Tag Archives: muhammad

Al Jazeera’s Fall Lineup Sure To Be A Big Hit With Arabs Who Are Still Allowed To Watch TV

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DOHA, QATAR – (CT&P) – Corporate executives from Al Jazeera announced their fall lineup of reality shows last week at a press conference overseen by a squad of imams and other experts on the fucked up system of archaic rules and regulations known as sharia law.

The lineup includes some innovative and progressive shows that make a bold departure from the usual programming of beheadings, immolations, and riots protesting the existence of Israel and the “Great Satan.”

“We think that our fall lineup will be a big hit with Arabs who live in areas that are not seething masses of perpetual  religious hatred,” said Ahib Skyhook, vice president of content for the network.

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Al Jazeera hopes to pump up its ratings by offering something new rather than the continuous rounds of torture and executions. “That’s so last year,” said Skyhook.

“In those countries that have not been decimated by civil war and sectarian violence, the shows will be a welcome respite from the constant feeling of impending doom caused by our adherence to a religion that makes about as much sense as Mormonism or Scientology.

“We look forward to excellent ratings in those territories where people are actually allowed to view television broadcast without fear of being stoned to death.”

Skyhook didn’t reveal the entire lineup, because he said that Muslims love surprises almost as much as they love car bombs. However, he did give us a glimpse of what to expect:

Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip-Follow the fun as Palestinian housewives try desperately to find enough food and water to sustain their families while dodging Israeli cluster munitions and horny Hamas soldiers bent on having good time.

Sex Slaves Gone Wild-Airhead female recruits from Europe give ISIS militants a taste of western culture.

Fully Clothed and Terrified-Each week a man and woman are dropped off in no man’s land along the Syrian border with Iraq and are asked to survive for three days while avoiding bloodthirsty militias, deadly scorpions, and Allied air attacks.

Stupid Kurd Tricks-Mayhem ensues when wild and crazy Kurds balance on speeding SUV’s and do somersaults on angry camels.

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Goat Dynasty will offer an intimate look inside the lives of ignorant Arab rednecks as they have sex with animals and preach the gospel of Muhammad.

Dead Sea Shore–Brain dead young people from the deep desert raise hell in expensive beach resorts.

Dancing with Death-Celebrity contestants perform live dance routines in minefields along the Golan Heights.

Pimp My Burqa-A spin-off of the wildly popular Pimp My Camel. Oppressed women get to spruce up their heavy black garments with sequins and extra-large eye holes.

The Good Harem–A bevy of gorgeous concubines deal with a life full of existential threats.

 19 Wives and Counting-A henpecked oil sheik tries to keep the peace in a 200 room palace.

Goat Dynasty–Illiterate shepherds try to sell milk and cheese on the street why extolling the virtues of jihad.

Syria’s Got Talent-Contestants compete in a variety of tasks including bomb-making, sniping, and sewing stylish suicide vests.

Deadliest Snatch-Militiamen take their chances with hookers in Tikrit who have been infected by the CIA.

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Pimp my Burqa is a spin-off of the popular Jordanian show Pimp My Camel.

So You Think You’re a Killer–Raw ISIS recruits prove their value by using bayonets on infants and gay people.

Survivor Mosul–Surrounded and out of supplies, terrorists must live by their wits as Iranian militiamen close in.

The Jihadi Bachelorette–A beautiful and bloodthirsty bitch chooses from a group of lice ridden Neanderthal throwbacks who haven’t washed in weeks.

The Apprentice Bomb Maker–A beginner tries to retain his hands while working with sweating sticks of TNT.

The Amazing Race For Your Fucking Life–Syrian refugees battle heat, dehydration, and Allied drones while trying to escape to Turkey.

Bad Concubine’s Club-Misbehaving mistresses wreak havoc all over the desert.

These are just some of the exciting shows that Al Jazeera has on tap for the fall.

Skyhook told CNN that the network feels confident about their success, so long as no one sets off a nuke during Ramadan and ruins the fun for everyone.

Muhammad Distances Himself From Islamic State

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MECCA – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad appeared today on Al Jazeera’s popular morning show Jihadi and Friends to clarify some of his positions regarding Al-Qaeda and its rival in inhuman savagery the Islamic State. Muhammad assumed the form of a twenty-three pound tabby cat for the interview in order to mask his true form from cartoonists and other artists around the world.

The cat, which had a large “M” on its forehead, told co-host Steve Abdullah Doocalhiri that although he was all in favor of killing infidels, destroying Israel, and throwing homosexuals off tall buildings, he had to draw the line when it came to beheading and immolating fellow Muslims.

“I’m pretty pleased with Al-Qaeda so far,” said the feline prophet, “but I think ISIS is going just a little bit overboard. We have to take into consideration that many of our people are uneducated and just don’t know right from wrong when it comes to Sharia law. We need to adopt a more delicate approach when it comes to genocide.”

