Tag Archives: religion

Satan Strenously Denies Homosexuality Claims

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satan44

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Speaking during a press conference he called while attending the Value Voters Summit this weekend in Washington, D.C., Lucifer, Prince of Darkness and Lord of the Underworld, flatly denied accusations that he was in fact gay.

The press conference was apparently called in response to Pastor Dwight McKissic’s claims made during a speech on Saturday.

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Although he usually lurks in the shadows, Lucifer made his presence known at the conference because felt that his public support would give it a boost

During the hate-filled speech aimed at America’s gay community, the insecure and gluttonous McKissic called the gay rights movement a “Satanic” effort birthed “from the pit of Hell itself,” before suggesting “the Antichrist himself may be homosexual.”

McKissic has made news before with wild and idiotic statements, like claiming that Hurricane Katrina was “the wrath of God descended on New Orleans as payment for its many sins.” Pastor McKissic did not reveal why God waited so long to act, since New Orleans has been a din of iniquity dating back to its roots as a slave market in the early 1800’s.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told assembled journalists before the presser that “His Majesty felt that he needed to meet these slanderous homosexual accusations head-on and nip them in the bud.”

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Satan stressed that he has always been an advocate of traditional forms of marriage that now boast a divorce rate of nearly 50%. “I’ve always loved kids and they love me,” said the Devil. “I can’t think of a better way to win new converts than through a nasty, bitter divorce that makes kids wonder why the hell they were brought into this world in the first place.”

“I have always been a strong supporter of Focus on the Family, the American Family Association, the Family Research Council, and other Christian fascist organizations bent on turning the United States into some sort of hideous theocracy that stifles minority opinions and lifestyles in favor of their archaic and ignorant views concerning society and the future of our great nation,” said Mephistopheles.

“The Bible clearly states that homosexuals, unfaithful wives, atheists, misbehaving kids, and black teenage males should be stoned to death in the village square, and that is a policy that we demons can unequivocally support,” said Beelzebub.

“I want all my friends on the Christian Right to know that they need not worry about our continued moral and monetary support. I could not do a better job of spreading hatred against gays, immigrants, Muslims, or racial minorities if I was up here doing it myself, so keep up the good work guys!”

Pastor McKissic called his own presser in order to respond to Satan’s statements.

“Sure, the Angel of Darkness generously offered his continued support of our backward-ass and unenlightened organizations, but he never did flatly deny that he was gay,” said the Right Reverend McKissic. “I think it’s high time that Old Nick came out of his subterranean closet and showed us his true nature so voters can make informed decisions on his political future.”

The Values Voter Summit was deemed a great success by all those who participated, and many of the unhinged ideas spouted by the illustrious lineup of wingnut right-wing speakers will no doubt be incorporated into the 2016 Republican presidential platform.

 

ISIS Launches New Dating Site For Lonely Jihadists

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TerroristMingle.com offers a huge selection of eligible ungulates that the amorous jihadist can meet in person before escorting him or her to the nearest bunker or escape tunnel.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Over the last six months ISIS has proved to be on the “cutting edge” of terrorist organizations in many ways. Their use of social media as a propaganda tool, for example, is the envy of the uncivilized world. However, their latest effort outshines all of their previous projects by a long shot.

Last week Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the innovative band of degenerate religious zealots, announced the launch of a dating site that would be available for his weary and often desperate troops.

The new site is called TerroristMingle.com, and any jihadist who pledges to remain faithful unto death to ISIS’ insane doctrine will be able to take advantage of its services.

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The site offers a complete rundown of each individual’s talents and background as well as photographs of the potential lover dressed in provocative lingerie. That way, a terrorist can choose a real soul mate to spend some time with before he is incinerated by Hellfire missiles from Allied ground attack aircraft.

At a press conference held in his multi-million dollar bunker in eastern Syria al-Baghdadi (whose complete name is Ibrahim ibn Awwad ibn Ibrahim ibn Ali ibn Muhammad al-Badri al-Samarrai-who the hell thinks up this shit?) explained the thinking behind the exciting new website.

“We all know how exhausting going on jihad can be,” said al-Baghdadi.

“Raping, pillaging, robbing banks, taking airfields and capturing planes that we have no fucking clue how to fly can wear out even the most seasoned Neolithic thug. We tried to let the boys blow off steam by beheading the occasional Christian journalist, but that just exhausted them even more, so we decided to take advantage of all the livestock we’ve stolen from our fellow Muslims and set up this dating site.”

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Rumor has it that ISIS plans on opening a chain of “Udder Bars” like those that have been so successful in Damascus.

