Tag Archives: politics

Koch Brothers To Acquire Nuclear Weapons

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atomicbomb

WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside Koch Industries World Domination Headquarters in Wichita, Kansas, a spokesman for the Koch brothers told reporters that a dedicated team has been assembled to purchase nuclear weapons from former Soviet satellite states. Another team has been tasked to begin research and development of a modern version of the old Cold War neutron bombs made so popular by former President Ronald Reagan.

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Koch operatives are currently scouring old Eastern Bloc countries and making contact with Russian mafia leaders in order to acquire as many “suitcase nukes” as possible.

Dr. Raymond Turd, head of the company’s weapons division, said that around three dozen operatives were now scouring the old Soviet Union and Eastern Bloc countries for briefcase bombs and other “battlefield nukes,” such as atomic artillery shells, nuclear-capable short-range surface to surface missiles, and nuclear depth charges.

When asked why the Kochs felt the need to acquire nukes, Dr. Turd explained that the brothers were sick and tired of dealing with people who did not agree with their policies and their plans to turn America into a giant oligarchy with Koch Industries as its leader.

“The brothers are getting up there in age,” said Dr. Turd, “and they are fed up with pumping billions of dollars into a political system that still relies on the old-fashioned ideas of democracy and rule of law. The fact that poor people are allowed to vote has always griped their asses. So they have decided to cut to the chase and simply wipe out the opposition with nuclear bombs, starting with urban areas and the capitals of blue states.”

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Dr. Turd replaced Dr. Jonathon Rediman as head of the weapons division of Koch. Rediman’s failed attempt to bring back a xenomorph from LV-426 got him fired, and he is currently in a Koch Industries mental ward where all he does is repeat “You are a beautiful, beautiful butterfly” all day long.

“We’re really excited by the idea of a new suite of neutron bombs,” continued Turd. “That way, we can kill all human and animal life in liberal areas of the country and colonize the undamaged cities with young right-wing wacko couples who have signed agreements to breed like hell. It’s truly and inspired plan.”

Apparently the plan has been on the drawing board at Koch Industries for quite some time, but was never taken too seriously until Hillary announced she was running on the Democrat ticket. With the 2016 presidential election looming, Koch’s “Committee of Public Safety,” led by one of the Koch’s distant cousins known only as “Robespierre,” initiated “Operation Dropkick,” as the plan is called within the Empire.

“None of us really thought they would go through with it because of the labor shortage and clean up costs associated with  killing all those people, but when the brothers saw the lineup of Republican clowns running for president, they just threw up their hands and said ‘fuck it,'” said Dr. Turd.

 

Scientists Confirm Limbaugh Slowly Morphing Into Giant Cane Toad

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MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Researchers at the Banzai Institute have confirmed that conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh is slowly changing into a gigantic cane toad, or Rhinella marina.

“There’s no doubt about it,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, leader of the research team, “we analyzed tissue samples from Mr. Limbaugh, and he is definitely undergoing a metamorphosis into a colossal toad.”

Cane toads are giant neotropical toads native to Central and South America, but have been introduced into other parts of the world and are considered one of the most destructive invasive species on earth. Australia in particular has an immense cane toad problem.

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Rumors began circulating about Limbaugh’s health after he ordered a platter of live field mice in a five-star Miami restaurant just before Christmas.

“You can’t imagine how evil these little blokes are,” said Dr. Bruce Bruce from Humpybong University in Queensland. “They’re full of venom that kills just about anything that eats them, and they reproduce like rabbits. Hell, even the crocs know better than to fuck with them. They’re taking over the entire country!”

Professor Hikita told CNN that it makes perfect sense that Limbaugh is starting to resemble a cane toad, because he’s been spewing a very similar venom on the radio for so long.

“Limbaugh has shown that he has an almost endless supply of malevolent venom at his disposal, and it’s almost identical to the milky white bufotoxin secreted by glands on the cane toad,” said Hikita. “We think that Limbaugh has similar glands that collect the toxin from the thick layer of adipose tissue that covers every square inch of Limbaugh’s elephantine body. Then, when he gets in front of a microphone, all that venom is spewed out like a toxic geyser.”

