Tag Archives: politics

Iran Annexes The Sudetenland

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Only minutes after the Iran nuclear deal was inked, elements of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard marched into the Sudetenland, apparently in an effort to annex the area as Iranian soil.

“President Obama promised us territorial gains if we promised not to make bombs,” said President Hassan Rouhani of Iran. “We figured we would start small and work our way up. We also have our eyes on Luxemburg, Poland, and possibly The Channel Islands.” He continued, “It’s really a win, win, win for everyone involved. The citizens of these new Iranian territories will receive free religious education and military training, we will gain valuable new real estate in Europe, and President Obama will get the American people off his back about that stupid website.”

Conservative pundits in the United States decried the agreement as being one of the worst ever made. At Fox News, the normally copious supply of blood pressure medication was consumed in minutes.

Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia stated “This agreement and the subsequent actions of the Revolutionary Guard are unconscionable. It just goes to show how far the Obama Administration will go to take the spotlight off the healthcare debacle.” He continued, “No one thinks that the Iranians will stop with the Sudetenland. They have mentioned other territory they covet for “living space” for their people. In fact, the CIA has discovered plans for an Iranian invasion of Ukraine after the winter snows abate. Furthermore, we have it on good authority that the Iranian diplomats were wearing explosive vests during the negotiations.”

At this point, Sarah Palin, who was visiting Senator Chambliss, chimed in: “If this keeps up, I’ll be able to see Iran from my home in Alaska!” Chambliss just rolled his eyes.

Secretary of State John Kerry downplayed Chambliss’ criticisms and those of conservative pundits. “This is an agreement that will guarantee ‘Peace with Honor.’ We won’t have to worry about the Iranian nuclear threat for a long while, or at least for a few weeks. Besides, who ever heard of the Sudetenland anyway?”

Reid Goes Nuclear, Rush Goes Insane

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Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh’s tenuous grip on reality exhibited further signs of decay last week when he went on a rant comparing Senator Reid’s use of the nuclear option to the rape of women.

Limbaugh has apparently long been obsessed with rape as evidenced by his frequent use of rape analogies during political discussions. For example, in 2009 Limbaugh stated that “people in the private sector are being raped by this (Obama’s) administration.” Also, again in 2009, Limbaugh told his listeners to “get ready to be gang-raped again folks” while discussing health care reform.

These are just two examples of many ridiculous and irrational rape analogies Limbaugh has used in the past.

After his most recent abomination, pundits descended on Limbaugh like vultures on an elephant carcass. Theories as to the cause of his affliction are numerous and varied. Some believe that his rape fixation stems from a deep-seated insecurity resulting in feelings of inadequacy, while others attribute his lack of cogency to a possible minor stroke suffered sometime in the distant past.

One interesting explanation comes from Professor George Smiley of the Foundation for the Promotion of Critical Thought in Education. Mr. Smiley stated, “We see this misuse of analogy and metaphor more and more in the United States. We think the increase may be the result of the woeful state of secondary education here in America. Reason and critical thought are simply not emphasized, if taught at all.”

“This is nothing new,” Smiley continued, “we fight a constant battle with dimwits who insist on keeping self-evident truths such as the equality of women, evolution and the Big Bang out of the curriculum on religious grounds. It’s no small wonder that insensitive and irrational rape analogies are so common, particularly when the perpetrator’s livelihood depends on pleasing these groups.”

Limbaugh has by no means limited his inaccurate analogies to rape. He has in the past compared the food stamp program to the Trail of Tears, welfare to the Holocaust, and Obamacare to the asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs.

One does have to wonder at the state of our educational system when such an unhinged mind can amass the listening audience and great wealth that is attributed to Limbaugh. “It’s depressing,” said Smiley, “but we keep fighting. As you may or may not know, the last thing to come out of Pandora’s box was hope, and it springs eternal.”

Florida Bill Makes Poverty A Felony

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As the 2014 gubernatorial race starts to heat up, a bill is working its way through the Florida legislature that would make it a felony offense to earn less than $25,000.00 per year. The bill will also place those with minority racial status on probation.

In 2011, Florida effectively disenfranchised 1.5 million citizens with a  new restrictive voting law. The law prohibits anyone ever convicted of a felony from voting in local, state or federal elections. Commenting on the situation, Governor Rick Scott stated “We really got on the right track in 2011, and this new bill should put us over the top.” When asked what he meant, Scott replied “Well, we certainly don’t want to risk uncertainty in the election process by allowing criminals to vote, and since most crime is committed by the poor and minorities, this new law just takes the next logical step. The bill will prevent undesirables from participating in the election process.”

One of the chief sponsors of the bill, Representative Billy Bob McSneed, a Republican from Panama City, stated “All these minorities, many of them illegal, are taking our jobs and threatening our way of life down here. By placing them on probation, we can better control ’em and stop all the election fraud. Hell, it’s bad enough that we let ’em drive.”

Election fraud in Florida has reached enormous proportions in Florida over the last decade, according to the Florida Republican Central Committee. McSneed supplied us with documents proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that there have been at least three dozen cases of individuals voting illegally in Florida over the last ten years.

“We live in state where 36 votes could tip the balance, McSneed said. The only logical thing to do is attack the root of the disease, not the symptoms, and the root of the disease is poor people, minorities, and poor minorities.”

When asked how many citizens of the state that this bill would disenfranchise, Governor Scott replied, “We have no idea, but the vast majority of them will be Democrats, and that’s all that matters.”

Challenges to the new bill’s constitutionality will no doubt be numerous. However, given the current glut of challenges in Florida’s courts challenging other demented laws passed by the legislature, any decision will be slow in coming and probably will occur post-election.

Reached for comment was Representative Barbara Hernandez, Democrat from Miami. She stated, “I am currently trying to decide whether to hang myself or move to a more open society. Maybe Cuba or North Korea.”