly after the conclusion of the Italy vs Uruguay World Cup match, creator and champion of the nutritional drink Soylent Rob Rhinehart announced that Liverpool soccer superstar Luis Suarez will join the Soylent team as spokesman and vice president of marketing.

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Dr. Frank Black pointed out that many cannibals have risen to considerable heights in politics and society and have accomplished great things.

The position will no doubt help fill in the gap left in Suarez’s income that he will suffer because of his attempt to devour Italian player Giorgio Chiellini. The incident is the third in a series of biting incidents involving Suarez.

Suarez’s thirst for human flesh is thought to be the result of his upbringing in Salto, Uruguay. As a child, Luis was forced to consume several siblings and schoolmates in order to stay alive. Although Suarez has used his incredible physical talent to become a wealthy and successful soccer player, he still retains some of the savagery present in his youth.

“Once you taste human flesh, there’s really no turning back,” said Dr. Frank Black, of the Cannibal and Headhunter Anti-Defamation League. “Luis can’t be blamed for these urges. I expect FIFA and other football organizations to try to make him a scapegoat, but plenty of people have endured that kind of unwarranted criticism and risen to great heights in society.”

“We intend to back Luis 100% whether he is on the pitch or on television promoting liquified human flesh.”

The biting incident just occurred hours ago, so there is no telling what FIFA’s investigation may find, but no one expects Suarez to appear again in this World Cup, unless it is at one of the refreshment stands in the stadium offering human pot stickers or at the popular Brazilian steak house chain, Donner’s Biped Cattle Company.

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Suarez will become Soylent’s first spokesman and part of the ad campaign will include a series of interstate billboards.