Tag Archives: pope francis

Leader Of Catholic Church Meets With Antichrist

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obamapope

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – His Holiness Pope Francis met today with the Antichrist, President Obama, at the White House to discuss ways in which the church can delay the inevitable apocalypse brought about by his reign of terror over the American people and citizens of the world.

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After the Pope left the White House the Antichrist dropped his clever disguise as a reasonable and intelligent human being.

Before the meeting, His Holiness told reporters outside the White House that he had been monitoring right-wing websites and listening to “kooky radio talk show hosts” talk about the evils of the Obama Administration for years and thought it might be time to intervene.

“After reading about the ravages of Jade Helm 15 on various right-wing websites, which reported that the operation eradicated the Christian population of Texas, I decided it was high time someone tried to reason with that demon masquerading as president,” said the Pontiff.

No one knows what went on during the meeting, as it was conducted behind closed doors and the Pope was alone with the Son of Satan. However, afterwards the Pope had some discouraging words to say to journalists.

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Intellectuals within the Tea Party were the first to recognize that we had elected the Son of Satan to be our 44th president

“I was unable to convince the Prince of Darkness to delay the End Times,” said Francis. “He insists that he will continue to offer health care to the poor and attempt to destroy the United States through the use of clean air and water acts, and encourage free cancer screenings and the use of low-cost contraceptives among the poor at the expense of wealthy Americans. Worst of all, he says he won’t just start invading Muslim countries out of misplaced fear and hatred. I’m afraid we’re all doomed.”

For his part President Obama told the press that he really enjoyed his time with the Pope but had to say goodbye after lunch because he had plans to destroy the entire fucking country again late this afternoon.

 

 

God “Sick And Tired” Of National Day Of Prayer

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GOD!!

VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – After his normal Friday lunch with Pope Francis, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to discuss world events and crises with members of the international press corps. The deity expressed concern over ongoing problems in Ukraine, the Middle East, and David Cameron’s shocking reelection in Great Britain.

“I don’t know what the hell those people were thinking re-electing that two-faced Tory aristocrat,” said God. “You think they would’ve learned their lesson by now.”

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God said one thing he was taking seriously were the millions of requests he received yesterday to strike Sean Hannity deaf and dumb. “I really despise that dumb bastard,” said God.

When a reporter from Fox News asked the Creator and Ruler of the Universe what he thought was accomplished by America’s National Day of Prayer yesterday, God responded, “Not a damn thing as far as I can tell.”

“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of it,” said the Supreme Being. “It’s not enough that I have to field requests every damn day about Little Johnny’s toenail fungus and Aunt Lizzie’s sick chickens, not to mention the millions of teenage boys praying that they lose their virginity before graduation, and the gazillions of requests for cash I get on an hourly basis. No, you guys have to go and proclaim a special day where everybody stops what the hell they’re doing and bombards my ass with all kinds of ridiculous requests.”

“My advice to you talking monkeys is that you take advantage of millions of years of natural selection and use your huge brains to come up with some of your own solutions to your problems. In other words, if you want something done, then get off your ass and do it! I’m busy trying to run a universe here. I’ve got better things to do than listen to you sniveling cretins in sagging skin sacks. I mean, shit!”

God then apologized to reporters and explained that he had to leave because he was due in the Andromeda galaxy to supervise a planet-wide referendum on third trimester abortions by the Reptile People.

Pat Robertson Warns Viewers: “Upcoming Eclipse Is A Clear Sign From God”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700 Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.

The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.

For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.

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A constipated Reverend Robertson is seen here praying for America to repent so it can survive God’s wrath over renewable energy sources.

Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.

Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.

Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.

In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”

“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”

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The staff of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky have been instructed to tell visitors this week that eclipses never happened before the moon was created a mere 200 years ago.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”

Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”

During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.

As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”

God Receives High Praise For Planning And Execution Of NFC Championship Game

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monty-python-god

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Russell Wilson and other theologian-athletes on the victorious Seattle Seahawks football team gave God all the credit for their unlikely come-from-behind win against the Green Bay Packers on Sunday.

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Wilson is another in a long line of moronic athletes who thinks that God gives a shit who scores a touchdown and when

“God is too good all the time,” said a tearful Wilson after the game.

