Tag Archives: politics

Ted Cruz Proposes Ban On Consensual Sex Until He Gets Some Too

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PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – “It’s just been so long since I’ve had any,” lamented Ted Cruz as he addressed a crowd of supporters at a campaign stop at Lucky Spa Massage with Happy Ending in Hershey last night.

Cruz was referring to the fact that he had not had sex with anyone but himself in many years.

“Heidi hasn’t had anything to do with my penis since we did our Christian duty and reproduced; all she wants to do is lock herself in the bathroom with that vibrator. I’m telling you, hearing the purr of a five horsepower Tecumseh engine when you’re horny as hell is pure torture!

“I’ve tried intern after intern and I can’t even get a blow job. I’m better looking than Bill Clinton aren’t I? I don’t see how he did it.

“I can’t even buy a lay. All the prostitutes I’ve tried say that I’m too dirty and smell bad, but I take a shower at least once a week like all Texans do. It’s just not fair!”

Cruz’s proposed legislation, dubbed the Abstinence Until Ted Get’s Himself Laid Act of 2016, would go into effect immediately and apply to every citizen of the United States, regardless of sexual preference.

“I don’t want to inconvenience anybody but I’m hoping this will force some bitch to step up to the plate and make a sacrifice for God and country,” said Cruz, as he gently massaged his testicles.

“I’m just sick and tired of banging all these goats, although I must admit they have lovely eyes and their horns provide excellent leverage,” said the deranged senator from Texas.

The bill calls for a complete ban on sex until Cruz enters the White House, when he can force women to have sex with him by executive order.

Congress is scheduled to take up the bill just after it votes on whether or not to launch Cruz into space along with spent fuel rods from our nation’s nuclear facilities.

 

Cruz Says Path To Nomination Still Wide Open

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PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Miscreant senator from the bowels of hell Ted Cruz was upbeat today as he campaigned in rural Pennsylvania despite the fact that he was all but eliminated from contention by Donald Trump in the New York primary last night.

The hapless Cruz came in third behind John “I’m Still Our Only Hope” Kasich in a Trump landslide victory.

Standing next to a pool of toxic waste leftover from a fracking operation near Hershey, Cruz told more than two dozen bleary eyed religious kooks that he still had a “path to victory.”

“The road may be narrow, and paved with the skulls of Republicans from all over the country, but I’m sure you agree with me that once I’m in the White House, it’ll all be worth it,” said Cruz, who then paused and looked around the audience like a monitor lizard seeking his next meal.

“Once we crush the dream of health care for the poor, equality for women and minorities, stop the wholesale persecution and murder of Christians in America, and most importantly make this country a theocracy like the founders intended, we can get on to more serious issues, like banning the sale and use of sexual aids in the United States.

“I look forward to eliminating unconstitutional entities like the Supreme Court, NASA, the National Institute for Health, the CDC, the Departments of the Interior, Education, Agriculture, Transportation, and Energy, along with any agency that threatens the mandatory worship of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

“I alone have been chosen by God to lead this country into a primeval fever swamp of ignorance and hate, and I’m uniquely qualified to do it,” concluded Cruz.

The “crowd” applauded the speech halfheartedly and dispersed but not before one member suggested that Cruz go ahead and commit suicide so we could all get on with “making America great again.”

Cheeseheads Choose Cheesedick

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MADISON – (CT&P) -Senator, cheesedick, and all around despicable human being Ted Cruz romped to victory Tuesday in the Wisconsin primary, dealing a setback to fellow miscreant Donald Trump and complicating the front-runner’s efforts to win the delegates he needs to secure the GOP nomination without a fight at this summer’s Republican convention.

The primary contest offered just 42 of the 1,237 delegates needed to clinch the nomination before the party convenes in July.

But with the count expected to be very close, every delegate has come to matter and Tuesday’s win helped Cruz slice Trump’s delegate lead, albeit narrowly.

Speaking to cheering supporters in Milwaukee, Cruz declared his primary win a turning point.

“It is a rallying cry,” the Texas senator said. “It is a call from the hard-working men and women from Wisconsin to the people of America. We have a choice. We have a real choice.”

For one of the few times in his life, Senator Cruz was correct.

Republicans can choose between a giant bipedal orange dick and a subhuman monster that should have been ripped from his mother’s womb during the first trimester of pregnancy.

