Tag Archives: public health

Anti Vaxxers Call Emergency Séance To Seek Guidance From Spirit World

Posted in humor, politics by

seance1

SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – Leaders of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association and the Vacuous Housewives Club of Orange County, the two largest anti-vaccination groups in the country, have called a crisis meeting this weekend to discuss how to respond to the barrage of criticism the groups are receiving over the measles outbreak currently sweeping the country.

Officeholders of both organizations will be present at the emergency summit as well as several luminaries and public advocates for the misguided cause. Former Playmate and Rhodes Scholar Jenny McCarthy, serial killer and conspiracy theory kook Jeffrey John Aufderheide, virus rights advocate Senator Thom “Typhoid” Tillis (R-NC), and New Jersey governor and planetoid Chris Christie will all be in attendance.

seance2

Anti-vax leader and serial killer Jeffrey John Aufderheide will be the keynote speaker at the emergency meeting

The emergency summit will commence on Saturday morning with a series of round table discussions on how to best deflect the criticism of nearly every sane person in the United States and carry on with the asinine policies that have loosed a once-eradicated disease on an unsuspecting public.

The discussions will be followed up with a gala dance featuring West African witch doctors and shamans on loan from obscure Brazilian rain forest tribes.

Late Saturday night, VIP guests will be treated to a gathering where famous medium and charlatan John Edward MaGee Jr. will conduct a séance in an attempt to reach long-dead anti-intellectuals and enemies of science to seek their advice in averting a catastrophe for “The Cause.”

lizardpeople

Aufderheide has repeatedly warned visitors to his website that lizard people from outer space are attempting to take over our planet

Mr. MaGee will enter the “spirit world” and try to speak with such revered personalities as Puritan John Cotton, Chairman Mao of China, various former leaders of the Spanish Inquisition, and most importantly, leader of the Cambodian Khmer Rouge guerrillas, Pol-Pot.

“We’d like to get some advice on just how we can keep this dumb ass anti-vaccination movement going,” said Jenny McCarthy, president of the Vapid Blonde Models Society. “I’d really like to get in touch with General Fransisco Franco of Spain to get some advice on how we could initiate our very own ‘White Terror’ campaign. After all, I think we can all agree that intellectuals and scientists are Public Enemy #1 in this country.”

chrischristie3

Anti-vax leaders invited New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to attend the summit in hopes that the gravitational field that surrounds him will attract long dead personalities from the spirit world to their fucked up seance

Jeffrey John Aufderheide agreed with McCarthy saying: “We have to nip this criticism in the bud. Most of it is coming from alien lizard people from outer space posing as cable TV pundits anyway. If we don’t find some way to stop this invasion from Planet 10, the earth is doomed.”

Most pundits believe that the summit meeting has a snowball’s chance in hell of stemming the tide of criticism for the anti-vax crowd. “Even the mentally deficient American public has enough sense to see the logic in protecting our kids from the ravages of preventable diseases,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News.

 

Even in California the tide seems to be turning against the dunderheads in the anti-vax crowd. State politicians from both sides of the aisle are proposing legislation to join 32 other states in limiting exemptions for childhood vaccinations.

“We’ve got to get a grip on things before these morons fuck things up for the rest of us,” said California State Senator Richard Pan, a pediatrician from the 6th District. “If these idiots don’t want to vaccinate their kids, fine. Let them live in total isolation from the rest of us. The nitwits don’t make any valuable contribution to society anyway. Fuck ’em!”

 

 

 

“Typhoid” Tillis Shocks Supporters By Refusing To Wash His Hands Before Devouring An Infant At Fundraiser

Posted in humor, politics by

Thom-Tillis-is-Pro-Life

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (CT&P) – Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) shocked a group of his supporters last night at a fundraiser in Lizard Lick, just outside of Raleigh. The fundraiser was held Joe Bob’s Pit Barbecue, a fine dining establishment famous for its pulled pork plates, lip-smacking ribs, and tender smoked toddler.

In an apparent attempt to make a point about deregulation of hand-washing requirements for restaurants,Tillis refused to wash his hands before devouring a newborn child fresh out of the smoker.