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Limbaugh continues to insist that nothing is wrong with him but those who have seen him lately report that the metamorphosis is quite advanced.

Hikita said that Limbaugh had been warned of his condition on several occasions by his physician that “things weren’t quite right”, and to go through life without an ounce of sympathy for his fellow man was a recipe for disaster, but Limbaugh has steadfastly maintained that nothing is wrong with him.

“It’s not unusual for pompous assholes to have that attitude,” said Hikita. “Just look at Bill O’Reilly. He’s been a horse’s ass so long he’s actually beginning to look like one on television. It’s sad.”

Hikita offered no real solutions for Limbaugh’s dilemma other than euthanasia, which is unlikely. But he warned the citizens of South Florida that a 350 lb cane toad could do serious environmental damage if allowed to escape and wander around the area.

“If you happen to hear him on the radio, the best thing to do is turn the damn thing off before you yourself become infected,” said the professor. “It’s a fate worse than death.”

 

 

Aviation Update: Fucking F-35 Can’t Fucking Run On Fucking Warm Fuel

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – According to sources within the Pentagon, it has been discovered that the vaunted F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to use fuel from standard green colored USAF fuel trucks if they have been sitting in the sun for any period of time, because the fuel is too warm. Considering that these jets will most likely find themselves operating in the desert or in somewhere in the scorching Pacific, this is a big problem.

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Pentagon officials hope that someday the F-35 will be able to fire its cannon and fly right-side-up.

The F-35 fuel temperature problem is only the latest in a long line of “teething issues” to befall the trillion-dollar machine.

The fighter has had a litany of roll-out problems such as its inability to fire its cannon until sometime in 2018, a tendency for the aircraft to fly upside down, and a propensity for the computer system to completely shutdown at any time for no apparent reason. Some pilots have also reported that communication systems aboard the aircraft automatically tune into easy listening radio stations when the craft is flown near large cities.

Pentagon officials are currently scrambling to come up with a fix for the fuel issue, but in the meantime maintenance crews at various air force bases are being forced to take matters into their own hands.

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Ground crews usually draw lots to see who is going to connect the hose to F-35’s because of the plane’s tendency to explode while being fueled.

“We painted the refuelers white to reduce the temperature of fuel being delivered to the F-35 Lightning II joint strike fighter,” said Senior Airman Jacob Hartman, 56th LRS fuels distribution operator at Luke AFB in Glendale, Arizona. “The F-35 has a fuel temperature threshold and may not function properly if the fuel temperature is too high, so after collaborating with other bases and receiving waiver approval from AETC, we painted the tanks white.”

“It’s a real pain in the butt and unnerving as well,” continued Hartman. “In the unlikely event that any of these flying garbage bins makes it to front-line duty someday, who the hell wants to be driving around in a giant bomb painted bright white? We might as well paint a fucking bull’s eye on the trucks.”

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General Turgidson told CNN that regardless of whether the F-35’s ever gets off the ground, he thinks they are cool as shit and worth every penny.

Pentagon experts are wary of trying to correct the problem on the aircraft itself, because every time someone fiddles with any of the plane’s systems, something else goes to shit. So different ways of keeping the fuel cool are being bandied about.

When interviewed by CNN, air force General Buck Turgidson, who is in charge of the F-35 program, said that “Right now we’re considering converting a fleet of ice cream trucks into tankers that could service the plane. But in the long run, we think we can convince Congress to build about 2500 giant refrigerated warehouses in ‘hot spots’ all around the globe and park the refueling trucks inside those. It would cost millions of dollars, but hell, those suckers give us every cent we ask for anyway.”

 

 

Michele Bachmann To Be Launched Into Outer Space

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MicheleBachmannBlack

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Former U.S. House Representative Michele Bachmann will be launched into outer space in early June, according to anonymous sources within John Boehner’s office and officials from Space Exploration Technologies Company, the private corporation founded by billionaire Elon Musk. The ex-congresswoman from Minnesota will depart planet earth aboard a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket specifically tasked with placing Bachmann in a stable orbit around earth until sometime after the 2016 presidential election.

