Tag Archives: politics

Carson Defends Fetal Tissue Research: “We Never Used Christian Babies”

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson passionately defended his use of fetal brain tissue in the Washington Post on Thursday. Earlier in the week it was revealed that in 1992 Dr. Carson had used fetal tissue in what many are calling monstrous research aimed at curing some of the most horrible diseases known to mankind.

Carson, a well-known kook who believes the earth is 6,000 years old and that Noah provided VIP seating for dinosaurs on the Ark, has been a vocal critic of fetal tissue research.

Last month, Carson railed against Planned Parenthood and pro-choice advocates by describing a fetus in the 17th week of gestation.

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Dr. Carson is well-known for his batshit crazy theories. In 2005 he published an essay in Christian Archaeology Quarterly claiming to have proof that fossils were placed on earth by Satan to fool humans into believing that evolution was true.

“At 17 weeks, you’ve got a nice little nose and little fingers and hands and the heart’s beating,” he said on Fox News. “It can respond to environmental stimulus. How can you believe that that’s just an irrelevant mass of cells? That’s what they want you to believe, when in fact it is a human being.”

However, according to Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN and pain medicine physician, the Republican presidential candidate published a study with three other colleagues in 1992 that described using “human choroid plexus ependyma and nasal mucosa from two fetuses aborted in the ninth and 17th week of gestation.”

She wrote on her blog:

“As a neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson knows full well that fetal tissue is essential for medical research. His discipline would have a hard time being [where] it is today without that kind of work. What is even more egregious than dismissing the multitude of researchers whose work allowed him to become a neurosurgeon is the hypocrisy of actually having done that research himself while spouting off about its supposed worthlessness.”

As soon as the revelations came to light, Dr. Carson mounted a spirited but often unintelligible defense of his team’s use of cute little unborn babies in their research:

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Dr. Carson assured his supporters that he only conducted research on fetuses from atheists and other “unsaved trash.”

“You have to look at the intent,” Carson said before beginning a campaign swing through New Hampshire. “To willfully ignore evidence that you have for some ideological reason is wrong. If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it.”

His defense was called confused and self-serving by media outlets, so on Thursday Carson contacted the Washington Post to clear everything up.

“Although what we were doing was absolutely unconscionable, and clearly could have been done with lizard fetuses or on a computer, I want to assure all my wacked-out supporters that no Christian babies were dissected. Our salesman from Planned Parenthood, Dr. Beelzebub, assured us that we were paying for babies that were from Muslim, Jewish, or atheist mothers.

“I think we can all agree that questionable experiments on unsaved trash, whether they be unborn kiddos or fully functioning adults, is perfectly acceptable and even necessary if we are ever going to solve the public health crisis we face in this country.

epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation to become a successful neurosurgeon and Tea Party darling.

“If we are going to defeat socialism, gay marriage, and the climate change conspiracy, then we’re going to have to find a way to make sure every child emerges from the womb a Christian, and our research was aimed at making that a reality.”

Dr. Carson’s explanation for his actions has been greeted with mixed reactions.

His followers in the Tea Party have been stupefied by the revelations, but that is their natural resting state, so he is not expected to lose many votes in that demographic.

However, people with an average IQ or higher point to his hypocrisy as just another reason that he should either be institutionalized or get a job as a tour guide at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum.

According to the latest polls, Dr. Carson continues to have “a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning the Republican nomination.

Fester Addams Joins Republican Field For President

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference yesterday afternoon, state senator Fester Addams (R-FL) announced that he would be joining the already crowded field vying for the Republican nomination for president.

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Fester said his first priority as president will be to formulate some sort of coherent energy policy.

From his mansion at 0001 Cemetery Lane in Panama City, Fester told reporters that it was high time a serious candidate with a firm grip on the issues joined the race.

 

“I saw that train wreck of a debate Thursday night, and watched in horror as candidate after candidate spewed the same tired rhetoric we’ve heard for decades,” said Fester.

 

“I just could not believe the bullshit I was hearing. It’s almost as if these guys are stuck in some sort of 1960’s sitcom.”

 

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Fester told reporters that he finally made up his mind to run after he saw how well Senator Ted Cruz was doing despite making a fool of himself on a regular basis

Fester, affectionately known as “Uncle” to his colleagues in Florida, is well-known for his antics on the floor of the state house, which include sticking light bulbs in his mouth and moving metal objects around the room with his mind in order to distract Democrat speakers.

