Tag Archives: religion

God Condemns Bryan Fischer To Spend Eternity In Hell

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a working lunch with Pope Francis this afternoon, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to tell reporters that as a result of Fischer’s recent string of insane and hateful comments, he would be condemned to spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

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God told reporters that just because Fischer is sexually frustrated that gives him no right to spew hatred in His name.

“I have had it up to here with these charlatans making hateful and nauseating comments in my name,” said God. “I’m going to make an example of this dim witted freak for all the rest of you to see. I mean, look, I gave you a set of commandments to keep. Ten easy rules to follow so that you talking monkeys can all get along with each other. But no, you are too dumb to follow simple commands and insist on spewing hatred all over the airwaves while at the same time claiming to know what I am thinking. I’ve had it!”

God’s decision to immerse Fischer in the Lake of Fire until time ends came after a long series of idiotic and hate-filled comments came spewing forth from Fischer on his show aired by the American Family Association.

God handed the group of reporters a short list of Fischer’s sins while insisting he could fill an entire book with the despicable and heinous statements that the “moron” has spouted over the years.

In recent weeks on his radio program, Fischer has:

  • Declared it will be “the end of America” if Congress does not impeach President Obama
  • Denounced anyone who uses the word “racist,” then insisted that Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder “are racists.”
  • Sided with radical Islamists in Iraq in calling Obama a “devil worshiper.”
  • Suggested on Twitter that accepting homosexuality leads people to commit acts of necrophilia.
  • Said that LGBT people are inherently disqualified from holding public office.
  • Written an article in which he wonders if Robin Williams will go to heaven and insults Williams’s mother’s belief system (she was a Christian Scientist, Fischer says, and that is “a counterfeit form of religion that is neither Christian nor scientific”)
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God said that Fischer is not the first false prophet to be the Devil’s house guest, and surely won’t be the last.

God told reporters that Fischer should change the name of his program from “Focal Point” to “Feces Point” as it more accurately describes the filth coming out of this “pseudo Christian’s” mouth.

“Has this dude never heard of “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?” asked God. “It is hard for me to imagine how I could have been any clearer.”

God closed the impromptu presser by warning others that the same fate awaits them if they don’t take Pope Francis’ advice and try to show love for all mankind, not just straight white people.

“One more thing before I go,” said God. “I’ve just straightened out Francis on this whole embryonic stem-cell research thing and I’m not going to repeat myself. Kevin McCullough, I’ve got my eye on you, one more dumb-ass comment about how the ALS Challenge kills unborn babies and you can expect to contract Ebola in the very near future, you brainless twit!”

As God was departing for the intergalactic terminal at Leonardo da Vinci International, a reporter asked what specific form of punishment awaited Fischer in Hell.

God responded, “I leave that kind of stuff up to Lucifer. He can be very creative. After all, that’s what I put him there for.”

 

Messiah Scheduled To Return This Sunday

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messi

messipope

Our Lord’s return has been highly anticipated by clerics all over the world

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Everyone had better be getting their house in order, because The Prince of Pitch and Lord of La Liga will be returning to earth on Sunday when the Catalans take on Elche in their first match of the year.

The Messiah will be leading a divine squad of disciples, revamped and reinvigorated by new manager Bishop Luis Enrique.

On one wing the Apostle Neymar will return with another year of experience under his cloak ready to levitate over opposing defenders and maneuver around the opposition like a pillar of fire.

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Barca fans all over the globe hope that Saint Xavi, Patron Saint of Reptiles, will rise like Lazarus to help guide the team in one final Crusade before departing to spread the gospel in America

Our Lord and Savior will be supported on the other wing by the always loyal Archangel Pedro the Swift, a player quite capable of scoring heavenly goals on his own.

Newly converted heretic and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will strike fear into the hearts of every defender he encounters in the middle. Unfortunately the saintly striker will be unable to join the ministry until October because of that unfortunate misunderstanding at the World Cup in Brazil.

He will however, be available for Barca’s confrontation with opposing sect Real Madrid.

The ravenous striker has been granted dispensation from Pope Francis for all past and future consumptions of human flesh during matches played in both La Liga and the Champion’s League so “The Scourge” should be biting on all cylinders this season.

The midfield will ably organized by Cardinal Andrés Iniesta and the usual cast, with support from Saint Xavi The Chameleon.

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The addition of saintly striker and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will no doubt strike fear into the hearts of non-believers all over Europe

The Army of God’s defensive troops will be led by St Mascherano the Martyr, who so readily sacrifices himself over and over again for the one true faith.

