Tag Archives: missile test

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Calls Missile Tests ‘Resounding Success’

Posted in humor by

kimjongun

 

PYONGYANG – (CT&P) – Dear Attractive Benevolent Leader Kim Jong-un proclaimed today that this week’s short-range missile tests a “resounding success.” A pair of advanced (for North Korea) Tinyschlong-2 missiles were launched from a secret base just outside the capital and crashed into the Sea of Japan just off the coast.

“Our target was the Sea of Japan, and by God we hit it,” said the Dearest Beloved Athletic Well-Hung Leader. “We will use our superior technology to crush all you capitalist pig-dogs in the mother of all battles.”

The pudgy lunatic declined to state when the battle would take place, but said it would sometime “real soon.”

Kim watched the tests from a rowboat powered by serfs chosen at random from among the starving populace.

The murderous asshole dictator was also on hand to watch a missile launch from a submerged submarine go awry when it circled lazily around in the air and then streaked off towards China.

The entire crew of the sub was later executed using anti-aircraft guns and hungry Alsatians.

After the massacre Kim told the malnourished North Korean press corps that although he does intend on turning the entire peninsular into a giant radioactive cauldron of death, he looked forward to dealing with Donald Trump after this year’s U.S. presidential election.

“We have a great deal in common and I’m sure we’ll be able to work together,” said Kim, as he sentenced 11,000 innocent civilians to life sentences in concentration camps along the Chinese border.

 

North Korea’s Latest Missile Test Deemed “Resounding Success” By Dear Beloved Graceful Athletic Leader

Posted in humor, politics by

missilefailure

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C.  (CT&P) -According to a South Korean defense official, who requested anonymity lest he be “disappeared” by spies, North Korea launched three short-range ballistic missiles Wednesday morning in a continuation of a recent series of missile and rocket test launches. The missiles were aimed “in the general direction of Los Angeles,” but because the missiles only had a range of about 300 miles, Pentagon officials did not feel that the tests constituted much of a threat.

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Kim took time to view an Army-Navy pickup basketball game and lingerie fashion show after the test with Minister of Culture and Body Art Dennis Rodman

The missiles, presumed to be part of the ridiculously unreliable Scud series, were fired from southwest Hwanghae province and flew across the country. One of the missiles tumbled harmlessly into the sea, while another took out a North Korean fishing vessel and its entire crew. The third missile flew in lazy circles slowly gaining altitude before changing course and plunging into a large crowd of civilian “volunteers” drafted to observe the glorious test from nearby grandstands.

So far there are no estimates as to how many starving civilians were vaporized.

North Korea has conducted an unusually large number of test-firings of missiles, artillery and rockets since earlier this year. South Korean officials have confirmed about 90 such firings by North Korea since Feb. 21 and 10 of them have been ballistic launches, according to Seoul’s Defense Ministry.

Guard dog, Alsation, aggressive dog, Alsation guard dog barking and straining at the leash. Image shot 2010. Exact date unknown.

Pentagon officials suggested that Kim might have more success with his missile program if he did not insist on feeding his engineers to starving Alsatians after every failed test

Analysts theorize that the North’s missile and rocket launches are a message to its neighbors and Washington not to interfere in its buildup of nuclear bombs and other defense capabilities. However, another series of launches this spring have been confirmed to be the result of  Supreme Beloved Beautiful Well-Endowed Gracious Leader Kim Jong-un’s continuing struggle with irritable bowel syndrome, so no one is ready to say for sure just what the fuck the North Koreans are up to.

“We never really know why they conduct these idiotic tests,” said an anonymous South Korean general. “It seems like the only way these morons know how to express themselves is through rocket launches and attacks on South Korean fishing trawlers. It’s really embarrassing.”

According to officials in the Ministry of Tourism and Medieval Torture, the Dear Beloved All-Knowing Sympathetic Graceful Optimistic Leader enjoyed a dinner of stewed goat and Tsingtao beer with three of his wives in order to settle his stomach after the failed test.

The next series of tests is scheduled for early August, assuming the defense ministry can find any engineers who are not suffering from radiation poisoning.