Tag Archives: louie gohmert

Progressive Texas Politicians Vote To Give Black Folks Their Very Own Community Swimming Pools

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AUSTIN – (CT&P) – In a move sure to draw fire from the libertarian wing of the Republican Party, a group of Texas state representatives has voted to provide black people with their very own community swimming pools. The group, who call themselves “Compassionate Cretins,” are backed by support from Senator and presidential pretender Ted Cruz  and U.S. House Representative and accomplished idiot Louie Gohmert, both from the once sane state of Texas.

The bill, dubbed the “Equal Swimming Rights for Black Folks Bill of 2015,” would provide “separate but equal” swimming pools for Texas’ approximately 3 1/2 million black residents.

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Proponents of the controversial bill emphasize that the swimming pools reserved for use by black folks will be top quality and will be provided with shady areas where visitors can relax and cool off.

“We just want to relieve tensions between the races and provide safe swimming areas for our minorities here in Texas,” said Billy Bob McSnoot from Steaming Turd Springs. “Besides, the Bible says we ought not be mixing different races while submerged in various liquids, and I think everyone can agree the water is a liquid most of the time.”

U.S. House Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), a strong supporter of the bill, told CNN that the program would be “a real money saver” because there would be fewer calls to 911 by bigoted assholes concerned that black kids were polluting their pristine community swimming pools.

“Everyone knows that most black people are socialist Muslims, just like our president,” said Gohmert, “they spread disease and steal things. It costs us a fortune to send cops out to kill them all the time, so we figured if we isolated them in their own special swimming areas, we could save a ton of money and heartache.”

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Senator Cruz said he looked forward to the day when secular humanists and other subhumans would have their very own special places to go enjoy outdoor activities.

“Plus, it’ll give our police officers more time to do what they’re really good at: murdering homeowner’s dogs,” concluded Gohmert.

Wacked out religious kook Ted Cruz agreed, saying “I have no doubt that this bill will grow jobs in and around Texas. If we can make this work, I think the novel idea of ‘separate but equal’ swimming pools will sweep across the Bible Belt. I envision a whole series of different swimming areas reserved specifically for the use of liberals, atheists, Muslims, and other unsaved trash around the southeast. We could call it the ‘Casebolt-Slager Swimming Trail.'”

The bill has received enthusiastic grassroots support from the Texas chapter of the Tea Party and several other medieval political associations. The bill is expected to pass easily through the Republican dominated Texas state house and be signed by Texas’ paranoid conspiracy theorist governor Greg Abbott sometime next week.

 

Experts Believe Bachmann Running Dangerously Low On Power

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Experts from several university research groups around the world are warning U.S. government officials that Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) may be rapidly approaching the end of her battery life. If this occurs, the researchers warn, Bachmann’s operating system will automatically switch over to emergency reserve power, which will only keep her body alive. What little brain function she has left will cease altogether, making her an unpredictable killing machine with the strength of a psychotic chimpanzee.

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Bachmann’s erratic behavior, crazy ideas, and terrifying facial expressions mirror those of earlier android models designed by East German scientists shortly after World War II

“This is what happens when ex-Nazis from the Soviet bloc throw together an android from used truck parts and old adding machines,” said Professor Stephen Roberts of the Department of Engineering Science, University of Oxford. “You get a barely functional robot that is a danger to all of humanity. Sure, she looks human on the outside, but her prefrontal cortex is little more than a jumble of loose wires, nuts, and bolts. What amazed us was that those crazy Americans could be so dense as to choose her to represent them in Congress.”

Although Bachmann has been highly erratic and shown little ability to reason throughout her political career, she was never thought to be a danger to those around her or the general public. Most people who heard her weird ideas and imbecilic statements just ignored her like they would a mentally challenged third-grader. That could change if her batteries totally fail and she switches to emergency power, according to Professor Roberts.

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Professor Roberts warned Pentagon officials that Bachmann could become a mindless killing machine not unlike the zombies on the Walking Dead

“She’s already showing signs of a complete mental shutdown,” said Roberts. “Last week she appeared before the House and claimed to be some kind of Biblical ‘lawgiver’ before starting a mad rant about Moses and John Boehner. Then, at a Christmas party over the weekend Bachmann begged your President Obama to incinerate Iran ‘just to be on the safe side.’ Only yesterday she appeared on the Laura “I Hate Children” Ingraham radio show foaming at the mouth about executive actions on immigration. I’m telling you, the woman is dangerous.”