It seems that the outcome was never really in doubt because God planned the entire game, play-by-play, from start to finish. Football apparently has a very big part to play in the deity’s ultimate scheme for the universe.

“I had wanted us to go out and dominate Green Bay from the very start,” said Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll, “but when I saw God’s alternative plan for the game, I said well, that makes more sense.”

God’s plan was for Seattle to look like an anemic bunch of high school players for most of the game, and he had Seahawks quarterback Wilson throw four interceptions. All this was apparently part of his master plan to make Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers think they had the game won, so when Seattle came back, it would be that much more heartbreaking.

“God really hates the Green Bay Packers,” said Coach Carroll. “Everybody knows that. I think it has something to do with Wisconsin re-electing that idiot Scott Walker.”

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God’s son Jesus Christ gave up a promising football career at Nazareth Technical College in order to roam around Palestine preaching. Now he thinks wandering around the desert was a complete waste of time.

When asked in the locker room after the game why God would let Green Bay do so well only to crush their hopes at the last-minute, Wilson told reporters, “Don’t be a doubting Thomas, you guys! Everyone knows that God is a sadist. Just read the Old Testament. I mean, this is the same dude that drowned all those Egyptians in the Red Sea and ordered the genocide of all those tribes that fucked with the Israelites.”

“The game went the way it did because that was God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so special, so rewarding,” said Wilson.

Jesus Christ, who was at the Vatican at the time chastising Pope Francis for his remarks regarding free speech, was asked by a reporter if his father really cared about football games.

“You know sometimes I wish I had come to earth as an elephant or a bottle-nosed dolphin,” said the Son of God. “At least that way I would have been a member of a sentient species. You talking monkeys really leave a lot to be desired in the intelligence department.”

 

Jesus Distances Himself From State Lawmakers

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ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly outside the Roma Convention Centre and Exhibition Hall to talk to reporters today regarding the irritating rash of “Religious Freedom Restoration” acts sweeping the country in recent weeks. It seems the Messiah is more than a little irritated with right-wing lawmakers in state houses across America.

“I’d just like to say that these so-called ‘religious freedom acts’ are no more than thinly veiled attempts by pseudo Christians to codify their bigotry and hatred into law,” said the Son of God. “If these people can’t serve homosexuals or gay couples in their various businesses because it offends their so-called ‘faith’, then that faith is not worth a hoot in Hell.”

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This year Jesus brought his Messiahraptor with him in order to avoid another terrible experience trying to hail a taxi in convention traffic

“These talking monkey politicians should be a little bit more interested in helping their fellow humans in any way they can rather than telling others who the hell they can sleep with and marry,” said the Prince of Peace. “If you cretins think that Dad and I sit up there and scrutinize every action you people take down here and worry about your damn sexual preferences, well then you’ve got another thing coming. We’ve got slightly better things to do. After all, we manage the entire universe for Heaven’s sake. Who the hell do you think we are, the NSA?”

“Let me make this clear for about the millionth time in 2000 years: I don’t like bigots, racists, homophobes, or assholes in general. I already have to take a fist full of antacids every day to get over the nausea caused by the actions you cretins take in my name. Please start behaving yourselves or prepare to suffer the consequences. I made a brief visit to Hell myself a while back, and believe me, Lucifer has plenty of room for all you miscreants!”

“Now you’ll have to excuse me because I’ve got to mosey on over to the Vatican so I can jerk a knot in Francis’ tail regarding the limits of free speech. You people just wear my ass out sometimes.”

The Lord of Light and Lamb of God was in town promoting the new Birkenstock line of “Wandering Zealot” sandals at the 2015 Saints and Prophets New Product Expo held annually at the Roma Convention Centre. He is expected to leave on Sunday after Mass, and as usual no one knows when he will be coming back.

 

Holy Trinity Goes On Crusade, Smites Infidels 3-1

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CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Barcelona reignited their title challenge on Sunday evening, as they produced a fine performance to secure a 3-1 victory over Atletico Madrid at the Nou Camp.

 

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Luis Suarez, patron saint of cannibals, scored the second goal and thus sealed the invading infidels’ fate.

