Tag Archives: politics

Gigantic Scrotum On Collision Course With Earth

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asteroid

HONOLULU – (CT&P) – Less than one hour after the Supreme Court issued its ruling on marriage equality, astronomers at the Maui Space Surveillance Site detected a huge asteroid hurtling towards earth.

The scrotum-shaped rock is roughly the size of Texas and is traveling about 30 kilometers per hour. Scientists have calculated that the asteroid will strike somewhere near the geographic center of the lower 48.

Officials at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed the siting and told CNN that the asteroid is weird in that it appears to be piloted by a 2000 year-old dude of Middle Eastern descent with a beard and flowing robes.

On May 1st, End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles warned his unbalanced and bigoted audience that just this thing was going to happen. When reached for comment Wiles said “I told you so! This is what happens when you offer health insurance to the poor and let gay people get married. God is angry and is going to cleanse America of sin with this flaming fireball of divine justice.”

The Right Reverend Franklin Graham, who called for “spiritual warfare” against pro-gay businesses recently, told Fox News that he didn’t quite expect such a rapid response from the all-loving deity, but was happy to see it just the same.

“I think it’s great that God has decided to immolate the United States,” said Graham. “When you go against the teachings of old book written before we knew that our own excrement should not be disposed of in our water supply, bad things happen.”

Reverend Graham was later seen preparing to abandon his flock and get the hell out of the United States on his private jet.

Some religious leaders expressed disappointment that Alaska and Hawaii had apparently been spared the destruction, but they all rejoiced when JPL announced they had detected a giant penis-shaped comet aimed at Anchorage and a huge cloud of space debris resembling a vagina speeding towards the Pacific island chain.

 

 

 

 

Chinese Hackers Disappointed With Fed Workers’ Sex Lives

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chinesehackers

BEIJING – (CT&P) – Chinese government officials, speaking on condition of anonymity lest they be arrested and executed, told Xinhua, the People’s Republic official press agency, that so far the treasure trove of data gleaned in the recent hack of U.S. Office of Personnel Management has yielded little useful information.

The cyber breach, which affected the data of nearly 18 million former, current, and prospective government workers is apparently almost four times greater than what the government originally announced.

FBI Director James Comey gave the 18 million estimate in a closed-door briefing to Senators in recent weeks, using the OPM’s own internal data, according to U.S. officials briefed on the matter. Those affected could include people who applied for government jobs, but never actually ended up working for the government.

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Ace Chinese hacker ‘Dragon Scrotum’ told the Chinese News Service that Americans were about the most sexually repressed people he had ever hacked. “It was so boring I had trouble staying awake,” he said.

Despite the huge numbers of individuals affected, Chinese generals have so far been really disappointed with the quality of the information obtained, calling it “boring” and “unfit for blackmail purposes.”

A Chinese hacker known as “Dragon Scrotum” told the Chinese News Service that his superiors were shocked by the lack of creativity and adventure shown in American worker’s choice of porn, among other things.

“Americans have many sexual hang-ups,” said Dragon Scrotum. “They talk a good game, but about the most exciting thing they do is switch positions every once in a while. There were some interesting websites involving barnyard animals, but as far as we could tell these guys just stare longingly at goats and sheep and stuff and never do anything about it.

“There were a few illicit office relationships that we stumbled across, but nothing as exciting as the ones involving Bill Clinton, and hell that’s old hat. About the best we could do was turn over some e-mail exchanges between mail carriers that said things like ‘I can’t wait to go postal on you after work today baby!’

“I’m told our leaders hope to use it to disrupt mail service in the D.C. area.”

KKK Campaign Fails To Meet Recruitment Goals

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kkkrally

CHARLOTTE – (CT&P) – Ku Klux Klan officials held a press conference this morning to express their disappointment with the low numbers of young people signing up to join the organization during their latest recruiting drive, currently going on across the Bible Belt and for some weird reason in California as well.

The presser took place inside an abandoned Duke Energy toxic coal ash dumping site along a formerly pristine river in Pelham, North Carolina. Apparently it was the only location in which the officials felt safe enough to talk to the media.