 

Fester said that he had been considering a run for quite some time but the straw that broke the dragon’s back was the nonsense that came out of Senator Ted Cruz’s mouth during the debate.

 

“If that lunatic can spout the crap he does and actually climb in the polls, well then I ought to have a legitimate shot at the nomination,” said Fester.

Fester told the assembled reporters that the bulk of his campaign will be financed by his brother Gomez, but a kickoff fundraiser will be held this week in the fetid swamp bordering his home.

“Everyone is invited,” said Fester.

 

Planned Parenthood Selling Fetal Tissue To Gay Labs

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a guest spot on Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, esteemed filmmaker and respected intellectual David Daleiden told Beck that in episode six of his groundbreaking documentary on the Planned Parenthood conspiracy he will target the organization’s plot to sell fetal tissue to gay laboratories around the globe.

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Although the 26-year-old Daleiden has never had sex with another person, he is widely considered to be an expert on reproduction, women’s health, and fetal tissue research.

Daleiden explained to a profusely sweating Beck that for years hundreds of Planned Parenthood physicians, administrators, and janitors had been part of a conspiracy to sell fetal tissue from aborted babies to laboratories working on a secret “gay vaccine.”

According to Daleiden, the vaccine is part of an initiative by the Obama White House to inject young kids with a “gay virus” that would result in the rapid increase in the number of gays in the United States.

 

“It’s all part of the wider conspiracy to push the gay agenda down our throats and reduce the number of live births in America so we can more easily be oppressed by the government,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand.

 

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Daleiden said that gay laboratories, both foreign and domestic, are using fetal tissue to develop a “gay vaccine” to give to our kids in order to make them homosexuals.

“This episode is sure to blow the lid off the conspiracy once and for all,” said Daleiden. “Of course, like in the other videos, I had to do a great deal of editing in order to make Planned Parenthood look as bad as possible, and I added a few scenes from some Mel Gibson movies in order to take up the slack, but I think your audience of kooks and weak-minded conspiracy theorists will get the gist of what I’m saying.”

 

After Daleiden left so he could appear on another batshit crazy radio show, Beck praised the famous filmmaker for his courage and depth of insight into the conspiracy between Planned Parenthood, gay laboratories, and the Obama Administration.

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Daleiden told Beck that episode seven of his documentary will focus on the conspiracy to clone a gay Hitler and raise him to rule the United States after all our guns are taken away.

“I just can’t say enough about this brave young man,” said Beck, as tears rolled down his face. “To think that this conspiracy has been going on right under our noses all this time, and it took an unbalanced 26-year-old misfit to root it out! And the gays are at the center of it! I just can’t call myself an American anymore.”

Beck put his money where his mouth is by taking down the American flag on his TV show. The emotional, gut wrenching ceremony was seen by hundreds of viewers worldwide.

Beck replaced the Stars and Stripes with two flags he had custom-made by a company that caters to his insane ideas. One was a Bennington flag with “Liberty” and “Union” printed on the bottom, two words Beck misinterprets on a regular basis. The other was a depiction of a Christmas tree with “An Appeal to Heaven” written on it.

There is no word yet on whether his imaginary friend has responded to his plea.

 

 

New Pentagon Report Indicates F-35 Continues To Suck

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BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE, OMAHA – (CT&P) -The 1.5 trillion-dollar F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to defeat the decades old F-16 in a dogfight, according to a report released last week by the Pentagon.

According to the report, in visual range air-to-air dogfight tests conducted in January between an F-35A and an F-16C, the F-35 was “shot down” by the decades-old F-16 nine out of ten times. In the one instance where the F-35 was victorious it was aided by a flock of geese that flew into the path of the F-16 at a critical moment and collided with it, causing the pilot to eject.

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Ground crews have begun drawing straws to see who refuels the F-35 because of its tendency to spontaneously combust on the tarmac.

The F-35, nicknamed ‘The Garbage Scow’ or ‘The Widow Maker’ by test pilots, has been plagued with problems from its inception, but the dogfight analysis offered some of the most depressing news yet to USAF officials.

The report stated that F-16 was able to “fly rings around the new jet” and shoot it down as if it were a Sopwith Camel or other World War I flying machine.