In conclusion, this year’s Barca lineup should strike terror into the hearts of all non-believers.

Many pundits think that if an internal schism can be avoided this season we will see a return of the Spanish Inquisition.

The Messiah and his disciples could very well leave a trail of tortured souls across scorched pitches in both La Liga and the Champion’s League.

Infidels across Europe should fear and tremble at Our Master’s return.

The Messiah’s first sermon of the new season may be seen live from Camp Nou on beIN Sports at 3 PM Eastern.

 

 

 

ISIS Kicks Off Innovative Socialized Medicine Campaign With Appointment Of Death Panels

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

apes5

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – An ISIS spokesman told reporters Monday that ISIS Health and Human Services Secretary Abdul “Madman” Fuqwhaddi, known to the ISIS rank and file as the “Dumb Sheik,” has announced the formation of “Death Panels”  to decide who will live and who will perish in newly conquered towns and territories.

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Secretary Fuqwhaddi assured ISIS execution squads that the carpal tunnel syndrome currently afflicting so many trigger fingers will be covered under the new health care law

“It’s more a matter of allocation of resources rather than anything else,” said the spokesman. “Secretary Fuqwhaddi wants to make sure that all demographic groups get equal treatment under the new health care law.”

“Christian infidels, Jewish pig-dogs, subhuman Yazidis, and our misguided Shiite cousins should all be able to get the health care they need in the form of fast and efficient torture and execution.”

Although the ISIS troops are armed to the teeth courtesy of abandoned high-tech U.S. weaponry, it seems that there is just not enough time in the day to murder everyone who  needs to be murdered.

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Sarah Palin told Fox News dullard Sean Hannity that she predicted this tragedy would occur if Obamacare was passed. “If everyone would just take my advice once in a while, the world would be a much better place,” said Palin.

“We’re doing our best,” said the ISIS spokesman, “but genocide on this scale is damn hard work. If we are going to successfully take this region of the world back into the Stone Age, we really need to concentrate on eliminating all other forms of religion and silence dissent of any type.”

“We are confident that because God is on our side we can get the job done. It’s just going to take dedication and sacrifice on the part of our cowardly and psychotic executioners. They will really deserve a vacation in Fallujah when all this is done. We’ve rounded up a herd of virgins for that very purpose. Nothing motivates a group of crazed Muslim murderers like the promise of virgins after a hard day of butchery, as I am sure you are all aware.”

The American intellectual and perpetual self-promoter Sarah Palin, who first warned of these so-called “Death Panels,” told Fox News today that “I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. I warned everyone that if we passed Obamacare, it would only be a matter of time before a group of administrators would be deciding who lives and who dies, and lo and behold I was right!”

 

God Distances Himself From ‘Idiots’ On Alabama Public Service Commission

Posted in environment, humor, politics, religion by

monty-python-god

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – During a brief layover in Atlanta (God always flies Delta) Almighty God expressed his displeasure with recent statements coming out of the slightly unhinged and highly political Alabama Public Service Commission.

God told reporters gathered in the intergalactic concourse that “I wish to make my position crystal clear on this subject. I want nothing to do with those idiots, pay no attention to them whatsoever.”

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God told reporters that maybe the Alabama PSC should be trying a little harder to “clean up their act” and encourage the development of alternative energy sources considering coal mining’s track record and the threat it poses to the environment

God was referring to recent statements made by Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, president of the commission, and commissioner-elect Chip Beeker. Cavanaugh called on the people of the state to ask for God’s intervention against the Obama administration’s proposed reduction in carbon emissions that is expected to heavily impact coal-fired plants responsible for massive amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. Cavanaugh asked citizens to pray for the failure of the EPA crackdown on pollution.

“I hope all the citizens of Alabama will be in prayer that the right thing will be done,” she said.

Beeker also made comments about the regulations while invoking the name of God. He told reporters that coal was created in Alabama by God, and the federal government should not enact policy that runs counter to “God’s plan.”

“Who has the right to take what God’s given a state?” he said.

coalmine2This is not the first time the Alabama PSC has tried to recruit God for political purposes. Last year a Baptist minister spoke at a meeting of the commission. The minister was a friend of Cavanaugh’s of course.

The minister, John Jordan of East Memorial Baptist Church in Prattville, Ala., who is also a member of the Alabama Tea Party, began his prayer by polling those present to see who believed in God. Then he went on to pray for a number of things, including forgiveness from God for the sins of abortion and gay marriage.

