Tag Archives: planet of the apes

Huckabee Warns Of Apocalypse If SCOTUS Rules In Favor Of Inter-Species Marriage

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

charleton5

FORBIDDEN ZONE – (CT&P) – During a campaign swing through the Forbidden Zone today, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee warned crowds that if the Supreme Court rules in favor of inter-species marriage then all hell will break loose and America will be plucked from the surface of the earth and cast into the Lake of Fire.

“God will never forgive us for this,” said a sweating Huckabee. “Inter-species breeding is an abomination in the sight of Our Lord. We’ve already condemned ourselves to thousands of years in Purgatory for legalizing abortion and allowing minorities to vote. We don’t want to seal our fate by offering legal protection to those who wish to ignore God’s commandments.”

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Huckabee told adoring crowds that God would destroy America and murder millions of men, women, and children if we didn’t profess our love for him on a daily basis.

Although he is considered a long shot, Huckabee’s campaign for the Republican nomination has gathered steam in recent days as he has traveled the country pandering to his base of insane religious zealots, backwoods bigots, and gospel band base players.

Among other things, Huckabee has promised to set up “death panels” to determine whether liberals and atheists will be burned at the stake or simply sent to Christian re-education camps. He’s also promised to limit the tax exempt status of churches to those who “love Jesus” and will deport all Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and members of other faiths.

One of Huckabee’s most popular programs with his base is his “Back to the Promised Land” initiative, in which he proposes sending all Jewish Americans to Israel “where they belong.” “We love Israel and the Jews as a people because they were chosen by God, but we really don’t want to deal with those Christ killers on a personal basis,” said Huckabee.

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Huckabee told students at Simian High School in Half-life, New York that God was watching them 24 hours a day and any deviation from the strict and bizarre rules set forth in the Bible would result in them spending eternity in Hell.

The former governor promised that if he is elected president, homosexuals, pedophiles, and those practicing bestiality will all be executed except in certain areas of Arkansas and rural Appalachia where he polls well.

Most political experts believe that Huckabee stands little chance of gaining the Republican nomination, much less becoming president, but Huckabee insists that America needs to “hear the Good News of God’s love” from one of his loyal servants, so he will continue campaigning as long as he can con poor white people out of 10-25 dollar donations.

“I’m out here trying to stop America from becoming a progressive and caring nation with equality for all despite their sexual orientation or choice of mate,” said Huckabee. “I feel if we all pull together we can make America a shining light for all those around the globe who want to return to the Middle Ages and a social hierarchy based on the divine right of kings.”

Huckabee is scheduled to swing through the old Confederacy next week where he will be introducing his “Barefoot and Pregnant” initiative for newly married females.

 

 

A Christmas Miracle

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In what many are calling a Christmas miracle, Charlton Heston appeared out of nowhere this morning on the beaches of northwest Florida. Heston was on horseback and was accompanied by a scantily clad mute female who many believe was Mary Magdalene or possibly even the Virgin Mary.

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Heston screamed and writhed on the sand for hours in front of curious onlookers who had woken up early to enjoy free beer and hot dogs before the wet elf costume contest at the Spinnaker.

For hours Heston galloped up and down the beaches berating the native population for re-electing the ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott as their governor.

“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” screamed Heston.

For many decades Heston has been an icon of the right and a huge supporter of the NRA. However, Heston’s support of marriage equality and his objections to oppressive new voter ID laws has recently put him at odds with the GOP leadership in Florida. Heston pumped a great deal of cash and effort into Charlie Crist’s campaign and was apparently frustrated that the citizens of Florida have once again chosen a “false idol” to worship for four more years.

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Although a famous icon of the right, Heston has long supported marriage equality.

“You idiots,” yelled Heston, “what is it about snake gods and golden calves that turns you people on so much?”

Heston then jumped off his horse and made a huge display of tearing up his Florida voter ID card and throwing it on the sands of “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

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After several hours of marching up and down the beach hurling epithets at Cretonians of all ages, Heston turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, and rode off.

“The Lord Our God will kick your ass for this travesty!” said Heston. He then turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, jumped back on his horse and rode off.

Most pundits believe that Heston’s temper tantrum will have little effect on Florida politics, and the state will remain a “Forbidden Zone” for many years to come. Political pundit Barry Edwards told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that “This whole region is like a vast wasteland of intelligence. It’s gonna take one hell of a lot more than a Christmas miracle to fix this God-forsaken state. We might as well lift off and nuke the entire site from orbit-it’s the only way to be sure.”