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KKK officials are at a loss to explain why they can’t recruit more young people to participate in horrific hate-filled programs such as the Black Church Immolation Jamboree and their Summer Genocide Camp for high school students.

“We just don’t understand the anemic response,” said Billy Joe Polyp, Grand Imperial Anus of the South Carolina Chapter. “We took great pains to put gluten-free candy in with all our flyers we distributed under the cover of darkness over the last few nights. We thought for sure that the candy would overcome young people’s nausea and disgust with what we actually had to say in our propaganda. It’s a real mystery.”

The propaganda, stuffed into plastic baggies with pieces of peppermint and Tootsie Rolls and hurled onto people’s lawns during the early morning hours, included a phone number for the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. The fliers were distributed in California, Kansas, Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.

It’s not something local police departments are taking lightly, and some have even reached out to the FBI for assistance. The Rockdale County sheriff’s department in Conyers, Georgia collected more than 80 fliers and is investigating whether anyone can be charged with criminal trespass or littering.

“Whether it was a joke or from an organization doesn’t matter to me,” Sheriff Eric Levett told The Daily Beast. “The fact that it was done during this time is ignorant and cowardly. We take this seriously and I’ve even ordered that we curtail some of our dog-killing patrols in order to work on this problem.”

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Robert “Asswipe” Jones, Imperial Buttplug of the Royal White Numbnuts of North Carolina, told CNN that he was “damn proud” of Dylann Roof for standing up for fucked up morons all over the country.

A message on the hate-spewing hotline, based in North Carolina, salutes 21-year-old Dylann Roof, who was charged with murder for the killing nine people in Charleston. Roof penned a incoherent racist manifesto before the June 17 mass shooting and wanted to start a “race war.”

“We in the Loyal White Knights of the KKK would like to say hail victory to … Dylan S. Roof who decided to do what the Bible told him,” a man chirps in the recording. “Jesus is on our side! Why, he even wore a sheet! An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. They [black people] have spilled our blood too long. It’s about time someone spilled theirs.”

“If it ain’t white, it ain’t right,” the message concludes. “White power!”

Robert “Asswipe” Jones, of the Royal White Numbnuts in North Carolina, told The Daily Beast that the Klan is undergoing a national recruitment drive that coincidentally started around the time of the South Carolina murders.

“We’re doing this from the East Coast to the West Coast, just to let people know that the Klan, like a cancerous tumor that just won’t go away, is still in their community,” said Jones, the grand dickhead of the hate group based in Pelham, N.C. “Especially with all the stuff that’s in the news—in South Carolina they’re wanting to take the confederate flag down.”

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KKK officials postulated that the demographic they are targeting is too heavily involved in Tea Party politics to join the Klan at this time.

Jones told The Daily Beast that he supports Roof’s crime, but preferred that he “shot the correct people,” such as minority drug dealers rather than churchgoers.

“It’s a racial war against our people,” Jones said. “The more the media pushes modern and progressive ideas down our throat, the more you’re going to see killings like this.”

Although the KKK leaders remain disappointed with the results of the recruiting drive up to now, they plan to redouble their efforts in the weeks to come.

“We don’t give up our archaic, savage, and inhuman beliefs very easily,” said Jones, as he removed a tick from his scrotum. “We think that maybe our target demographic is too heavily involved in Tea Party politics at this time to spend time with us burning down black churches and intimidating people who didn’t just walk out of the Middle Ages. But we ain’t gonna let that discourage us. The South will rise again and so will the Klan, just like a painful pus-filled boil on the ass of America!”

 

War On Christianity Heats Up

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Dylan-Storm-Roof

CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – The tragic attack on a black church in Charleston has captured the nation’s attention as many of our nation’s politicians, media figures, and other idiots try to make some sense of the event.

It was initially reported that Dylan Roof acted out of some weak-minded belief that black folks were inferior and although greatly outnumbered by whites were still somehow taking over the fucking country and raping our fine, pristine, virginal white women.

This crazy conclusion was supposedly backed up by Roof’s “manifesto,” his Facebook page, and comments that he made while perpetrating the vile act.

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Any idiot who studies the facts can tell that Christianity is threatened in the United States. Roof represents the tip of the spear of an all-out attack on religion that threatens the very foundations of our great country.

