Tag Archives: politics

Irving, Texas Bans Digital Clocks

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Digital-clock-alarm

DALLAS – (CT&P) – Dimwit, religious kook, and Irving, Texas Mayor Beth Van Duyne announced at a press conference this morning that all digital clocks currently in use within the city limits of the Dallas suburb will be seized by police if not turned in by 8:00 A.M. Central Time on Monday.

The ban was put into effect by executive order at 9:00 A.M. this morning.

“All digital clocks currently in use by businesses, churches, whorehouses, Christian militias, and the general public should be handed in over the weekend to police stationed at  collection points we’ve set up around the city,” said Van Bruyne, as saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.

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Moronic schoolteachers and police mistook Ahmed’s clock for a Russian suitcase nuke smuggled into Irving by starving Central American toddlers during the last wave of illegal immigration, which nearly brought the entire nation to its knees.

“These clocks represent a ‘clear and present danger’ to our safety as Americans who love Jesus. We regret that this action is necessary, but it has become apparent to us that it is impossible for schoolteachers and police to tell the difference between a hydrogen bomb and an innocent digital clock used to tell time or wake your sorry ass up after a late night on the town in Dallas.”

Mayor Van Duyne’s action was deemed necessary after a brilliant young student, Ahmed Mohamed, brought a homemade clock to school which teachers and police mistook for a 30 megaton nuclear device.

Ahmed was subsequently handcuffed and dragged away by Irving’s version of jack-booted Nazi thugs, and received a three-day suspension from school for exhibiting “creativity, critical thought, and an intellect unbecoming to the Christian religion.”

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Van Duyne, an ex-cheerleader and religious zealot who suffers from several severe mental disorders, has dedicated her life to eradicating anyone who does not love Jesus. She’s been called “an unstable and dangerous ignorant slut” by the Dallas Morning News editorial board.

“We just can’t afford to take chances with these Mooslims and our electronic devices,” said Van Duyne, as she clicked a couple of ball bearings together in her right hand. “Digital clocks are mysterious gadgets and no one in Texas has ever really understood how they work. You never know when one might vaporize a city, and I’m just not willing to take a chance like that with the lives our white Christian citizens.”

Rupert McTurd, president of the Partially Sane Residents of Dallas County Civil Rights Protection League, told CNN that the ban was the result of Van Duyne’s lifelong battle with paranoid schizophrenia.

“This is the same woman that’s terrified that sharia law is going to instituted in a 95% white Christian community,” said McTurd. “She’s been out of her fucking mind for quite some time now, and the only reason she got elected in the first place is because she looks like a used up ex-cheerleader from Muleshoe, and she has roughly the same IQ.”

PSRDCCR and other civil rights groups have already filed lawsuits in federal court today to overturn the ban and have Van Duyne committed to a psychiatric facility in Radiation Flats just south of Lubbock.

 

 

 

European Union Threatens Sanctions After Watching Last Night’s Debate

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Republican presidential candidates, from left, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, former New York Gov. George Pataki, Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson, businessman Donald Trump, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, businesswoman Carly Fiorina, Ohio Gov. John Kasich, and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie take the stage during the CNN Republican presidential debate at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum on Wednesday, Sept. 16, 2015, in Simi Valley, Calif. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – The European Commission, the executive branch of the European Union, met in emergency session in Brussels this morning to discuss possible sanctions against the United States if it looks like a Republican might win the White House in 2016.

President Jean-Claude Juncker explained to journalists after the meeting that member nations were alarmed by what they saw on CNN.

“We all saw clips of the first debate on Fox News, and after a brief meeting we decided that is was just more of that organization’s propaganda,” said Juncker. “But after last night, it seems that the GOP is seriously proposing that one of these clowns should be president of the United States.

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President Juncker declined to say what form the sanctions might take, but stressed that Europe would “do everything in its power” to prevent another dimwit from taking office.

“I was on the phone all morning long with panicked leaders from all over Europe, and I think I can speak for the entire continent when I say that we don’t want any of these fucked-up individuals to have the authority to launch nuclear weapons.

“Half of them are religious kooks and the other half don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Juncker, as he wiped sweat from his brow.

“We’d like to make it clear that this is not an indictment of the American people in general. We all have faith that the last thing Americans want is to put another hick in charge that will throw another land mass into chaos like Bush and that demon from hell Cheney did the Middle East. But we have to err on the side of caution and be ready to impose strict sanctions in the unlikely event that America loses its collective mind and tries to elect one of these idiots.”