In what was a typically physical encounter between two teams who have grown to loathe each other in recent times, the Prophet Neymar needed just 11 minutes to break the deadlock before Saint Suarez doubled the advantage soon after. Both were aided by the absolutely divine passing of Our Lord and Savior, Lionel Messi.

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The Messiah proved once again that he is the one true son of God by performing another series of miracles on the pitch.

 

The infidel Mario Mandzukic scored from the penalty spot after an official blasphemously charged the Messiah with an imaginary foul shortly after half-time to briefly bring the game back to life. However, the Prince of Pitch put a controversial week behind him in style as he rounded off an impressive individual display with a close-range finish that sealed the points.

 

 

The result means Barcelona are now just a point behind the unbelievers of Real Madrid at the top of the table, albeit having played a game more than their traditional rivals. Atletico remain three points further back.

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The Messiah’s miracles are not limited to the playing field, according to his companion Antonella Roccuzzo.

 

In a statement made from the Vatican, Pope Francis said that “this is yet another example of the power that the Lord our God has to smite our enemies and lead us down the road to eternal glory and eventual victory in La Liga.”

 

After the game eager fans were given the opportunity to show their appreciation by washing their Messiah’s blessed feet as he levitated 12 inches above the surface of the playing field. He then hit the showers and returned to his 50 million dollar temple on the outskirts of the city where he had a light dinner of escalivada before making sweet love to his smokin’ hot female companion, Antonella Roccuzzo.

Rubio Pledges To Stamp Out Progress “Wherever It Rears Its Ugly Head”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -At a hurriedly called press conference somewhere in the bowels of Cretonia earlier today, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), a Catholic, criticized Pope Francis after the pontiff played a key role in helping the United States and Cuba forge an agreement that resulted in the release of American Alan Gross from Cuba.

Rubio said he would “ask His Holiness to take up the cause of freedom and democracy.”

The pompous ass junior senator from Cretonia who intends to school His Holiness was speaking in response to the White House’s announcement about talks to normalize relations with Cuba after a nearly 50-year embargo with the country.

Marco Rubio (R-Buffoon):: Obstructionist Republican Clown

Rubio spoke to reporters while in route to his part-time job as a carnival clown at Disneyworld

The pope played a pivotal role through personal appeals to President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro to help the two countries forge an agreement for the release of Gross, Obama announced on Wednesday.

Rubio is set to play a major role in Cuba policy as the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations subcommittee on Western Affairs, and he noted Wednesday some of Congress’ leverage points, such as funding for embassies and nomination of a U.S. ambassador to Cuba.

“I’m committed to doing everything I can to unravel as many of these changes as possible,” Rubio said.

When asked just what the hell he was talking about, Rubio replied “As I have said many times before, I’m no scientist and usually have no fucking clue what I’m talking about, regardless of the subject. However, for decades now our policy concerning Cuba has been held hostage by a tiny minority living in and around Miami. I see no reason to make any changes to that policy at this time. Cuban ex pats and their offspring make up an important voting bloc for us Republicans, to say nothing of their generous donations to our campaigns. I’m certainly not going to let them down by agreeing to a policy that could be good for the U.S. and Cuba as well.”
Rubio continued, “As a Republican I am against all forms of progress and change, and I will do my best to stamp out any change I see in any policy regarding anything at all.”
When asked to clarify his comments regarding the Pope Rubio said “This Pope is far too compassionate and helpful to be an ally of the Republican Party. They really need to get someone with experience in that position.”

God Condemns Bryan Fischer To Spend Eternity In Hell

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a working lunch with Pope Francis this afternoon, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to tell reporters that as a result of Fischer’s recent string of insane and hateful comments, he would be condemned to spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

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God told reporters that just because Fischer is sexually frustrated that gives him no right to spew hatred in His name.

“I have had it up to here with these charlatans making hateful and nauseating comments in my name,” said God. “I’m going to make an example of this dim witted freak for all the rest of you to see. I mean, look, I gave you a set of commandments to keep. Ten easy rules to follow so that you talking monkeys can all get along with each other. But no, you are too dumb to follow simple commands and insist on spewing hatred all over the airwaves while at the same time claiming to know what I am thinking. I’ve had it!”