“If this deranged individual’s batteries fail altogether, she could become a mindless killing machine with the strength of six men,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, who is in Oxford on loan from the Banzai Institute in New Jersey. “We are really keen to see what happens, so we can more accurately predict what is going to happen when other feeble-minded androids such as Ted Cruz and Louie Gohmert lose power.”

Both professors recommended that for the safety of her family and the American public, Rep. Bachmann should be physically restrained and placed in a controlled environment so she could be observed around the clock.

When reached for comment on Bachmann’s recent ravings, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) remarked, “Look, I’m just glad that crazy bitch will no longer be my responsibility. Maybe I’ll be able to back off the smokes and scotch a little once she’s gone.”

 

 

Astronauts Bachmann, Gohmert And King Tapped For 2016 Mission To Mars

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced today that the long-awaited choice of astronauts for the unprecedented manned mission to Mars has finally been made. Representative Michel Bachmann (R-MN) will command the mission, Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX) will be Payload Specialist and Representative Steve King (R-IA) will be Flight Engineer for the 2 1/2 year round trip.

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The crew of simpletons will be required to do little more than popping the hatch and planting an American flag on the surface of Mars before getting back in the spacecraft and playing checkers for 18 months while they wait for the return launch window.

The choice of astronauts for the mission has been delayed several times over the past six months and has been a source of consternation within NASA and other Federal agencies. Bolden placed blame for the delays on the stringent physical and psychological requirements needed to make the long and boring mission a success.

Bolden told reporters that the length of the mission presented a great many challenges to the crew, as well as to Mission Control in Houston.

“The spacecraft is so advanced that it can basically fly itself, so our main concern was just what type of crew we wanted to man this thing,” said Bolden.

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Bachmann was thrilled to be named commander of the first manned mission to Mars

“We have several critical challenges that the astronauts will have to surmount during the Mars expedition: isolation and monotony, distance-related communication delays with the Earth, leadership issues, group interaction, and cultural misunderstandings and political differences within the crew,” said Bolden.

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NASA engineers had to totally re-work the payload capabilities of the spacecraft when Bachmann insisted on bringing along a granite copy of the Ten Commandments so that “The people of Mars will be reminded to abide by God’s will.”

“Because of these dilemmas, we sought out a crew that is basically composed of people who are barely intelligent enough to drive automobiles here  on earth,” Bolden said.

“That way, all we have to do is say something like, ‘Push the bright red blinking button now, Michelle,’ Or, ‘Time to dump the waste now Louie,’ or ‘STEVE! Put your fucking helmet on before popping the hatch this time!’  in order to get these twits to Mars alive and in one piece.”

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The crew cabin of the Mars spacecraft had to be redesigned in order to accommodate Representative Gohmert’s pet goat Snowball. For many years he has refused to go anywhere without her.

“Their almost total inability to reason or engage in critical thought will prevent them from getting bored and going insane on the long trip. After all, the three of them have spent years in Congress without doing anything constructive, so we think that they will hold up just fine playing checkers and talking amongst themselves about illegal immigrants, gay marriage, Benghazi, and Obamacare for almost 30 months straight.”

“We feel that the fact that none of these people ever come up with any ideas or attitudes that were not around during the Middle Ages, and their almost total homogeneity on important issues confronting the world today, will allow them to avoid arguments and petty disputes that could lead to disaster among a more intelligent flight crew,” said Bolden.

Unfortunately for the crew the mission means that they will all have to, temporarily at least, retire from politics.

“It’s a sacrifice that we feel is well worth it,” said Bachmann. “All three of us feel that we will be greeted as liberators and heroes by the oppressed people of Mars. After all, no human beings have been there since the Apollo program. It will be interesting to see what progress they have made since then.”

Perhaps the happiest man on earth when the choice of crew was announced was Speaker of the House John Boehner. As he was exiting Golden Tan and Massage in Georgetown today he told reporters “Thank God those morons won’t be around for the presidential election. We can’t afford to look like idiots again in 2016.”