“We’ve taken you [God] out of our schools and out of our prayers,” Jordan intoned. “We have murdered your children. We’ve said it’s okay to have same-sex marriage. We have sinned and we ask once again that you forgive us for our sins.”

coalmine3While at Hartsfield God told reporters that “There is a reason for the separation of church and state. Do they really need to be talking about this crap when they were elected to oversee utilities and make sure that the citizens of Alabama are not ripped off? What the hell are these twits thinking?”

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God told reporters that “If those religious zealots on the PSC don’t start doing their job instead of playing politics by bringing my name into it, they’ll get a taste of divine retribution courtesy of my left foot.”

God continued, “And another thing, coal is a fossil fuel formed when peat is altered physically and chemically. This process is called “coalification.” During coalification, peat undergoes several changes as a result of bacterial decay, compaction, heat, and time. In short, the coal in Alabama was formed by decaying plant matter over a period of millions of years. Every high school graduate should know this. I just didn’t get up one day and say ‘Wow, those folks in Alabama deserve some coal. I think I’ll bury some deep under ground for them to mine and burn so they can run their dishwashers.”

“What a bunch of dullards. I guess the citizens of Alabama are getting what they deserve. Who the hell elects a woman named ‘Twinkle’ anyway?”

God closed the presser by saying, “I appreciate you guys coming out here and having to go through all that idiotic TSA bullshit. I know what a pain in the ass it is. Now I’ve got to scoot. I have an audience scheduled with Pope Francis at eleven.”

 

 

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

Posted in humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

trump

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

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Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

Doug & Dinsdale Piranha

In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”

 

 

 

 

 

Hamas Leadership Approves Plan To Strap Infants To Outgoing Rockets

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hamas

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – At a press conference today held at the Yasser Arafat High School and Rocket Storage Facility in Gaza City, commander of the “moderate” wing of Hamas’ military forces Abdul Mohommed Buttplug Skyhook announced that his forces will go ahead with a plan to strap infants, toddlers, women, elderly Alzheimer’s patients, and other non-combatants to outgoing rockets bound for Israel.

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Kids from the Yasser Arafat School for Ignorant and Disillusioned Youth take a break from classes to display advanced level firing positions for the double-jointed

“We are suffering from a decline in numbers of Palestinian civilians volunteering to be human shields,” said Skyhook. “We feel that this step is necessary in order to show our resolve during this crisis.”

The latest flare-up in the continuing dispute between Israel and Hamas has claimed almost 1500 Palestinian lives, many of them women, children, and other non-combatants. The current conflict heated up after Israel finally had enough of daily rocket fire emanating from the Strip.

“There is only so much a people can tolerate without taking action,” said a spokesman for the IDF. “If some idiot were lobbing Molotov cocktails at your house every day would you sit there on your ass and do nothing?”

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In addition to his duties as military commander, Skyhook is a regular on Al Jazeera’s hit television show “Real Dumbasses of the Gaza Strip”

The most recent cease-fire agreement broke down today when the Hamas brain trust decided to kill two IDF soldiers and kidnap a third, resulting in heavy shelling of Rafah by Israeli forces and a renewed aggressive ground attack.

“We have to prove just how vicious and inhuman these Jews are,” said Skyhook. “We think that strapping our own children to our rockets so their dead bodies will be seen inside Israel will help us with our public relations effort around the world. The truth about these power-mad Zionists just has to be told.”

Skyhook achieved his high current position in the military wing of Hamas by blowing up several children’s holiday camps in Tel Aviv and murdering two of his own brothers who were ahead of him in the line of succession.

‘Coalition Of Rabid White Bitches’ Joins Growing Band Of Protesting Border Bumpkins

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angrywhitewomen

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The activist group Rabid White Bitches announced today that it intended to join the ragtag army of reactionary miscreants lurking around the Texas-Mexico border. The addition of the organization to the border area boosts the number of seething hate-filled xenophobic groups to over two dozen.

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President of Rabid White Bitches Susan Madsen is a part-time executioner for the State of Arizona.

“We realized that we were just not getting enough coverage screaming and foaming at the mouth in downtown Dallas,” said Susan “Stark Raving” Madsen. “We had to get our butts down to the border where the action is. That way we can hurl racist insults directly at those vile young kids. Hopefully we can eventually get close enough to spit on those little brown vermin.”