“The plan is to jettison Bachmann as soon as the Dragon spacecraft achieves near-earth orbit,” said Gwynne Shotwell, president and CEO of SpaceX. “She’ll stay there, in a stable orbit, for approximately 18 months, tethered to a supply capsule with enough oxygen and Tang to sustain basic bodily functions and a bare minimum of brain activity. She should be able to function in about the same manner as she does here on earth.”

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Bachmann will be supplied with enough oxygen and nutrients to barely survive the long and lonely assignment. Her regular prescription of anti-psychotic drugs will be dissolved in her drinking water.

When asked what Bachmann will be doing all that time, Shotwell said, “Not much. She’ll just spin around and around in empty space like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. We’re going equip her with communications equipment to report any anomalies she might encounter, but the whole idea of putting her up there is to make her shut her fucking mouth, so I doubt if anyone will be listening anyway.”

The idea of launching Bachmann into space originated in Speaker of the House John Boehner’s office. An aide to the speaker told CNN that Boehner and the Republican leadership had heard enough of her “kooky shit” to last a lifetime, and didn’t want “that crazy bitch” to screw up the GOP’s chances in the upcoming election.

Things apparently came to a head last week after Bachmann appeared on something called End Times Radio claiming President Obama was bringing about the end of the world by negotiating a nuclear treaty with Iran. She also raved on and on about “God’s time clock,” whatever the hell that is supposed to be.

As if she had not already appeared absolutely unhinged, Bachmann then claimed that Muslims have lusted after an atomic bomb for hundreds of years, apparently unaware that the damn things were invented during World War II.

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Bachmann will return to earth after the election via SpaceX’s floating platform that has proved so reliable in the past.

“The woman is clearly bat-shit crazy and there’s no telling what kind of black eye she could give our candidate in the upcoming election,” said the aide to Boehner. “We’re already having a hard enough time with Cruz, Huckabee, and Carson making it look like the whole party belongs on a mental ward. This election is just too damn important to screw up, so we decided to launch the bitch into space. We debated whether we could just drown her and claim she was a witch, but we decided that would be unethical even by our standards, so we settled on the space thing.”

Mrs Bachmann has been told that she will be performing a critical task for her country by circling the globe watching out for near-earth asteroids and other threats to the globe. She told Sean Hannity of Fox News that she could not be more delighted with the mission.

“Sean, I’m thrilled to be of service to my country and to Christians everywhere,” said Bachmann. “It’s a real honor that I will be the first human being to see the giant rock that Jesus is going throw at us to kick off the End Time festivities. I just can’t wait until the entire planet is consumed by war, famine and pestilence, and adults and children all over the world are immolated in the raging flames of God’s holy love. I think it’s great!”

Although SpaceX has no immediate plans for placing anyone else into orbit around the earth, Musk has voiced a desire to colonize LV-426, a planetoid 37 light years away in the binary star system Zeta Reticulli. Idiot politicians and pundits on both sides of the aisle are high on his list of potential expedition members.

 

 

 

You Can’t Get Rid Of The Babadook

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Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

If it’s in a word, or if it’s in a book
you can’t get rid of the Babadook.
His skin is white, his soul is black,
he wants to put you in a sack.
A rumble-rumble then dook-dook-dook!
You can’t get rid of the Babadook…
 …
He lies and cheats, invades Iraq
he talks of peace but then attacks
Hate and war is what he likes,
so he can torture with his spikes,
ba-ba-ba-dook-dook-dook
You can’t get rid of the Babadook…
 …
He’s lurking there behind the curtain,
pulling strings for Halliburton
There he is, old and gaunt,
cash and oil is what he wants
A rumble-rumble then dook-dook-dook
You can’t get rid of the Babadook…
…
His heart will stop, you’ll think he’s dead,
but up will rear his ugly head
Hate he’ll spew and war he’ll make
you better run for goodness sake
ba-ba-ba-dook-dook-dook
You can’t get rid of the Babadook…
…
So close your eyes and count to ten,
and pray to God you don’t wake again,
‘Cause if it’s in a word or in a book,
You can’t get rid of the Babadook.