The site has proved an instant hit with over 5,000 filthy, stinking, pig-dog terrorists signing up in just the last four days. In fact, the site has been so successful that high-ranking officials in both al-Qaeda and the Taliban are scrambling to get their own dating sites up.

“We don’t want to be left in the dust like we were by all those recruiting videos on YouTube,” said Abu Akmar Muhammad Ali Skyhook, Vice President of Public Relations for Taliban Enterprises. “Some of our best fighters are fleeing the tribal areas and heading over to Iraq for a good time. We just can’t afford to lose any more subhuman monsters to those upstarts in ISIS. Otherwise, how can we perpetrate the abominations we’ve come to be famous for?”

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al-Baghdadi brushed aside criticisms from NOW and PETA that the new website is degrading to ungulate females. “Every woman has to take off her burqa sooner or later,” he said, “and remember, this is for a good cause.”

ISIS officials could not be happier with the rollout of the new site, and more ingenious and enlightened ways of entertaining the troops are sure to follow.

“I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but we have bought up several bomb-proof nightclubs in the Mosul area and are planning on turning them into pleasure palaces for the boys,” said al-Baghdadi. “You know the first rule of brutal conquest and oppressive governance is that you have to keep your cannon fodder happy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beersheba Bill Fails To See His Shadow; Israel Safe For Six More Weeks

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Everyone is well aware of the exploits of the famous American groundhog Punxsutawney Phil in Pennsylvania, but today Beersheba Bill, Israel’s most respected wombat, took center stage as he emerged from his blast shelter just outside Beersheba.

Beersheba Bill nervously emerged from his multi-million dollar missile-proof shelter, and much to the delight of crowds gathered to get a glimpse of the elusive quadrupedal marsupial, Bill failed to see his shadow. Relief was evident on the faces of members of the Knesset and high-ranking generals of the IDF who were in attendance.

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During Rosh Hashanah in 1973 Haifa Hank saw his shadow and correctly predicted the Arab invasion that led to the Yom Kippur War. No one paid attention to him at the time and IDF forces were taken by surprise and very nearly driven into the sea. The IDF quickly rallied however, and kicked Arab ass for the next three weeks before Egypt and Syria finally called it quits. Hank now lives in a retirement home in Tel-Aviv

Bill has proved to be the most reliable in a long line of wombats thought to be predictors of Israel’s relative safety from Arab attack.

Each year during Rosh Hashanah, Bill has crawled from behind the blast-proof doors of his den in order to gauge the amount of sunlight in the vicinity of Beersheba, and thus predict the likelihood of another war with the enemies that surround Israel. He has been right on the money for the past 12 years running.

The tradition of relying on wombats dates back to 1973, when Haifa Hank correctly predicted the coordinated Arab attack that almost drove the IDF into the sea. At the time, IDF leaders considered the threat of war to be low.

Since then, wombat predictions have been taken very seriously by the Knesset and Israel’s military leaders. Of course IDF intelligence estimates are taken into account as well, and together they form the basis for decision-making regarding Israel’s military readiness.

Beersheba Bill’s failure to see his shadow will be celebrated nationwide tonight throughout a country sick to death of having to duck incoming missiles and constantly search for Hamas idiots sticking their heads up out of the sand after tunneling under the border.

Mazel tov Bill! See you next year!

 

 

 

Dr. Phil Robertson And His Team Of Cretins Achieve Medical Research Breakthrough

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Duck Dynasty Season 3

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Medical researcher and well-known intellectual Dr. Phil Robertson announced an earth-shattering breakthrough made by his research team regarding the root causes of just about every disease that has plagued mankind since we were created a mere 6,000 years ago.

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Dr Robertson spoke with Perkins from his research facility located in a fetid swamp in Louisiana. It was formerly a hideout for Nazi physicians fleeing Europe in route to South America after WWII

The Duck Dynasty star thinks AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are God’s punishment for immoral behavior such as ones that aren’t “one man one woman,” he said in a recent interview.

While promoting his new book unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Robertson spoke at length about what he called the “physiological downside to immorality” in an interview with Family Research Council president Tony Perkins’ radio program Washington Watch last week.

Robertson spoke to Perkins from his research facility located in a broken-down wooden shack located in the rapidly sinking fetid swamps of southern Louisiana.

“I mean, a great question to ask is ‘Why is it that all of these just—is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America now is participating in, I’ve asked a lot of people, Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of these debilitating — and literally, it can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?” Robertson said.