President Juncker did not specify what form the sanctions might take, saying that the specifics were yet to be determined. However, he did say that European leaders would be “pulling out all the stops” to prevent the world from being subjected to another moron in the White House.

 

Sarah Palin Declared Legally Dead

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BALTIMORE – (CT&P) – A team of distinguished physicians and Ph.D’s from Johns Hopkins who examined Sarah Palin during a recent trip to Baltimore has declared her legally dead.

While at Hopkins, Palin was subjected to a wide variety of tests including functional MRI, PET, EEG, and CAT scans, as well as a whole battery of other tests on her body and brain.

The leader of the team, Dr. Jay Baraban, a professor specializing in MicroRNA regulation of synaptic function, told CNN that the scientists found almost no electrical activity within Palin’s skull, indicating that Palin is basically a zombie.

“What we found was truly amazing,” said Baraban. “Ms Palin is basically a walking turnip. I’m amazed she has the ability to wipe her own ass.”

The team also found that Palin had little or no blood flow through her brain.

“The fMRI scan revealed that Palin’s brain is basically a fetid swamp,” said Dr. Jeremiah Cohen, an Assistant Professor of Neuroscience specializing in neural circuits for reward, mood, and decision-making. “I really don’t see how the woman can function at all. It’s no surprise to me that the bitch never makes any sense.”

The team’s findings are not legally binding, so no one should get their hopes up that Palin can be detained and placed in a facility where she can be studied for the freak of nature that she is. However, the proper authorities have been notified of her condition so she can be monitored until all her systems shut down or someone drives a spike through her head.

Glenn Beck’s Sanity Reaches “Tipping Point”

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LOS ANGELES -(CT&P) – A team of psychiatrists, psychologists, and graduate level researchers from UCLA tasked with keeping tabs on right-wing nut jobs has released a statement saying that they believe talk show host Glenn Beck has reached the point where he could snap and break with reality at any moment.

Beck, a historical revisionist, conspiracy theorist, and all around delusional fuckwit, runs his own media company, and has long been a magnet for weak-minded members of society.

Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team at UCLA, told CNN that the mere fact that Beck has so many followers in the United States is alarming and does not bode well for the future of the country.

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Beck has long been haunted by the idea that a space alien or Satanic demon has taken over his soul and is directing his actions. He has to constantly remind himself that he is indeed a human being.

“Beck is one crazy fuck,” said Bigboote. “He thinks the world is run by a combination of the Illuminati and some unnamed dark force that lurks just beyond the asteroid belt. He has a massive messiah complex, and when you combine that with his multiple conspiracy theories and fucked up interpretation of history, well, it makes for a volatile mixture.”

Dr. John Yaya and Professor John Small Berries, other members of the prestigious research team, agree.

“Beck spent an entire hour of his radio program interviewing Jonathan Cahn, a huckster of the highest order, about his “Mystery of the Shemitah” theory, which postulates that some massive calamity — possibly an economic meltdown, possibly a terrorist attack, possibly a natural disaster — is going to strike the United States on September 13,” said Dr. Yaya. “This kind of crap is better suited for some kind of steam punk comic book than serious television. It shows just how close Beck is to losing it.”

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Beck, considered by most reasonable people to be a raving lunatic, became too unstable even for Fox News.

“That’s right,” said Professor Small Berries. “Beck thinks that America has reached some kind of ‘tipping point’ that will push us over into certain doom. The term is taking the dim-witted, weak minded evangelical crowd by storm. You can’t swing a cat without hitting the term ‘tipping point’ on the internet. These people truly believe that civil rights for all, marriage equality, and progressive ideas such as health care for the poor are going to lead to our destruction. They’re truly delusional.”

The UCLA team is set to publish their findings in next month’s edition of Psychology Today.

“Hopefully people will listen to us this time,” said Bigboote. “We accurately forecast Urban Meyer’s break with reality but University of Florida officials ignored our warnings, and look what happened; the Gators are having trouble defeating high school caliber opponents.

“Our sincere hope is that Beck can be institutionalized and get the help he needs so badly before something horrible happens to him or his loved ones. The sooner we get this fucking lunatic off the air the better.”

Carson Warns Jail Could Turn Davis Gay

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Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.

Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”

The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.

“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”

Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.

 

 

CNN Uses Affirmative Action To Include Fiorina In Debate

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) –CNN is amending the criteria for its Republican presidential debate in September, opening the door for Carly Fiorina to join the other top-tier candidates on the stage.