 

Rubio Announces To Auditorium That He Is Running For President

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auditorium

MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Yesterday Florida Senator Marco Rubio told an thrilled auditorium in Miami that he had decided to run for president in 2016. Marco kicked off his campaign by making a three-hour long speech to the auditorium in which he outlined his many original ideas for governing and all the progressive policies he would support as president.

Senator Rubio of Florida speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference at National Harbor, Marylan

Rubio said that although he was not a scientist, he was pretty sure that yesterday was in the past and tomorrow is in the future.

“I have heard some suggest that I should step aside and wait my turn, but I cannot,” Rubio said to the auditorium. “Because I believe our very identity as an exceptional nation is at stake, and I can make a difference as president, if anyone ever notices that I am running.”

Early in his speech, which echoed off the walls and around the empty room, making it difficult for the auditorium to understand, Rubio took a swing at Hillary Clinton, who had announced her candidacy on Sunday.

“Just yesterday, a leader from yesterday began a campaign for president by promising to take us back to yesterday,” Rubio told the rows of empty seats. “But yesterday is over, and we are never going back to yesterday. Yesterday, all our troubles seemed so far away, now it seems as if they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday!”

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The auditorium was so moved by the strength of Rubio’s oratory that if anyone had been there they could have heard a pin drop.

The auditorium appeared confused by Rubio’s nonsensical comments but quickly received clarification from the master orator.

“We can’t move on to tomorrow by going back to the leaders and ideas of last night. We must change the decisions we are making today by changing the people who made them last week.” Rubio added. “That is why today, grounded by the lessons of Saturday afternoon, and inspired by the promise of the day after tomorrow, I announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America, beginning a week from Wednesday.”

The auditorium, intoxicated by Rubio’s flowery rhetoric and exhilarated to be the first in a long line of empty rooms to hear Rubio speak, erupted in a crescendo of silence that can only be compared to a white person’s funeral.

Rubio plans to take his Calhounesque oratory skills on the road in order to garner support from a variety of inanimate objects. He is currently scheduled to speak to a series of abandoned buildings, deserted fields and fetid swamps over the next few weeks.

Cotton Denies Replicant Rumors, Agrees To Further Testing

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LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – A statement released today from Senator Tom Cotton’s (R-AR) office in Little Rock vehemently denied that the senator is a Nexus series replicant or any other type of biorobotic android. The statement also denied that Senator Cotton was brain-damaged from his time in the service or suffered from any debilitating neurological disorder, and claimed that he was perfectly willing to undergo further testing to prove he was nothing but your average Arkansas cattle farmer.

Rumors have swirled around the junior senator from Arkansas from nearly the beginning of his political career because of his apparent inability to engage in critical thought. That, combined with an insatiable bloodlust for humans of Arab or Persian descent, has led many to believe that he is some sort of android manufactured in a lab.

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Artist’s rendering of Senator Cotton as he appears to most of our European allies.

It has even been posited by some conspiracy kooks that he may be the Antichrist, which they say is the only thing that could explain such a mediocre intellect’s meteoric rise to power within the U.S. Government.

The rumors and speculation had died down in recent weeks as his fellow Republicans took pains to water down his insane ideas and wild speculations. However, during a Thursday afternoon press conference all that changed. While outlining his plan to nuke every capital in the Middle East as well as Tehran as a warning to Muslims that “they better not fuck with us,” Cotton had an exchange with a reporter from the Washington Post that has reignited speculation that he may be some sort of malfunctioning robot.

WP reporter James Grimaldi, who has long suspected Cotton of being an android, asked Cotton a series of hypothetical questions designed to provoke an emotional response. Grimaldi conducted the impromptu Voight-Kampff test in order to prove once and for all that Cotton was indeed a “skin-job.”

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Rachel, Senator Cotton’s mistress, flatly denies that he is robot. “Once you get past all the bad ideas and bloodlust, he’s really a lovable guy,” she said.

Here is the text of the exchange between Grimaldi and Cotton:

Grimaldi: You’re in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down…

Senator Cotton: What one?

Grimaldi: What?

Senator Cotton: What desert?

Grimaldi: It doesn’t make any difference what desert Tom, it’s completely hypothetical.