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No stranger to controversy, Robertson has come under fire for some of his idiotic statements made during radio interviews in the past

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff’ and I’m thinking well, let’s see now. A clean guy, a disease-free guy, and a disease-free woman, they marry and they keep their sex between the two of ‘em, uh, they’re not gonna get chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis and AIDS. It’s, it’s safe.”

Robertson concluded that such diseases from such behaviors are punishment from God.

“Now to me either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct,” he said, “or it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leanin’ toward there’s a penalty toward it.”

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Robertson believes in a strict interpretation of Genesis, and thinks men once walked with the dinosaurs. He is a founding member of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in the backwoods of Kentucky

But Robertson did not stop there. He informed Perkins that just about every disease on earth was a punishment from God for some sort of sin or affront to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, and apparently bloodthirsty and savage deity.

“Polio is God’s punishment for too many organized sporting events,” said Robertson. “Melanoma is his punishment for Louis Réard’s invention of the bikini, and strokes are the direct result of reading too many books other than the Bible, and getting too smart.”

Robertson also said that irritable bowel syndrome could be linked to watching ungodly shows on television, and one should stick strictly to Fox News or faith-based programming such as Duck Dynasty or the The 700 Club.

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Although Robertson remains wildly popular with the intellectually underpowered crowd, he is not without his critics

Robertson told Perkins that all of these diseases could be cured by prayer and living a godly life.

“Doctors, hospitals, and medical research are all just a waste of time,” said Robertson. “If one wants to lead a long, healthy life, all you have to do is pray and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on the church of your choice, as long as it is one that I approve of.”

“Obamacare is definitely the work of Satan,” said Robertson. “We’re just wasting a bunch of money on poor people who could lead happy and healthy lives as long as they just stick to a set of rules and regulations laid down thousands of years ago by people who knew the value of stoning fags to death in the village square.”

Robertson closed by giving some advice to young people trying to make that all important decision that we all make at some point in our lives, namely, “Am I attracted to men or women?”

“So, you read in the Bible, you say well let’s see, ‘Well, it’s one man, one woman,’” he said. “Any logical person would say, what the guy is sayin’ is, that’d be me, is that if you wanna be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases, that’s the route to go. And it agrees with what God says so it’s just one argument after another, Tony, but what can I say all you can do is just show ‘em that and say, ‘Man, we ought to think about this Jesus stuff.’”

Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful

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ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

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Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. They actually believe what they hear from Fox News pundits and Tea Party candidates. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

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Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks

The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

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Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale

Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

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Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Editor’s Note: This article was reprinted from January 8th of this year because I am feeling too damn lazy to write today. Besides, I have to repair a leaky toilet before it falls into the crawlspace and releases hundreds of giant hostile scorpions from the depths. I have not bothered to check on the status of any of these morons, but knowing Florida they are probably still walking around free and are planning on hopping the next Greyhound to Murphy-if they can read, that is.

Deranged Chattanooga Minister Advocates Raising The Price Of A New Wife To 300 Foreskins

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Pastor Robby “The Cretin” Gallaty of Brainerd Baptist Church in Chattanooga, Tennesse dedicated his hour-long sermon on Sunday to explaining why Christians should feel free to discriminate against gays.

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Gallaty is still in mourning the passing of Pastor Fred “Beelzebub” Phelps, his hero and mentor, who is currently roasting in hell while being sodomized with a chain saw

Gallaty told his all white intellectually underpowered congregation that being gay is an offense to God.

“God said that the sins of the people [of Sodom and Gomorrah] had infected the very land in which they lived,” Gallaty said. “So what happens to the people who engage in this activity, this sexual immoral activity? Go to Leviticus 20, God gives us the punishment for engaging in these sins … ‘If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a detestable thing. They must be put to death. And their blood is on their own hands.”

Homosexuality, Gallaty claimed, is an “attack on the family and marriage, and we need to put an end to this madness once and for all by executing those caught indulging in sexual acts that I don’t approve of!”

This is not the first time Gallaty has lost his fucking mind while in the pulpit. The theme of last week’s sermon was the artificially low price paid for wives in America.

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Gallaty thinks that after remaining fixed for 2000 years the going price of a new bride should be raised to at least 300 foreskins

“The price of a new wife has been the same for over 2000 years!” screamed Gallaty to his incredulous flock. “Does anyone think that a hundred foreskins is a fair price to pay any proud papa? Why even David paid Saul twice the going rate. Please turn to 1 Samuel 18:27 in your Bible and read with me…”

“Wherefore David arose and went … and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”
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Many in Gallaty’s congregation starting having doubts about his sanity when he erected this monument on the church grounds in 2007

“Now I propose that we raise the price of a bride to at least 300 hundred foreskins in order to index for inflation, I think it will boost the economy and encourage men to take better care of their wives,” said Gallaty, as drool and mucous dripped from his face. “But I’m willing to be reasonable about all this,” continued Gallaty, “I think God would be OK with partially substituting atheist and liberal foreskins since Philistines are so damn hard to track down in this day and age.”

