Tag Archives: planned parenthood

Playoff Picture Muddled As Team Muslim Struggles To Qualify

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shooters

SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.

Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.

As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.

Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.

Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.

Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.

With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.

“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.

“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.

“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.

 

Ben Carson Takes Two Weeks Off To Come Up With More Crazy Ideas

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican presidential contender Dr. Ben Carson has put his public campaign events on hold for two weeks to go on book tour for his new tome “A More Perfect Union” and to attend meetings and seminars with lunatics and simpletons around the country in order to come up with some more batshit crazy ideas to hawk to his uneducated supporters.

An aide to Dr. Carson told Fox News that Carson felt that he needed to take advantage of his rising poll numbers to rake in some cash off sales of his fantasy novel to gullible right-wing Christians who actually believe he has a grasp of history and how government works.

“Dr. Carson has also expressed a desire to move away from the same old crazy ass ideas he’s been spouting and come up with some fresh conspiracy theories and wacked-out revisionist history,” said the aide.

The Republican presidential candidate and brain damaged former neurosurgeon is scheduled to hold lucrative book signings next week in Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa, where he expects dolts, dullards, and twits to stream in from trailer parks and survivalist compounds to meet him and buy copies of his book.

The aide said that the week after next will be spent visiting some of the premier panic monkeys, hucksters, religious zealots, and conspiracy theorists around the country in order to glean new ideas that he can use on the campaign trail to convince his followers that America should be some sort of theocracy ruled by a Christian version of sharia law.

“Dr. Carson plans on attending a seminar on Iron Age dinosaur-aided construction techniques at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky on the 26th,” said the aide. “He plans on spending the rest of the day with Mr. Ham to bone up on Ken’s ideas regarding just how Noah loaded the dinosaurs on the Ark and what they ate during the voyage.

“After spending the night at Ham’s Lucky Trinity Hotel and Casino in Petersburg, Dr. Carson will spend the rest of the week meeting with famous wackos and imbeciles like Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Louie Gohmert, to name a few. Ben is particularly excited to be meeting with Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association to learn how homosexuality is ushering in the End Times, and David Daleiden, who promised to show him some uncut footage of Planned Parenthood chopping up infants and sewing them back together to create armies of infant atheists and Muslims.”

Carson’s whirlwind tour will end with a weekend spent with panic monkey, historical revisionist, and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Glenn Beck on his End Times ranch and bunker complex located at an undisclosed location in the desert.

“Dr. Carson wants to leave no stone unturned in his quest to get the most fucked up and batshit crazy advice and ideas he can use to shore up his base and attract new lunatics to his cause,” said the aide. “I think by the time he gets back on the campaign trail he’ll be so full of shit you’ll barely recognize him.”

Christians Fail To Shut Down Government; Vow To Screw The Poor Sometime In December

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christians88

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) -With only hours to spare on the last day of the fiscal year, Congress averted a government shutdown on Wednesday by approving a temporary spending measure to keep federal agencies operating through Dec. 11.

In the House, the legislation was approved only because of strong support by Democrats — a sign of how angry rank-and-file Republicans remain over their powerlessness to force policy changes on the Obama administration.

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Christian outrage over propaganda films patched together by David Daleiden have added fuel to government shutdown fire. Rumor has it the next round of videos features Planned Parenthood employees feeding Christian fetuses to a pride of lions.

The House vote was 257 to 151, with 186 Democrats and 91 Republicans in favor. All of the “no” votes were by Republicans.

In one last display of their fury, House Republicans on Wednesday adopted another resolution to cut off government financing to Planned Parenthood. The resolution was to be sent to the Senate, where Democrats were certain to block it.

The House Freedom Caucus, a band of about 40 right-wing religious kooks who favor a Christian version of sharia law, was outraged that their attempt to deny food and medical care to the poor was again stopped by more reasonable politicians.

Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) told Fox News anchor Sean Hannity on his radio show today that although this attempt to wreck the food stamp program and deny poor women access to cancer screenings and low-cost contraception was blocked, another attempt will be made in December, just in time for Christmas.

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Right wing Christians are rarely accused of being the most intellectually formidable political faction.

“We follow the teachings of Jesus Christ,” said Jordan, “and Jesus hates poor people who don’t have the drive to get out there and get a job.

“He also hates immigrants, the hungry, and people who aren’t white. Our government should reflect the teachings of Jesus, and Jesus supports an America with a strong military and no social safety nets.