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During the interview the Prophet became so irritated with Doocalhiri’s blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance that he began to change form

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to grasp what the fuck the Prophet was saying, kept nodding his head and asking the cat if all of this was Obama’s fault for offering health care to the poor.

“It has nothing to do with Obama, you moron!” hissed the cat. “You idiots want to blame everything on that son of a bitch! Get your head out of your ass and listen to me for a minute. I’m telling you that we could get a lot more accomplished if we just stopped short of slaughtering every man, woman, and child who gets in our way.”

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to process what he had heard, then asked the Prophet if he thought Hillary was responsible for the giant Benghazi conspiracy.

At that point the cat prophet jumped down off the chair back he had been perched upon, took a swipe at Doocalhiri’s face, and marched off the set while mumbling something unintelligible in Arabic.

Religion Of Peace Butchers Another Blogger

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27 Feb 2015, Dhaka, Bangladesh, Bengal --- (150227) -- DHAKA, Feb. 27, 2015 (Xinhua) -- A man cleans up the blood at the site of a murder case at Dhaka University area in Dhaka, Bangladesh, Feb. 27, 2015. Unknown assailants Thursday night hacked a Bangladeshi blogger to death in the capital city of Dhaka. (Xinhua/Shariful Islam) --- Image by © Shariful Islam/Xinhua Press/Corbis

 

DHAKA, BANGLADESH – (CT&P) – Members of the Religion of Peace hacked another blogger to death in Bangladesh earlier today as part of a campaign designed to show the world that peace, love, and tolerance represent the very foundations of Islam.

Ananta Bijoy Das, a blogger who advocated secularism, was attacked by four machete-wielding assailants in the northeastern district of Sylhet on Tuesday morning, senior police official Mohammad Rahamatullah told Reuters.

Rahamatullah said that the assailants were screaming “God is a great dude who lusts after the blood of anyone who disagrees with our fucked-up philosophy,” and “Remember the 7th century! Let’s go back!” as they hacked Das into pieces small enough to be placed into a battery-powered blender that a fifth attacker was carrying in a knapsack.

Das was a 33-year-old banker and editor of science magazine “Jukti,” which means “logic,” and on the advisory board of “Mukto Mona” (Free Mind), a website propagating rationalism and opposing fundamentalism that was founded by U.S.-based blogger Avijit Roy.

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Muslims are well-known for their tolerance of people who disagree with tenets of their fucked-up religion.

Das is the third blogger to be dismembered in the name of the beloved peace-loving pedophile Prophet Muhammad in broad daylight by followers of the all merciful one true sadistic and murderous god Allah.

Roy himself was hacked to death in February while returning home with his wife from a Dhaka book fair, and on March 30, Washiqur Rahman, another secular blogger who aired his outrage over Roy’s death on social media, was killed in similar fashion in the capital, Dhaka.

Roy’s widow, Rafida Bonya Ahmed, who was maimed in the attack and is in hiding in the United States, told Reuters Das’ case was similar to that of her husband.

“We told him so many times you need to be careful, because these dumbass sadistic religious fanatics are a dime a dozen in countries like Bangladesh, but he just thought that this was his passion, what he was supposed to do, and he had been doing it for a long time,” she said.

Ahmed said she would not be surprised if more bloggers were targeted. “Because the killers know they can get away with this, it will continue to happen,” she said. “This is serial killing by a bunch of religious zealot assholes that want to return to the good old days of the 7th century.”

According to monitoring service SITE Intelligence Group, Islamist militant group Ansar al-Islam Bangladesh said al Qaeda in the Indian Subcontinent (AQIS) had claimed responsibility for the attack.

In a statement released this afternoon, AQIS said that the attacks will continue until “everyone on earth accepts our version of Islam and we are allowed to burn all western books, treat women like dogs, murder any homosexuals we come across, and marry as many goats as we see fit. Only then will Allah’s love and blessings be bestowed on our planet and everyone will live in equal misery and ignorance.”

Muhammad Dissatisfied With Recent Depictions

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PARADISE – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad spoke with reporters outside Paradise this morning to express his regret over the failed attack on the “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas yesterday.

“I’m really disappointed that the attackers were so fucking incompetent that they didn’t even manage to get out of their goddamn car,” said Muhammad, last messenger of Allah the Most Merciful. “If this had happened in Baghdad the whole fucking building would have been destroyed along with all those infidel artists and their families. It’s just hard to get good help in America. No one wants to work. Hell, half the population is on foods stamps!”

Muhammad also took the opportunity to complain about recent depictions and artist’s renderings of himself.

