Tag Archives: Michele Bachmann

“MOVE BITCH, Get Out The Way!”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Please God someone get this woman to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I’ve seen grown men rip their own heads off in order to avoid listening to her patented and unique brand of stupid.

She is running neck and neck in the moron department with that other “glittering jewel of colossal ignorance”, Michele Bachmann, and that takes an extraordinary amount of incoherence.

There is a special place in Hell awaiting John McCain for dragging this monster out of the wilds of Alaska and putting her in front of a bloody camera! Why doesn’t he advocate bombing this creature? That’s his standard solution to every other problem.

Oh, the humanity!

GET OUT THE WAY BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

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Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

Doug & Dinsdale Piranha

In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”

 

 

 

 

 

Republican House Unable To Determine When To Go To The Toilet

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Surprisingly, the normally dim-witted Michele Bachmann was the only Republican House member to successfully urinate during the whole debate

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The Republican controlled House of Representatives begrudgingly admitted yesterday that no one could make a concrete decision on when the Caucus would be allowed a restroom break. The homogenous white male leadership was seen clutching their crotches in obvious discomfort as they milled aimlessly about the chamber.

Coming on the heels of the “do nothing” delegation’s inability to pass even its own version of a watered down bill to deal with the border crisis, the inability of the Republicans to agree on when to urinate could prove disastrous in this fall’s elections.

When questioned about  the apparent disorganization and incompetence displayed by the right-wingers, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) replied, “This disaster should highlight to the American people the utter failure of Obamacare to provide adequate healthcare to the nation’s most important citizens. The fact that we have not been provided with catheters so we can bitch and moan 24 hours a day without interruption (except when on our five-week vacation) is just unforgivable and shows a horrible lack of leadership and a willingness to obstruct on the President’s part.”

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When Tea Party members of the caucus wrested control of the House from the moderates, they dug out the old restroom signs from storage and had them re-posted

At a press conference at the White House later the President responded, “If the Republican House can’t even pass urine successfully, how the hell are they going to pass a border bill? This is not a disagreement between me and the House Republicans, this  is a disagreement between House Republicans and House Republicans. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was watching an episode of ‘Real Morons of Capitol Hill’ rather than our government in action.”

During the debacle the only member of the Republican Caucus to successfully make the trek to the restroom and back was Michele Bachmann, who later told reporters that the entire mess was a plot by Obama to conduct heinous medical experiments on House members by seeing how long they could hold their urine. “I wasn’t born yesterday,” said Bachmann. “I’m too damn smart to fall for a trick like that!”

 

As Hopes Fade Of Finding Brain, Bachmann Believed To Be On “Zombie Autopilot”

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WASHINGTON-As hopes fade for ever locating and recovering Michele Bachmann’s mind, a team of experts is analyzing data from a variety of sources in order to chart the rapid deterioration of her prefrontal cortex. The team hopes that by doing this a reasonable hypothesis can be made as to the cause of Bachmann’s erratic course and irrational flights of fancy.

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Dr. John Bigboote is leading the team from Yoyodyne that is desperately trying to locate Representative Bachmann’s mind

The team of distinguished scientists and physicians from Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey specializes in assessing brain damage and degenerative mental disorders. It is focusing its efforts on analyzing appearances made by Bachmann over the last few weeks on Fox as well as legitimate news outlets.

“The data strongly indicates that Representative Bachmann is suffering from the progressive deterioration of her higher mental function,” said Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team. “You can clearly see that she has little or no ability left to reason or comprehend anything above a sixth grade level. In fact, it appears her body is being sustained by the primitive parts of her brain such as the cerebellum and spinal cord. Her frontal lobes are almost completely shut down,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Right now, Michele Bachmann is little more than an oversized bipedal lizard. I guess you could call her a ‘Jesus Lizard,'” he chuckled.

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Editor’s note: Our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker visited Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems late last week in order to get an interview for this article. He has not been the same since. He is convinced the planet is being taken over by an alien race of “Red Lectroids” from Planet 10 by way of the 8th Dimension. We have granted him sick leave to seek medical treatment.

Dr. John Small Berries, a well-known brain surgeon and expert in inter-dimensional time travel, told our reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the team has been tracking a series of “ghostly pings”originating from Bachmann’s medulla oblongata that are apparently meant to communicate with her prefrontal cortex. “According to our data, Bachmann’s brain functions have shut down one-by-one over a period of several years. Whether these actions were self-inflicted or the result of some terrorist act on the part of the left-wing of the Democrat party is totally unknown,” said Small Berries.