“Our slogan is ‘God, Guns, and Guts.’ Leave all that empathy, reason and critical thought crap to the blasphemers!”

Senator and fantasy presidential candidate Ted Cruz of Texas, who was also on the show, told Hannity that he would do his best to completely wreck the U.S. Congress and fuck up as many government programs as he could before the birthday of his Lord and Savior.

“The dream of denying food and medical treatment to the poor must never die,” said Cruz. “You have to ask yourself ‘what would Jesus do?’ and I think it’s obvious to anyone who reads the New Testament that Jesus would tell poor women to go fuck themselves. Praise the Lord!”

Daleiden Loses Virginity Four Years Ahead Of Schedule

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daleiden

IRVINE, CALIFORNIA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show last night, 26-year-old propaganda filmmaker and insecure dweeb David Daleiden announced that he had lost his virginity a full four years ahead of his intended target date.

Daleiden told Hannity that he had given up hope of having sex before he was 30 and the encounter was completely unexpected.

“It just happened Sean, no one was more surprised than me,” said Daleiden, who had a huge grin on his face. “No woman has ever been interested in me before now.”

“In high school I was considered a loser, and girls treated me like radioactive waste. Nothing has really changed since then, but let me tell you, these films I patched, edited, and glued together from conversations taken out of context has made me a rock star with young Christian women. It’s great!”

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Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had taken a month-long leave from her job in Atlantic City and they planned on really getting to know each other over the next 30 days. “I may be in love,” he said.

Daleiden relayed to a bemused Hannity that a young God-fearing fan had approached him after a speech he made outside the trailer that serves as international headquarters for his sham organization called the Center for Medical Progress.

“She said she admired me for what I was doing and wanted to share some of God’s love,” said Daleiden.

“She told me her name was Chastity McTart from Beaver Falls, New York and she had hitchhiked across the country to meet me and thank me for the good work I was doing for women’s health issues. I just couldn’t believe it. I really hadn’t been thinking too much about sex because I didn’t know anything about it, and I’ve been too busy for the last decade trying to sink an organization dedicated to the well-being of low-income women across the United States.

Daleiden told Hannity that although he had been obsessed with controlling women’s vaginas and their personal medical decisions for most of his life, he had never really thought about how babies are made in the first place.

“But let me tell you Sean, this fucking stuff is really where it’s at!” Had I known how fun it is I wouldn’t have wasted my time with all this bullshit I’ve been involved in for so many years. In fact, I plan on fucking a lot from now on!”

In the closing segment of the show Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had promised give him something called a blowjob tonight and he was really was looking forward to it.

 

 

 

Carson Defends Fetal Tissue Research: “We Never Used Christian Babies”

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson passionately defended his use of fetal brain tissue in the Washington Post on Thursday. Earlier in the week it was revealed that in 1992 Dr. Carson had used fetal tissue in what many are calling monstrous research aimed at curing some of the most horrible diseases known to mankind.

Carson, a well-known kook who believes the earth is 6,000 years old and that Noah provided VIP seating for dinosaurs on the Ark, has been a vocal critic of fetal tissue research.

Last month, Carson railed against Planned Parenthood and pro-choice advocates by describing a fetus in the 17th week of gestation.

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Dr. Carson is well-known for his batshit crazy theories. In 2005 he published an essay in Christian Archaeology Quarterly claiming to have proof that fossils were placed on earth by Satan to fool humans into believing that evolution was true.

“At 17 weeks, you’ve got a nice little nose and little fingers and hands and the heart’s beating,” he said on Fox News. “It can respond to environmental stimulus. How can you believe that that’s just an irrelevant mass of cells? That’s what they want you to believe, when in fact it is a human being.”

However, according to Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN and pain medicine physician, the Republican presidential candidate published a study with three other colleagues in 1992 that described using “human choroid plexus ependyma and nasal mucosa from two fetuses aborted in the ninth and 17th week of gestation.”

She wrote on her blog:

“As a neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson knows full well that fetal tissue is essential for medical research. His discipline would have a hard time being [where] it is today without that kind of work. What is even more egregious than dismissing the multitude of researchers whose work allowed him to become a neurosurgeon is the hypocrisy of actually having done that research himself while spouting off about its supposed worthlessness.”