“The government has no business telling me how clean and sanitary I ought to be,” said Tillis, as he chewed on the tasty infant. “It’s high time we got public officials out of the business of public health!”

Supporters and employees stared in disbelief as he continued to consume the child before having made sure his hands were clean.

cannibals

Senator Tillis’ next fundraising stop is at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina

“I could not believe my eyes,” said Myrtle Mulesweat from Bat Cave. “I would never eat a baby without first washing my hands. It’s disgusting!”

Billy Bob Bullsmegma of Syphilis Falls agreed: “He shore as hell ain’t gettin’ my vote no more. We may not have ‘lectric at my cabin but we always go down to the crick and wash up before dinner. Otherwise Mama would tan our hides!”

Tillis stirred up controversy earlier in the week by recounting a story from 2010.

“I was having a discussion with someone, and we were at a Starbucks in my district, and we were talking about certain regulations where I felt like ‘maybe you should allow businesses to opt out,'” he said. When the conversation turned to restaurant regulations, Tillis recalled saying, “I don’t have any problem with Starbucks if they choose to opt out of this policy as long as they post a sign that says ‘We don’t require our employees to wash their hands after leaving the restroom.’ The market will take care of that. It’s one example.”

Since recounting this exchange Tillis has become the butt of jokes all over the internet and television, but he has taken all the criticism in stride.

“I firmly believe that people have the right to be as filthy as they want, and that goes for whoever is serving you your food as well,” said Tillis. “The free market will take care of it, just like it does in West Africa. You don’t see a bunch of stormtrooper health officials interfering with people’s lives over there, no sir!”

Tillis’ next fundraiser is scheduled to be held at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, owned and managed by Norman Dahmer. Norm’s specialty dish is human heart tartare.

Carnival Cruise Lines Announces Ebola Virus To Be Added To Water Supply Aboard Select Vessels

Posted in entertainment, health and fitness, health care, humor by
cruisecarnival

Ebola will be added to the drinking water supply of Ecstasy’s sister ship the Agony beginning in early 2015

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held in Miami last night, Carnival Cruise Lines announced that a particularly virulent strain of the Ebola virus will be added to the toxic cocktail of viruses, bacteria, medical waste, and spent nuclear fuel rods already present in the holding tanks of some of its ships.

The virus will be added first to Carnival’s Survivor Class of vessels that have become so popular with doomsday preppers, Alaskan homesteaders, survivalists, and other nuts who want to test their mettle against whatever nature has to throw at them.

cruiseship

Carnival’s Survivor Class vessels are often older and have few of the amenities available aboard their other ships

The line of Survivor Class vessels consist mostly of older, barely seaworthy ships that have little or no medical support staff. They normally travel five to seven days out of Miami to a deserted island populated only with Komodo dragons and huge vampire bats that dwell deep within the island’s extensive underground cave complex.

Passengers are treated to free food and drink on the way out while being exposed to a wide variety of deadly pathogens and an unusually high level of ionizing radiation emanating from spent nuclear fuel rods stored in the hull of each ship. The passengers are then dumped on the island with the only medical care provided by a witch doctor and two cannibal nurses from New Guinea. Those who survive for a week or longer are then picked up and transported back to the mainland where they are given various awards at a gala party on South Beach.

zombies

After a week on the desert island, whose whereabouts remain a mystery, most passengers are eager to be reunited with loved ones on the mainland. One passenger described the adventure as a trip to a “dystopian hellscape.” “It was like visiting Florida during an election,” he said.

Carnival’s spokesman Captain William Bligh told reporters that the company will monitor the results of the additional virus before adding it to Carnival’s remaining ships, which are already teeming with waterborne pathogens such as the Norwalk virus, E. coli, Clostridium botulinum, and Salmonella typhi, just to name a few.

“We want to build on the success we had last year when we introduced Enterobius vermicularis to our Disney Class vessels, which cater to families with kids,” said Captain Bligh. “As you know E. vermicularis causes peri-anal itching, hyperactivity, nervous irritability, and insomnia. It was a big hit with our customers who want to educate their kids about what life has in store for them.”

The cruise line is currently in negotiation with a group of renegade ex-Soviet scientists and is hopeful that weaponized anthrax, smallpox, and bubonic plague can be added to the toxic sludge now present in the water supply of their beautiful ships.