Dr. John Yaya, another member of the team from Yoyodyne, told “The Coyote” that “We really have no clue at this time just where in the hell Bachmann’s mind is at. It could be anywhere from the jungles of Vietnam to somewhere at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. It’s a real mystery.”

Dr. Bigboote told our earstwhile reporter that time is running out for finding and recovering Bachmann’s aimlessly wandering mind. “We are analyzing new data the minute it comes in, but we can’t expect Bachmann’s brain stem to last too much longer. The information we could recover from her memory banks could go a long way in explaining her inane remarks and asinine actions on the floor of the House, but if the ‘battery life’ on her neural ‘black box’ runs out, we’re basically fucked.”

 

 

 

 

 

Bowing To Pressure From The Christian Right, Disney Announces Construction of New “Nine Circles Of Hell” Theme Park

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ORLANDO-Under extreme pressure from Tea Party officials and facing the threat of boycotts from right-wing Christian organizations, Disney has announced a total image makeover. As part of the change, officials have hired new producers and directors, a new spokesperson, and have plans for a massive new theme park dedicated solely to the beliefs of evangelical Christians. The new park is being designed to influence and convert young children who may be thinking about taking a different path in life. “We want to do our part to help youngsters decide to do what is right and reject the lies of science and reason,” said Disney’s new spokesperson Phil Robertson. “We really think we can be a positive influence on those five or six-year-old kids who are weighing the advantages of becoming  lifetime disciples of Satan as opposed to doing the right thing and choosing Jesus.”

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The always cheerful and uplifting serial killer of water fowl Phil Robertson will be Disney’s new spokesperson.

As part of the makeover, Disney will only produce low-grossing films and animated features of a religious nature that emphasize leading a life dedicated to faith and superstition while renouncing the evils of logical thought and enlightenment. Although this will diminish corporate profits and lead to a less educated generation of young adults, Disney executives feel that the stock prices of the company will be propped up by block purchases by godly corporations such as Hobby Lobby and Vatican Investments, Inc.

The changes in production and public relations form only two-thirds of the makeover triad. The centerpiece of the new Disney will feature a multi-billion dollar theme park known as “The Nine Circles of Hell.” The park will consist of a variety of educational attractions for the kiddies such as museums dedicated to refuting hundreds of years of scientific progress and societal evolution. Disney has hired Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky, as well as Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, as consultants on the new project. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has been hired as Disney’s new adviser on science and education.

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Children will be reminded of the consequences of sin by a series of cheerful signs posted along the route of the new “Descent Into Hell” ride.

“The new park will do its best to convince youngsters that all this talk of evolution, climate change, and the big bang is just mumbo jumbo,” said Robertson, as he spoke to reporters from his home in Fecal Shoals, Louisiana. “I mean, anyone with any sense knows that the earth is only about 6000 years old. All this crap about the ‘big bang’ is just liberal propaganda.” Robertson, who was dissembling and cleaning an AR-15 as he spoke, continued: “But what we really want to emphasize is the consequences of choosing a sinful lifestyle. We believe that the best way to keep kids from deciding to be homosexual perverts and servants of the Devil is to scare the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s why I’m so excited about the new ‘Descent Into Hell’ children’s ride we have planned. It should really make guys want to stick with having sex with women. I mean, everybody knows they have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

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The entrance to the new ride will feature a melancholy apocalyptic landscape in order to get the kids into a depressed and pessimistic mood before the descent.

According to engineers at Disney, the innovative “Descent Into Hell” ride will be educational as well as fun. Kids (as well as backsliding adults) will be fitted with stylish straight jackets hand-made by Luddites camped outside the park. Then the kids will be tied to saddles atop mechanical dinosaurs who will then descend through the mouth of a cave into the bowels of hell. The kids will be bombarded by a dark and melancholy musical score consisting of works by Wagner and Mahler in the upper levels and the continuous repetition of Barber’s Adagio for Strings as they approach the lower infernal regions.

The first level of the ride of course begins in Limbo, where the kids are taken on a tour of the U.S. Senate and House Chambers and treated to a seemingly never-ending cable newscast about the mysterious flight of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Then the robotic raptors lumber on down to the lower levels of the ride where more Lovecraftian horrors will await the already perplexed and despondent children. Disney engineers are particularly proud of level three, Gluttony, where androids manufactured in the likenesses of Rush Limbaugh, Chris Christie, and William Howard Taft charge out of a thick soupy fog and threaten to devour the kids alive. “It just about the scariest thing I have ever been a part of designing,” said Matt McClendon, a part-time programmer for Disney.