As soon as the revelations came to light, Dr. Carson mounted a spirited but often unintelligible defense of his team’s use of cute little unborn babies in their research:

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Dr. Carson assured his supporters that he only conducted research on fetuses from atheists and other “unsaved trash.”

“You have to look at the intent,” Carson said before beginning a campaign swing through New Hampshire. “To willfully ignore evidence that you have for some ideological reason is wrong. If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it.”

His defense was called confused and self-serving by media outlets, so on Thursday Carson contacted the Washington Post to clear everything up.

“Although what we were doing was absolutely unconscionable, and clearly could have been done with lizard fetuses or on a computer, I want to assure all my wacked-out supporters that no Christian babies were dissected. Our salesman from Planned Parenthood, Dr. Beelzebub, assured us that we were paying for babies that were from Muslim, Jewish, or atheist mothers.

“I think we can all agree that questionable experiments on unsaved trash, whether they be unborn kiddos or fully functioning adults, is perfectly acceptable and even necessary if we are ever going to solve the public health crisis we face in this country.

epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation to become a successful neurosurgeon and Tea Party darling.

“If we are going to defeat socialism, gay marriage, and the climate change conspiracy, then we’re going to have to find a way to make sure every child emerges from the womb a Christian, and our research was aimed at making that a reality.”

Dr. Carson’s explanation for his actions has been greeted with mixed reactions.

His followers in the Tea Party have been stupefied by the revelations, but that is their natural resting state, so he is not expected to lose many votes in that demographic.

However, people with an average IQ or higher point to his hypocrisy as just another reason that he should either be institutionalized or get a job as a tour guide at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum.

According to the latest polls, Dr. Carson continues to have “a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning the Republican nomination.

Planned Parenthood Selling Fetal Tissue To Gay Labs

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Scientists looking at DNA model

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a guest spot on Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, esteemed filmmaker and respected intellectual David Daleiden told Beck that in episode six of his groundbreaking documentary on the Planned Parenthood conspiracy he will target the organization’s plot to sell fetal tissue to gay laboratories around the globe.

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Although the 26-year-old Daleiden has never had sex with another person, he is widely considered to be an expert on reproduction, women’s health, and fetal tissue research.

Daleiden explained to a profusely sweating Beck that for years hundreds of Planned Parenthood physicians, administrators, and janitors had been part of a conspiracy to sell fetal tissue from aborted babies to laboratories working on a secret “gay vaccine.”

According to Daleiden, the vaccine is part of an initiative by the Obama White House to inject young kids with a “gay virus” that would result in the rapid increase in the number of gays in the United States.

 

“It’s all part of the wider conspiracy to push the gay agenda down our throats and reduce the number of live births in America so we can more easily be oppressed by the government,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand.

 

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Daleiden said that gay laboratories, both foreign and domestic, are using fetal tissue to develop a “gay vaccine” to give to our kids in order to make them homosexuals.

“This episode is sure to blow the lid off the conspiracy once and for all,” said Daleiden. “Of course, like in the other videos, I had to do a great deal of editing in order to make Planned Parenthood look as bad as possible, and I added a few scenes from some Mel Gibson movies in order to take up the slack, but I think your audience of kooks and weak-minded conspiracy theorists will get the gist of what I’m saying.”

 

After Daleiden left so he could appear on another batshit crazy radio show, Beck praised the famous filmmaker for his courage and depth of insight into the conspiracy between Planned Parenthood, gay laboratories, and the Obama Administration.

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Daleiden told Beck that episode seven of his documentary will focus on the conspiracy to clone a gay Hitler and raise him to rule the United States after all our guns are taken away.

“I just can’t say enough about this brave young man,” said Beck, as tears rolled down his face. “To think that this conspiracy has been going on right under our noses all this time, and it took an unbalanced 26-year-old misfit to root it out! And the gays are at the center of it! I just can’t call myself an American anymore.”

Beck put his money where his mouth is by taking down the American flag on his TV show. The emotional, gut wrenching ceremony was seen by hundreds of viewers worldwide.

Beck replaced the Stars and Stripes with two flags he had custom-made by a company that caters to his insane ideas. One was a Bennington flag with “Liberty” and “Union” printed on the bottom, two words Beck misinterprets on a regular basis. The other was a depiction of a Christmas tree with “An Appeal to Heaven” written on it.

There is no word yet on whether his imaginary friend has responded to his plea.

