GOP Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson Declared Legally Insane

Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate and well-known kook Dr. Ben Carson was declared legally insane this morning by a judge in Michigan, Carson’s home state. The judge relied on evidence given by physicians from Johns Hopkins Hospital and testimony from individuals close to the Carson campaign.

Carson’s speech to the RNC’s winter meeting outside San Diego last Thursday seems to have been the tipping point that forced aides, Republican operatives, and loved ones to take action.

In the speech, Carson compared ISIS militants to American patriots who took up arms against the British during the Revolutionary War.

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Dr. Carson made the oddball comments while addressing the RNC winter meeting in San Diego, California

“A bunch of rag-tag militiamen defeated the most powerful and professional military force on the planet,” said the unhinged neurosurgeon. “Why? Because they believed in what they were doing. They were willing to die for what they believed in. Fast forward to today. What do we have? You’ve got ISIS. They’ve got the wrong philosophy, but they’re willing to die for it while we are busily giving away every belief and every value for the sake of political correctness. We have to change that.”

Later in the speech, Carson compared Nazi SS troops to the Salvation Army and the Shining Path guerrillas to civil rights protestors in the 1960’s. Carson went on to compare Adolph Hitler to Abraham Lincoln and Pol Pot to John F. Kennedy. “You really have to admire these people for their willingness to do whatever it takes to achieve the objective,” said a sweating, trembling Dr. Carson.

“This is just one in a long series of weird, disjointed ideas emerging from Dr. Carson’s damaged brain,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey. “We’re really not sure if his mental condition is due to environmental pollutants or a series of mild strokes. We think that the damage has been done over the last decade or so, because it would be almost impossible for someone this wacked-out to make it through medical school.”

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Dr. Carson is one of those fruitcakes that believes the earth is only 6000 years old and Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark. “He’s one crazy motherfucker,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute

Dr. Carson continues to insist ad nauseam that he is “completely rational and perfectly sane.” He has appeared to protest his abuse by the “liberal media” on several Fox News programs such as the O’Reilly Factor, a right-wing apologist show that is a favorite in whites-only nursing homes across the United States.

“Well of course the dude is going claim he’s sane and everything is a liberal conspiracy,” said Dr. Black. “When was the last time you heard a psychopath tell you he was nuts and danger to society? I mean, this guy thinks the earth is 6000 years old, Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark, and America is the modern incarnation of Nazi Germany. He’s a fucking freak!”

Dr. Carson will be placed in McClean Mental Hospital in Boston for a minimum of one month while he undergoes further testing and observation. The staff there has already arranged for a series of town hall-style debates between him and Secretary of State John Kerry, who was admitted only last week. The debates will no doubt be wildly entertaining, considering the fact that one guy is a goofball and the other a raving lunatic. The debates will be moderated by Vice President Joe Biden, who is the only person on the planet fully qualified to understand the two men.

An aide to Dr. Carson told the Washington Post that the decision to place the Tea Party favorite in a mental hospital would in no way affect his candidacy for the presidency. “Since when has being legally insane been a problem for GOP candidates? We have just as good a chance at the nomination as any of those other wing nuts.”

Jesus Distances Himself From State Lawmakers

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ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly outside the Roma Convention Centre and Exhibition Hall to talk to reporters today regarding the irritating rash of “Religious Freedom Restoration” acts sweeping the country in recent weeks. It seems the Messiah is more than a little irritated with right-wing lawmakers in state houses across America.

“I’d just like to say that these so-called ‘religious freedom acts’ are no more than thinly veiled attempts by pseudo Christians to codify their bigotry and hatred into law,” said the Son of God. “If these people can’t serve homosexuals or gay couples in their various businesses because it offends their so-called ‘faith’, then that faith is not worth a hoot in Hell.”

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This year Jesus brought his Messiahraptor with him in order to avoid another terrible experience trying to hail a taxi in convention traffic

“These talking monkey politicians should be a little bit more interested in helping their fellow humans in any way they can rather than telling others who the hell they can sleep with and marry,” said the Prince of Peace. “If you cretins think that Dad and I sit up there and scrutinize every action you people take down here and worry about your damn sexual preferences, well then you’ve got another thing coming. We’ve got slightly better things to do. After all, we manage the entire universe for Heaven’s sake. Who the hell do you think we are, the NSA?”

“Let me make this clear for about the millionth time in 2000 years: I don’t like bigots, racists, homophobes, or assholes in general. I already have to take a fist full of antacids every day to get over the nausea caused by the actions you cretins take in my name. Please start behaving yourselves or prepare to suffer the consequences. I made a brief visit to Hell myself a while back, and believe me, Lucifer has plenty of room for all you miscreants!”