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A holographic version of the Roman poet Virgil will accompany each child on their journey through the fires of hell. Here Virgil can be seen with his buddies Dante and Captain Phlegyas as they enjoy a dinner cruise along the River Styx

Perhaps the most innovative feature in the entire new park is the totally interactive hologram of the Roman poet Virgil who will accompany the kids on their trip to Hades. The ghostly apparition of Virgil, fully equipped with artificial intelligence, we be able to explain thousands of different sins and their consequences to the children in over 100 different languages.  Virgil will be able to answer all the burning questions that are on the minds average American five-year-olds, such as “What happens if I spill my milk?” Or “What happens to me if I believe in evolution?”  Or “What happens if I miss the March 31st deadline for signing up for Obamacare?” Or most importantly, “What happens to my immortal soul if I am unable to overcome the constant pressure emanating from Democrats and the liberal media and decide to turn gay?”

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Phil Robertson, Disney’s new spokesperson, made it a condition of his employment that Virgil be programmed to drone on and on about how women had “more to offer down there” and how legalizing gay marriage would bring about the downfall of western civilization. More than one programmer was heard to utter “Methinks he doth protest too much.”

Disney plans to have grief counselors and psychologists specializing in the treatment of early childhood trauma standing by at the exit of the ride to try to stave off lawsuits from the parents of kids who may become mentally unhinged or permanently disabled by the experience. “We want to err on the side of caution when it comes to these young skulls full of mush,” said Dr. Joe Mengele Jr., a staff physician at Disney. “We know we can’t be perfect, but we want to limit the number of cases of PTSD to the bare minimum.”

As everyone knows Disney has the “Midas Touch” when it comes to new projects, and great things are predicted for the new park. Christian youth groups and Sunday school classes from all over the country have already booked reservations at the new park even before construction has begun. However, spokesman Phil Robertson was quick to emphasize that it was not all about the money. “We want to fight the influence of ‘Big Gay,’ ‘Big Mooslim,’ and ‘Big Lucifer’ wherever we see them taking root. This is about saving souls and raising a whole generation of kids who will not be exposed to the dangers of science, reason, and individual choice. It’s all a part of our nationwide campaign to ‘Just Say No To Satan.’ I’m confident that any child who visits the new park will be so befuddled and terrified by the experience that he or she will have no choice but to follow the right path and reject the evils that a more compassionate and tolerant society have forced upon us. The future looks bright at Disney.”

Texas Representative Steve Stockman: Man Or Astro-man?

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As seen in these photos Stockman has the ability to morph into a variety of shapes, sizes and species in order to confound humans

AUSTIN-Recent rumors that Texas Representative Steve Stockman (R) is in reality some sort of shape-shifting xenomorph from outer space appear to have been confirmed this week as photos of him in various states of metamorphosis have surfaced. Mr. Stockman’s wild antics in Congress and his lack of any coherent thought process, combined with his insane neo-fascist political stances, have long led some to believe that he is a member of an alien race masquerading as a human being.

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Stockman (right) conferring with friend and collaborator Texas State Senator Basil T. Buttplug

Although many have had their doubts about the terrestrial ancestry of the Texas delegation in general and Stockman in particular, no proof has ever been presented to the general public that Stockman was anything other than an average Tea Party dullard, albeit a colorful one. However, his wild ravings, complete lack of compassion and empathy for human beings, and his weird obsession with Twitter led some intrepid journalists and photographers to dig deeper.

Our ace political reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker has been  working on the “Stockman conundrum” for quite some time now. With the help of members of the Millennium Group and a shadowy photographer known only as “The Riddler,” he has come up with some answers.

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Stockman speaking at a Tea Party fundraiser and book-burning festival late last fall

Bruce was able to meet with the mysterious photographer “The Riddler” in a highly segregated “whites-only” suburb north of Atlanta, Georgia. He was able to obtain photographs made using secret technology developed by the research and development division of the “Millennium Group.” The photos show a very different Steve Stockman than the one elected to the U.S. House by the good citizens of Texas. In the photos, Stockman can be seen in many of his different forms, and some even catch him in the act of shape-shifting.