 

 

Planned Parenthood Linked To Benghazi Attack

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman Trey “Curt” Gowdy (R-SC) of the House Select Committee for Investigating Benghazi for the 5th Time told reporters today that the committee had heard testimony this morning that indicated there was a link between executives at Planned Parenthood and the plot to kill Ambassador J Christopher Stevens hatched by Hillary Clinton and other members of the Obama White House.

“We heard testimony from a 15-year-old girl who, when visiting a Planned Parenthood  health center in Sandy Springs, Georgia, was recruited to participate in the raid on our consulate in Libya,” said Gowdy.

A protester reacts as the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi is seen in flames during a protest by an armed group said to have been protesting a film being produced in the United States in this September 11, 2012 file photo. Ahmed Abu Khatallah, a key suspect in the 2012 attack on the U.S. diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya, is being held on a U.S. ship following his capture over the weekend by U.S. special operations forces, a U.S. official said on June 17, 2014. The official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the suspect was apprehended on the outskirts of Benghazi in a secret operation. He will be brought to the United States, the official added. REUTERS/Esam Al-Fetori/Files (LIBYA - Tags: POLITICS CIVIL UNREST)

This man, who participated in the attack on our consulate, was previously identified as Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi Jr. According to Gowdy, the committee has discovered that his real name is John Small Berries of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. Gowdy claims he was employed by Planned Parenthood as a janitor and fetal parts delivery boy at the Baltimore, Maryland branch.

According to Gowdy, the girl, who was only 12 years old at the time, had visited the health center when she was 35 1/2 weeks pregnant in order to get an abortion. Gowdy said that after the abortion was completed the fetus was cut up and shipped off to various eugenics and reanimation labs around the globe.

“That was when the real lawbreaking began,” said Gowdy.

According to Gowdy, after the operation when the girl was sitting around drinking wine with the staff, she was approached by an aide to Hillary Clinton who offered her fifty bucks plus expenses to fly to Libya and participate in the attack. Gowdy said the girl declined because she had a date that night with a particularly hot member of her church.

“We consider this whole episode an outrage, and we have video evidence to back up this poor girl’s story,” said Gowdy.

Gowdy told Fox News that an organization called “Christians United Against Providing Health Care To The Poor” happened to be in the waiting room that day on a sting operation. The clandestine team, posing as buyers from the retail chain Baby Parts R Us, filmed the whole episode with cell phones.

“I think this is straw that breaks the camel’s back on this whole conspiracy,” said Gowdy. “These revelations are going to bring down the Hillary campaign and will probably mean jail time for everyone involved.”

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Despite the Libyan government’s best efforts to put it out, this vehicle is still burning three years after the attack.

When reached for comment on the testimony and video, the ranking Democrat on the committee Elijah Cummings (MD) told CNN that as usual Gowdy was full of shit.

“They dragged this poor chick before the committee and she read from a prepared script written on Darrell Issa’s stationary,” said Cummings.

“Then they show this shaky video of people talking and smiling in a waiting room. It was hard to make out who said what because the audio was obviously dubbed in later. I mean it looked like an old Godzilla movie. Gaps in the video are filled in with old Bugs Bunny cartoons. It was a ridiculous waste of time and taxpayers’ money, but what the fuck else is new with these clowns?”

Gowdy told Fox News that, although there were a few holes in the story, the entire Republican Caucus would be viewing film at a gala reception planned for the unfortunate young woman next week in Georgetown, and after that a decision would be made about what to do.

Planned Parenthood Increases Price Of Fetal Tissue

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards announced a price increase this morning on all fetal tissue being sold by their 700 retail health and dissection centers located in the United States.

Richards emphasized that the increase only affects centers within the borders of the U.S., and that Planned Parenthood “black sites” in foreign countries can continue to set their own prices.

According to Richards, the across the board price increase was made in response to the increased demand for organs, umbilical chords, stem cells, amniotic fluid, and a variety of other fetal tissues caused by an amateurish video made by a deranged young man named David Daleiden.

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According to Richards, some of Planned Parenthood’s biggest customers are voodoo priestesses in Haiti and Louisiana who combine amniotic fluid with caffeine to produce an energy drink called “Red Kid.”

“Demand has skyrocketed since Daleiden’s video was made public, so a price increase was the natural thing to do,” said Richards.

