Tag Archives: reince priebus

Republican Party To Unify Behind Exciting New Racist

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ryantrump

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Paul Ryan and Donald Trump released a joint statement today meant to signal their unity following a two-hour meeting on Capitol Hill.

The statement from the presumptive GOP presidential nominee and House Speaker said the two had a “great conversation” and that they were honest over their “few differences” during two hours of meetings on Thursday.

“We will be having additional discussions, but remain confident there’s a great opportunity to unify our party and win this fall, and we are totally committed to working together to achieve that goal,” the joint statement said.
It fell short of an endorsement of Trump by Ryan, who shocked many Republicans a week ago by saying he was not yet ready to get in line behind the man expected to clinch the GOP nomination in coming weeks.
“I’m not quite willing to endorse yet, but I’m sure we can reach some sort of agreement that will allow me to put my core principles aside and get behind this buffoon that the Republican base has decided will be our standard-bearer,” said a nervous looking Ryan.
“After all, what really matters is power.”
Senator Jeff Sessions of what is left of the State of Alabama agreed, saying “I’m excited to have a new and charismatic racist leading our party. He’s brought in hundreds of thousands of new bigots, misogynists and xenophobic kooks into our party, and with his help we can turn back the clock decades, maybe even a century. Together we can make sure no negro ever holds the office of president again. It’s an exciting time to be alive.”
As of this morning no new Republican leaders have endorsed Trump, but most pundits believe that it’s only a matter of time before most members of the GOP put aside their core beliefs, decency and common sense and rally behind the giant orange colon rodent for president.

Priebus Still Unable To Locate His Testicles

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reince1

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has still not found his testicles, according to a report released from the Associated Press this morning.

“We’ve pulled out all the stops to try find his scrotum,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “I  mean we’ve looked everywhere. At first we thought the Democrats had stolen them, then we searched the offices of everyone in the Freedom Caucus. We even asked the FBI and CIA for help. But so far, no results.”

According to a press release from the RNC, Priebus’ testicles have been missing since last fall, when it became apparent that Donald Trump would be a real contender in the race for the Republican nomination. Without them, Priebus has been powerless to do anything to prevent the GOP from being taken over by a neo-fascist lunatic bent on destroying the Party and the country as a whole.

“It’s getting really frustrating,” said the aide. “Some of us are beginning to think the asshole had no balls to begin with.”

Priebus has vowed to continue the search as long as he is chairman, which won’t be long if things continue as they have been.

GOP To Offer Michigan Governor Rick Snyder As Human Sacrifice As Part Of Stop Trump Campaign

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rick-snyder-1

 

LANSING – (CT&P) – The RNC has announced that it will be offering Governor Rick Snyder of Michigan as a human sacrifice to the Republican patron saint, the demon Balthazar, in a last-ditch effort to stop Donald Trump from getting the GOP nomination for president.

Chairman of the RNC Reince Pribus told Fox News that he hoped that Balthazar would intercede on the GOP’s behalf and convince Lucifer that Trump would destroy the party and the country as well if he were elected.

“The Republican Party has had a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Our Lord Satan, and we feel sure that the Prince of Darkness will hear our plea and send a swarm of locusts to eat Donald Trump alive or some such thing,” said Priebus, as he donned a black robe and removed a set of stilettos from a glass case.

“We realize that Mephistopheles almost always supports fascist candidates, and that’s one reason we’ve done so well in recent years. But we feel that Trump speaks a little too honestly about our goals and ideals and could wreck our long-term plans.”

The chairman said that a date for the ritual had not yet been set, but the method and location had already been determined.

“We plan on nailing Snyder to a cross in the town square in Flint and letting him hang there for a few hours before slowly lowering him into a vat of molten lead,” said Priebus.

“We plan on inviting the media and making it a family friendly event with hot dogs and ice cream for the kids. We’ve also made sure that there will be plenty of bottled water on hand so none of our supporters will have to drink that poisonous sludge all those poor folks have to drink on a daily basis,” Priebus chuckled.

 

 

 

 

Robby The Robot To Run For Republican Nomination

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robbytherobot

ALTAIR IV – (CT&P) – Minutes after hearing that Rick Perry had jumped in the race for the Republican nomination for president in 2016, Robby the Robot announced he was joining the race as well. At a press conference this morning held outside Dr. Morbius’ home on the “Forbidden Planet,” Robby told reporters that he was joining the approximately three dozen other Republicans in the race for the White House.

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Commander John Adams and his sometime girlfriend Altaira, both Democrats, were shocked and dismayed by Robby’s announcement. “He’s smarter than the rest of those idiots put together and stands a real chance of being elected,” said Adams.

“If that moron Rick Perry can run, then so can a fucking robot,” said Robby. “I possess about 100 times the computing power of Rick Perry’s brain, and have a far deeper grasp of the complicated problems that the earth faces in the 21st century.”

This marks the first time Robby has delved into politics. In the past he’s been content to do menial chores around the cosmic outpost and occasionally fight off “monsters from the Id.”