The cause: a lack of national public polling following the August 6 debate has so far provided only three new polls to determine the lineup for the Reagan Presidential Debate, according to a  CNN statement. CNN also expressed the desire to place Fiorina on stage “because she is a woman and women deserve an equal chance to look stupid on national television, just like the men.”

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It’s hoped that the second debate will force the cream to rise to the top of the crowded Republican field.

As a result, CNN reevaluated its criteria and decided to add a provision that better reflects the state of the race since the first Republican presidential debate in August, the network announced Tuesday.

Now, any candidate who ranks in the top 10 in polling between August 7 and September 10 will be included.

The adjustment may result in additional candidates joining the top-tier debate, but the final podium placements will not be known until the eligibility window closes on September 10.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, who was named after a rare urinary tract disorder, called a press conference and said the GOP was pleased with the decision.

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Although Fiorina has entertained running for veep on a Trump-Fiorina ticket, pundits hope that she will still give the cretinous bigot hell on stage.

“We are delighted that Carly will be given the opportunity to look like an idiot along with all the other clowns we have running in 2016,” said Priebus.

“Now we have a real businesswoman in the mix who knows how to fire thousands of people and wreck a tech company while at the same time negotiating a golden parachute for herself. She really knows how to exploit and deceive the weak, and that’s always a plus with a Republican candidate.

“I think she’ll make an excellent addition to our group of religious kooks, conspiracy theorists, doofuses, and power mad megalomaniacs that are currently leading the field.”

The debate will air in prime time on CNN on September 16th.

 

McDonald’s Ushers In The Apocalypse By Offering All-Day Breakfast

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OAK BROOK, IL – (CT&P) – Television evangelist and walking fossil Pat Robertson warned his viewers this morning that McDonald’s decision to offer its breakfast menu all day long is likely to precipitate the End Times.

“This decision, when combined with the upcoming blood moon, fulfills the ancient Biblical prophecies that warn of the Apocalypse,” said a trembling Robertson. “We’re all fucking doomed.”

The decision to offer breakfast all day means McDonald’s is embarking on its biggest operational change in years. All of its more than 14,300 U.S. restaurants will be effected.

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For years Robertson has blamed his chronic constipation on a three-per-day Filet-O-Fish habit.

The move to all-day breakfast, which McDonald’s has been testing since March and will start Oct. 6, was approved in a vote by franchisees last week and affirmed Tuesday by a franchisee leadership council, the company said.

The expansion marks the latest initiative under Chief Executive Steve Easterbrook, who took over on March 1 vowing to revamp the burger giant’s stale image and end a sales slump in the U.S. that began nearly three years ago.

McDonald’s customers for years have asked the company to sell breakfast items past the traditional 10:30 a.m. cutoff, but the challenges of cooking Egg McMuffins alongside Big Macs deterred the company. In an interview, McDonald’s USA President Mike Andres said it is the biggest strategic move the company has made since it rolled out its McCafe line of coffee and espresso drinks across the U.S. in 2009.

However, Robertson warned that CEO Easterbrook, despite his name, is really the demon Asag in disguise.

“Asag is well-known to cause all forms of illness, including food poisoning,” said Robertson, as he chugged his morning prune juice cocktail.

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McDonalds CEO Steve Easterbrook told CNN that the all day breakfast menu was a marketing decision and had nothing to do with precipitating hell on earth. “This is a decision meant to help our bottom line, and if it triggers the return of Jesus, well then I’m prepared to offer him free Egg McMuffins for the duration of the Last Days,” said Easterbrook.

“McDonald’s is making this change as the moon turns blood-red for the fourth time in 18 months, signaling the completion of the tetrad and doom for this planet. I hope that every God-fearing American will boycott McDonalds and swing by a Chick-fil-A drive-thru instead. Remember, God hates fags, and so does Chick-fil-A.”

Meanwhile at a press conference this morning Andres explained that offering an all day breakfast menu had nothing whatsoever to do with the Apocalypse.

“Pat Robertson is a fucking kook, and anyone who listens to him is an idiot,” said Andres. “Hell, I wish we could just go on TV and beg for money in the name of Jesus, but we don’t have a fucking tax exemption like that asshole.”

“This is the consumers’ idea. This is what they want us to do,” Mr. Andres said. “That’s why I think this could be the catalyst for our turnaround.”

 

In response to Andres remarks, Robertson told Fox News that “the man was possessed by Baal” and had no clue what he was talking about.

