Tag Archives: politics

Dickhead And Asshole Pose For Photograph In South Carolina

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dickhead and asshole

 

CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – Infamous South Carolina dickhead congressman Mark Sanford posed for a photograph with bigoted pseudo Christian asshole Phil Robertson at a campaign event for Antichrist miscreant Senator Ted Cruz last night, who continues to fantasize about being president of the United States.

Mr. Sanford posted the photograph on Twitter with the caption, “I love getting to know scumbag cretins like myself. Phil is a good Christian who wants to kill all gay people. Go Ted!”

Pundits are calling the photograph a warning to all citizens of the United States of what could happen if a Republican wins the White House, particularly the giant bipedal penis Ted Cruz.

“It never ceases to amaze me that people are dumb enough to actually sit and listen to a couple of fossilized turds like Sanford and Robertson,” said Sheldon Schlongowitz, a political analyst for CNN.

“It’s truly worrisome that Republican voters in are apparently splitting their vote between an ego-maniacal fascist and a foul smelling hypocrite who wants to turn America into some sort of theocracy, but then again we are talking about South Carolina.”

Democrats are hopeful that the photograph will scare the fuck out of decent people across the U.S. and help them win the general election in the fall.

“If that photograph doesn’t convince the American public that electing a Republican president is tantamount to suicide, then nothing will,” said Bernie Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver.

 

McConnell Threatens To Destroy Tokyo

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mcconnell

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – During an interview with Fox News couch tumor Steve Doocy this morning, Senate Majority Leader and behemoth reptile Mitch McConnell threatened Tokyo with “utter and complete destruction” if President Obama had the audacity to nominate a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who recently assumed room temperature.

McConnell told Doocy that “never in the history of the United States” has a president been allowed to nominate a justice during the last three years of his term.

“The constitution only allows presidents to nominate judges during their first year in office,” said McConnell, as he consumed a large pine tree outside his Louisville office. “Everyone knows the rules, and the fact that Obama is willing to flout them like this just proves that he is in fact the Antichrist. If he dares to make a nomination, I promise I’ll lay waste to Tokyo and move on from there.”

McConnell’s threats were taken seriously by the Japan Self-Defense Forces, who immediately went on alert and started lining up antiquated tanks and rocket launchers along the shores of Tokyo Bay.

“We have to take these threats seriously,” said General Tojo Yamamoto of the JSDF. “McConnell’s tough outer shell and leathery skin make him almost impervious to conventional weapons. We may have to call in other monsters such as Ted Cruz or even Michele Bachmann in order to stop him.”

Until now McConnell has been satisfied to merely lumber onto to Pennsylvania Avenue and stop traffic in all directions to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for obstruction. However, these new threats mark a willingness to up the ante and destroy every in his path in order to get his way.

The Obama Administration so far has not been willing to use “the nuclear option” to destroy McConnell, but with Tokyo and other major cities under threat of annihilation this may change.

“We don’t want to nuke him,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, “but when you’re dealing with a throwback from the early Jurassic period, you have to keep all your options open.”

12 Dead At RNC Headquarters Building After Rubio Fails Voight-Kampff Test

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting at least 12 dead and 27 injured today inside the RNC Headquarters building in Washington, D.C. after presidential hopeful Marco Rubio went berserk during a Voight-Kampff test.

The test, which measures bodily functions such as respiration, heart rate, blushing and eye movement in response to emotionally provocative questions, was ordered by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus in an attempt to determine if Rubio was human or some form of advanced robot.

“After Marco’s performance in Saturday night’s debate, we felt we owed it to our voters to determine whether Marco was indeed a human being or some kind of malfunctioning replicant,” said Priebus. “I guess we got our answer.”

Rubio reportedly answered a series of questions about his part-time senate job successfully before the examiner moved on to questions about tortoises and Rubio’s supposed mother.

According to an eyewitness, when the examiner asked Rubio if his mother was a reptile with a protective shell, the candidate leaped over the table and snapped the examiner’s neck like it was a toothpick.

“Then he went on a rampage, overpowering security guards and slaughtering half the staff,” said the witness, on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it. He had this childlike grin on his face as crushed the skulls of our employees with his bare hands. He kept demanding to know when he was made, and when no one could answer, he just slaughtered them. It was horrific.”