The report even goes into what is akin to a fairly desperate move usually only used in one-on-one air combat maneuvers, known as a rudder reversal, that the F-35 is apparently decent at performing at slow speeds. The fact that this was even detailed in the report as a useful tactic is telling. In reality, using such maneuvers means you are probably going to die if any other bad guys are in the area as it rapidly depletes the aircraft’s energy state, leaving it vulnerable to attack.

And to add insult to injury, the JSF flier discovered he couldn’t even comfortably move his head inside the radar-evading jet’s cramped cockpit. “The helmet was too large for the space inside the canopy to adequately see behind the aircraft.” That allowed the F-16 to sneak up on him.

The F-16 pilot, Major T. J. “King” Kong reportedly told his commanding officer that it was like “shooting fish in a barrel.”

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Major T.J. “King” Kong said that although the F-35 “sure was purty” it wouldn’t be worth a shit if it had to go “toe to toe with the Russkies.”

“It was just like a turkey shoot back home in Lubbock,” said Major Kong. “I could see that poor feller twistin’ and turnin’ in his seat and bangin’ his head on the canopy just like a coon trapped in a shoebox. It was like going up against Snoopy and his flyin’ doghouse, I tell ya. I mean, it shore is a purty plane and all, but I’ll retire before I have to fly one of those junk heaps!”

USAF General Jack Ripper, who has from the beginning been critical of the trillion-dollar aircraft, told Aviation Week that our only hope is that the Chinese copy the plane down to the last detail.

“It can’t fire its cannon, it has trouble flying right side up, it has a tendency to explode during refueling, it has trouble turning and climbing, it can’t fly near thunderstorms, and it’s computer systems are just as likely to target automobiles on the interstate as enemy aircraft. Hell, even its stealth capabilities have turned out to be a drawback ’cause we can’t find the wreckage when one goes down. It’s a trillion dollar piece of shit!”

Despite all of its troubles the F-35 continues to be a big hit with congressmen in whose districts the plane’s parts are manufactured, and with war hawks intent on bankrupting the country through the military industrial complex.

Each plane will cost over $100 billion and runs about $35,000 per hour to operate. The Pentagon plans on building over 2500 of the abominations.

God help us all.

 

 

 

Trump Asks Carly Fiorina To Be Running Mate

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – This morning Donald Trump told the couch tumors on Fox and Friends that he has asked Carly Fiorina to be his running mate in the upcoming 2016 presidential election.

Confident of victory over the “bunch of losers” running against him for the Republican nomination, Trump told Brian Kilmeade that he wanted to go ahead and get a veep on board as early as possible so the two of them could get down to some serious Hillary bashing over the next 12 months.

After Steve Doocy explained to Kilmeade what a “veep” was, Kilmeade asked Trump if he wasn’t “jumping the gun” a little.

“Listen Brian, I’m rich, and that’s all anyone needs to know,” said Trump. “If America is to survive the wave of diseased Mexican rapists that our Kenyan Muslim socialist dictator of a president has allowed to enter this country then I’m the only reasonable choice.

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Fiorina accepted Trump’s offer after seeing her latest polling numbers, which indicate that she is about as popular as an intestinal parasite.

“America still has a chance to be great again, but only if I’m elected. My secret plans to defeat ISIS and Iran are rock solid, and my economic policies are the greatest that mankind has ever devised.”

When Kilmeade asked Trump why he chose Fiorina over all the other raving lunatics in the GOP field, Trump answered, “Well, she’s a woman, which means she’ll be easily intimidated and do exactly as I say, and I admire the way she negotiated a golden parachute for herself as she ran Hewlett-Packard right into the ground.

“Also, she understands the Republican economic philosophy, which dictates that business owners should lay off tens of thousands of workers, cut benefits, and pay subsistence wages while politicians destroy the social safety net and give tax breaks to huge corporations and the wealthiest 1% in this country. That way, economic prosperity will trickle down to the oppressed masses and we’ll create a whole bunch of new low paying dead-end jobs. It’s a time-tested successful formula that’s worked every time it’s been tried, and it has the wonderful side benefit of destroying the middle class.”

The three Fox and Friends abnormal tissue masses congratulated Trump on his logic, and after wiping saliva from their chins, moved on to interview Dr. Ben Carson, another GOP candidate and insane person who believes that the Ark was real and dinosaurs once walked the earth with man.