Obama Destroys Country Again

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Obama-Angry

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – President Barack Obama will officially restore Denali as the name of North America’s tallest mountain today, siding with the state of Alaska in ending a 40-year battle over what to call a peak that has been known as Mount McKinley.

The historic change, coming at the beginning of a three-day presidential trip to Alaska, is a sign of how hard the White House will push during Obama’s remaining 16 months as president to ensure his fight to address climate change is part of his legacy.

Renaming the mountain, which has an elevation of more than 20,000 feet (6,100 meters), makes headlines for his climate quest while also creating goodwill in a state that has not been broadly supportive to the Democratic president.

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Pat Robertson emerged from a coma on his television show this morning to warn that God will not stand by and let a negro Muslim president rename our sacred mountains.

Obama is slated to tour a receding glacier and meet people in remote Arctic communities whose way of life is affected by rising ocean levels, creating images designed to build support for regulations to curb carbon emissions.

However, a large number of idiots around the country have decried the name change as part of Obama’s continuing attempts to leave the United States a burned-out wreck of its former self when he leaves office.

“This must be part of Jade Helm North,” said C. J. Grisham, idiot, blogger, and president of Open Carry Texas, an organization full of sexual insecure misfits.

“As white people who support the constitution, we can’t just stand by and let that negra Muslim cede our sovereignty to a bunch of Indians. It’s bad enough that he let’s in all those Mexican rapists and murderers. If someone doesn’t stop him, all Americans will have equal rights, and we can’t have that.”

Rush Limbaugh, idiot and formerly important conservative talk show host, told his audience on Friday that Obama was just pandering to the powerful “Injun lobby” in hopes of locking up the 2016 election for Joe Biden.

“It’s a power grab by the minorities that threaten our archaic and bigoted white power structure,” said Limbaugh. “We have to rise up and make sure that nothing ever changes in America. We stole the country fair and square, and we can call it whatever we like.”

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Ohio, known as the “Mother of Drunken Presidents,” boasts eight American presidents, including U.S. Grant, whose liquor bill almost bankrupted the country in 1876.

The dangerously unbalanced Reverend Pat Robertson, an idiot who has made millions preaching the gospel of the socialist crusader Jesus of Nazareth, told viewers of the 700 Club that Tropical Storm Erika was a warning to all Christians in America that if Obama renames Mt. McKinley it will precipitate the End Times.

“If we really want to insure the safety of the United States we should give Alaska to Israel, like the prophecy states in the Bible,” said Robertson, as his enormous head lolled uncontrollably from side to side. Robertson then asked his viewers to pray with him and make a donation to his “Feedsack Fund” for the care and maintenance of all his expensive race horses.

Many other idiots across the U.S. object to the renaming as well, but none more than in the State of Ohio, where a misguided loyalty to McKinley and its seven other presidents almost reaches the level of religious fervor.

“Our presidents were the best,” said Verne McButt, a short order cook and graduate of Ohio State’s School of Acorn Management. “Virginia ain’t got shit on us.”

Although protests by misguided idiots, bigoted assholes, and miscreant climate change deniers are sure to continue, they will more than likely have little effect on Obama, who arrived at the “fuck it” stage of his presidency months ago.

 

 

Fucking F-35 To Be Tested Against A-10 In Ground Attack Scenarios

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The Defense Department plans to test the fifth-generation F-35 Joint Strike Fighter jet against the Cold War-era A-10 attack aircraft in close air support tests, according to multiple news reports.

During a conference last week in Arlington, Virginia, General Jack Ripper, USAF (Ret) an air warfare specialist and conspiracy theorist for the Pentagon’s office of the director of operational test and evaluation said the so-called comparative tests will take place in late 2017 or 2018, according to Politico and Defense Daily.

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Current plans for the test call for the F-35 to be loaded with high explosive and crashed into the ground in the center of the target area. Regretfully this means losing the pilot, but since the ejection system in the F-35 will not be operational until 2036, the Pentagon feels it has no choice.

The A-10, considered the best ground attack and close air support aircraft ever built, is essentially a flying tank capable of taking out an entire armored column in one pass. It has proved invaluable for vaporizing and dismembering a wide variety of enemies, including 7th century camel jockeys intent on returning the world to the Dark Ages before people knew enough to wash their hands after taking a shit.

 

The Pentagon plans to test the F-35 against the A-10 have been called “ludicrous” by people who actually have the sense God gave a goat.

“The F-35 is a plane that cannot yet fire its cannon, must avoid thunderstorms because electrical disturbances cause the plane to fly upside down, spontaneously combusts when being refueled, and cannot even carry a fucking full bomb load, said Dr. Strangelove, a defense planning expert for the Bland Corporation.