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In this photo you can clearly see Stockman morphing into a Lovecraftian creature capable of unimaginable evil

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This is a photograph of Stockman decapitating former Republican Party House Majority Leader Tom Delay after a heated argument over illegal immigration

It seems that Stockman is able to metamorphose into different body shapes and even different alien species. Sometimes Stockman allows humans to see him as he really is, while at other times he uses massive clouds of narcotic flatulence to mask his appearance and mesmerize nearby humans. The toxic gas makes them highly susceptible to suggestion which helps to explain Stockman’s puzzling popularity with otherwise rational Texans.

Stockman’s ability to appear rational and productive at times has served him well and even taken him to the halls of power in Washington, D.C. However, according to “The Coyote,” it is all just a clever facade that masks a boiling mass of malevolent protoplasm.

Stockman has used his shape-shifting talents to fool large voting blocs in Texas into electing him on two different occasions, once in the 9th District and more recently in the 36th District. He is currently running against incumbent John Cornyn in the Republican primary for Senate.

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Artist’s rendering of Representative Michele Bachmann as she truly appears

Experts are worried that a large enough discharge of Stockman’s noxious gas at a convention center or campaign rally could tip the balance and Texans could be deluded into making him the state’s second senator from outer space. “Such a result could endanger not only Texas but the entire United States,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center for Sanity in Politics. “We can’t risk it. Someone has to take action and get these creatures out of politics. It may be a job for our special forces troops or maybe we can ask Putin if we could borrow some of those Spetsnaz dudes after they get through in Crimea.”

Some scientists speculate that many other representatives of the Tea Party and other right-wing factions are in reality also members of this baleful species from another galaxy, bent on the destruction of all that is good and redeeming about humanity. Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) and Representative Louis Gohmert (R-TX) are also on the list of suspected xenomorphs. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is thought to be a female member of the race and may even be the queen regnant.

Nation In Shock Over 2014 Budget

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WASHINGTON-Yesterday President Obama signed the $1.1 trillion spending bill that will fund the federal government until the end of September. The bill passed with large majorities in both houses of Congress, garnering widespread bipartisan support. The cooperation shown between the two opposing parties stunned most Americans.

“The lack of senseless bickering from both sides has left many Americans speechless,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity In Politics. “The public really does not know what to think about these people actually doing the job they were elected to do. Just when everyone thought that we had a dependable pattern of continuous gridlock caused by a small group of ignorant reactionaries, the rug gets pulled out from under us by this bipartisanship.”

Although most lawmakers were pleased that the country did not have to be embarrassed by another senseless government shutdown, a few were disappointed. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who since her election has consistently vied for the crown of “Most Vapid and Ignorant Living Politician,” stated “I just could not bring myself to vote for a bill that spent millions helping lazy poor people and at the same time failed to place the Ten Commandments in every public building in America.”

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was said to be in so much distress over his waning influence that aides were forced to check him into an Austin mental health center where he is said to be suffering from clinical depression.

Tea Party representatives have vowed to continue the fight against bipartisanship and cooperation in Congress. Jenny Beth Martin, national coordinator for the vacuous Tea Party Patriots, stated “We may have lost this round, but we promise the American public that we will make a comeback in 2014. We’ll do our best to embarrass the country in the eyes of the world and we’ll strive to smother economic recovery through another government shutdown if at all possible.”

Right wing think tanks were also upset. The Club For Growth And Enrichment Of The One Percent issued a statement saying “This bill is fat with pork and handouts to the poorest and most oppressed Americans. It’s a disgrace. Subsidies should be reserved for large oil companies and Big Agriculture. If we continue down this road there will be nothing left for the wealthy!”

President Obama was pleased with the cooperation in Congress and praised the work and determination shown by lawmakers in both parties. He was smiling and joking as he signed the bill, which sent Fox News pundits into fits of pique not seen since he signed the Affordable Care Act.

Stockman Announces Candidacy for U.S. Senate

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Tea Party darling and unhinged homophobe Steve Stockman has announced his candidacy for the Texas senate seat currently occupied by John Cornyn, one of the most powerful members of Congress.

Presently Stockman represents Texas’ 36th congressional district, just east of Houston. Known around Washington as “Hillbilly Frankenstein”, Stockman is famous for his outrageous comments, tweets, and antics on the House floor.

Stockman has a long and bizarre history in both Texas and D.C. The product of mid-20th century genetic experiments, Stockman began life in a remote village in Bolivia. He was patched together by refugee German scientists who fled Hitler’s Germany in early 1945. Body parts were obtained from the victims of right-wing death squads around South America.