Scott Walker Vows To Be ‘Education President’

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa last week, Wisconsin governor and presidential candidate Scott Walker promised a fawning crowd of over 3000 supporters that if elected, he would finally find time to get an education.

“I want to be known as an ‘educated president,’ not some dumbass who has no clue what the fuck he’s doing,” said Walker. “I’m sure that once I’m elected I’ll be able to find time to take some courses in remedial English, civics, and even a little history. Bob Jones University has even offered me a scholarship!

“It’s important for the president to be the leader of the entire country, not just a bunch of hicks that want to do away with the entire federal government. I’d like to be able to say that I can lead the enlightened as well as the idiotic.”

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According to aides, Governor Walker spends a great deal of his free time reading children’s books so he can boost his comprehension level past that of preschooler with encephalitis.

Walker, who has conducted an all-out war on higher education since becoming governor of Wisconsin, has been criticized for his lack of understanding of complex issues.

“Walker shows almost no grasp of any concept taught past the 8th grade,” said Wisconsin Education Association Council president Betsy Kippers. “He doesn’t know if he believes in evolution, he doesn’t know if homosexuality is a choice, and he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. The bastard barely knows his right from his left. He’s an idiot.”

Governor Walker stirred up controversy in February when he stupidly compared protesting teachers and their supporters with terrorists threatening to ‘blow up America.’ But lately he’s been trying to soften his image and appeal to Americans who actually graduated from high school.

“I want to do more than just bust up teacher’s unions, abolish abortion, and deny health care to the poor,” said Walker. “I want to learn how to play checkers, for example.”

When asked by reporters whether he would take any courses in science so he could tell the difference between weather and climate, photosynthesis and Photoshop, a blastocoel and a blast radius, and a zebra from a zygote, Walker replied, “Oh no, we Republicans are Christians and don’t practice the ‘black arts.’ We leave that to Satan and his minions.”

 

 

 

Trump Replaces Bill O’Reilly As Nation’s Most Prominent Asshole

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll conducted just this morning has found that a majority of Americans now believe that Donald Trump is the most obnoxious asshole they have ever heard of. Trump edged out Bill O’Reilly, Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Jim Inhofe to win top honors.

The lightning poll of 100 million adults asked participants to rate each individual in terms of obnoxiousness, pomposity, lack of empathy, stupidity, and blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance.

“The results were stunning,” said Michael Dimock, President of Pew Research. “65% of those polled rated Trump the ‘largest walking anus’ they had ever seen, with the former champ Bill O’Reilly dropping to a distant second place.”

When asked if they could describe Trump in one word, participants in the poll used adjectives like “vile,” “heinous,” “disgusting,” “loathsome,” “repugnant,” and “odious” to describe the Republican front-runner.

When asked why he thought there was such a shift in public opinion, Dimock said that the almost unfathomable amount of bullshit pouring forth from Trump’s mouth in recent weeks probably had something to do with it.

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Although O’Reilly is no longer considered “king of the assholes” by the American public, he retained his title of “Biggest Horse’s Ass on Television.”

“When you go around saying that 17% of our population consists of a gang of diseased rapists and start bad-mouthing a war hero when you yourself got a deferment for an ankle sprain, people naturally start to regard you as some kind of hideous parasitic worm, which is exactly what Trump is,” said Dimock.

Dimock was less decisive as to whether the change in attitude would affect Trump’s campaign for the Republican nomination for president.

“Most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Dimock. “I mean we’re talking about the Tea Party wing of the GOP; these people can’t even spell moron or constitution correctly on their protest signs.

“I think Trump will continue to poll pretty well among those Neanderthals. They think he’s ‘telling it like it is’ when he has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about. He’s still got a shot.”

When Trump was asked about the poll during a press conference this afternoon, he told reporters, “Yes, that’s right. I’m the richest asshole in the United States.”

Bill O’Reilly, who held the top spot for many years, claimed the poll was a conspiracy hatched by White House officials and their friends in the liberal media.

When reached by phone for comment, O’Reilly told New York Times reporter Emily Steel that the poll was wildly inaccurate and he was still the biggest asshole on the public stage. He also threatened to kill anyone involved in the poll or any employee of Pew Research that he could get his hands on.