Rabid White Bitches joins The Fellowship of Christian Racists, the Sexual Minutemen, the Federation of Xenophobic Hillbillies, the South Texas Chapter of the Tea Party Patriotic Apple-Knockers Society, Open Disease Carrying Texans, and the Texas Goat Fanciers Association as well as several other groups vying for this year’s Medieval Abomination Award.

“We really think that our hysterical screaming and cursing, combined with our superior endurance, gives a real shot at winning the competition,” said Madsen, as she wiped spittle off her chin with a tobacco-stained shirtsleeve.

“We just can’t risk letting desperate innocent children into the United States. They could be harboring all types of deadly diseases and conditions like scurvy, beriberi, Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, leprosy, Ebola, Black Plague, untreatable tuberculosis, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, erectile dysfunction, or even the dreaded toenail fungus.”

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Madsen told reporters that if Jesus were at the border he would gladly jump in and prevent “those underage scum” from breaking international law by seeking help from the richest country on earth.

“This whole situation is President Obama’s fault,” continued Madsen. “If he was running this country in accordance with Biblical principles the way the founders intended, then we wouldn’t have a border problem. Do you think that for one instant that Jesus would tolerate all these kids breaking the law by peaceably turning themselves in to border agents? No sir! I feel confident that if Jesus were here today he would take a break from stoning  fags and atheists to death long enough to come down here and man one of our machine guns, after all, some of these kids could turn out to be gay!”

Franklin “Blue Balls” Bates, president of the South Texas Amateur Gynecologist’s League wholeheartedly agreed with Madsen. “God hates immigrants, and he downright despises illegal immigrants, especially brown ones,” said Bates. “There’s nothing that irritates God more than a bunch of whining children trying to escape rampant violence and soul-crushing poverty.”

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Most right-wing groups think that the most compassionate and humane thing to do for the kids of Central America is to erect a Soviet style Berlin Wall along our border topped with deadly electrified razor wire

“Franklin is correct,” said Charles “Baby-Crusher” Paisely, who is in charge of recruiting for the Texas Association of Fascist Sympathizers. “If God had intended for these little bastards to live in the United States, he would have put them here in the very beginning, just like us white people.”

The tide of young kids seeking refuge at the border shows no signs of ebbing anytime soon, and the crisis is likely to get worse before it gets better. However, most of the narrow-minded provincials protesting along the border are optimistic that something will go terribly wrong and they will get a chance to use overwhelming firepower against the pre-pubescent scourge from south of the border.

When a reporter asked how any person with an ounce of compassion could possibly mow down a group of innocent children weak from malnutrition, a sentry for the Daughters of the Spanish Inquisition replied, “Easy, you just don’t lead them as much!”

 

 

Jesus Mounts Mission To Rescue Randy Reptiles

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – At an early morning press conference today just outside the Pearly Gates, a weary and frustrated Saint Peter announced to reporters that despite his best efforts at discouraging any interference with an already wacked-out Russian space program, Jesus has insisted on mounting a rescue mission to save five horny geckos currently in orbit around the earth.

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Jesus’ love of reptiles dates back to his ministry to the dinosaurs over two thousand years ago

The Russian satellite containing the wayward reptiles was sent into space to understand the effects of weightlessness on sexual intercourse. Contact with the spacecraft was lost sometime during the traditional post-launch vodka chugging party and lingerie show at Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

Jesus felt action had to be taken because Russian engineers have been unable to re-establish communication and control of the satellite for over a week.

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Ham the Astrochimp will pilot the rescue spacecraft

“Jesus is adamant about saving those damn geckos,” said Saint Peter. “Ever since his ministry to the dinosaurs over two thousand years ago, the Lord has had a soft spot in his heart, and some would say his brain, for reptiles of all types. He always told me that lizards were his favorite animals because they were much less devious and sinful than human beings.”

The planned rescue mission will be led by Saint Francis of Assisi with a recently resurrected Albert Schweitzer as second in command. Ham the Astrochimp of NASA fame will pilot the spacecraft sent to liberate the gregarious geckos.

 

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“But Jesus called to the zookeeper and said ‘Suffer the little lizards to come unto me, and forbid them not: for verily I say unto you, what is the world if not my own personal terrarium?'” Matthew 19:14.069

The Russian satellite Foton-M4 was launched into space on July 19 with four female geckos and one male gecko, along with fruit flies, mushrooms and a bunch of weird and useless scientific gear.

The experiment was part of a research project conducted by Russia’s Institute of Medico-Biological Problems and Reptile Pornography. It was intended to answer once and for all the question burning in the minds of scientists all over the world: just how do lizards fuck in outer space?