The video, which was pounced upon by Fox News, conservative radio hosts, Christian websites, and other questionable news outlets provides unequivocal proof that Planned Parenthood is an organization made up of Devil worshipers who sell unborn babies and their parts to the highest bidders.

“We could not have hoped to get this kind of publicity; not in our wildest, fever induced, Satanic dreams,” said Richards.

According to Richards the fetal tissue and body parts that Planned Parenthood sells go to a wide variety of buyers including medical schools, drug companies, research universities, secretive private laboratories in South America, 4-H clubs, secondary schools for use in high school science projects, witch doctors, terrorists, and wealthy cannibals tired of eating adult humans.

“We have a very broad customer base that we strive to keep happy,” said Richards. “Thanks to Daleiden’s video and all the publicity it’s caused we can cut back on advertising and entertainment expenses and expand our abortion factories so we can do away with even more potential humans. It’s been a real godsend.”

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Richards told CNN that most fetal internal organs are sold to private laboratories located in remote mountainous regions of eastern Europe for ongoing research in reanimation.

Although Daleiden’s original purpose in making the video has apparently backfired, he is reported to be basking in his new-found fame.

“David is really enjoying all this,” said Daron Dimbulb, a close friend of Daleiden’s who is also obsessed with controlling women’s reproductive organs. “He never thought he would be the object of so much praise from our country’s apparently unlimited population of morons. He really looks forward to being salivated on by Sean Hannity when he goes on his show next week.”

Richards told CNN that although no more price increases are currently being considered, if demand continues to increase all bets are off.

“With the help of Our Lord and Savior Mephistopheles, we’ll be able to convince more poor young girls to get knocked up so we can rip more children out of uteruses all across the country,” said Richards. “Otherwise we’re just going to have to jack prices again. It’s a no lose situation for us.”

 

Scott Walker Adopts Idiot Persona In Attempt To Woo Christian Control Freak Vote

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MADISON, WISCONSIN – (CT&P) – Governor of Wisconsin and fascist presidential candidate Scott Walker was chatting recently with right-wing radio host and lunatic Dana Loesch about his efforts to set up regulatory hurdles to abortion access in his state when, in an attempt to garner support from the Christian right, he displayed the level of intelligence normally only found in brain-damaged goats.

During a rambling and often incoherent diatribe in which he called teachers “servants of Satan,” and unions “the root of all evil,” Walker offered a bizarre and troubling defense of a law he signed that would require a woman to undergo a medically unnecessary ultrasound before exercising her constitutionally protected right to an abortion:

“I’m pro-life,” raved Walker. “I’ve passed pro-life legislation. We defunded Planned Parenthood and used the money to pay the lawyers we hired to sue teacher’s unions. We signed a law that requires an ultrasound. Which, the thing about that, the media tried to make that sound like that was a crazy idea. I mean, the media actually thinks that we have no right to control women’s private parts! Have you ever heard such nonsense?”

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Walker insists he is completely sane despite the fact he regularly roams the grounds of the governor’s mansion in a badger suit.

“You know, most people I talked to, whether they’re pro-life or not, I find people all the time that pull out their iPhone and show me a picture of their grandkids’ ultrasound and how excited they are, so that’s a lovely thing. I think about my sons are 19 and 20, we still have their first ultrasounds, as well as their first bowel movements. It’s just a cool thing out there. In fact, I can’t go anywhere without thousands of people coming up to me with ultrasounds, chest x-rays, and MRI films of their Uncle Bob’s enlarged prostate.”

“I think we need to make sure that women fully appreciate that male politicians and a bunch of religious zealots are the ones who can best decide when they should reproduce and when they shouldn’t. It says so in the Bible, and the Bible is never wrong.”

“I think the next logical step is to sterilize women against their will if they don’t agree with our policy,” said Walker, as he fumbled with the two steel balls he always carries in his right hand. “If they won’t obey the Good Book, then we’re just going to have to make sure they can’t get pregnant. It’s the Christian thing to do.”

Loesch closed the interview by thanking Walker for his comments and praising his obsessive desire to control vaginas, ovaries, and uteri for the benefit of society as a whole.

Although Walker has been described as “legally insane” and “power mad” by several psychiatrists in the Madison area, he currently leads the Republican pack in the latest poll of likely Republican voters, which begs the question:

“Just what the fuck is wrong with those people?”