 

 

White House Appoints Brick Top New Surgeon General

Posted in health care, humor, politics by

Brick-Top-Snatch-1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a meeting with health officials at the White House this morning, President Obama has announced that Brick Top will be appointed to assume the post of Surgeon General of the United States.

The last appointee, Dr. Vivek Murthy, failed to be confirmed by Congress after a smear campaign organized by the NRA and right-wing propaganda outlets such as Fox News. However, the White House apparently feels that Brick Top will sail through the confirmation process because he has files on every member of Congress and knows “where the bodies are buried.”

bricktop12

Brick Top told reporters he had been “taken aback” by the poor quality of Ebola reporting on cable outlets. “In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary…come again? Did you guys even pass a 6th grade science class?”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that Brick Top was chosen because of his innate ability “to get things done in a timely and efficient manner, regardless of the situation.”

“Brick Top knows how to cut through red tape…and flesh and bone for that matter,” said Earnest. “The President is frankly sick to death of all the hysteria being spread by imbecile pundits on cable outlets regarding the Ebola situation, and he wanted to appoint someone who could silence the critics and put this thing to bed.”

“Did you know there is even a conspiracy theory making the rounds that the CDC is lying to the public regarding transmission of the disease? I tell you guys, there is no shortage of stupid in this country. After he takes care of this crisis, the President is thinking of putting Brick Tip in charge of a complete overhaul of the Department of Education so we can at least come up to Third World standards.”

After Earnest was finished Brick Top came to the podium to make a few remarks.

“I want everyone in this room to understand who is in charge now,” said Brick Top. “I don’t want any criticism from you or your ilk about my methods or how the CDC is handling this matter. If I hear one more muttonheaded story on Fox News or CNN, I can assure you that you will be paid a visit by one of my boys. For you new guys, crossing me will win you a tour of my pig farm.”

bricktop13

Brick Top made it quite clear that anyone trumpeting any more hysterical conspiracy theories would be a “guest of honor” at his pig farm in rural Maryland

The new Surgeon General then gave a detailed description of just what a tour of his pig farm meant…

“You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.

For the first time in history there were no follow-up questions from the White House Press Corps.

 

Feds Advise Potential Ebola Victims To Avoid Contracting The Disease In Dallas

Posted in health care, humor, politics by

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Director of the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta Dr. Tom Frieden advised anyone who was thinking of contracting Ebola to do so “just about anywhere other than Dallas.”

Dr. Frieden addressed the press while on a lunch break at a Mexican restaurant on Buford Highway.

“I would like to strongly advise those who are considering exposing themselves to blood, feces, or any bodily fluid from an Ebola patient to do so in Atlanta or in another major city that has competent medical personnel,” said Frieden. “If I were thinking of contracting the disease I would definitely steer clear of Texas in general and Dallas in particular.”

rick-perry-confused

Dr. Frieden advised Americans that if they planned to contract Ebola to at least do it in a state where the governor can find his ass with both hands.

When asked why he was issuing the warning, Dr. Frieden slammed a bean burrito down his gullet and replied, “Look, those idiots in Dallas were the ones who let that dude run around the city unchecked for days before he was hospitalized. They also don’t seem to be able to follow simple protocol or safety measures. They are currently 0-1 when it comes to fighting the virus, and we here in Atlanta are so far 2-0 on the season. Who would you rather have treating you?”

Dr. Frieden was also asked about Bill O’Reilly’s demand that he should resign in disgrace because of the current panic over Ebola’s appearance in the U.S.

“That pompous cretin represents the very people who cut our funding almost 50% and then he has the balls to turn around and criticize us for something that, given the anemic response to the outbreak, was inevitable. He is the very definition of a horse’s ass. Can you imagine what it would be like to work for that asshole? I feel sorry for the bastards who have to tolerate him on a daily basis. I’d rather be exposed to smallpox.”

Dr. Frieden went on to say that he “would resign just as soon as O’Reilly receives a degree in epidemiology”, which given the Fox News pundit’s low IQ, would be sometime shortly after hell freezes over.

 

 

 

gov can’t find ass with both hands