Exit polls in Wisconsin indicated that Wisconsin Republicans were not so much voting for Cruz but voting against Armageddon at the hands of a 12-year-old egomaniac from the bowels of Hell.

When asked what they thought of Ted Cruz as a human being, 38% of Cruz voters said that he was an “extremely dangerous religious kook who wants to institute Christian sharia in America,” while 27% said that he was an “odious cretin hatched from an egg in a former Eastern Bloc bio-weapons lab.”

18% of respondents said that they were convinced that Cruz was in fact the Zodiac Killer, 12% said he was the Antichrist, while 5% said that they had no clue what the fuck Cruz was, but he was better than Donald Trump.

100% of those polled said that they had no desire to vote for Cruz, but because the Republican party was so fucked up they felt they had no choice.

Cruz campaign manager Herbert Mephistopheles told CNN that he hopes the Wisconsin victory will propel the senator into the convention in July with enough delegates to wreak all kinds of havoc and wreck the Republican Party for generations to come.

 

Recently Deceased Trump Supporters Fail To Convince Jesus

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PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – A delegation of newly dead Trump supporters arrived at the Pearly Gates this morning only to have their credentials for admittance flatly rejected by Saint Peter and a small group of angels who were outside the walls smoking at the time.

The group consisted mostly of poorly educated, xenophobic racists from the old Confederacy who were die-hard Trump supporters from day one.

They made impassioned pleas that economic hardship brought on by a conspiracy of illegal immigrants, lazy blacks, establishment Republicans, the Chinese, mysterious Jews who controlled the liberal media, and above all Megyn Kelly, whom they consider the leader of the cabal, justified their support of a fascist candidate.

However, Saint Peter remained unmoved.

“I can’t recall Our Lord and Savior mentioning anything about immigrants or trade policy in the New Testament, except of course his admonition to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself,’ which right-wing Christians seem to ignore with increasing frequency these days,” said Peter to a group of Brietbart reporters who were loitering outside the gates while in route to the Lake of Fire.

“These idiots think they can have it both ways; go to the rally and spew hatred on Saturday and then run to church on Sunday and talk about Jesus for an hour, and everything is just hunky-dory. Well, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work that way.”

As usual, the group of miscreants would not take an expert’s word on the subject and refused to leave until they spoke directly to the ‘Strongman.’

Eventually Jesus did put in an appearance and without hesitation told the group to go to Hell, which they promptly did.

 

Bentley Elected President Of Prestigious Governors Association

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MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been elected president of the prestigious Horny Republican Governors Association, edging out former governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford in what pundits have called a ‘nip and tuck’ race between two swollen and distended southern politicians.

Sanford had long been considered the favorite to win the position because of his creativity and yarn-spinning abilities, and he held double-digit leads in the polls for most of the race.

However, Bentley made a big comeback towards the end of the contest and won the election going away in large part because voters were so impressed with his prowess, performance, and doggedness when faced with situations that would make most men his age run for the prescription bottle.

“Bentley is one of the horniest motherfuckers I’ve ever seen,” said Milton Schlongstein of the Birmingham News. “I think it was that sex tape that really gave him the inside track and lubed his way to victory.

“That old coot may look like a funeral director, but let me tell ya, he can bang away all night long in every imaginable position. He’s a real stud.”

Bentley told journalists that he’s honored to be taking over the reins of the organization and looked forward to helping it grow in length and girth.

“I think I can engorge the HRGA with new blood and significant cash donations from our allies in the business world,” said Bentley at a press conference outside the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Opelika.

The HRGA was originally created to give political cover for Tea Baggers who run as ‘family values’ candidates but who in reality will fuck anything with a pulse.

However, over the years the group has become a multi-faceted organization that has done a great deal to help out embattled right wing politicians by paying legal fees stemming from sexual harassment lawsuits, delivering bags of cash to pay off blackmailing bitches and the parents of adolescents, and finding lawyers willing to defend state officials brought up on bestiality charges.

Governor Bentley is slated to take over as president just as soon as the people of Alabama throw him out on his shriveled white hypocritical ass sometime this spring.

North Korea Running Out Of Missiles To Launch Into The Fucking Ocean

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SEOUL – (CT&P) – In a memo distributed to media outlets, South Korea’s National Intelligence Service stated that it believes that North Korea is running low on its supply of functional rockets and missiles because they have launched so many into the Sea of Japan lately.