Thankfully the brain trust at Fox News, with help from some of our political intellectual elites has proved this theory wrong by means of ironclad logic and an ability to see through the liberal media’s interpretation and get at the truth.

It turns out Roof’s real motivation was to destroy Christianity once and for all while it’s on its knees after the successful attempts by liberals, gays, Muslims, secular Jews, and other “unsaved trash” to ban all public displays of Christianity, like those we used to be familiar with around Christmas and Easter.

As we all know Christianity is under attack in this country, and it’s only a matter of time before the mere mention of Jesus will get you a ten-year prison sentence.

Roof appears to have been an early convert to this anti-Jesus movement and in an inspired move sought to mask his real intent by wearing the flags of bigotry and encouraging a “race war.”

“It’s rare we run across a kid with this level of sophistication,” said presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Roof represents the vanguard of the anti-Christian movement that will cause an asteroid strike on the United States. Mark my words!”

Fox News couch tumors Steve Doofus and Brian Killmeplease were quick to agree with Huckabee and others who make no fucking sense whatsoever like Rick Sanitarium.

“The race thing is just a red herring,” said Doofus, as he stared dully into the monitor during Fox and Friends, a show so repugnant that even the uneducated miscreants that watch it on a regular basis are continually amazed.

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Without the fine investigative work done by the Fox News team, no one would have ever known about the mass killings of Christians going on all over the Bible Belt.

“This is clearly a case of Christianity under attack. After all, it did happen in a church.”

Although Doofus and right-wing politicians were able to get to the heart of the matter and uncover the real reasons for the attack, they offered little in the way of solutions to the problem.

“Christianity has been so oppressed in recent years that I really see no hope for any kind of rebound,” said Sanitarium. “There are so few of us left that we have very little influence. I’m afraid that we are doomed to live in a secular country that follows the dictates of Satan by providing health care to the poor, legalizes gay marriage, raises taxes on the ultra rich, and offers equal rights to people who are not white. Jesus would be beside himself! I think our only hope is to hold out until he returns and obliterates mankind in an orgy of bloodletting.”

Huckabee in his wisdom did offer some hope to reduce the number of mass killings in the United States. He is organizing a group to push for a bill banning the name Dylann, Dylan, or any other variation of the name for newborn males, because he said the name was obviously cursed by God and any kid given that particular handle was bound to grow up into a “crazy-ass” mass murderer.

Al Jazeera’s Fall Lineup Sure To Be A Big Hit With Arabs Who Are Still Allowed To Watch TV

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DOHA, QATAR – (CT&P) – Corporate executives from Al Jazeera announced their fall lineup of reality shows last week at a press conference overseen by a squad of imams and other experts on the fucked up system of archaic rules and regulations known as sharia law.

The lineup includes some innovative and progressive shows that make a bold departure from the usual programming of beheadings, immolations, and riots protesting the existence of Israel and the “Great Satan.”

“We think that our fall lineup will be a big hit with Arabs who live in areas that are not seething masses of perpetual  religious hatred,” said Ahib Skyhook, vice president of content for the network.

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Al Jazeera hopes to pump up its ratings by offering something new rather than the continuous rounds of torture and executions. “That’s so last year,” said Skyhook.

“In those countries that have not been decimated by civil war and sectarian violence, the shows will be a welcome respite from the constant feeling of impending doom caused by our adherence to a religion that makes about as much sense as Mormonism or Scientology.

“We look forward to excellent ratings in those territories where people are actually allowed to view television broadcast without fear of being stoned to death.”

Skyhook didn’t reveal the entire lineup, because he said that Muslims love surprises almost as much as they love car bombs. However, he did give us a glimpse of what to expect:

Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip-Follow the fun as Palestinian housewives try desperately to find enough food and water to sustain their families while dodging Israeli cluster munitions and horny Hamas soldiers bent on having good time.

Sex Slaves Gone Wild-Airhead female recruits from Europe give ISIS militants a taste of western culture.

Fully Clothed and Terrified-Each week a man and woman are dropped off in no man’s land along the Syrian border with Iraq and are asked to survive for three days while avoiding bloodthirsty militias, deadly scorpions, and Allied air attacks.

