TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Governor of Cretonia and part-time Aztec snake god Rick Scott temporarily lost his mind Wednesday night during a debate with challenger Charlie Crist. Scott’s irrational and confused state apparently stemmed from an argument over a fan that Crist had placed at his feet in order to keep him cool during the proceedings.
Scott is widely believed to be a reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god
The debate was delayed for around seven minutes while organizers tried to convince Scott to take the stage and much of the audience cat-called and booed the Governor.
“Scott stomped his foot repeatedly and refused to come on stage for what seemed like an eternity,” said Patty Pollywog, one of the debate’s organizers. “Scott called the fan ‘an electric talisman,’ that could be used to coach Crist. He told us he had heard voices emanating from the fan during previous debates and said that ‘contact with the Great Beyond was strictly forbidden during political appearances.'”
“We finally convinced him to carry on after explaining to him that the fan only evened the odds. Everyone knows that Crist, being a mammal, needed to stay cool under the hot klieg lights on stage, whereas a cold-blooded reptile like Scott would naturally warm up and become more alert and active with the heat.”
Scott finally relented under pressure and the debate went on as planned.
Governor Scott told a horrified audience that the human sacrifices could be combined with appearances by popular musicians such as Kenny G in order to draw more tourists to the state
Scott seemed to be holding his own until late in the debate when he advocated offering human sacrifices to the sun in order to make sure it rose every day over Florida’s beautiful beaches. He told the audience that an almost endless supply of victims could be found within Florida’s ridiculously overcrowded prison system.
“It would be a real honor for those folks, and they would finally serve some purpose in society and be guaranteed revered status in the Underworld after what would be a particularly savage and painful death,” said Scott.
Scott explained that he was sure that there would be no shortage of law enforcement personnel willing to serve as priests and a series of giant pyramids or ziggurats could be built up and down the coast of Florida where the unfortunate prisoners could have their organs removed on a daily basis.
“Think of the tourist trade,” said Scott. “We would be flooded with visitors from all over the world, and the amount of money we would save not having to house and feed non-violent offenders would be enormous!”
Crist, a member of the Boehneris orangicus family of mammals, was crowned winner of Wednesday night’s debate by most pundits
Scott went on to explain that the savings would be used to set up a trust fund that would be used to teach remedial English, math, and science courses to probation officers and other under-educated citizens of Florida.
“It would be a win-win proposition for everyone in the state,” concluded Scott, whose scales had begun to luminesce an unearthly green.
Thankfully at that point aides dragged the glowing Scott offstage and cooled him off with a mobile refrigeration unit kept on hand for that very purpose.
Pundits have generally given Crist the victory in the debate, although some of his ideas such as providing free tanning salons to the state’s less fortunate citizens did raise some eyebrows.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 