“We believe that the North has only about a dozen missiles left in its arsenal at this point because it has insisted on acting like an overgrown starving child and has been launching them right and left into the closest body of water available,” said the press release.

“The North’s idiotic actions over the last few weeks has left it with a small number of ballistic missiles which it could use to attack us, which is a good thing. However, we would like to stress that the despotic regime still represents a very real threat to any country that has progressed past the nineteenth century.”

The memo went on to outline a frightening scenario in which North Korea could send a wave of World War II era Russian T-34 tanks accompanied by millions of starving farmers with clubs in an attempt to take over the South and get something to fucking eat for a change.

“We can never allow our guard to drop,” concluded the memo, “you never know what those crazy fucks will do next.”

Belgium Raises Terror Threat Level To Clusterfuck

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BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Prime Minister Charles Michel raised Belgium’s terror threat level to Clusterfuck today after several cowardly religious kooks blew the shit out of the airport and subway in Brussels.

Clusterfuck is Belgium’s highest terror alert level, and its interior minister has ordered extra soldiers deployed to the streets and security at its ports and borders. All airport operations have been stopped and incoming flights diverted, while public transport has been halted in Brussels and trains and subway stations have been closed.

However, none of these actions are expected to do shit to help the situation because the terrorists are already in Belgium and have been for years.

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Colonel Kurtz appeared on a special edition of Wolf Blitzer’s The Situation Room, which showed the same clips of the Brussels bombings over and over again until Kurtz ripped his own head off.

Experts agree that Belgian authorities continue to ignore the root of the problem, which is the fact that they have a neighborhood in the heart of Brussels that acts a veritable welcome center for murderous goat-fucking Islamic thugs.

“Molenbeek is a neighborhood where bloodthirsty 7th Century Neanderthals can kick back and relax for a while, confident that none of the other residents will turn them in,” said Colonel Walter E. Kurtz (USA-Ret) earlier today on CNN.

“Until the Belgians grow a set of balls and plow through that miserable shithole with tanks and flamethrowers they’re going to continue to have this problem.

“As it turns out, it’s not such a great idea to invite a bunch of folks from a completely different culture into your country and then alienate the fuck out of them, denying them meaningful work and encouraging a sense of hopelessness in their youth. It’s slightly counterproductive.

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General Ripper called in to Blitzer’s show from Burpelson Air Force Base in Omaha, Nebraska

“Now you have a bunch of disaffected people holed up together in what amounts to a slum with a bunch of bombs, rockets, and automatic weapons. What the fuck do you think is gonna happen?

“As far as I’m concerned what that neighborhood sorely needs right now is a bunch of heads on pikes. That’ll act as a little wake up call for those sitting on the fence. Then if we can manage to pry Belgian politicians’ heads out of their asses long enough to help these folks become real members of society, we might get somewhere.”

Although most pundits agree with Colonel Kurtz that integration is the key, U.S. Air Force General Jack Ripper told the same CNN panel that it’s too late to repair the mistakes of the past.

“The best solution here is to nuke Molenbeek and any other hotbed of Islamic terror festering in Europe, and I’ve already started the ball rolling,” said Ripper.

“My boys will give us the best kind of start, fourteen hundred megatons worth, and you sure as hell won’t stop them now,” chuckled General Ripper.

Although it looks like General Ripper exceeded his authority in this instance and his actions have not been condoned by the United States or NATO, it seems it’s too late to do anything about it, so expect a change of scenery the next time you travel to western Europe.

Obama Destroys Cuba In Less Than 24 Hours

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HAVANA – (CT&P) – A distraught President Raul Castro of Cuba appeared on Radio Havana today and announced that after less than 24 hours since setting foot in Havana, the President of the United States had managed to completely destroy the entire country.

“Our beautiful nation now lays in ruins,” said an emotional Castro. “This monster, this Antichrist, was not satisfied destroying his own country dozens of times during his presidency; he had to haul his black ass down here and destroy ours as well, the bastard!”

“Cuba was once a glittering jewel of the Caribbean, now it nothing more than a heap of smoldering ashes. I had heard rumors from Republicans and other poorly educated Americans about how Obama had repeatedly ‘destroyed America’ but I chose to ignore the warnings and let him visit our idyllic land.