Stupid Kurd Tricks-Mayhem ensues when wild and crazy Kurds balance on speeding SUV’s and do somersaults on angry camels.

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Goat Dynasty will offer an intimate look inside the lives of ignorant Arab rednecks as they have sex with animals and preach the gospel of Muhammad.

Dead Sea Shore–Brain dead young people from the deep desert raise hell in expensive beach resorts.

Dancing with Death-Celebrity contestants perform live dance routines in minefields along the Golan Heights.

Pimp My Burqa-A spin-off of the wildly popular Pimp My Camel. Oppressed women get to spruce up their heavy black garments with sequins and extra-large eye holes.

The Good Harem–A bevy of gorgeous concubines deal with a life full of existential threats.

 19 Wives and Counting-A henpecked oil sheik tries to keep the peace in a 200 room palace.

Goat Dynasty–Illiterate shepherds try to sell milk and cheese on the street why extolling the virtues of jihad.

Syria’s Got Talent-Contestants compete in a variety of tasks including bomb-making, sniping, and sewing stylish suicide vests.

Deadliest Snatch-Militiamen take their chances with hookers in Tikrit who have been infected by the CIA.

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Pimp my Burqa is a spin-off of the popular Jordanian show Pimp My Camel.

So You Think You’re a Killer–Raw ISIS recruits prove their value by using bayonets on infants and gay people.

Survivor Mosul–Surrounded and out of supplies, terrorists must live by their wits as Iranian militiamen close in.

The Jihadi Bachelorette–A beautiful and bloodthirsty bitch chooses from a group of lice ridden Neanderthal throwbacks who haven’t washed in weeks.

The Apprentice Bomb Maker–A beginner tries to retain his hands while working with sweating sticks of TNT.

The Amazing Race For Your Fucking Life–Syrian refugees battle heat, dehydration, and Allied drones while trying to escape to Turkey.

Bad Concubine’s Club-Misbehaving mistresses wreak havoc all over the desert.

These are just some of the exciting shows that Al Jazeera has on tap for the fall.

Skyhook told CNN that the network feels confident about their success, so long as no one sets off a nuke during Ramadan and ruins the fun for everyone.

Ann Coulter Vows To Feed At Least Twice In July

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anncoulter_1

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – During an appearance on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher last night, conservative writer and ambulatory corpse Ann Coulter announced that on the advice of her physicians she would be consuming at least two meals during the month of July.

The announcement by Ms Coulter signals a radical departure from her normal diet, which consists of one feeding per month at most.

“My doctors told me that if I wanted to live and continue to spew the vile hatred that so many people on the right-wing have come to adore, I needed to up my calorie intake to at least that of a small child,” said Coulter.

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Ms Coulter appeared on Maher’s show to promote her new book, Why I Hate Poor People, and to show off photos from her upcoming spread in Playboy.

Ms Coulter’s long-time team of physicians, doctors Faustus, Mengele and Kevorkian from the international organization Doctors Without Morals, recommended the change during her check-up in early June.

“Eating is problematic for Ms Coulter for a variety of reasons,” said Dr. Anton Phibes, spokesman for the group.

“Ms Coulter must first envelope and suffocate her prey before she regurgitates a corrosive compound on the victim. Then she has to wait for up to 24 hours before the tissue breaks down and softens up enough for her to swallow the unrecognizable mass of protein. It’s a long process and she would much rather be spending her time making vicious attacks on the children of immigrants or poor people who don’t have health insurance.

“In the past Ms Coulter has come dangerously close to turning into some kind of mummified pupae of hatred. However, she’s assured us that she will make the recommended changes to her diet so she can continue to be the inhuman monster that so many conservatives worship.

Ms Coulter also told Maher that she was advised by her physicians that she should try to get laid every once in while because they felt it might help her improve her attitude and reduce the level of toxic bile residing in her dark soul.

 

F-35 Lands Without Bursting Into Flames

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f35-main

HURLBURT FIELD – (CT&P) – Officials from Eglin Air Force Base announced today that an F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter landed successfully yesterday without loss of life or destruction of the aircraft.

The F-35 had been participating in a joint operation with the Walton and Bay County sheriff’s departments called “Operation Buzzkill,” a program that provides constant patrols of area beaches to insure that visitors do not have too good a time during their visit to the Gulf Coast.

