Tag Archives: new york times

Support For Trump Surges With Abused Women

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Just one day after a “hit piece” in the New York Times about how Donald Trump treats women was published, a new poll suggests that his support among abused women has surged to new heights.

The Quinnipiac/SurveyMonkey poll taken of 1000 current and former beauty queens, victims of domestic abuse, and sex slaves across the United States this morning found that an average of 80% of the abused/objectified woman demographic found Trump attractive. 70% said they would marry Trump immediately if he became available, and 65% said they would have sex with him no questions asked.

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Petra Warmtwatavich dated Mr. Trump for over a week during the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow in 2013. Warmtwatavich was a hero of the 2008 Russo-Georgian War where she knocked out three Georgian tanks using sticky bombs made from plastic explosive stuffed into silk stockings and coated with Astroglide.

“The article in the Times seems to have really shored up his support among women who are used to being viewed as a piece of meat to be used and discarded,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of SurveyMonkey.

“Women who have had their personalities beaten down to nothing and their lives shattered at the hands of men seem to really dig The Donald.”

Rowanne Brewer Lane, a former model who was featured in the article, told Fox News this morning that the Times spun the information and were out to get a “good man.”

“After the first inspection, in which Mr. Trump carefully examined me from head to toe and probed critical areas for firmness, we got along great. He was a perfect gentleman and was even nice enough to ask if I was on my period before our first date. You don’t run into that kind of caring, sensitive man very often.”

 

Petra Warmtwatavich, Miss Siberia 2012, agreed with Lane.

“Mr. Trump very nice,” said Warmtwatavich. “Mr. Trump have many rubles. I marry Mr. Trump but Petra need more than small American penis can give.”

 

There have been no polls taken yet of the general public or of the all-important married women demographic after the Times piece was published, but pundits believe it will do nothing to help Trump’s huge negatives with women in general.

“Trump is unique in American politics because we’ve never seen such a moronic buffoon reach such heights,” said former Vermont governor Howard Dean on MSNBC. “After this article he’ll no doubt try to go out and play the ‘abused woman’ card, but it won’t get him anywhere. There are simply not enough cases of domestic abuse out there to get him elected.”

 

Judith Miller To Join Vladimir Putin’s Staff In Fall

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MOSCOW -(CT&P) – A Kremlin spokesman has announced that former New York Times journalist and propaganda specialist for the Bush Administration Judith Miller will be joining Vladimir Putin’s staff in early fall. Miller’s job will be to justify in print Russia’s aggressive incursions into foreign countries and the seizure of large swathes of territory formerly belonging to Ukraine.

The spokesman told members of the Russian press, who were forced to attend “on pain of torture,” that Miller will also be tasked with writing flowery articles about the love felt for the Russian people by citizens of Chechnya, the former Soviet satellite states of Lithuania, Estonia, and Latvia, and the Balkans.

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President Putin was unavailable for comment on the appointment as he was personally patrolling the Sino-Russian border

“We felt that Ms Miller’s experience in convincing an entire population to go to war for no apparent reason would really serve us well in the years to come,” said the spokesman. “She’ll be invaluable to us as we seek to justify land grabs and the suppression of minorities as we expand our territory and influence around the globe.”

Miller, who was in Novosibirsk at the time attending “re-education and indoctrination” courses at the University of Siberia, told reporters from TASS that she was “overjoyed” to be able to get a job as journalist again.

“I’m too happy for words,” said Miller. “I can’t wait to serve the people of Russia and President Putin. I have always been in awe of your president and his ability to always make the correct decision in any and all situations. He’s always been one of my heroes, and he’s sexy as hell too!”

Miller will be working in the Propaganda Ministry and will have direct access to the president and his aides, who will be censoring her work on a daily basis. Her official position will be that of ‘Right Wing Lackey,’ a job title she should be quite used to by now.