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King Urges Jews To Quit Being So Antisemitic

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Last week U.S. House Representative and Talmudic scholar Steve King (R-IA) gave American Jews a helping hand on how they could better represent their religion by encouraging them to “quit being so antisemitic.” Representative King accused the group of failing to support Israel by disagreeing with the GOP’s policies regarding Iran and the standard Republican policy on the Middle East, which succinctly put is: ‘when in doubt, bomb and invade.’

When asked by a host on Boston Herald radio on Friday about members of Congress who did not attend Bibi Netanyahu’s address earlier in the month King said, “Well, there were some 50 or so Democrats that decided they would boycott the president’s speech. One thing that’s happened is — just look at the polling, that means — here is the thing that I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their president.”

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King’s 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louis Gohmert convinced many Egyptians that a democratic form of government might not be such a good idea. The trip was later immortalized with the release of Disney’s animated film The Three Stooges Do Egypt

After informing King that Bibi was Prime Minister of Israel and not its president, the interviewer asked if antisemitism was a factor. King said it was a component along with “just plain liberalism.”

“You would think that American Jews would care more about Israel and quit being so damn antisemitic,” said King. “I’ve never been to Israel, but I’m told that a lot of Jews live there”

“Jews here in the U.S. just need to get over their liberalism and join us Republicans in pushing for a theater-wide conflict that would engulf the entire Middle East in a seething cauldron of destruction. It’s the sensible thing to do, and besides, it’s what the Bible says, and the Bible is never wrong, especially the New Testament, which was not written by Jews.”

Most political pundits have so far been unable to make any sense whatsoever of Mr. King’s statements, but that is nothing new.

King, who is referred to by most of his fellow representatives in the house as “that village idiot from Iowa,” has repeatedly backed kooky Tea Party policies and spouted utter nonsense on the House floor. His 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert has gone down in history as one of the most absurd overseas trips ever taken by representatives of the U.S. Government.

Although some American Jewish leaders called King’s remarks “an insult to anyone who has a prefrontal cortex,” no one believes that King’s comments will be taken seriously by anyone except those who dropped out of school at the age of nine in order to work on the family hog farm.

Texas Representative Steve Stockman: Man Or Astro-man?

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by
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As seen in these photos Stockman has the ability to morph into a variety of shapes, sizes and species in order to confound humans

AUSTIN-Recent rumors that Texas Representative Steve Stockman (R) is in reality some sort of shape-shifting xenomorph from outer space appear to have been confirmed this week as photos of him in various states of metamorphosis have surfaced. Mr. Stockman’s wild antics in Congress and his lack of any coherent thought process, combined with his insane neo-fascist political stances, have long led some to believe that he is a member of an alien race masquerading as a human being.

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Stockman (right) conferring with friend and collaborator Texas State Senator Basil T. Buttplug

Although many have had their doubts about the terrestrial ancestry of the Texas delegation in general and Stockman in particular, no proof has ever been presented to the general public that Stockman was anything other than an average Tea Party dullard, albeit a colorful one. However, his wild ravings, complete lack of compassion and empathy for human beings, and his weird obsession with Twitter led some intrepid journalists and photographers to dig deeper.

Our ace political reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker has been  working on the “Stockman conundrum” for quite some time now. With the help of members of the Millennium Group and a shadowy photographer known only as “The Riddler,” he has come up with some answers.

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Stockman speaking at a Tea Party fundraiser and book-burning festival late last fall

Bruce was able to meet with the mysterious photographer “The Riddler” in a highly segregated “whites-only” suburb north of Atlanta, Georgia. He was able to obtain photographs made using secret technology developed by the research and development division of the “Millennium Group.” The photos show a very different Steve Stockman than the one elected to the U.S. House by the good citizens of Texas. In the photos, Stockman can be seen in many of his different forms, and some even catch him in the act of shape-shifting.

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In this photo you can clearly see Stockman morphing into a Lovecraftian creature capable of unimaginable evil

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This is a photograph of Stockman decapitating former Republican Party House Majority Leader Tom Delay after a heated argument over illegal immigration

It seems that Stockman is able to metamorphose into different body shapes and even different alien species. Sometimes Stockman allows humans to see him as he really is, while at other times he uses massive clouds of narcotic flatulence to mask his appearance and mesmerize nearby humans. The toxic gas makes them highly susceptible to suggestion which helps to explain Stockman’s puzzling popularity with otherwise rational Texans.

Stockman’s ability to appear rational and productive at times has served him well and even taken him to the halls of power in Washington, D.C. However, according to “The Coyote,” it is all just a clever facade that masks a boiling mass of malevolent protoplasm.

Stockman has used his shape-shifting talents to fool large voting blocs in Texas into electing him on two different occasions, once in the 9th District and more recently in the 36th District. He is currently running against incumbent John Cornyn in the Republican primary for Senate.

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Artist’s rendering of Representative Michele Bachmann as she truly appears

Experts are worried that a large enough discharge of Stockman’s noxious gas at a convention center or campaign rally could tip the balance and Texans could be deluded into making him the state’s second senator from outer space. “Such a result could endanger not only Texas but the entire United States,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center for Sanity in Politics. “We can’t risk it. Someone has to take action and get these creatures out of politics. It may be a job for our special forces troops or maybe we can ask Putin if we could borrow some of those Spetsnaz dudes after they get through in Crimea.”

Some scientists speculate that many other representatives of the Tea Party and other right-wing factions are in reality also members of this baleful species from another galaxy, bent on the destruction of all that is good and redeeming about humanity. Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) and Representative Louis Gohmert (R-TX) are also on the list of suspected xenomorphs. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is thought to be a female member of the race and may even be the queen regnant.