According to Priebus, SWAT teams reportedly have Rubio cornered inside a janitor’s closet where he’s holding several volunteers and lobbyists hostage. A FBI hostage negotiator has been called in.

So far Rubio has refused to give up and keeps repeating the phrase “Obama knows what he’s doing” over and over again. An RNC insider is telling Reuters that assault teams will give the negotiator a few hours to reason with Rubio before they move in.

“We hope we can resolve this without further loss of life, but if push comes to shove we’ll blow that closet all to hell,” said Priebus. “We can’t have robots going berserk and killing our people willy-nilly. We don’t care so much about the volunteers, but lobbyists are another thing entirely.”

 

Children Of The Corn Choose Son Of Satan

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Senator and Antichrist Ted Cruz, powered by a surge of support from fanatical evangelical Christians, dealt a humbling loss to Donald J. Trump in the Iowa caucuses on Monday, throwing into question the depth of support for Mr. Trump’s unconventional candidacy.

In the first contest of what so far has been more a populist revolt against the political order than a traditional Republican primary, part-time Senator Marco Rubio of Florida finished a strong third, bolstering his case to consolidate the support of Republicans uneasy about the two top finishers and so desperate that they will back a man-child with the mind of a teenager instead of face the reality of a Trump or Cruz candidacy.

Mr. Cruz had nearly 28 percent of the vote, Mr. Trump 24 percent and Mr. Rubio 23 percent.

Children-of-the-corn-1984-movie-4

Christian organizations all across Iowa celebrated the Cruz victory by crucifying gay couples in remote cornfields and sending their adopted children to Jesus, Inc. reeducation camps run by Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-A

“To God be the glory,” Mr. Cruz told jubilant supporters. “Tonight is a victory for religious kooks all across this great nation. Tonight is a victory for both naive fools that actually believe what I’m saying, and brain-dead Tea Party hayseed twits all across Iowa.”

Chairman Necromancer McSnead of the popular Iowa Christians for a Violent Overthrow of the Federal Government, a splinter group of the American Taliban Association, wholeheartedly agreed.

“When Ted gains power we can go back to executing gays, negroes, and poor people in the village square just like in the good old days of the Middle Ages,” McSnead told Katy Tur of MSNBC. “That’s what Jesus would want.

“We understand that Ted has to bide his time and actually pretend to be reasonable while running his campaign, but we all look forward to him seizing power and turning the federal government into an oppressive theocracy that smothers all progressive ideas and jails all dissenters. Anyone with any sense knows that’s how the ultra right-wing Christian founders wanted it to be, and if we have to make a pact with the Son of Satan to achieve it, then so be it. We just can’t wait to live in the Saudi Arabia of the West!”

Meanwhile, almost every decent human being in the United States and around the world hopes that Cruz will fall flat on his ass in New Hampshire and Trump or Rubio will come out the victor.

Even elected Republican officeholders are lining up against Cruz.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told Fox News that he would rather see “a diseased goat” as president rather than Cruz. “Ted Cruz redefines what it means to be an asshole. He’s a walking, talking hemorrhoid. He can’t assume room temperature soon in enough if you ask me.”

With the New Hampshire primary only days away, we won’t have long to wait to see who comes out on top, the fascist, the  man-child, or the Antichrist himself.

 

 

Jesus Really Pissed Off With Comparison To Pandering Politician Who Can’t Manage His Money; Vows To Lay Waste To Iowa

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jesusshotgun

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a brief, hastily called news conference outside Ames, Jesus of Nazareth expressed his extreme displeasure with Iowans who believe that Marco Rubio is the Second Coming of the popular religious figure.

“That man-child from Cretinville couldn’t manage a rest area on the interstate, much less a universe,” said an angry Prince of Peace. “He may have pulled the wool over the eyes of a bunch of ethanol-crazed hayseeds, but as we move on to other states, that kind of shit just won’t fly.”

Rubio, a part-time senator from Florida and candidate for the GOP presidential nomination, has been called many things in the course of his ascendance from state senator to potential loser to Hillary Clinton: youthful, energetic, a lawn sprinkler, “his party’s best hope,” and the “dud” from the old board game Mystery Date.

Time magazine even called him “The Republican Savior,” as Fox News’s Bret Baier reminded him during Thursday night’s G.O.P. debate, during part of a pointed question about his fall from polling grace. But make no mistake: the presumptive front-runner-in-waiting does not think he’s Jesus.