“My experience battling unseen forces of evil from the depths of the human subconscious makes me uniquely suited to defend America from foreign threats. I plan to set up force fields along the Mexican border that will instantly vaporize any Central American kids that want to invade and steal all of our minimum wage jobs,” said Robby.

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Robby is said to have discussed his political plans with his good friend from the other side of the aisle John Kerry

“Furthermore, I’m going to use my energy weapons to pulverize ISIS and turn Iran into a worthless pile of fused glass. After that, I’ll turn my attention to domestic issues and get on with the process of denying black people the vote and doing away with these silly attempts to provide poor people with affordable health care.

“I’m what America needs! A ruthlessly logical machine that is devoid of empathy and compassion. I hope you’ll consider voting for me. I’ll be available for questions when I arrive on earth in 2.5 light years. Thank you.”

Although Robby is little more than a right-wing pile of circuit breakers and transistors, Republican leaders have said that he stands as good a chance as any to seize the nomination.

“Considering our current lineup of fruitcakes, dunderheads, and religious kooks, anything could happen,” said RNC Chairman Reince “Beavis” Priebus.

 

Entire Republican Party To Run For President

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graham

Flanked by members of the Republican Sturmabteilung, Lindsey Graham announced his candidacy today. He will be one of roughly one million candidates for the Republican nomination.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince “Beavis” Priebus announced this morning that all members of the Republican Party, both living and dead, will be invited to run for President of the United States in the upcoming 2016 race.

“We’re desperately trying to find someone, anyone, who can defeat Hillary,” Priebus said during an appearance on Fox and Friends, a morning talk show co-hosted by three of the dumbest hominids to ever walk the earth.

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Priebus said that even illiterate Tea Baggers would be welcome to join in the race for the White House. “The more the merrier,” said Priebus.

“This was not an easy decision,” said Priebus, as the three dimwitted bipeds stared dully back at the monitor, “but you’ve all seen our current lineup of religious kooks, homophobes, and fear mongering dunderheads. They’re a disaster waiting to happen.”

“We had to do something drastic because the GOP has become synonymous with those who wish to deny health care to the poor, control women’s reproductive organs, deny equal rights to homosexuals, and crush the oppressed classes beneath the heels of their corporate jackboots.”

“So we’re suspending the usual requirements and opening up the race to any member of the Republican Party who has any type of higher brain function. Granted, that counts a lot of us out, but I still think we could have a million or so party members competing for the nomination.”

Priebus told the nitwits on Fox that the logistics of getting all one million candidates into the same building for a debate would have to be ironed out later.

GOP Candidates Vow To Ban Early Voting If Elected

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Black-Vote

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Alarmed by the number of Democrats taking advantage of early voting across the country, a coalition of GOP politicians and candidates running for office in this year’s midterms have vowed to end early voting in future elections in the United States. The coalition, known as STOP (Suppress Those Other People from Voting) was formed because blacks and other minorities take advantage of early voting in disproportionate numbers.

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GOP leaders have long insisted that white heterosexual males with an annual income over $75,000 should be the only humans allowed to vote in the United States

Rick Scott, governor of Florida and ancient Aztec snake god, is chairman of the new coalition. He told Fox News that “We Republicans would much prefer that these people were unable to vote at all, but if we are going to let them express their views then by God they can vote on the same day us white folks do. I’ve tried my best to keep black folks and poor people out of the voting booth by signing draconian voter ID laws in the past, but it’s just not enough. We have to make a stand!”

Texas Governor Rick Perry agreed with Scott.

“I just don’t know what these Messicans and negras are thinking about,” said Perry. “You would think that they would get the message and behave themselves. Hell, we execute one every week down here!”

Perry was not finished, and took the concept of voter suppression one step further.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry told Fox News anchor and giant horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly that “If these blacks and Hispanics don’t start behavin’ and votin’ the right way, well then we just might have to shoot ’em.”

“We Texans in the GOP are concerned about the minority vote, but what really puts a burr under our saddle is the number of women who have abandoned the Republican Party,” said Perry.  “I just don’t understand it. We already showed ’em how much we love and respect ’em by taking away their reproductive rights. I guess if they can’t do what their husbands command like the Bible says, then we’ll just have to repeal the 19th Amendment and leave the voting to white males, as long as they are heterosexual of course.”

Although pleased with the archaic views held by the exclusively white male GOP leadership, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus expressed concern over the apparent revulsion that minorities and enlightened women feel when they consider the Republican Party.

“It’s a mystery to all of us here at the RNC. I mean, we’ve talked about it and all of us have provided jobs for minorities in the past,” said Priebus.”Every single party we’ve had has featured black waitstaff. We’ve had black maids, gay hair stylists, and Hispanic gardeners. You would think that they would be grateful. Furthermore, we Republicans have always supported a woman’s right to choose to do exactly what we white men want. I just don’t get it.”