According to scientists at the Russian space firm Progress, they were hoping to receive video footage of mating geckos to help them explain how zero gravity affects wild lizardlike sex. The videos were to be repackaged later with other reptilian porn and sold on the internet in order to fund the mission.

The Foton-M4 satellite can stay in orbit for up to four months during which the geckos are expected to continue the reptilian orgy.

The space agency Progress is trying hard to re-establish a connection with the satellite, reports added, just in case Jesus’ divine rescue mission fails.

 

Research Reveals An Alarmingly High Rate Of Illiteracy Within The Tea Party

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illiterate11

misspelled-tea-party-signTHE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -New research conducted by the Center for Sanity in Politics has revealed that over 40% of Tea Party members are functionally illiterate and a significant percentage of the rest of party exhibit the reading comprehension skills of third graders. The inability of many of the right-wing political organization’s activists to manufacture even the most simple signage was once thought to be an aberration resulting in a humorous display of “Teabonics.” But tragically it now seems to be representative of the group as a whole.

05_Flatbed_WEB - MARCH“What we found was truly shocking,” said Dr. Frank Black, director of research at CSP. “However, with the advantage of hindsight I suppose we really should have expected these results.”

misspelled9“After all, the Tea Party appeals to the basest of mankind’s instincts. You can’t expect a political party based on a Frankenstein’s monster  stitched-together from debunked economic theories, irrational xenophobia, racial hatred, and medieval religious superstition to be overflowing with intellectuals. The party is little more than a small army of dullards brimming with rage against change and enlightened policy of any sort. They basically run around the countryside terrified of fire and science and blame anything they perceive as a problem on our current president, no matter how ridiculous those assertions might be.”

“Most Tea Partiers show a disturbing lack of knowledge of basic civics and their grasp of history appears to come out of some comic book published by Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity,” said Dr. Black. “Propaganda outlets such as Fox News and right-wing radio hosts only serve to further fan the flames of ignorance and hatred among these folks.”

misspell4Similar and even more shocking results were found when researchers investigated the Christian Right.

misspell77misspelled8A recent YouGov poll has found that over sixty percent of self-proclaimed conservative Christians are unable to comprehend what they read. The poll was conducted July 1-2 among 1,000 U.S. adults using a sample selected from YouGov’s opt-in online panel to match the demographics and other characteristics of the adult U.S. population. The poll asked “what would Jesus do?” on a wide range of political issues such as health care, gun control, climate change, and taxes.

misspelled11Only 23 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support healthcare for all.

“I was sick and you looked after me….I tell you the truth, whatever you do the least of my brothers, you also do for me,” Jesus said.

misspelled15“Whatever,” say the Christian Right.

The Bible makes it clear Jesus was a Marxist before Marxism had a name. He distrusted the rich. “It’s easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter Heaven,” forewarned Jesus. The credo of the Beatitudes demonstrated Jesus saw the world in terms of class struggle. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the earth.”

misspelled1But only 18 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support higher taxes on the rich; taxes that benefit the funding of the common good – schools, hospitals, and safety nets for those the capitalist machine leaves downtrodden.

It seems the decline of the mainstream church has apparently allowed the Christian Right to misuse the Gospel to champion unfettered capitalism. For Republicans, “prosperity theology” has replaced the Beatitudes. In this Ayn Randian philosophy, God rewards the faithful with material wealth.

misspelled14On guns, 68 percent of Democrats believe Jesus would support stricter gun laws, whereas only 28 percent of Republicans think likewise.  Swords of the first century were the guns of today. “Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword,” said Jesus. (Matthew 26:52)

On other issues, 9 percent of Republicans said Jesus would support gay marriage, and 6 percent of Republicans said he would support legalized abortion. Forty-three percent said he would support the death penalty for murderers.

misspelled16“The response of right-wing ‘Christians,’ the Tea Party and Republicans in general to the recent influx of kids fleeing abject poverty and violence in their home countries illustrates as nothing else could the hypocrisy inherent in a political movement that lacks the very compassion it is supposedly based upon,” said Dr. Black. ”

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Tea Partiers and those on the Christian Right might do well to take some of their own advice to heart

“Consider Matthew 25:31-46 where Jesus said, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ What is it about that statement that these cretins do not understand?”

