WASHINGTON-Embattled Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) appeared on Fox News’ morning show The Village Idiots today and told the hosts of the show that last night’s Chilean earthquake and resulting tsunami were caused by the last-minute stampede to sign up for health insurance on Healthcare.gov. McConnell informed the “confederacy of dunces” that “All of that damn electronic activity caused a seismic event at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean which in turn caused that gall-darn big ass wave.”
Senator Mitch McConnell appeared on Fox’s The Village Idiots this morning where he blamed Obamacare for every fucking thing that is wrong with America today
The 8.2 magnitude earthquake was centered off the coast of northern Chile and produced waves over two meters high. Six deaths have been attributed to the quake but property damage seems to have been minimal. Tsunami warnings were posted immediately after the quake and most low-lying areas were evacuated before the tsunami reached shore. Chile, which rests on the so-called “Ring of Fire” has long-expected and prepared for an even larger quake and systems are in place to warn the populace of tsunami threats when they appear imminent.
McConnell told the doltish dullards that “Obamacare will eventually cause the complete downfall and destruction of western civilization. It has already been linked to the disaster in Benghazi, the IRS scandal, and the disappearance of Flight 370. Most shockingly, the Young Earth Creationist’s Observatory in my home state has discovered that a comet in the Oort Cloud has changed course and is now heading directly toward earth,” said McConnell. “All this because of Obamacare!”
McConnell apologized to the dimwit hosts on the show but he had to leave early to get back on the campaign trail in Kentucky
However, not everyone agrees with McConnell. The Right Reverend Pat Robertson, normally a staunch ally of the senator from Kentucky, disagreed on the cause of the earthquake. On his 700 Club broadcast this morning Robertson put the cause of the earthquake squarely on the shoulders of gay marriage. “God is showing his wrath for some states in this country normalizing deviant sexual behavior and legalizing the abomination of gay marriage,” said Robertson. “He showed those heretical voodoo bastards in Haiti who was boss a few years back and now he’s taking action against gay marriage!” When his co-host asked Pat why Chile was being punished for America’s sins, Robertson replied “Well, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe he is slowing the influx of illegal aliens from Chile so they won’t be exposed to our disgraceful and ungodly behavior.”
As we have noted before in previous columns, Pat Robertson is clearly insane.
Historical revisionist and conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck had yet another take on the disaster. “This earthquake is clearly the work of a renegade cabal of Freemasons,” said Beck. “I have been warning you people for a long time that the Freemasons possess technology far in advance of any other group on earth. They clearly have been given earthquake technology from some alien race bent on the destruction of the U.S. Constitution and the American way of life. There’s just no other reasonable explanation for this event.”
Although all three theories are gaining ground with the American public via Fox News and right-wing radio, the most logical explanation for the seismic event seems to be subduction, the process of one tectonic plate moving underneath another. Imagine that.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 