Rose pigs on Pacific ocean Guatemala beach near Monterico.

Bay County sheriff’s deputies constantly patrol the “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches” to make damn sure no one has too much fun

“Operation Buzzkill is a forward-looking program that is designed to crush the joy out any young people who think they can come down here and ruin our pristine beaches by smoking a joint, drinking a beer, or God forbid having premarital sex,” said Sheriff Frank “Lard Ass” McKetchup of Bay County.

“We conduct round the clock foot patrols with our few deputies that are not morbidly obese, and the rest of them cruise the strip looking for suspicious activities such as smiling or clowning around. The military takes up the slack with Blackhawk helicopters and jet aircraft armed with miniguns and Hellfire missiles so we can stop trouble before it starts.”

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Beach arrests have plummeted since Operation Buzzkill went into effect mainly because everyone is too fucking scared to go out on the beach

“Buzzkill” has been hailed as a great success by both sheriff’s departments and beach arrests are at an all time low, possibly because everyone is now too terrified to walk outside.

USAF General Buck Turgidson explained that the F-35 in question was one of the first to be used in the program because it is one of the first to be able to fly more than a short distance without malfunctioning and plunging into the sea.

“The original patrol was scheduled for a full hour, but we had to cut the mission short because it was getting warm outside and as we all know F-35’s spontaneously combust when they get too hot,” said the general.

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General Turgidson told reporters that the successful landing was a watershed moment and marked the first time a F-35 mission was completed without massive loss of life.

“Besides, thunderstorms were forecast on the afternoon in question and electrical activity can cause the computer systems on board the plane to go haywire. When this happens pilots don’t have any idea where the fuck they’re going so they just have to punch out and hope the plane crashes into some inanimate object. So we thought it would be best to abort the mission and try to recover the aircraft and the pilot intact.

“I think the main thing to remember here is that we’ve finally managed to land one of these flying washing machines without losing the pilot or demolishing any nearby apartment buildings. I call this a win-win for the air force and the sheriff’s department!”

 

 

 

God Irate Over Recent Prayer Barrage

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GOD!!

VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – A visibly irritated God paused briefly outside the Vatican this morning after his weekly wine-tasting Friday brunch with Pope Francis in order to address reporters regarding the brutal murders which took place in Charleston, South Carolina on Wednesday.

The Judeo-Christian deity told the journalists that he was “sick and tired” of being deluged by a bunch of prayers from all over the planet for the shooting victims and their families.

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Already irritated by being second-guessed on his decision to senselessly slaughter a group of his followers in a place of worship, God lost his temper during the press conference and turned a Fox News reporter into a pillar of salt.

“I can’t swing a cat without hitting at least three dozen prayers for those folks,” said God. “If you idiots think I made a wrong decision in letting them get slaughtered in the first place, then I suggest you find another god to worship. I hear Allah is taking new converts. Why don’t you give his ass a call instead?”

Jehovah continued, “If there’s one thing I hate it’s being second-guessed by a bunch of primates in sagging skin suits. I don’t know why I created you talking monkeys in the first place. You’re nothing but trouble with your hypocritical groveling and Sunday morning prayer sessions. You can’t go thirty minutes without committing some kind of fucking atrocity or abomination. It’s disgusting!”

After the Prime Mover was finished venting a Fox News reporter asked if there would be any divine retribution for the “blatant and vicious attack on Christianity” precipitated by President Obama’s embrace of socialism, multiculturalism and his desire to destroy America by providing health care to the poor.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” replied Yahweh.

When the reporter persisted and asked God how the attack was connected to the Benghazi coverup the All Powerful Godhead turned him into a pillar of salt and promptly departed for the Pearly Gates.

 

Wealthy Primate Escapes Central Park Zoo; Claims He’s Running For President

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donaldtrump

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – An oversized ape escaped Central Park Zoo on Tuesday and lumbered up Fifth Avenue to Trump Tower where he announced to a crowd of well-wishing Homo sapiens that he would be throwing his hair in the ring for the Republican nomination for president. He told the fawning humans that if “all of those other ignorant beasts” could run then he could too, and he was rich enough to make it happen.