Rubio, who appeared at the debate with a cross strapped to his back and wearing a crown of thorns, said that he did not want to give the impression that he thinks he is a savior, lord, redeemer, or anything of the sort.

“It’s close, but I’m not the Lamb of God,” said the famously modest Rubio, as sweat poured from his forehead. “I’m just a normal guy with the ambition of a rabid honey badger and the intelligence of a bivalve. Believe you me, if I was Jesus, I’d turn this water I’m chugging into Gatorade,” chuckled the perpetually dehydrated charlatan.

Jesus has apparently not been too pleased with the comparisons and promised that Rubio would wish he had never been born by the time he was finished with him.

“I don’t know who he thinks he’s messing with, but he won’t be smiling when he finds himself standing next to Fred Phelps while getting a pineapple shoved up his ass every ten minutes,” said the visibly irritated King of Kings.

“As for the residents of Iowa, they better get their asses down to Ken Ham’s insane asylum down in Petersburg, Kentucky, and board that lifeboat he’s building to scam money from all those gullible religious kooks. I plan on kicking off the festivities with a tsunami that’ll make the one in Japan look like a kiddie pool. Then it’s gonna be fire and brimstone time. It’s not smart to screw around with the Son of Man.”

Monsanto Finalizes Plans To Destroy All Life On Earth

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ST LOUIS – (CT&P) – Monsanto Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant announced at a press conference this morning that the company’s long-awaited master plan to annihilate all life on earth had been finalized.

The company hopes to use a combination of carcinogenic weed killers, toxic fertilizers, and genetically altered plants and animals to wipe out all life on the planet.

“I know it’s been a long time coming, but we’re finally on the verge of killing every living thing on this miserable rock,” said Grant, as blood from an early morning feeding dripped off his chin. “We’ve already done one hell of a job on the bees, bats, and amphibians. Now we’re going to go after the base of the food chain and then graduate to larger reptiles and mammals.

“We’ve also been rapidly buying up every heritage seed company we can get our hands on so desperate survivors of the initial cataclysm won’t be able to grow their own food,” said a chuckling Grant.

When asked just when he thought Monsanto would accomplish its goal of worldwide apocalypse, Grant said that it should only take about three generations.

“Originally we planned on 200 years,” said Grant. “But our partnering with Koch Industries has changed all that. With the help of the Koch brothers poisoning the groundwater through fracking, and accelerated global warming from our dear friends in the oil industry, we think we can wipe out millions of years of evolution in no time flat.”

One reporter asked Grant if he didn’t think that environmentalists might object to large corporations laying waste to the entire planet and push for tighter regulations in congress.

“What, are you an idiot? Between us and the Kochs we own almost every politician now serving in office. We hope we can get a Republican in the presidency this time around so we can really get to work decimating what’s left of our water, air, and wildlife so we can come in under budget and right on time!”

When asked why Monsanto and Koch would want to make the earth a sterile rock incapable of supporting life of any kind, Grant said “For the money you moron! I won’t be around when all the shit hits the fan, so who the fuck cares?”

 

 

ARMY OF THE TWELVE CRETINS

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NOT YOUR USUAL HORROR FILM

BANNED IN ALL OTHER WESTERN DEMOCRACIES

SEE: THE FACES OF MODERN FASCISM!

SEE: CANDIDATES WITH A TOTAL LACK OF EMPATHY!

SEE: THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF RIGHT WING BLOOD LUST!

SEE: THE LIVING DEAD TRY TO DRAG US BACK TO THE MIDDLE AGES!

SEE: BRAIN DAMAGED CANDIDATES TRY DESPERATELY TO MAKE SENSE!

SEE: RELIGIOUS KOOKS ATTEMPT TO QUENCH THEIR INSATIABLE THIRST FOR A THEOCRACY!

STARRING: THE PUTRID REMAINS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

Jeffrey Schlongstein of the Washington Post writes: “This is one movie you don’t dare miss. Our very way of life may depend on it.”

NOW SHOWING IN IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE

SOON TO COME TO A PODIUM NEAR YOU

RATED R FOR RACISM

Ted Cruz Picks Up Key Endorsement

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satan44

 

THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz picked up a key endorsement today from Satan, the Prince of Darkness and Spirit of Evil. The surprise endorsement came during a hastily called press conference early this morning along the banks of the River Styx, on the outskirts of Hades.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told assembled journalists that Lucifer, who has long been expected to endorse current GOP front runner Donald Trump, changed his mind and will be backing Cruz throughout the primaries.