Many pundits believe that the cause of Gallaty’s psychological problems is a deep sexual insecurity combined with his strict interpretation of the Bible.
“Gallaty seems to think that everything in that book is true and all the weird rules in it have to be followed to the letter,” said Dr. John Bigboote of Yoyodyne Laboratories in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. “I mean who in their right mind thinks Noah built an ark and put two of every animal species in the damn thing? The whole fucking U.S. Navy couldn’t pull that off.”
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Many families are leaving Gallaty’s congregation and are flocking to nearby Viperpalian churches, which are considered more mainstream in Tennessee

Many in Gallaty’s congregation agree that he is mentally disturbed, or at the very least obsessed with male genitalia.

Three weeks ago five families withdrew from the church and joined a nearby snake handling church that offered a more reasonable interpretation of the Word of God.
Deacon Billy Bob McSneed, who led the mutiny, told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “We had just had enough of his weird shit. Week after week it’s scrotum this, penis that. There’s only so much genital talk that one can stand. Why, this spring the maniac preached a sermon from Deuteronomy where he said that God would not allow anyone into the Kingdom of Heaven with wounded or crushed testicles. Afterwords the freak wanted to inspect every male church member’s scrotum! We’ve had it!”
Attendance at Brainerd Baptist does not seem to be hurting however. For every family that leaves another comes to replace it. Dr. Bigboote attributed this phenomenon to a woeful lack of formal education in this country and particularly in eastern Tennessee. Bigboote remarked, “It’s just like P.T. Barnum said, ‘There’s a fool born every minute.'”

 

United Nations Condemns ISIS War Crimes, Warns More Harsh Words Could Follow

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what can only be described as a withering verbal assault over the weekend, United Nations human rights commissioner Navi Pillay criticized the up-and-coming terrorist group ISIS as a “group of savage religious zealots guilty of numerous war crimes.”

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UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon told reporters that although he does not want to judge anyone before all the facts are in, it’s beginning to look like ISIS are not very nice people

In fact, the feared and powerful United Nations Human Rights Council decided Monday to send a fact-finding team to Iraq to investigate possible war crimes by Islamic extremists after hearing senior human rights officials detail mass killings and other atrocities committed “on an unimaginable scale.”

“We have it on very good authority that these people are breaking the law and doing some very bad things, but we really need to gather more evidence before issuing an even harsher statement,” said Leila “Spaghetti Spine” Zerrougui, the U.N. special representative of the secretary-general for children and armed conflict.

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U.N. human rights official Leila Zerrougui said that there is “just not enough evidence yet that ISIS is doing anything really bad enough to condemn the whole organization. We need more facts before we ruin any reputations.”

“We don’t want to go off half-cocked,” said Zerrougui, “a strongly worded condemnation by the United Nations can hurt one’s future job prospects, and the last thing we want to do is denounce any innocent terrorists.”

Abdul Mohammed RiffRaff Skyhook, Minister of Cultural Affairs and Christian Beheadings for the Taliban wholeheartedly agreed with Zerrougui. “I remember five years ago when the U.N. criticized my actions in Afganistan after my team sawed off the legs of some women attending a  local college in Kandahar,” said Skyhook. “It has taken me years to recover from the depression caused by their acidic and very hurtful remarks.”

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When he was informed of the U.N.’s harsh words while attending a mass crucifixion outside Mosul, ISIS CEO Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi grasped his testicles and said “Criticize this, you bunch of pussies!”

While making an appearance on Al Jazeera’s Sunday morning show Meet the Terrorists, Mohamed Abdul Hussein al-Buttplug, leader of Al-Qaeda’s prestigious Nerve Agent Research and Development Group in Yemen, told Yusef “Scoop” Arafat that “Nothing hurts quite so much as criticism from the United Nations. I remember shortly after 9/11 they called me a common criminal and a throwback to the 7th century. It’s taken me over a decade to recover my self-esteem.”

The White House issued a statement this morning that called on all civilized nations of the world to join the United Nations in hurling verbal insults at the out-of-control group of murderous thugs that call themselves ISIS.

“These people are just bad folks and are acting like a bunch of meanies,” said the statement.

