Tag Archives: premier league

Dickerson Loses It After Three Days Without Satellite Dish

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MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Lee Dickerson was found wandering the woods along the Tennessee state line late last night suffering from exposure and dehydration, according to authorities from the North Carolina Wildlife Commission.

Wildlife Resource Officer John Small Berries found the man around 11 P.M wearing nothing but a tie-dyed Speedo with the words “Chavez-Dingo” sewn across the posterior area.

“I’ve been working this job for twenty years and it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said Small Berries.

“The dude was running around howling like some kind of animal and mumbling something about Barcelona and the Messiah. He was totally incoherent. At first I thought he was speaking in tongues.”

With the help of Dickerson’s neighbor Roger Wills, authorities were able to patch together what most likely led to the wilderness rampage.

It seems that Dickerson lost his Dish service sometime late Sunday during the playoff games. Officials believe it had something to do with the ice and snow that hit the area over the weekend. Dickerson’s problems apparently began when he was told it would be Thursday before a technician could be scheduled to come repair the damage because of his remote location and the Dish employees that had disappeared in the area in recent years.

“He just became more and more agitated as the days went by,” said Wills. “I know for a fact that he hasn’t gone more than four hours without watching a soccer match over the last two years. He’s kinda of a kook if you ask me. I always thought he was a weird son of a bitch, but have to admit I never expected this kind of breakdown just because he couldn’t watch the Premier League.”

Dickerson was checked into the Cherokee County Mental Health Unit in Murphy to undergo a battery of tests to ensure that he poses no threat to the public or wildlife in his area. He is expected to be released sometime Thursday afternoon in time to meet the Dish repairman who will be escorted to the site by a Cherokee County deputy sheriff.

Birmingham City Football Club To Change Nickname

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BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND (CT&P) – The Birmingham City Football Club has announced that it will be changing its nickname from “The Blues” to “The Mullahs” in order to better reflect the religious makeup of the town and its supporters.

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Birmingham City manager Gary Rowettallah thinks the name change is a “win-win” for both the club and its radical Islamist fan base.

The club is a professional association football club based in the city of Birmingham, England. They compete in the Football League Championship, the second tier of league football in England. Formed in 1875 as Small Heath Alliance, they became Small Heath in 1888, then Birmingham in 1905. They finally changed their names to Birmingham City in 1943, so they are no strangers to name changes. However, this is the first time the club has seen fit to change its nickname.

“I think the ownership believed it was time to more accurately reflect the cultural makeup of the city, the club, and its fans,” said Amir Gary Abhib Rowettallah, the club’s manager. “We also think that it could help us to intimidate teams coming here to play from predominantly Christian areas throughout England and Wales.”

The owners also have plans for a new stadium to be built on the current site of Birmingham Cathedral, which will be bulldozed this spring to make way for a new state of the art facility dubbed “New Mecca.”

The team’s new slogan will be “Keep Right On Killing.”

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Rowdy Blues fans celebrate outside St Andrews after Saturday’s 3-1 victory over Wigan Athletic. After the proposed changes they’ll be able to bring their firearms into the stadium rather than having to check them at the gate.

Other changes include a new ordinance banning women from attending games, new goal celebrations featuring the firing of AK-47’s into the air, and gala halftime beheadings of infidels who wander into the city centre by mistake.

“I think it’s a win-win for the team and the fans,” said Rowettallah. “Plus, the new black on black uniforms with white Arabic script are really cool!”

However, not everyone is happy with the change. The current leader of the Church of England Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby commented, “This is what happens when immigration policy runs amok. It’s only a matter of time before we’re watching the Tottenham Terrorists versus the Southampton Sunnis on the telly. It’s a disgrace to all Christendom!”