“Now I must take full responsibility for the disaster that has occurred. We have a long and hard rebuilding process ahead of us, but with the help of God and western European tourists we will prevail. God help us all.”

Mr. Obama offered no response to the radio address as he drank beer and toured a sugar cane plantation in the hills outside a burning garbage dump that only the day before was the thriving city of Cardenas.

He is expected to leave Havana tomorrow and destroy three countries in Central America before returning home to destroy America several more times before leaving office.

 

 

North Korean Leader Urinates On Demilitarized Zone

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SEOUL – (CT&P) – This morning North Korean Dear Beloved Large-Bladdered Vivacious Leader Kim Jong-un began a mission to “mark his territory” as a “show of strength and endurance” after launching another series of malfunctioning rockets and missiles into the sea this week.

The thoroughly unbalanced pudgy cretin who leads a country of starving peasants and nervous-as-fuck totalitarian generals vowed to walk along the entire length of the 160 mile-long heavily militarized border with South Korea, urinating as he went.

Kim told a cadre of shaking, sweaty reporters that he intended to show the American and South Korean “pig dogs” just who was boss on “this God-forsaken peninsula.”

“The imperialist swine are conducting military exercises intended to frighten us and prepare the way for an invasion so they can steal the vast riches we have worked so hard to amass,” said the murderous dunderhead.

“We will not be intimidated,” said the porcine imbecile as he slurped up an extra-large lard smoothie.

Korea watchers and Pentagon officials told CNN that Kim probably felt like he had to initiate the “pissing contest” when two more of his missiles went awry yesterday during yet another test of North Korea’s inferior weaponry.

“They were attempting to test two of their new medium range missiles, the Longdong II, which was designed to hit targets in the United States,” said Air Force General Buck Turgidson.

“But one just fell into the Sea of Japan, which is practically overflowing with their fucking low tech gadgetry from earlier tests. The other streaked straight up into the stratosphere and according to NASA is on its way out of the solar system. Will these idiots never give up?”

According to General Turgidson the hapless North Koreans also tested a new “super secret” rocket called the Vulgarian I, a short, stubby weapon shaped like a Vienna sausage which, according to the general, is all bluster and no substance.

“The Vulgarian I is completely full of shit,” said Turgidson. “Its only purpose is to scare and intimidate the poorly educated into doing the launcher’s bidding.”

Mr. Kim is expected to complete his journey sometime next month, by which time the joint U.S.-South Korean military exercises will be over, and the dehydrated dictator can get back to eating cheese and executing extended family members with Alsatians and anti-aircraft guns.

 

 

Hateful Religious Kook Condemns St Patrick’s Day As ‘Gay Holiday Sanctioned By Lucifer’

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DENVER – (CT&P) – Homophobic minister and all around despicable human being Kevin Swanson urged Christians across the United States not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day today because it has been taken over by forces sent from Lucifer himself.

Swanson spoke from his radio studio in Elizabeth, Colorado, where his show, World View of a Bigoted Hypocritical Religious Charlatan is featured on Generations of Assholes Radio.

“St Patrick’s Day has always been a problematic holiday because of its association with snakes,” said Swanson on his radio show. “Snakes are the agents of Satan, and they represent the male sexual organ, which should only be used when attempting reproduction in the dark within a good Christian marriage.

“As we have seen the homosexual conspiracy to take over this country grow and grow, St Patrick’s Day has become a time of celebration and congregation for these subhumans. I personally believe that we should execute all of them along with every Girl Scout leader in the United States. It’s what our Lord Jesus Christ would have wanted,” said Swanson, as he massaged his crotch.

“These heathens paint themselves green and march around in parades while wearing hardly a stitch of clothing to cover up their heinous maleness. Why do you know that in New York City, that den of iniquity, they’re letting the sodomites march with decent human beings today? Their sweaty, muscular, athletic bodies are going to be on display for everyone to see. It’s disgusting!

“I’ve spent hours on gay porn sites and I know what these men are up to,” raged Swanson. “God will punish them for their vile sins, that’s for sure, but in the meantime I feel it’s my duty to tell the public all about it, so my research will continue.”

Swanson eventually got so worked up that he started speaking in tongues and had to be escorted from his studio and given a sedative because aides feared he would activate the poison glands located in the roof of his mouth and inadvertently hurt himself.