“His Majesty the King of Hell feels that Senator Cruz embodies the all the qualities we hold dear here in the Abyss of Eternal Suffering,” said Balthazar. “It was a close call, because so many of the Republican candidates are truly horrible human beings, but Ted shined in the key ‘hypocrite’ category, and that won him the endorsement in the end.”

“Mephistopheles believes that when it comes down to it, none of the GOP candidates can match Ted for his ability to mask his dark soul and evil intentions while claiming to be a Christian. He’s truly an abominable human being, and we feel he has the best chance to usher in a period of hell on earth that will pave the way for El Diablo’s reign on your miserable planet.”

The endorsement came as a complete surprise to Donald Trump, who was counting on the endorsement after exhibiting all the characteristics of a racist, misogynistic, homophobic fascist on the campaign trail.

Trump told Wolf Blitzer that he was really counting on a “Beelzebub Bump” in the polls.

“Instead I’m stuck with this fucking idiot Sarah Palin,” said a despondent Trump. “I’m going to have to come up with a new plan.”

 

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Announces Plans To Carpet Bomb Flint

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LANSING – (CT&P) – Michigan Governor Rick Snyder (R) announced today that he is ordering the Michigan Air National Guard to carpet bomb Flint “until the entire fucking city is flattened.”

A spokesman for the governor told CNN that Snyder was “sick and fucking tired” of Flint residents bellyaching about lead in their water, the outbreak of Legionaires’ disease ravaging the city, and the guillotining of citizens who commit misdemeanors within the city limits.

“If these people don’t like the way Governor Snyder is running things in Flint, then they can just die along with all the rest of his Democrat opponents,” said Maximilien Robespierre, Snyder’s chief of staff.

“All these folks do is whine about representative government and clean drinking water,” said Robespierre, as wiped blood from corner of his mouth. “They should be glad they live in a state that’s run by a right-wing Christian governor like Rick. There’s plenty of places on earth where people are forced to drink their own urine because there’s no water at all. If you ask me the residents of Flint have it made.”

Snyder, considered by many to be the Antichrist, was once an up and coming star of the Republican Party until he began poisoning the children of Michigan with lead and other heavy metals.

“Poisoning kids is where we have to draw the line,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “I mean if they were all black or Hispanic that would one thing, but Snyder ruined the lives of a bunch of white kids as well, and we can’t abide that.”

According to the governor’s office the bombing is set to begin on Sunday morning in honor of Jesus, because Snyder claims to rule by divine right. As an act of kindness pamphlets warning of the city’s impending doom will be dropped on Flint Saturday along with canisters of mustard gas which is intended to drive as many residents out of the city as possible before the bombing begins.

“It should be quite a show,” said a gleeful Robespierre.

 

El Chapo Surrenders In Time For The Iowa Caucuses

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MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Mexican authorities are reporting that drug lord and escape artist extraordinaire “El Chapo” has turned himself in to police in order to move to the United States in time for a run for the GOP nomination.

President Enrique Pena Nieto announced the news via Twitter on Friday, six months after the kingpin brazenly broke out of a high security prison through a tunnel.

Guzman, the head of the infamous Sinaloa Cartel who Pena Nieto first caught in 2014, was taken into custody in the drug baron’s native state of Sinaloa, a government security source said.

“Mission accomplished: We have him,” Pena Nieto said on his Twitter account. “I want to inform all Mexicans that Joaquin Guzman Loera will soon be leaving Mexico and will become the Yankees’ problem.”

Once featured in the Forbes list of billionaires, Guzman is one of the world’s top crime bosses, whose Sinaloa Cartel has smuggled billions of dollars worth of cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines into the United States and fought vicious turf wars with other Mexican gangs.

Political pundits consider Guzman the only candidate who could match Donald Trump’s viciousness, bigotry, and deep pockets and give him a real run for his money for the GOP nomination.

“We really look forward to “El Chapo” joining the race,” said Reince Priebus, the once-powerful head of the RNC.

“Things were looking pretty grim for the GOP for a while, what with a bigoted casino owner and Satan incarnate the only serious contenders for the nomination. I think Guzman will provide a progressive alternative that establishment Republicans can rally around. The future is still bright for the party of Lincoln!”