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The Prophet told journalists that he was particularly irritated with cartoonists that got his nose wrong and depicted him using antiquated weaponry

“I’d like to emphasize that most of these artists have it all wrong. I am a much more handsome guy than these idiots depict. I have high cheekbones, an aquiline nose, and perfect facial symmetry. My shoulders are strong and broad, and my beard is always well-groomed and most of the time free of lice. And I tell you something else, there’s not a goat on the planet that can resist my ‘come hither’ look.”

Although the incompetent gunmen were unable to gain entry to the building housing the event, a security guard and one policeman were injured at the entrance before the jumpy jihadis died in a hail of gunfire. Reports are now surfacing that, as is always the case, at least one of the idiots was known to the FBI before the attack.

Many news outlets are condemning the organizers of the event, saying that it was unwise and unnecessarily provocative, while others are saying that it is yet another shining example of Islam’s less-than-stellar record when it comes to free speech, equality for women, treatment of homosexuals, basic human rights, or just about any other fucking thing valued by modern society.

Before closing his press conference, Muhammad made it clear that he did not mind people drawing him as long as the depictions were flattering.

“Look, I really don’t give a shit whether people draw me or not; I personally could care less, but if they are gonna do it, at least get it right. I’m actually a very pretty dude. Now you’ll have to excuse me so I can get back to my virgins. They are a very demanding bevy of bitches.”

Constipated Prophet Orders Attack On Newspaper By Mistake

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PARIS (CT&P) – The attack earlier today on the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo that killed 12 people was apparently the last in a series of foul ups and snafus committed by the Prophet Muhammad during his yearly vacation in Paris this week.

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An artist’s rendering of the Prophet is being circulated in Paris so that anyone who sees the bloodthirsty bastard can phone authorities immediately.

According to the bloodthirsty demigod’s press secretary Abdul-Aziz Cornhollah Habib Lulu Maalik Skyhook, which loosely translated means “The One Who Does Not Bathe,” the attack was supposed to target Le Lonesome Camel, a restaurant just down the street from the newspaper.

It seems the Prophet became extremely agitated when, while dining at the restaurant last night, the staff mistakenly served him a meat pie which was loaded with processed pork products. According to Skyhook, the tourtière in question was supposed to be “pork and gluten-free” in order to adhere to the strict dietary guidelines published in the Prophet’s latest cookbook, How to Feed a Cave Full of Subhuman Terrorists on $10.00 a Day, first published in 2002.

However, the owner of the restaurant, retired Formula One driver Alain Prost, told reporters that the Islamic killing machine had “only himself to blame” for his irritable bowels because the Prophet insisted on ordering in French, like so many other idiot foreigners who vacation in Paris.

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France’s ace detective Inspector Jacques Clouseau has been assigned the case and expects apprehend the “foul-smelling camel jockeys” tout suite!

“At first the dimwit ordered a goat with a football stuffed up its ass,” said Prost. “He had to try five times before he actually ordered something on the menu. His server tried to warn him that the tourtière had pork in it, but the pompous ass would not listen. I’m surprised he’s able to speak any French at all. After all, the only language other Arabic that he hears are the screams coming from his follower’s victims.”

The Prophet became even more agitated when he went outside to discover that his dinner party’s camels had all been ticketed for parking in a loading zone. Apparently he ordered the attack later that night.

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Author Reza Aslan, who continues to insist he is not gay, is one of the few public figures to come to the terrorists’ defense. “These guys are just misunderstood,” said Aslan. “Islam is a religion of peace and this activity is perfectly normal. I mean, who can honestly say that they have not thought about murdering innocent people for the slightest of insults? I know I have.”

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau, who has been assigned the task of bringing the filthy subhuman Islamic slime to justice, told reporters at L’Express that what happened was that the geographically challenged religious fanatic gave his henchmen the wrong address.

“You would think that the terrorists would have realized that they were not attacking the restaurant they had just dined in only hours earlier, but you have to remember that we’re dealing with a bunch of savages that want to return the world to the 9th Century. I’m amazed they were even able to operate the nav system on the Hertz rental car they used.”

Although most politicians and religious leaders around the world are denouncing the attack, some apologists for Islam are defending the actions of the blessed, sacred, but not-so-intelligent Prophet.

Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth and No god but god: The Origins, Evolution, and Future of Islam, told the New York Times that these types of attacks are to be expected when one dares to insult a Muslim by accidentally serving him the wrong entrée.

“I can understand the Prophet’s actions. I once considered sawing off the heads of everyone in a Shoney’s Big Boy after smelling bacon on the breakfast bar while I was trying to enjoy my sheep testicle soufflé. Ignorant infidels in the west need to be considerate of Islamic tradition, no matter how asinine and Neolithic it may be.”

The offices of the Cretonia Times-Picayune are located on Savannah Road in Murphy, North Carolina. The editor in chief and sole proprietor of the wildly successful online newspaper, Jerry Dickerson, cordially invites anyone not happy with the views and opinions expressed in this article to jump on the nearest camel and “come try that shit up here.”