“Now you’ll have to excuse me because I’ve got to mosey on over to the Vatican so I can jerk a knot in Francis’ tail regarding the limits of free speech. You people just wear my ass out sometimes.”

The Lord of Light and Lamb of God was in town promoting the new Birkenstock line of “Wandering Zealot” sandals at the 2015 Saints and Prophets New Product Expo held annually at the Roma Convention Centre. He is expected to leave on Sunday after Mass, and as usual no one knows when he will be coming back.

 

Cretonia’s Finest On ‘High Alert’ In Wake Of Paris Attacks

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.

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Members of the Walton County Hostage Rescue Squad drill just outside city hall in downtown Defuniak Springs

SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.

Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.

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Bay County Sheriff R. W. Scotum told Action News in Panama City that his men were ready for anything. “Ain’t nothing gettin’ past my boys,” said Scrotum. “I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let ’em institute Sharina law in my hometown!”

Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.

“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.

Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.

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Members of the Bay County Drug Task Force undergo remedial survival training at the Jungle Warfare School in the swamps east of Ebro Dog Track

“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”

In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”

An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.

 

Birmingham City Football Club To Change Nickname

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BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND (CT&P) – The Birmingham City Football Club has announced that it will be changing its nickname from “The Blues” to “The Mullahs” in order to better reflect the religious makeup of the town and its supporters.

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Birmingham City manager Gary Rowettallah thinks the name change is a “win-win” for both the club and its radical Islamist fan base.

The club is a professional association football club based in the city of Birmingham, England. They compete in the Football League Championship, the second tier of league football in England. Formed in 1875 as Small Heath Alliance, they became Small Heath in 1888, then Birmingham in 1905. They finally changed their names to Birmingham City in 1943, so they are no strangers to name changes. However, this is the first time the club has seen fit to change its nickname.

“I think the ownership believed it was time to more accurately reflect the cultural makeup of the city, the club, and its fans,” said Amir Gary Abhib Rowettallah, the club’s manager. “We also think that it could help us to intimidate teams coming here to play from predominantly Christian areas throughout England and Wales.”

The owners also have plans for a new stadium to be built on the current site of Birmingham Cathedral, which will be bulldozed this spring to make way for a new state of the art facility dubbed “New Mecca.”

The team’s new slogan will be “Keep Right On Killing.”

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Rowdy Blues fans celebrate outside St Andrews after Saturday’s 3-1 victory over Wigan Athletic. After the proposed changes they’ll be able to bring their firearms into the stadium rather than having to check them at the gate.

Other changes include a new ordinance banning women from attending games, new goal celebrations featuring the firing of AK-47’s into the air, and gala halftime beheadings of infidels who wander into the city centre by mistake.

“I think it’s a win-win for the team and the fans,” said Rowettallah. “Plus, the new black on black uniforms with white Arabic script are really cool!”

However, not everyone is happy with the change. The current leader of the Church of England Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby commented, “This is what happens when immigration policy runs amok. It’s only a matter of time before we’re watching the Tottenham Terrorists versus the Southampton Sunnis on the telly. It’s a disgrace to all Christendom!”

Holy Trinity Goes On Crusade, Smites Infidels 3-1

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CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Barcelona reignited their title challenge on Sunday evening, as they produced a fine performance to secure a 3-1 victory over Atletico Madrid at the Nou Camp.

 

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Luis Suarez, patron saint of cannibals, scored the second goal and thus sealed the invading infidels’ fate.

In what was a typically physical encounter between two teams who have grown to loathe each other in recent times, the Prophet Neymar needed just 11 minutes to break the deadlock before Saint Suarez doubled the advantage soon after. Both were aided by the absolutely divine passing of Our Lord and Savior, Lionel Messi.

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The Messiah proved once again that he is the one true son of God by performing another series of miracles on the pitch.

 

The infidel Mario Mandzukic scored from the penalty spot after an official blasphemously charged the Messiah with an imaginary foul shortly after half-time to briefly bring the game back to life. However, the Prince of Pitch put a controversial week behind him in style as he rounded off an impressive individual display with a close-range finish that sealed the points.

 

 

The result means Barcelona are now just a point behind the unbelievers of Real Madrid at the top of the table, albeit having played a game more than their traditional rivals. Atletico remain three points further back.

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The Messiah’s miracles are not limited to the playing field, according to his companion Antonella Roccuzzo.