The ape, nicknamed “Donnie” by his caretakers at the zoo, promised the crowd that he would stop the flow of “subhuman Mexicans” crossing the border by building a huge wall around the United States that would keep out anyone who was not rich and white.

He also stated that he would be the “greatest jobs simian that God has ever created” and had a secret plan to defeat ISIS about which he was extremely cryptic except for a bizarre reference to a new chain of casinos and hotels located around the Persian Gulf.

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After “Donnie’s” announcement he went outside and climbed to the top of Trump Tower and fought off biplanes sent by the Mexican Air Force to kill the bigoted and offensive beast.

“Donnie” then went on an incoherent diatribe which made very little sense to any of the paid witnesses to the event, but was praised as one of the “great orations of our time” by the functional illiterates on Fox News and on many right-wing hate radio stations across the country.

Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who became visibly aroused when he heard about the announcement, invited “Donnie” on his show last night and fawned over the candidate for a full hour, asking him softball questions and rewarding him with bananas and other fruits when “Donnie” answered with the correct right-wing gibberish.

Hannity later told aides that he had not been this excited about a guest since he almost had his first man-on-man sexual experience with Cliven Bundy a few months ago.

Most pundits give “Donnie” a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the nomination because he is after all a “damn dirty ape.” However, a few brave souls say it is possible because the GOP field is made up of such a strange assortment of species that it might be inevitable that a subhuman wins.

 

 

 

 

Taliban Accuses ISIS Of Recruiting Violations

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Lawrence+Damascus

KABUL – (CT&P) – On Tuesday Afghan Taliban A&M warned ISIS recruiters to stay out of Afghanistan in a rare open letter to the NCAA and Islamic State University Athletic Department officials. The letter accused Islamic State of a variety of recruiting violations that included cash bribes, promises of gifts such as up-armored Cadillac Esplanades, rocket-propelled grenades, and guarantees of sex with dozens of young virgins if Afghan athletes would sign athletic scholarships with Islamic State University.

The Islamic Emirate — the Taliban’s name for Afghanistan — only allows the struggle “against foreign invaders to be under the leadership of Taliban A&M,” read the letter signed by the group’s athletic director and coordinator of infidel beheadings, Akhtar Mohammad Mansour. The letter was shared with NBC News and posted on the college’s Facebook page.

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Among other violations, ISIS recruiters are suspected of blowing up a Taliban University team train carrying players to an ethnic cleansing event at Helmand College in the Southwestern Conference.

“Jihadi groups across the Muslim world are all competing for the vast pool of dirt poor, uneducated, goat fucking raw recruits to bolster our offensive lines and backfields. We all need swift and strong running backs who can strap on suicide vests and punch holes in the infidel defense so our masses of dim-witted religious freaks can pour through and get down to some serious atrocities and abominations perpetrated on helpless women and children.

“Every university has their own sphere of influence and geographical area where they recruit. They each have their own organizational structure,” continued the letter, which was addressed to Islamic State Presidant Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi. “If your meddling in their affairs creates division, it will cause in bloodshed within these organizations.”

The lengthy statement was issued amid reports of deepening divisions within the Afghan Taliban Conference, with some university presidents supporting peace talks with Islamic State and others vowing to continue fighting until a clear regional champion was crowned.

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Islamic State Head Coach T. E. Lawrence points out weaknesses in the Taliban defensive line during a match played in the Tribal Regions in 2013.

In January, ISIS’ media arm declared Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan to be one region called the Khorasan Conference, prompting some athletes to pledge allegiance to the group.

According to the government of the eastern Nangahar Conference, around 100 families have been displaced by fighting among university recruiters in the last three weeks. About 150 running backs and wide receivers have been killed during that time, a spokesman for the NCAA told NBC News.

At this time the controversy shows no signs of letting up, and NCAA President Mark Emmert told NBC that “Until we come up with some sort of agreement with all the universities in the region regarding recruiting rules and regulations there is just no way to stop the bloodshed between universities. It’s going to be next to impossible to unite all these bloodthirsty religious assholes into a single, unified mass of seething hatred unless we get all this ironed out and come up with some sort of playoff system.”