“The F-35 has trouble taking off and landing. How the fuck is it going to destroy anything other than the federal budget?”

 

“It would be like testing a miniature poodle against a Rottweiler for home defense,” said General Buck Turgidson, commander of the 843 Bomb Wing based at Burpelson Air Force Base in Omaha.

 

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General Ripper said that losing the pilot during these tests will be regrettable, but the Pentagon has to prove that the 1.5 trillion dollar F-35 can destroy something, even if it means destroying itself in the process.

“The F-35 is a pretty plane and all, and no one can deny that it’s fast, especially when it veers out of control and crashes into a stadium filled with soccer fans, but if it comes down to nuclear combat toe-to-toe with the Russkies, give the Warthog any day!”

 

Although the parameters for the upcoming tests have not yet been determined, General Ripper told Politico that current plans are for the F-35 to be loaded with high explosives and after a brief ceremony with a small glass of Jack Daniels, the pilot will be fitted with an Auburn bandanna and told to crash the fucking plane into the ground near the target.

 

“It’s the only way we can score close to the A-10 in these tests,” said General Ripper, as he took a big swig of grain alcohol and rainwater.

Iran Expected To Do Excellent Job Inspecting Their Own Fucking Nuclear Facility

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VIENNA – (CT&P) – Iran, in an unusual arrangement, will be allowed to use its own experts to inspect a site it allegedly used to develop nuclear arms under a secret agreement with the U.N. agency that normally carries out such work, according to a document seen by The Associated Press.

The agreement diverges from normal inspection procedures between the IAEA and a member country by essentially ceding the agency’s investigative authority to Iran. It allows Tehran to employ its own experts and equipment in the search for evidence of activities that it has been lying its ass off about for years.

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Chief Iranian negotiator and Minister of the Department of Vaporizing Tel Aviv, Mohammad Javad Zarif, told the Tehran Times-Picayune that “these Americans never fail to crack me up.”

“This historic agreement will guarantee the world that Iran has not been lying about the Parchin site because if it were, that would mean that it was dishonest,” said U.N. President Sam “I Am” Boutros Boutros Kahamba Kutesa Zimbabwe Smith.

“I feel confident that Iranian inspectors would let us know in a heartbeat if Iran was up to anything bad or mean-spirited.”

Condemnation of the ludicrous agreement was swift and caustic by Israeli politicians in Tel Aviv and those assigned to work within the U.S. Congress.

Senator Tom “Dead Eyes” Cotton told Fox News that “the time has come to turn Iran into glass,” and he would be more than willing to ride the first bomb targeted for Tehran.

Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu told the Bethlehem Fair Dealer that he was ready to fly to the United States and “kick Obama’s black ass.”

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Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has volunteered to ride the first bomb destined for Iran sometime late next week.

Evidence of the concession, as outlined in the document, is sure to increase pressure from U.S. congressional opponents as they review the July 14 Iran nuclear deal and vote on a resolution of disapproval in early September. If the resolution passed and President Barack Obama vetoed it, opponents would need a two-thirds majority to override it. Even Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican, has suggested opponents will likely lose.

 

The White House has denied claims by critics that a secret “side deal” favorable to Tehran exists. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has said the Parchin document is like other routine arrangements that allow crazed bloodthirsty Muslims to inspect their own fucking weapons facilities.

 

Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., rubs his faces as he listens to Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., speak during his confirmation hearing to become the next top diplomat, replacing Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Thursday, Jan. 24, 2013, on Capitol Hill in Washington. Kerry is likely to face friendly questioning on a smooth path to approval before the committee he has served on for 28 years and led for the past four. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression and is on round the clock suicide watch in his Boston mansion after trying to choke himself to death with a bottle of ketchup.

“This agreement is no different from numerous agreements we’ve made with other religious kooks who want to return to the good old days before there was electricity and indoor plumbing,” said Kerry, who looked like he had just been told he had a week to live. “I see no problem with it.”

Republican critics are bound to harshly criticize any document that cedes to Iran the right to look for the very nuclear wrongdoing that it has denied committing.

Olli Heinonen, who was in charge of the Iran probe as deputy IAEA director general from 2005 to 2010, said he can think of no instance where a country being probed was allowed to do its own investigation.

“This is just fucked up,” said Heinonen. “It would be like assigning Heinrich Himmler to inspect Dachau for evidence of crimes against humanity. It’s insane.”