When reached for comment on the blistering U.N. statement, ISIS CEO and Director of Abominations Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was quoted as saying “What the fuck?” as he decapitated a baby goat and began drinking its blood from a golden chalice.

President Obama Clarifies Administration’s ISIS Policy: “We Are Fucking Clueless”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a White House press conference yesterday President Obama outlined U.S. policy regarding the group of savage religious zealots known to the world as ISIS. The position has been described by pundits as a policy “hovering somewhere between vague and nebulous.”

Although the Administration has ordered around 100 airstrikes on ISIS targets around Iraq, it waited until it was almost damn well too late to do so, and it has stopped short of bombing targets located within the borders of Syria, thus giving the Stone Age terrorist cretins a safe haven from which to operate.

“We don’t want to get all crazy and upset the delicate balance of power within Syria,” said Obama. “If we did that, something bad might happen. We’ll eventually get around to some kind of plan, but we just don’t have a strategy yet.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest told reporters that the feeling around the Oval Office was that the Administration should not get bogged-down in another war in the Middle East.

“The consensus is that we need to avoid this clusterfuck at all costs, and leave it for Hillary to clean up,” said Ernest. “She can handle it in 2017 after she takes office. Hell, she’s better suited for this kind of thing anyway. Have you ever seen that bitch when she gets pissed off? She’ll wipe the floor with those ISIS Neanderthals.”

When asked by a journalist why the White House was not concerned with Fox News and talk radio dullards making political hay from the Administration’s flaccid policy, Ernest replied “We’ve never been concerned with getting the white homophobic bigot vote anyway. It’s just not our demographic.”

GOP Candidate Warns Of ‘Homosexual Reign Of Terror’

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) –  Gordon Klingenschmitt, a Republican nominee for the Colorado state house, sent out an e-mail alert over the weekend that stated that Rep. Jared Polis (D-CO) wanted to execute Christians, reported Right Wing Watch.

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The photogenic Klingenschmidt was featured on the cover of the children’s book “How To Recognize Pedophiles From A Distance”

The alert warned Coloradans and all U.S. citizens that Polis and his pals in the “international homosexual cabal” represented a “clear and present danger” to our representative republic and to Christians all over the globe.

“The openly homosexual Congressman Jared Polis (D-CO) introduced a revised bill to force Christian employers and business owners to hire and promote homosexuals with ZERO RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS for Christians who want to opt out.”

Heath Campbell who gave his children Nazi-inspired names including Adolf Hitler lost custody after a state appeals court ruled that a history of domestic violence puts the children at risk of abuse and neglect.

Klingenshmitt is the eldest son of Joseph and Magda Klingenschmitt of Munich, as seen here in this colorized photo from their wedding album

“Polis ‘wants sexual orientation and gender identity treated the same way as race, religion, sex, and national origin, when it comes to employment protections,’ claims the Advocate, under the headline ‘Polis trims ENDA’s religious exemption.’”

“The open persecution of Christians is underway. Democrats like Polis want to bankrupt Christians who refuse to worship and endorse his sodomy. Next he’ll join ISIS in beheading Christians, but not just in Syria, right here in America,” the email said.

Because he was unwilling to face journalists and actually answer embarrassing questions about the email, Klingenschmitt released a five-hour video that explained his theory concerning the worldwide gay conspiracy to execute anyone who does not approve of sodomy.

The video went into great detail about how a shadowy group of male stylists, interior designers, and producers of Broadway musicals got together after the faked lunar landings in the late 60’s and early 70’s and laid out a long-range strategy for world domination.

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In his spare time Klingenschmitt entertains children at birthday parties held in the crawlspace under his home

In the video Klingenschmitt explains that now that it is legal for openly gay individuals to hold office, phase one of the heinous conspiracy is complete.

“Phase two of the their nefarious plan calls for a ‘Reign of Terror’ on Christians that would make Robespierre’s efforts look like child’s play,” said Klingenschmitt. “It is only a matter of time before we see the faithful’s heads on pikes up and down main street America!”

The video did not explain how a nation in which 77% of the population considers itself Christian will be overwhelmed and terrorized by the less than 2% of the population that is openly gay, but Klingenschmitt said it would be similar to the atheists’ successful obliteration of the once popular Christmas holiday we all remember.

Republican and Democratic leaders in Colorado, along with anyone else who has an IQ over 55 denounced Klingenschmitt’s email and his video, which was distributed less than a week after Islamic State jihadists released a film that showed the beheading of kidnapped U.S. journalist James Foley.