God’s decision to immerse Fischer in the Lake of Fire until time ends came after a long series of idiotic and hate-filled comments came spewing forth from Fischer on his show aired by the American Family Association.

God handed the group of reporters a short list of Fischer’s sins while insisting he could fill an entire book with the despicable and heinous statements that the “moron” has spouted over the years.

In recent weeks on his radio program, Fischer has:

  • Declared it will be “the end of America” if Congress does not impeach President Obama
  • Denounced anyone who uses the word “racist,” then insisted that Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder “are racists.”
  • Sided with radical Islamists in Iraq in calling Obama a “devil worshiper.”
  • Suggested on Twitter that accepting homosexuality leads people to commit acts of necrophilia.
  • Said that LGBT people are inherently disqualified from holding public office.
  • Written an article in which he wonders if Robin Williams will go to heaven and insults Williams’s mother’s belief system (she was a Christian Scientist, Fischer says, and that is “a counterfeit form of religion that is neither Christian nor scientific”)
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God said that Fischer is not the first false prophet to be the Devil’s house guest, and surely won’t be the last.

God told reporters that Fischer should change the name of his program from “Focal Point” to “Feces Point” as it more accurately describes the filth coming out of this “pseudo Christian’s” mouth.

“Has this dude never heard of “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?” asked God. “It is hard for me to imagine how I could have been any clearer.”

God closed the impromptu presser by warning others that the same fate awaits them if they don’t take Pope Francis’ advice and try to show love for all mankind, not just straight white people.

“One more thing before I go,” said God. “I’ve just straightened out Francis on this whole embryonic stem-cell research thing and I’m not going to repeat myself. Kevin McCullough, I’ve got my eye on you, one more dumb-ass comment about how the ALS Challenge kills unborn babies and you can expect to contract Ebola in the very near future, you brainless twit!”

As God was departing for the intergalactic terminal at Leonardo da Vinci International, a reporter asked what specific form of punishment awaited Fischer in Hell.

God responded, “I leave that kind of stuff up to Lucifer. He can be very creative. After all, that’s what I put him there for.”

 

Messiah Scheduled To Return This Sunday

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messipope

Our Lord’s return has been highly anticipated by clerics all over the world

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Everyone had better be getting their house in order, because The Prince of Pitch and Lord of La Liga will be returning to earth on Sunday when the Catalans take on Elche in their first match of the year.

The Messiah will be leading a divine squad of disciples, revamped and reinvigorated by new manager Bishop Luis Enrique.

On one wing the Apostle Neymar will return with another year of experience under his cloak ready to levitate over opposing defenders and maneuver around the opposition like a pillar of fire.

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Barca fans all over the globe hope that Saint Xavi, Patron Saint of Reptiles, will rise like Lazarus to help guide the team in one final Crusade before departing to spread the gospel in America

Our Lord and Savior will be supported on the other wing by the always loyal Archangel Pedro the Swift, a player quite capable of scoring heavenly goals on his own.

Newly converted heretic and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will strike fear into the hearts of every defender he encounters in the middle. Unfortunately the saintly striker will be unable to join the ministry until October because of that unfortunate misunderstanding at the World Cup in Brazil.

He will however, be available for Barca’s confrontation with opposing sect Real Madrid.

The ravenous striker has been granted dispensation from Pope Francis for all past and future consumptions of human flesh during matches played in both La Liga and the Champion’s League so “The Scourge” should be biting on all cylinders this season.

The midfield will ably organized by Cardinal Andrés Iniesta and the usual cast, with support from Saint Xavi The Chameleon.

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The addition of saintly striker and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will no doubt strike fear into the hearts of non-believers all over Europe

The Army of God’s defensive troops will be led by St Mascherano the Martyr, who so readily sacrifices himself over and over again for the one true faith.

In conclusion, this year’s Barca lineup should strike terror into the hearts of all non-believers.

Many pundits think that if an internal schism can be avoided this season we will see a return of the Spanish Inquisition.

The Messiah and his disciples could very well leave a trail of tortured souls across scorched pitches in both La Liga and the Champion’s League.

Infidels across Europe should fear and tremble at Our Master’s return.

The Messiah’s first sermon of the new season may be seen live from Camp Nou on beIN Sports at 3 PM Eastern.