 

In a statement made from the Vatican, Pope Francis said that “this is yet another example of the power that the Lord our God has to smite our enemies and lead us down the road to eternal glory and eventual victory in La Liga.”

 

After the game eager fans were given the opportunity to show their appreciation by washing their Messiah’s blessed feet as he levitated 12 inches above the surface of the playing field. He then hit the showers and returned to his 50 million dollar temple on the outskirts of the city where he had a light dinner of escalivada before making sweet love to his smokin’ hot female companion, Antonella Roccuzzo.

In An Amazingly Stupid Statement, French President Tells Nation That Terrorist Acts “Have Nothing To Do With Muslim Religion”

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Paris (CT&P) – During an address to the nation earlier today, French President Francois Hollande told his countrymen that the actions of four filthy pig-dog Islamic fundamentalist nut jobs “had nothing to do with the Muslim religion.” Mr. Hollande made the statement with a straight face.

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Mr. Hollande’s sanity was quickly called into question shortly after he told his countrymen that the murders at Charlie Hebdo had nothing to do with Islam

The address to the nation was made shortly after French police and military units dispatched three of the terrorists in hail of gunfire and sent them on their journey to Hell.

Mr. Hollande was merely echoing the sentiments of heads of state and religious leaders around the world made over the past few days after 12 innocent people had their brains spilled on the floor of Charlie Hebdo, the satirical newspaper in Paris.

This high level of delusional behavior in our leaders has alarmed many experts in the field of mental health.

 

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At a press conference along the banks of the River Styx, Satan expressed his delight over the arrival of the scum-sucking Islamic pieces of shit

Dr. Frank Black, a psychoanalyst at the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey, told reporters that “These idiot politicians and pompous ass religious leaders started spouting all this bullshit about the “religion of peace” shortly after the 9/11 attacks. Hell, even George Bush said we were not at war with Islam. I think anyone who has been incinerated or disemboweled by a fucking suicide bomber or maniac with an AK-47 might disagree.”

“After all, these brainless cretins are not running around killing people screaming ‘Roll Tide or War Eagle, are they?” continued Black. “They’re yelling Allahu Akbar! Well, I’m here to tell you, God ain’t that great. I don’t see millions of Muslims lining up to mourn the employees of Charlie Hebdo. Hell, even the president of the Catholic League chastised the cartoonists! Until we human beings outgrow this obsession with living forever and following rules written by cave men, we are going to continue to murder each other in ever-growing numbers. Fuck!”

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Lucifer was so delighted over the arrival of the terrorist souls that he gave Pastor Fred Phelps the day off to greet them. Fred is seen here having a pineapple forced up his rectum by the demon Balthazar.

Although one terrorist apparently escaped capture even though she was surrounded by about a gazillion cops, Mr. Hollande told reporters that he was confident she would be captured. Hopefully this whore will also be torn apart by lead from fired from police machine guns. God forbid the French people have to pay for her food and lodging for the  rest of her natural life.

 

By the way, odds makers in Las Vegas will give you one chance in a million that the dirty, filthy bitch is not a Muslim.

 

Charlie Hebdo Solidarity Signage Ignites Wave Of Protest Across Bible Belt

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As the world mourns the loss of 12 more innocents in the civilized world’s battle with a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist bipedal turds, the signage used by Parisians to show their solidarity with Charlie Hebdo ignited a firestorm of ignorance across the Bible Belt today.

Evangelical leaders across the United States but particularly in the southeast called for a ban on the use of Jesus’ name on placards and posters used by those wishing to stand up for liberty and freedom of speech in Europe.

charlie2“We just can’t stand by and watch as the Lord’s name is taken in vain,” said Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. “I am a great supporter of free speech as long as it agrees with whatever hatred I happen to spewing at the time, but this is taking it a little too far. Besides, them Mooslims aren’t all bad. They have a few good ideas, like executing homosexuals and keeping women in their place.”

Pat Robertson droned on and on during his 700 Club broadcast this morning about how the attack on Hebdo was a disgrace but using “Our Savior’s name” on posters was far worse. He warned his over 250 viewers that it would cause a new series of earthquakes and tidal waves in the Caribbean and elsewhere across the globe.

Perhaps the most interesting response came from Michele Bachmann, who ran to the nearest microphone to blame President Obama for both the attack and the signage. “This is a direct result of our socialist emperor Barack Obama not taking my advice to nuke Tehran over the Christmas holidays. Now, instead of having the Ten Commandments in every school and courthouse across America, we have those damn Frenchies carrying around blasphemous posters that say ‘Jesus Charlie!'”