Amphibian and reptile DNA was used to help weave together Stockman’s disparate parts. Scientists in the U.S. think that this fact has a lot to do with his incoherent outbursts and inability to reason. Stockman at times shows flashes of human consciousness, but in the main he exhibits the more primitive instinctive features of lizards and snakes.

“The man operates almost completely on the level of an insect,” said Dr. John Small Berries of the Genetic Research Center in Austin, Texas. “He suffers from three distinct mental disorders, and like many members of these fringe groups, he has none of the qualities we normally attribute to human beings, such as compassion and empathy. He does not possess a rudimentary ‘theory of mind’, an attribute that is present in even some of the less developed mammals such as chimps and elephants.”

Stockman’s outrageous comments and positions over his political career are too numerous to list, but here are a few high points:

He compared President Obama’s use of kids as props to Saddam Hussein’s use of human shields. He has ties to various militia groups around the U.S. He wanted to charge Janet Reno for premeditated murder for the Waco tragedy. He steadfastly refuses to make public the sources of his sizable campaign donations. He advocates giving infants firearms. He authored a press release claiming that the comet ISON was piloted by the prophet Ezekiel and appeared to warn U.S. citizens about the evils of Obamacare.

Some of his tweets:

“If babies had guns, they would not be aborted.”

“Our children are taught that they are sexual from birth, that any type of sex is a valid outlet for their emotions. They are taught that the problem with sex is not that it is wrong to engage in homosexual, bestial, underage, or premarital sex, but that it is wrong to do so without protection.”

“Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.”

Stockman’s lack of higher brain function was on full display when he gave the reasons for his challenge to Cornyn in the Senate. He repeatedly referred to Cornyn as a liberal, the equivalent of calling Michele Bachman a polymath. He also claimed that he was fighting Obamacare in a foxhole while Cornyn was bayoneting him in the back.

Political experts give Stockman about the same odds of winning as they do John Boehner moving inside the Arctic Circle. But if nothing else Texans and the rest of America will get a good display of what happens when a brain-damaged miscreant runs for a U.S. Senate seat.

We called on friend of the column Dr. Frank Black for his comments. “It’s a damn shame. In the late eighties Stockman showed some promise,” Black said. “For a short while he showed signs of higher brain function and began to show some human traits. He even embraced his roots by overcoming his self-repression and embracing a gay lifestyle. He even went so far as to open a bed and breakfast and enrolled in a ceramics class,” Black continued. “However, when the b and b went bust (it was located adjacent to a Houston oil refinery) he just devolved into the Bible-thumping paranoid schizophrenic we see today.”

There is no word yet on what Stockman plans to do after his absurd senate run is squashed. One can only hope he moves back to the Bolivian jungles to ruminate with the descendents of his creators.

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Ted Cruz Zombie Theory Discredited By Scientists

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Scientists at the Center For Sanity in Politics discounted the theory that Ted Cruz is actually a zombie under the control of Tea Party coven leader Michele Bachmann. “We really believe that it is unlikely that Cruz is a zombie, despite his irrational actions and lack of higher brain function,” said Dr. Frank Black, head of research at CSP.

Speculation and rumor concerning Cruz increased last week after an event at a fundraiser in Muleshoe, Texas. Cruz was ranting about how Obamacare will end life as we know it on planet earth when, during a particularly violent gesticulation, a portion of his right index finger flew off into the crowd. Although no one in the audience noticed, the event was caught on video and quickly went viral on the Web.

Dr. Black and his team have since been analyzing the video along with other videos of speeches by the Senator. “We think that it is far more likely that Cruz is either a replicant like the others manufactured at Fox News Laboratories or possibly he is some form of genetic throwback,” Black said. “Either possibility would account for his total lack of empathy for the poor and otherwise disadvantaged citizens of this country.”

“What we find truly baffling is that this man was ever elected in the first place, but I suppose stranger things have happened,” said Black. “After all, 48% of Americans believe UFO’s are some form of alien visitation, and 41% believe we are living in the end times described in the Bible. There seems to be a bottomless well of idiocy in the United States,” Black said.

Although Cruz was unavailable for comment, an aide to the Senator stated “These rumors are ridiculous. Furthermore, the loss of Sen Cruz’ finger will in no way affect his ability to govern if elected President. He will still be able to push the nuclear button at the slightest provocation. He’ll simply use his left hand.”