Tag Archives: police misconduct

Florida Woman Shot Dead After Brandishing Vagina

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LS003148Editor’s Note: As part of our week-long salute to Florida law enforcement we are dredging up interesting stories from the recent past involving “peace officers” and some of their unfortunate victims. Residents of Greater Cretonia will be well aware of some of these stories but we did not want to miss the chance of enlightening our national and international readers. This story first appeared in the fall of 2012.

TAMPA-Two off-duty cops “fatally killed” a naked woman at a social gathering Saturday afternoon in Hernando County, north of Tampa. A news release from the Hernando County Sheriff’s department stated that the men were approached by an “armed, naked, and irrational female.” The two men felt they had no choice but draw their weapons and fire.

The two lawmen were identified as Detective Rocky “Winchester” Howard of the Hernando County Sheriff’s Department and Officer William “Machine Gun” Mechler of the Tampa Police Department. The woman has not been identified pending notification of next of kin.

The two officers in question appeared at a brief press conference outside a Tampa Waffle House before going on paid administrative leave as required by the labyrinthine criminal justice system in Florida. Detective Howard stated, “The woman was totally naked. She approached us and brandished the vagina in a threatening and malevolent manner. There was no way for us to tell at the time whether it was loaded or just what her intentions were. However, I have been married three times and know full well just how dangerous a vagina can be. We were mortified and unfortunately felt we had no choice but to give the woman a few extra holes.”

Officer Mechler told reporters “I have never seen a vagina out in the open like that. Usually crimes like this are limited to the bedroom or one of our numerous strip-clubs. I was out of my mind with fear. It’s a damn good thing we were carrying our weapons. I don’t know what would have happened if we had not been at the party. A loose vagina wandering around the neighborhood unchecked could have caused massive property damage and posed a threat to the liberty of every man within a ten-mile radius.”

A spokesperson for Hernando County told reporters that the Florida Department of Law Enforcement will lead the investigation into the shooting, thus insuring that the two officers will be cleared of any wrongdoing. Some bystanders questioned the use of deadly force because the woman was “just doing what she does every time she consumes her daily bottle of ‘Don Cossack’ vodka.”

The shooting comes only two weeks after University of South Alabama freshman Gil Morgan was shot dead by campus police after brandishing a penis in a “vile and threatening manner.”

Governor Rick Scott issued a press release warning all law enforcement agencies that Florida and areas adjacent in Greater Cretonia seem to be in the middle of a crime spree featuring the use of sexual organs as deadly weapons. He has set up a meeting with lawmakers to push a bill in the state legislature which would shut down every adult novelty store within the state and ban the use of the prescription medication Viagra. “I hope this bill will be as effective as the law we passed earlier this year which made physicians around the state absolutely terrified to prescribe pain medication to anyone at all, even cancer patients with only weeks to live. We would also move to shut down all the state’s strip clubs if they did not represent such an integral part of Florida culture and provide such impressive tax revenues. The good citizens of Florida deserve to live their lives free from the threat of exposed sexual organs!”

Florida Cops Jailed Because Of “Slightly Unusual Activity”

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Editor’s Note: We realize that this story will be old news to most of  our readers in Greater Cretonia but being the subversive liberals that we are we could not resist kicking off our week-long salute to Florida law enforcement with this gem. So enjoy!

LAUDERHILL, FL-A May 24th, 2012 traffic stop eventually led to disaster for the two police officers pictured above. Officer Thomas Merenda (left) and Officer Franklin Hartley (right) were jailed earlier last year for actions that a police spokesman called “a little outside the realm of normal police duties.”

It seems that two women were pulled over by Officer Merenda and told to follow him into a nearby parking lot. The women had been drinking at one of the over six dozen strip clubs located in the area. As frequenting strip clubs is a common and encouraged practice within the state, the women were perplexed as to the reason for the stop. Officer Merenda informed the women that although he appreciated their interest in the female anatomy, he could not tolerate their obviously high blood-alcohol level and threatened to jail them if they did not “cooperate.”

cop

Officer misconduct often stems from the manner in which new officers are recruited. This recruiting poster for Bay County was accompanied by an ad in the local paper touting the job saying “Be your own boss! Get the best dope! Company car provided with a variety of weapons and a go-go cage for late night entertainment! More info at iwannabeacop.org

Apparently fearing that he was not man enough to handle two “wildcats” at the same time, Officer Merenda contacted his buddy Officer Hartley for backup. Hartley arrived shortly thereafter and the party commenced. According to arrest reports, Hartley ordered one of the lucky gals to perform oral sex on him. This done, he then proceeded to have intercourse with the woman in the vacant parking lot, which of course is considered a very romantic setting by many citizens throughout Greater Cretonia.

Officer Merenda, being the more unconventional of the pair, demanded that the other woman “punch him in the nuts.” By this he meant that he wanted the woman to strike his groin area with great force and enthusiasm with her fist or any handy blunt instrument. The woman complied with Officer Merenda’s wishes and everyone went home happy. Or so the officers thought.

Later, the women reported the incident to authorities and an investigation was reluctantly begun. It seems that copious evidence proving the veracity of the women’s statement was uncovered in the form of women’s undergarments, DNA, etc., at the crime scene. The GPS monitors on the officer’s cruisers confirmed that the party in the parking lot lasted roughly an hour and a half.

A spokesman for the Lauderhill Police Department told reporters that information had been uncovered regarding Officer Merenda’s masochistic tendencies and that somehow he had slipped through the screening process. “We really like our officers to be a little more conventional when it comes to their sexual preferences. However, we want to emphasize that the department is not here to tell anyone, including our officers, what they should do within the privacy of their own bedroom or in any nearby parking lots.”

After exhaustive research (one Google search) we here at the Times-Picayune have been unable to determine if the case has yet gone to trial. The officers were arrested last August. The case and charges against the officers may have been “disappeared” as is so often the case in Florida. Officer misconduct, as we shall see over the next week, continues to be a problem throughout Cretonia because of low pay, long hours and hazardous working conditions offered to young officers. It is not easy policing a population that reminds one of a pack of Neandertals drinking Budweiser and packing automatic weapons. However, “hope springs eternal,” and we all optimistically await a bright and sunny future for Florida. (If we manage to elect some Democrats)