When told about the reaction French President Francois Hollande said “I really don’t know what to say. Sometimes I curse my forefathers for ever helping those idiots gain their independence.”

Constipated Prophet Orders Attack On Newspaper By Mistake

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PARIS (CT&P) – The attack earlier today on the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo that killed 12 people was apparently the last in a series of foul ups and snafus committed by the Prophet Muhammad during his yearly vacation in Paris this week.

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An artist’s rendering of the Prophet is being circulated in Paris so that anyone who sees the bloodthirsty bastard can phone authorities immediately.

According to the bloodthirsty demigod’s press secretary Abdul-Aziz Cornhollah Habib Lulu Maalik Skyhook, which loosely translated means “The One Who Does Not Bathe,” the attack was supposed to target Le Lonesome Camel, a restaurant just down the street from the newspaper.

It seems the Prophet became extremely agitated when, while dining at the restaurant last night, the staff mistakenly served him a meat pie which was loaded with processed pork products. According to Skyhook, the tourtière in question was supposed to be “pork and gluten-free” in order to adhere to the strict dietary guidelines published in the Prophet’s latest cookbook, How to Feed a Cave Full of Subhuman Terrorists on $10.00 a Day, first published in 2002.

However, the owner of the restaurant, retired Formula One driver Alain Prost, told reporters that the Islamic killing machine had “only himself to blame” for his irritable bowels because the Prophet insisted on ordering in French, like so many other idiot foreigners who vacation in Paris.

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France’s ace detective Inspector Jacques Clouseau has been assigned the case and expects apprehend the “foul-smelling camel jockeys” tout suite!

“At first the dimwit ordered a goat with a football stuffed up its ass,” said Prost. “He had to try five times before he actually ordered something on the menu. His server tried to warn him that the tourtière had pork in it, but the pompous ass would not listen. I’m surprised he’s able to speak any French at all. After all, the only language other Arabic that he hears are the screams coming from his follower’s victims.”

The Prophet became even more agitated when he went outside to discover that his dinner party’s camels had all been ticketed for parking in a loading zone. Apparently he ordered the attack later that night.

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Author Reza Aslan, who continues to insist he is not gay, is one of the few public figures to come to the terrorists’ defense. “These guys are just misunderstood,” said Aslan. “Islam is a religion of peace and this activity is perfectly normal. I mean, who can honestly say that they have not thought about murdering innocent people for the slightest of insults? I know I have.”

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau, who has been assigned the task of bringing the filthy subhuman Islamic slime to justice, told reporters at L’Express that what happened was that the geographically challenged religious fanatic gave his henchmen the wrong address.

“You would think that the terrorists would have realized that they were not attacking the restaurant they had just dined in only hours earlier, but you have to remember that we’re dealing with a bunch of savages that want to return the world to the 9th Century. I’m amazed they were even able to operate the nav system on the Hertz rental car they used.”

Although most politicians and religious leaders around the world are denouncing the attack, some apologists for Islam are defending the actions of the blessed, sacred, but not-so-intelligent Prophet.

Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth and No god but god: The Origins, Evolution, and Future of Islam, told the New York Times that these types of attacks are to be expected when one dares to insult a Muslim by accidentally serving him the wrong entrée.

“I can understand the Prophet’s actions. I once considered sawing off the heads of everyone in a Shoney’s Big Boy after smelling bacon on the breakfast bar while I was trying to enjoy my sheep testicle soufflé. Ignorant infidels in the west need to be considerate of Islamic tradition, no matter how asinine and Neolithic it may be.”

The offices of the Cretonia Times-Picayune are located on Savannah Road in Murphy, North Carolina. The editor in chief and sole proprietor of the wildly successful online newspaper, Jerry Dickerson, cordially invites anyone not happy with the views and opinions expressed in this article to jump on the nearest camel and “come try that shit up here.”

White Republican Leaders Defend Fellow White Republican Leader For Defending White Rights At White Supremacist Meeting Attended By White Republicans

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WASHINGTON (CT&P) – House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who is technically a white person, is vigorously supporting House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA), another white person, as he faces a deluge of criticism and questions over a 2002 speech he gave to a white supremacist group.

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Although his skin is a bright orange color most of the time, Speaker Boehner is in fact a white man who is a strong supporter of wealthy white people and their business interests

“More than a decade ago, Representative Scalise made an error in judgment. He was not secretive enough in his support of white supremacists in his state. Like many of my colleagues on our side of the aisle, I know Steve to be a man of high integrity and good character, who will stand up for the rights of wealthy white people all across this great country of ours. He has my full confidence as our Whip, and he will continue to do great and important work for all white Americans,” Boehner said in statement made today outside the “Stars and Bars,” a swanky whites-only supper club in Georgetown.