 

Planned Parenthood Linked To Benghazi Attack

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman Trey “Curt” Gowdy (R-SC) of the House Select Committee for Investigating Benghazi for the 5th Time told reporters today that the committee had heard testimony this morning that indicated there was a link between executives at Planned Parenthood and the plot to kill Ambassador J Christopher Stevens hatched by Hillary Clinton and other members of the Obama White House.

“We heard testimony from a 15-year-old girl who, when visiting a Planned Parenthood  health center in Sandy Springs, Georgia, was recruited to participate in the raid on our consulate in Libya,” said Gowdy.

A protester reacts as the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi is seen in flames during a protest by an armed group said to have been protesting a film being produced in the United States in this September 11, 2012 file photo. Ahmed Abu Khatallah, a key suspect in the 2012 attack on the U.S. diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya, is being held on a U.S. ship following his capture over the weekend by U.S. special operations forces, a U.S. official said on June 17, 2014. The official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the suspect was apprehended on the outskirts of Benghazi in a secret operation. He will be brought to the United States, the official added. REUTERS/Esam Al-Fetori/Files (LIBYA - Tags: POLITICS CIVIL UNREST)

This man, who participated in the attack on our consulate, was previously identified as Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi Jr. According to Gowdy, the committee has discovered that his real name is John Small Berries of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. Gowdy claims he was employed by Planned Parenthood as a janitor and fetal parts delivery boy at the Baltimore, Maryland branch.

According to Gowdy, the girl, who was only 12 years old at the time, had visited the health center when she was 35 1/2 weeks pregnant in order to get an abortion. Gowdy said that after the abortion was completed the fetus was cut up and shipped off to various eugenics and reanimation labs around the globe.

“That was when the real lawbreaking began,” said Gowdy.

According to Gowdy, after the operation when the girl was sitting around drinking wine with the staff, she was approached by an aide to Hillary Clinton who offered her fifty bucks plus expenses to fly to Libya and participate in the attack. Gowdy said the girl declined because she had a date that night with a particularly hot member of her church.

“We consider this whole episode an outrage, and we have video evidence to back up this poor girl’s story,” said Gowdy.

Gowdy told Fox News that an organization called “Christians United Against Providing Health Care To The Poor” happened to be in the waiting room that day on a sting operation. The clandestine team, posing as buyers from the retail chain Baby Parts R Us, filmed the whole episode with cell phones.

“I think this is straw that breaks the camel’s back on this whole conspiracy,” said Gowdy. “These revelations are going to bring down the Hillary campaign and will probably mean jail time for everyone involved.”

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Despite the Libyan government’s best efforts to put it out, this vehicle is still burning three years after the attack.

When reached for comment on the testimony and video, the ranking Democrat on the committee Elijah Cummings (MD) told CNN that as usual Gowdy was full of shit.

“They dragged this poor chick before the committee and she read from a prepared script written on Darrell Issa’s stationary,” said Cummings.

“Then they show this shaky video of people talking and smiling in a waiting room. It was hard to make out who said what because the audio was obviously dubbed in later. I mean it looked like an old Godzilla movie. Gaps in the video are filled in with old Bugs Bunny cartoons. It was a ridiculous waste of time and taxpayers’ money, but what the fuck else is new with these clowns?”

Gowdy told Fox News that, although there were a few holes in the story, the entire Republican Caucus would be viewing film at a gala reception planned for the unfortunate young woman next week in Georgetown, and after that a decision would be made about what to do.

Planned Parenthood Increases Price Of Fetal Tissue

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards announced a price increase this morning on all fetal tissue being sold by their 700 retail health and dissection centers located in the United States.

Richards emphasized that the increase only affects centers within the borders of the U.S., and that Planned Parenthood “black sites” in foreign countries can continue to set their own prices.

According to Richards, the across the board price increase was made in response to the increased demand for organs, umbilical chords, stem cells, amniotic fluid, and a variety of other fetal tissues caused by an amateurish video made by a deranged young man named David Daleiden.

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According to Richards, some of Planned Parenthood’s biggest customers are voodoo priestesses in Haiti and Louisiana who combine amniotic fluid with caffeine to produce an energy drink called “Red Kid.”

“Demand has skyrocketed since Daleiden’s video was made public, so a price increase was the natural thing to do,” said Richards.