“What is truly alarming about all this is that the Christian Right seems unable to comprehend, or a shows a blatant willingness to ignore, the very book that they base their religion upon,” said Dr. Black. “It is even more alarming that these people believe that our country was founded on these principles and all Americans should be ruled by them. We should all keep a close watch on this vocal minority of ill-informed and uneducated creatures, for the good of the country and ourselves, lest we one day wake up in some sort of dystopian theocratic oligarchy.”

 

Xenomorphs For Jesus Organization Files Libel Suit Against Ken Ham

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Ken-Ham-screenshot

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Claiming that Jesus came to LV-426 at least two decades before he visited earth, Frederick “Freddie the Face-Hugger” Falcone, president of the popular Xenomorphs For Jesus religious organization, told reporters that they planned on “suing the crap out of that dullard Ken Ham for his blasphemous article” on the Answers In Genesis website.

Xenomorph

President of Xenomorphs For Jesus “Freddie the Facehugger” Falcone appeared more than a little pissed off about the article Ken Ham published on Sunday

In the article which ran Sunday, creationist Ken Ham said that the U.S. space program is a waste of money because any alien life that scientists found would be damned to hell.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life,” said the unhinged Ham.

Ham argued that “secularists are desperate to find life in outer space” as a part of their “rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution.”

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Falcone told reporters that Jesus was “patching up injured xenomorphs” twenty years before he began his ministry to the dinosaurs in Palestine

“Life did not evolve but was specially created by God, as Genesis clearly teaches. Christians certainly shouldn’t expect alien life to be cropping up across the universe,” he continued. “Now the Bible doesn’t say whether there is or is not animal or plant life in outer space. I certainly suspect not.”

But regardless of whether there was life in outer space, Ham asserted that it could not be truly “intelligent.”

“You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation,” he explained. “Jesus did not become the ‘GodKlingon’ or the ‘GodMartian’! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the ‘Godman’ as our Savior.”

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Falcone also told reporters that “Ham is one ugly son of a bitch, even for a human. He’d look a lot better with an infant attached to his face.”

“What  a load of horseshit!,” said Falcone, in response to Ham’s article. “This guy talks out of his ass all the time and some of you idiot humans are actually gullible enough to believe him. No wonder so many alien species view you guys as a bunch of hicks who only yesterday climbed down out of the trees.”

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Falcone spoke to reporters from Our Lady of the Dripping Saliva Christian Bookstore on LV-426

“How the hell could a guy with the IQ of a turnip make any assertions regarding intelligent life on other planets? And another thing, this dude should be limited to radio frequencies. I’ve seen better looking beings living in the swamps on Planet 10! I mean, what’s with that fucking beard?”

“What the hell is he mumbling about ‘GodKlingon, GodMartian, Godman? Has Kentucky issued this lunatic a driver’s license? God help the bastards that have to share the road with this moron.”

predator

Dr. Robert “Ugly Motherfucker” Bates, an orthodontist and founder of The Fellowship of Christian Predators, told Reuters that they also were preparing a lawsuit against Ham. “Jesus visited our home world over a century before he ever made to your wimpy-ass Milky Way Galaxy,” said Wilson.

“This village idiot Ham should realize that every fucking sentient being in the universe knows about evolution. Only a dumb ass would deny its existence,” said Falcone.

Falcone went on to tell reporters that Jesus had indeed visited LV-426 and had many followers there.

“At first we just thought, ‘Hey, what is that dude doing walking across that lake of liquid methane? Is he on dope or something?’ But then we started to take notice when it became apparent that he could breathe pure nitrogen and started turning rocks into edible protein paste for wedding parties.”

“But the clincher was when Our Lord survived having his chest busted by one of our infants after being cocooned for three days. I mean, he just popped up healthy as a horse! After that he began to get quite a following here, and is still quite popular today. There are more Christian churches on LV-426 than temples dedicated to Cthulhu, for example.”

When reached for comment, SETI spokesman Dr. Frank Black said “Ken Ham is an example of what happens to a dude when he loses his virginity at age 34 with an aboriginal prostitute. He’s a frustrated mental midget who craves attention. Ham is basically a modern-day snake oil salesman who preys on mentally deficient individuals by trying to convince them of things that are so bizarre as to be laughable.”

“One thing is for certain. We don’t have to worry about finding any intelligent life in Petersburg, Kentucky,” chuckled Dr. Black.

Since the lawsuits are just now being filed, no one can really predict which way they will go, but lawyers representing the two groups feel that given the current climate at the Supreme Court, any pro-Christian lawsuit, no matter how ridiculous, has a good chance of winning.