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who is also white, is standing by Scalise as well.

“Congressman Scalise acknowledged he made a mistake and has condemned himself for being so dumb,” McCarthy said in a statement released moments after Boehner’s. “I’ve known him as a friend for many years and I know that he is much smarter than he appears. I know that if he could do it all over again, he would have insisted that the speaking engagement be held at night in some field using only torches for lighting. That way no one else would have known about it.”

The show of support from GOP leaders came as Scalise has found himself under fire for being a guest speaker at a 2002 meeting of the European-American Unity and Rights Organization, a group founded by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. A Louisiana political blogger unearthed evidence of Scalise’s presence at the rally, and from there the news went viral.

Scalise, who was a state lawmaker at the time, maintains that he spoke to any groups who would give him any money whatsoever and says he didn’t know that EURO was affiliated with racists and neo-Nazi activists.

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Scalise told Reuters that the lighting in the auditorium was “really, really, bad” and he had no idea that the “dudes in sheets” were white supremacists

“Twelve years ago, I spoke to many different Louisiana groups as a state representative, trying to build support for legislation that focused on cutting government handouts to black people and half breeds, eliminating government corruption that did not benefit big business, and stopping tax hikes on the white majority. One of the many groups that I spoke to regarding this critical legislation was a group of folks wearing swastikas and white hoods. I want to stress that I had no idea that they were Nazis or members of the Ku Klux Klan. Had I known they were members of any white supremacist groups, I would have been much more circumspect with my support. It was a mistake I regret, and I want everyone to know that I emphatically oppose any groups that would divide the white majority and thus hurt my chances of re-election,” said Scalise.

He continued, “As a Christian, these groups hold views that are vehemently opposed to my own personal faith, and I reject any kind of hateful bigotry except the kind that keeps desperate Hispanic kids on the Mexican side of the border and prevents homosexuals from enjoying the same civil rights as straight Americans. Those who know me best know I have always been passionate about helping, serving, and fighting for every white family that I represent. And I will continue to do so.”

Duke described Scalise as “a pretty nice guy” and “a family man” and “very white” in a Monday night interview with The Huffington Post. He also said it seemed a bit strange that Scalise — who had a friendly relationship with Duke’s campaign manager Kenny Knight, the EURO event’s organizer — claims he didn’t know what the group’s message was about.

“It would seem to me that the son of bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and this is just another example of the white GOP leadership not having the guts to stand up for what they believe in,” said Duke.

A Christmas Miracle

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In what many are calling a Christmas miracle, Charlton Heston appeared out of nowhere this morning on the beaches of northwest Florida. Heston was on horseback and was accompanied by a scantily clad mute female who many believe was Mary Magdalene or possibly even the Virgin Mary.

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Heston screamed and writhed on the sand for hours in front of curious onlookers who had woken up early to enjoy free beer and hot dogs before the wet elf costume contest at the Spinnaker.

For hours Heston galloped up and down the beaches berating the native population for re-electing the ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott as their governor.

“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” screamed Heston.

For many decades Heston has been an icon of the right and a huge supporter of the NRA. However, Heston’s support of marriage equality and his objections to oppressive new voter ID laws has recently put him at odds with the GOP leadership in Florida. Heston pumped a great deal of cash and effort into Charlie Crist’s campaign and was apparently frustrated that the citizens of Florida have once again chosen a “false idol” to worship for four more years.

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Although a famous icon of the right, Heston has long supported marriage equality.

“You idiots,” yelled Heston, “what is it about snake gods and golden calves that turns you people on so much?”

Heston then jumped off his horse and made a huge display of tearing up his Florida voter ID card and throwing it on the sands of “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

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After several hours of marching up and down the beach hurling epithets at Cretonians of all ages, Heston turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, and rode off.

“The Lord Our God will kick your ass for this travesty!” said Heston. He then turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, jumped back on his horse and rode off.

Most pundits believe that Heston’s temper tantrum will have little effect on Florida politics, and the state will remain a “Forbidden Zone” for many years to come. Political pundit Barry Edwards told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that “This whole region is like a vast wasteland of intelligence. It’s gonna take one hell of a lot more than a Christmas miracle to fix this God-forsaken state. We might as well lift off and nuke the entire site from orbit-it’s the only way to be sure.”