Senator Cotton: But, how come I’d be there?

Grimaldi: Maybe you’re fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Maybe you want to kill some Muslims. Who knows? You look down and see a tortoise, Tom. It’s crawling toward you…

Senator Cotton: Tortoise? What’s a tortoise?

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Senator Cotton’s longtime aide Leon told reporters that “all this replicant talk” is part of a liberal smear campaign designed to undermine the senator’s reputation as an intellectual and “deep thinker.”

Grimaldi: You know what a turtle is?

Senator Cotton: Of course!

Grimaldi: Same thing.

Senator Cotton: I’ve never seen a turtle… But I understand what you mean.

Grimaldi: You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tom. The tortoise lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t. Not without your help Tom, but you’re not helping.

Senator Cotton: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I’M NOT HELPING?

Grimaldi: I mean: you’re not helping! Why is that, Tom?

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Even some of his fellow Republicans have questioned Cotton’s plans for the Middle East and Iran.

At that point the senator began to tremble and sweat profusely. He then began opening and closing his mouth like a bass lying in the bottom of a boat. Aides to the senator quickly stopped the presser and escorted a visibly shaken Cotton off the stage and into a backroom.

Grimaldi later told fellow journalists that had he been allowed to continue the test, he was certain that he could have elicited a violent response, or perhaps even a complete shutdown of the senator’s systems.

“I’m more convinced than ever that Senator Cotton is some sort of robot,” said Grimaldi. “He’s not a Nexus 6 or anything, because he’s not that advanced, but I think he could be one of the early prototypes for the Nexus 4 or 5. I have an appointment over at the Tyrell Corporation and I hope to get to the bottom of all this shit sometime late next week. We really need to get a handle on this because last time one of these skin-jobs got loose she damn near became vice president. We just can’t allow these walking piles of junk to have any influence on foreign policy. The results could be disastrous.”

 

Hillary Hires Brick Top As Campaign Manager

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bricktop66

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – The Times-Picayune has learned from sources close to the Clinton Campaign that Mrs. Clinton has appointed underworld figure and part-time diplomat Brick Top to run her 2016 presidential campaign. Brick Top is scheduled to arrive in New York from London sometime over the weekend for initial planning with Clinton’s campaign team.

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Brick Top is admired throughout the British Isles for his “no-nonsense” approach to problem-solving

“We’ve already drawn up a list of potential targets for Brick Top and his men,” said an aide to Clinton, on condition of anonymity. “We understand that he’s bringing about a dozen East End thugs over with him. Those guys really know how to get things done!”

Brick Top met briefly with reporters at Heathrow Airport before boarding his flight to the United States.

“I’m looking forward to working with Mrs. Clinton on her presidential campaign,” he said. “I’ve long been an admirer of the Clinton’s tactics, particularly their ability to make political opponents simply disappear or commit suicide. It reminds me of the good old days when I was running my hog farm outside London. Dead men don’t tell tales, is what I always say!”

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No one is quite sure of the exact number, but investigators estimate that over 200 of Brick Top’s business associates have been digested by his ungulates

When asked if he was concerned about Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders siphoning off votes from Mrs. Clinton, Brick Top replied, “Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me. I plan on having a little “sit down” with Mrs Warren and Mr. Sanders. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about them.”

“But they have already said that,” began a reporter for the Daily Mail, but Brick Top cut him off, saying, ” Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”

“I’m sorry sir,” said the trembling journalist.

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Aides say that Mrs. Clinton made the decision to hire Brick Top because she “no longer had time to deal with a bunch of fucking idiots.”

“Now, as I was saying, as for that group of unhinged lunatics running on the Republican side, well, I’ve got a nasty little surprise I’m going to plant underneath their clown car. Anyone who thinks Iran is problem has not met me,” he chuckled.

When a reporter for the Daily Mirror asked Brick Top if he thought he could make the adjustment to American politics, he ended the press conference by saying, ” You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Then he turned, boarded his flight, and took off for the States.

When we asked the anonymous source just how much Clinton planned on paying Brick Top for his services, the source replied, “Whatever the fuck he wants.”

 

Satan To Kickoff Tour Of Southeast With Visit To SeaWorld

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THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.