 

 

 

Biblical Scholar And Renowned Astronomer Pat Robertson Warns Armageddon Imminent…Again

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SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – On his ‘700 Club’ show earlier this week the Right Reverend Pat Robertson warned viewers that the earth could be destroyed as soon as “next week” and that everyone should “Get right and stay right with the Lord.”

Pat was reacting to the announcement on Tuesday by the B612 Foundation that large asteroid strikes are much more common than was once thought. The foundation, a group dedicated to preventing a strike by a planet-killing rock, revealed data that since 2001 at least 26 asteroids have caused explosions in the atmosphere as large as an atomic bomb.

Upon hearing this disturbing news, Pat immediately went into self promotion/Armageddon doomsayer mode. “I wrote a book, I wrote a book. It’s called ‘The End of the Age’ and it deals with an asteroid hitting the Earth,” Robertson said on his show. “I don’t see anything else that fulfills the prophetic words of Jesus Christ other than an asteroid strike. There isn’t anything that will cause the seas to roil, that will cause the skies to darken, the moon and the sun not to give their light, the nations terrified on Earth saying ‘what’s happening?'”

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Pat Robertson, here seen having a minor CVA while plugging one of his books, has long been a voice of doom and gloom on television and radio

Robertson concluded the segment by saying, “It could be next week, or it could be a 1,000 years from now, but nevertheless we want to be ready at whatever time the Lord says ‘I’m wrapping it up, it’s time to come home.'”

According to the unbalanced and downright creepy Reverend Robertson, this latest weapon in the Lord’s diverse and ever-growing arsenal will apparently be some kind of divine “doomsday rock” hurled by the angry deity directly at our unfortunate planet.

We at the Times wanted to dig deeper into the story so we contacted our source for all things divine, the Archangel Gabriel. Gabriel spoke via Skype to our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.

“That dude is out of his fucking mind as usual,” said a mildly agitated Gabriel. “He runs around yelling ‘God did this and God did that,’ and says ‘God is punishing the Haitians for voodoo’ and all this other crap. Hell, he’s predicted the end of the world so many times it makes your head spin around like Linda Blair’s.”

“Take it from me, and I should know, Pat Robertson would not know God’s wrath if it came up and bit him on the ass.”

Gabriel continued, “If the Old Man wanted to smite the earth, he’d do it the old-fashioned way. He’d just send me or Mike down to turn your cities into smoldering ruins and you talking monkeys into pillars of salt.”

“I don’t know where he gets all these ridiculous ideas, unless it’s some sort of hype to sell his books. If the dude really wants to prepare for the imminent destruction of earth and truly ‘get right with Jesus’ he better start taking Pope Francis’ advice and divest some of his billion-dollar empire to the poor and hungry instead of buying $500,00 thoroughbreds.”

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The Archangel Gabriel becomes agitated at the mere mention of Robertson’s name. Gabriel does not like false prophets and despises pansies.

“One thing that really irritates me about you guys in your sagging skin suits is that you will believe any bullshit that some cretin spouts on television or radio. If a group of eminent scientists tells you that there is an asteroid threat it seems logical to me that you should spend a few bucks on figuring out how to stop the damn things before you have a planetary barbecue on your hands. But no, instead you talking monkeys want to cower in some church to wail and gnash your teeth instead.”

“It’s disgusting and embarrassing. Don’t listen to some freak with a microphone, use the brains God gave you instead, you idiots!”

At that point “The Coyote” thanked Gabriel for his insight and ended the interview because the easily irritated Gabriel has been known to immolate innocent bystanders on a whim.

There is a silver lining to all this doom and gloom. Ed Lu, along with fellow ex-astronauts Tom Jones and Bill Anders, has been attempting to develop a better asteroid early warning system, the Sentinel Infrared Space Telescope. The telescope will work by scanning the sky in infrared, which will allow it to calculate the trajectory and velocity of asteroids. It is hoped in the future we will at least be able to detect every planet or city-killer that might be on a collision course with earth.

There is no word yet on whether or not Robertson will contribute to the cause of preventing a devastating asteroid strike. More than likely he’ll just purchase another potential Kentucky Derby winner instead while at the same time warning the faithful of God’s wrath over gay marriage.