The video, which was pounced upon by Fox News, conservative radio hosts, Christian websites, and other questionable news outlets provides unequivocal proof that Planned Parenthood is an organization made up of Devil worshipers who sell unborn babies and their parts to the highest bidders.

“We could not have hoped to get this kind of publicity; not in our wildest, fever induced, Satanic dreams,” said Richards.

According to Richards the fetal tissue and body parts that Planned Parenthood sells go to a wide variety of buyers including medical schools, drug companies, research universities, secretive private laboratories in South America, 4-H clubs, secondary schools for use in high school science projects, witch doctors, terrorists, and wealthy cannibals tired of eating adult humans.

“We have a very broad customer base that we strive to keep happy,” said Richards. “Thanks to Daleiden’s video and all the publicity it’s caused we can cut back on advertising and entertainment expenses and expand our abortion factories so we can do away with even more potential humans. It’s been a real godsend.”

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Richards told CNN that most fetal internal organs are sold to private laboratories located in remote mountainous regions of eastern Europe for ongoing research in reanimation.

Although Daleiden’s original purpose in making the video has apparently backfired, he is reported to be basking in his new-found fame.

“David is really enjoying all this,” said Daron Dimbulb, a close friend of Daleiden’s who is also obsessed with controlling women’s reproductive organs. “He never thought he would be the object of so much praise from our country’s apparently unlimited population of morons. He really looks forward to being salivated on by Sean Hannity when he goes on his show next week.”

Richards told CNN that although no more price increases are currently being considered, if demand continues to increase all bets are off.

“With the help of Our Lord and Savior Mephistopheles, we’ll be able to convince more poor young girls to get knocked up so we can rip more children out of uteruses all across the country,” said Richards. “Otherwise we’re just going to have to jack prices again. It’s a no lose situation for us.”

 

El Chapo Announces For President; Joins Already Crowded GOP Field

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MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – El Chapo Guzman, Mexican radio personality and part-time cartel leader, paused during his escape yesterday to announce that he was throwing his cap in the ring for president of the United States.

Guzman embarrassed Mexican authorities on Sunday by slipping into a shaft through the shower floor of his prison cell and escaping through a mile-long, ventilated tunnel outfitted with a motorbike.

Guzman paused at the end of the tunnel long enough to tell reporters that he was joining the presidential race in the U.S. because he felt that someone needed to do something about the millions of illegal immigrants pouring over the border into America each year. He also hopes that he will be able to facilitate trade “of all sorts” between the United States and his native Mexico.

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In less than 24 hours Guzman has raised more cash than any of his rivals in the GOP field. “He’s definitely got the Benjamins to make this a real horse race,” said Charles Krauthammer.

“I’ve been worried about the problem of illegal immigration for many years,” said El Chapo, as he calmly executed members of his tunneling staff because they failed to air condition the escape shaft. “The failure of Congress to come up with a comprehensive immigration bill is an embarrassment to both parties, and something has to be done.”

Guzman’s entry into the race on the Republican side has raised some eyebrows with law enforcement but most Republican pundits around the country see it as a positive development.

Charles Krauthammer told Fox News viewers that “Guzman’s entry into the race will be a positive thing for the party. His outstanding organizational skills and determination to get things done, even when faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, will serve him well. I also think that his generosity towards the poor will soften the face of the GOP, which as we all know suffers from a lack of empathy for anyone who makes less than $250,000 per year.”

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Guzman campaign posters are already going up all over the country. They are designed to appeal to America’s oppressed minorities as well as members of the NRA.

Former U.S. drug enforcement officials said they had feared Guzman would quickly retake control of the Sinaloa cartel, which reaches deep into the United States and far around the world. They were relieved to hear that he will only be joining the current bunch of crooks currently running for president.

Barry McCaffrey, former director of the U.S. Office of National Drug Control Policy and an NBC News analyst, said Guzman would probably not leave Mexico unless he wins the nomination.

“He’s safest there,” McCaffrey said on Today. “I mean, entire police departments have been bought, along with hotel and casino chains formerly owned by Donald Trump. I think he’ll hang tight until his poll numbers rise.”

The entire Mexican army and federal police force, as well as numerous local agencies, are currently searching for Guzman. Officially his whereabouts remain unknown despite the fact that he was seen having coffee at the Ritz Carlton Mexico City this morning with General Antonio “Montana” Hernandez.