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Satan decided to open his tour at SeaWorld because it represents so much that he adores about human beings.

“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?'”

According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.

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Journalists dread Satanic news conferences because they are obliged to tread water the entire time Balthazar is speaking

The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.

 

Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending  a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.

 

Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.

Roy Moore, former chief justice of Alabama supreme court

Mephistopheles will wind up his tour of the Southeast with a visit to his good friend and follower Judge Roy Moore of Alabama. “He is one of His Majesty’s favorites,” said Balthazar. “No one can twist God’s word to suit his own hatred better than Roy! He really makes Christians look awful. We love him!”

 

Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.

Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.

“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”

Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.

“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.'”

O’Reilly Says Slager Video A Clever Hoax: “I Was There” He Claims

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Last night on The O’Reilly Factor, Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly claimed that the video purporting to show North Charleston police officer Michael Slager gunning down an unarmed black man was a “clever forgery” created by the “liberal media” in cooperation with the Obama White House. “I know because I was there,” said O’Reilly.

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Slager has been described by Chief Driggers as a dedicated and idealistic young cop active in several civic organizations such the KKK and the American Nazi Party. Friends say he spends his spare time playing golf, crushing black infants, and waterboarding illegal Mexican farm workers

The video in question clearly shows Slager firing eight shots at an unarmed and fleeing black man who was later identified as 50-year-old Walter Scott. The video also shows Scott going down after the final shot, Slager approaching him, cuffing his hands behind his back, and later throwing an object down next to the mortally wounded man.

“I watched the entire event from behind a nearby oak tree,” said O’Reilly, “and it just did not happen the way it is depicted in the video.”

“Officer Slager was totally in the right on this shooting. The black man was listening to rap music, ignoring the officer’s commands, and acting disrespectful. Then he turned around and charged the officer, giving Slager no option but to pop him with his nine. I think this is all an attempt by the Obama Justice Department to paint all white cops as bigoted power-mad assholes, just like the liberal media is doing to me. It’s a conspiracy of the highest order.”

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O’Reilly told viewers that Slager showed great concern for the condition of the “giant black attacker” and even checked the man’s pulse after calling his wife and asking what was for dinner.

O’Reilly’s account of the incident has been called into question because his housekeeper, cook, butler, and 16-year-old Asian sex slave all told reporters for the New York Times that O’Reilly was staring at himself in the mirror at the time of the shooting, as he does most of the time he is not on the air.

O’Reilly dismissed his employees’ accounts of his whereabouts as being part of a “liberal smear campaign” designed to discredit him. He then threatened to kill them if they said anything else.

Meanwhile, Slager has been charged with murder and the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division has launched an investigation of the shooting. Normally called in to cover up crimes committed by white officers against minority citizens, SLED is being supervised this time by the FBI and other federal agencies.

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North Charleston Mayor Keith Summey heard about the shooting while he was cooking his usual lunch of two dozen sausage patties out behind his office.

Mayor Keith Summey and Police Chief Eddie Driggers of North Charleston held a news conference to tell the public that a “full and thorough investigation would be conducted as the result of Slager’s “bad decision.”

“The first thing we need to get to the bottom of is just why it took eight shots to bring down that nigger,” said Summey. “I’m gonna work closely with the Eddie here to reexamine our firearms training program and correct that problem as soon as possible.

“Also, we need to make sure that all our officers understand that when you decide to murder a citizen in cold blood, you need to make damn sure some smart ass ain’t filming it. If there is, the correct procedure is to gun down the photographer and destroy the evidence. That’s just common sense.”

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Mayor Summey and Chief Driggers promised a full investigation as soon as their cardiac physicians told them it was OK to go back to work

Slager is currently being held without bond in North Charleston, but he is reported to be working with Fox News and several talk radio personalities to try to turn the tide of public opinion so he can get bail and repair the damage done by the “fabricated” video.

Slager backs up O’Reilly’s version of the story, calling him a “true American hero” and “the greatest broadcaster of all time.”

“Thank God for Fox News and Bill O’Reilly,” he said. “Without them, America would be in smouldering ruins and the rule of law would be a thing of the past.”